A Little Too Retro

We’re still fed up with current affairs so here’s another golden oldie article for the weekend…

Nostalgia never goes out of style. People become middle aged and fondly remember their younger years when things weren’t so complex. People now are nostalgic about the 90s, if you can believe that; that golden era when Bill Clinton fooled around with anything in a skirt, the Macarena was actually a thing and watching Frasier on TV was still enjoyable. But sometimes people take going retro a little too far.

This article is from our August 15, 2004 issue.

Local Man Dressing A Little Too Retro

Residents in the trendy Cactus Corners apartment complex, Cactus Mirage, have noticed that one of its residents has been dressing a little too retro. It seems to many that James T. Rowland is stuck in the ’70s: the 1870s that is.

Rowland wears his hear shortly cropped on top, but with long fuzzy sideburns and a well-groomed mustache. He usually dresses in a 19th century black frock coat with silk buttons; a stylish gray vest with a watch fob attached to the top vest button, a silken black bow tie with a crisp white linen shirt with a winged collar; gray striped pants; and a black silk stove pipe hat. He also wears pince-nez spectacles and likes to carry a black walking cane with a golden lion head handle.

“What’s with that dude?” asked Candy Bergman. “He shows up to all our parties dressed like he’s Mr. Peanut or something. Then he starts talking like ‘Good evening, my lady!’ I don’t what he’s thinking but that gentleman crap doesn’t work with the women of today. We need to be smacked on the ass and called either ‘ho’ or bitch. That works for me anyway.”

Resident Mike Fernald said, “That guy’s got to be sweating his ass off. I mean it’s 110 degrees outside and he’s wearing that outfit out at the pool. Come on! Retro’s cool if you’re, like, going back twenty or thirty years. One hundred thirty years is just weird, man.”

Sylvia Dailey expressed sympathy for Rowland. “That poor man. I see him occasionally at some of the hip Scottsdale bars like Razzle and he seems so out of place. Everybody’s wearing baggy pants and tee shirts and he comes walking through wearing his suit. Oh well. I guess that goes to show you that you can’t dress too unconventionally or people will just avoid you.” Dailey then adjusted her vinyl mini-dress, straightened her pink wig, inserted her nose ring, put on a fresh coat of black lipstick and clopped off in her seven-inch patent leather platform shoes.

Rowland seemed perplexed by the ill feelings toward him. “I must say that I’m truly vexed by their attitude. I’m only trying to act in a gracious and courteous manner toward my peers. Perhaps they are envious of my stylish garments, especially my morning ensemble. It is quite natty. One can only speculate. I know I shan’t lose any sleep over the matter. Besides Miss Bergman is a stone cold hoochie. Ta-ta for now. I’m late for my evening constitutional.”

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