Category: Holy Huckster Hijinx

Holy Shit!

It’s been awhile since we’ve posted some of our old satire articles from 2003-2009. So we’re going to start posting them more often, maybe a couple times a week. To start things off, in the wake of the religious fallout from the Charlie Hebdo attacks, here’s one from our Religious BS file dated June 2, 2003.

Holy Shit: Man Has Feces Shaped Like Virgin Mary

Local man Hector Torres has claimed that the Virgin Mary has visited and blessed him in the form of feces in his toilet.

“I was taking a dump,” said Torres. “And I look down into the bowl and there was this turd shaped exactly like the Virgin Mary. So I call my wife Maria into the bathroom, you know, and I’m like ‘Look in the bowl’ and she said ‘I don’t want to look at your shit! What are you? Some sort of weirdo!’ and I’m like ‘No, look at that turd. It looks just like the Virgin Mary’ and she squints down into the bowl and says ‘Dios Mio! It’s a miracle!'”

Many people are now making pilgrimages to the Torres household to view the blessed turd. Last weekend, lines went out the front door as people clamored for a glimpse.

“I think Our Holy Mother is speaking to us through Hector’s shit,” said Maria Torres. “It’s like she is saying to us, ‘Even though you are dumped on, keep believing.’ We are truly blessed!”

Hector’s brother, Miguel, who also lives there with his wife and two kids, is tired of the attention. “The whole house smells like Tijuana, man. I can’t sleep at night. We can’t take baths or brush our teeth because we start gagging.”

Hector’s other brother, Pablo, who also lives there with his wife and daughter, said, “I’m tired of going down to the gas station to use the bathroom. This house only has one bathroom. What happens if I get the runs? Do I use a bucket or something? Should I go on the rug like the dog? And don’t get me started about all the people. What happened to our privacy? I miss my… quiet time.” He paused, wiped a tear from his eye and then added, “I may go to Hell, but if Hector don’t flush that thing soon, I’m going to flush it myself!”

We Are Charlie

What a way to start out the new year. The recent shootings at the Charlie Hebdo headquarters in Paris has struck a raw nerve with us here at the Bucket. We’re all atheists here. We tend to agree with Bill Maher’s statement on Jimmy Kimmel’s show that ‘“there are no great religions, they’re all stupid and dangerous,” Some people just do not seem to possess a sense of humor, especially religious fundamentalists. And isn’t it funny that religious fundamentalists seem to be…drum roll please…extreme conservatives. Go figure.  One of the most important lessons in life we have learned is the ability to laugh at one’s self. Obviously, religious fundamentalists in all major organized religions seemed to have missed that lesson. Once again, fundamentalists in Islam have gotten upset over cartoons. CARTOONS!!!! We’d just like to say to all fundamentalists in every major religion on this planet… LIGHTEN UP!!!! LEARN HOW TO LAUGH AT YOURSELF!!! GET A SENSE OF HUMOR!!!!

Ahhh! We’re just messing with you. We can’t tell you ‘holy guys’ what to do. Go ahead and keep killing all the people who don’t believe what you believe. That’s worked so well for the past couple thousand years. There’s nothing like the status quo.

Jewish, Islamic, and Christian fundamentalists seem to get all pissy when someone points out the outdated silliness of their doctrines.
Fundamentalists from the major religions on Planet Earth agree on one thing: their senses of humor suck.

A Fine Red Whine With Your Immigration Reform

President Obama sure got the crybaby Republicans in a hissy fit with his executive order on immigration reform before the Thanksgiving holidays. You’d think he declared himself King of the World, but that’s exactly how many Republicans saw his action. They’ve been crying like the little crybabies they are ever since. Of course, they’ve been doing that ever since Obama became President. It’s really quite baffling considering that all Presidents going back to Eisenhower, have issued executive orders on immigration. Yes, even St. Ronald Reagan gave an executive order on immigration. But today’s GOP members conveniently forget those facts. They’d rather build their case that Obama’s a tyrant and needs to be impeached, despite Obama having the fewest number of executive orders of any two term President in the last one hundred years. It’s funny how one minute, Republicans say that Obama’s a pussy and needs to take off his mommy pants when dealing with Syria, Iran or Russia and then the next minute he’s a blood thirsty monarch forcing his will on the American people or  just giving away the country to any foreign nation. Yes, the Republican Fear and Noise Machine, powered by Fox News, is working just fine; spreading fear and misinformation to all Americans…a fine, red whine just in time for the holidays!

GOP crybaby Senators and Congressman call Obama an Emperor and threaten impeachment because he's doing his job.while Republicans sit around and say no.
GOP congressman are crying and whining over President Obama’s recent executive order on immigration, which was necessary because Republican led House completely failed to their job and pass legislation on an immigration reform this year.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Hey, how ’bout those elections, huh? Kind of makes you want to move to Canada. Hell, this whole month has been nothing but a stunning display of…how shall we say…stupidity. Former healthcare guru, Jonathon Gruber is being lambasted for his comments on the ACA a.k.a. Obamacare in saying that it passed because of ‘the stupidity of the American voter’. Well, everybody’s mad at him for saying that but the election results back him up on this statement. Congress has an 11 percent approval rating and yet the electorate decided to put 96 percent of these clowns back in office. And only 36 percent of registered voters decided to cast their ballots, the lowest voter turnout since WWII. And furthermore, Democrats, instead of touting the success of Obamacare and the many things he’s accomplished in office, act like they don’t know him. Unfriggingbelievable stupidity all the way around!!! They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So I guess Americans are both stupid and insane…what a winning combination! Of course, that does explain why we won’t do anything about gun violence, but we have a conniption fit when an illegal immigrant child toddles across our border.

Despite 11 percent approval ratings, 96 percent of Congress was retained.
2014 election highlights: A majority of the American electorate decided to let a minority of pinheads put 96 pecent of the dumbass corporate lackeys back in office so that they can keep on screwing America. YAY!!!

Glenn Beck’s No Brainer Diagnosis

We’re still processing the stupidity of last week’s election results, (more on that in future posts). So we’ll go with an easy one today. Apparently, America’s super über patriot, Glenn Beck, is battling some rare neurological disorder, but doctors haven’t been able to diagnose what’s wrong with him. This one writes itself folks.

 

A doctor finally diagnoses Glenn Beck as being bat shit insane.
A friendly doctor finally diagnoses what's wrong with America's super über Patriot, Glenn Beck.

GOP Scaring Up Votes

The knob on the Republican Noise and Fear Machine has been cranked all the way up to 11 this summer and fall in their desperate attempt to scare Americans into voting for conservative Republican candidates this year and give the Republicans a majority in the Senate and the House. This is the standard GOP tactic and has been used successfully many times in the past to get the American sheeple for vote Republican. What can a rational, thinking person possibly do to combat these horrifying, terrifying, frightening, scare tactics, you may ask? We could start by remembering the words of FDR; “We have nothing to fear but fear itself”. There’s really only one solution to this conservative Republican fearmongering: just say NO… to Republicans!

Republican ghouls McConnell, Cruz, McCain, Krauthammer and Boehner are scaring up votes from the electorate this Halloween.
America’s favorite Republican ghouls have been out this Halloween season literally scaring up votes from the electorate.

Bush’s Greatest Masterpiece: The Iraq Quagmire

Former Republican President and the Picasso of the conservative GOP world, George W. Bush, recently popped his head up to provide his great wisdom on the subject of the ISIS/ISIL terrorists fighting in Iraq and Syria. Yes, in an interview with Fox News, a.k.a. the Republican Propaganda Network, it seems that Bush thinks that we never should have left Iraq in 2011 even though he agreed before he left office that troops should leave at that time. Remember folks, this from the man who dressed up in May 2003 in a flight suit and announced ‘Mission Accomplished’ in Iraq. This man boldly proclaimed that Iraq was a slam dunk and we’d be in and out in no time. Does he really think he holds any kind of credibility at all anymore? No wonder Obama doesn’t call him for advice. We think that good ol’ Dubya should just keep to painting pictures of himself in the tub.

George W. Bush proclaims people should be self sufficient except when it comes to Iraq, who should get our military and tax dollars for years to come.
Good ol' Dubya demonstrates why he should forget 'presidentin' and stick to painting pictures of himself in the bathtub.

Bush Is Still SOOOOO Wrong on Iraq!

It’s amazing to us (but not surprising) that Republicans have now resurrected the old story of how WMDs were actually found in Iraq, even though those supposed WMDs were actually ‘old, degraded chemical munitions’. Let’s restate this so it’s clear: the WMDs that were found in Iraq, according to confirmation by intelligence officials, military officials and even the Bush administration were pre-1991 chemicals and were NOT the WMDs the administration cited in its argument for war and, as former weapons inspector David Kay stated, were about as harmful as household pesticides.   If there is one thing the Republicans do well it’s fearmongering. It’s election time in America so Republicans are bringing out their fear machine to scare the sheeple into voting Republican. Look at the crises that Republicans are blaming on Obama right now: ISIS/ISIL, Ukraine, Illegal Immigration and the Border, Ebola, cloudy days, that hangnail we got yesterday. This is classic Republican politics. This WMD story is a repeat from 2006. FROM 2006!!! Hopefully Americans will be intelligent enough to see through these scare tactics and not give the Republicans any more power than they already have.

We’re repeating a photo-toon we posted of Rick Santorum during the 2012 election finding the WMD’s. The photo-toon is originally from our July 7, 2006 issue when Rick ‘the Dick’, enabler extraordinaire of the Bush Administration’s military adventurism in the Middle East and ace sleuth, came forward and said that the WMD’s were found in Iraq. Rick was voted out of office the following November.

Rick the Dick Santorum has found the WMDs in Iraq
Pennsylvania Senator and super sleuth Rick Santorum recently claimed that the WMDs in Iraq were found, despite intelligence officials, military officials and even the Bush administration confirming that the pre-1991 chemicals weren't the WMDs the administration cited in its argument for war and, as former weapons inspector David Kay stated, were about as harmful as household pesticides.

 

The Holy Corporate Empire

Here’s a good article about how America has become a corporate theocracy. Of course, it didn’t happen overnight. Its been happening gradually over the last 60 years; kind of like turning up the heat gradually on a pan of boiling water so the frogs inside the pot don’t even realize they’re getting boiled. Sinclair Lewis famously said something similar to the statement, “When fascism comes to America, it will wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross.” Religions, especially christianity, are authoritarian by nature; the sheep follow the shepherd and do was he says; which is dangerous when the shepherd is a corporatist wolf, only interested in making profits off his duped sheep. Make no mistake; this holy corporatist state is the new fascism and the people implementing it are extremely authoritarian and will not tolerate any dissent.

Before World War II, you could tell a fascist because they usually wore a military uniform, service cap or helmet and jackboots. However, today’s fascist, thanks to wily marketing and propaganda tactics, is much more palatable to the average citizen. Today’s fascist wears a spiffy business suit with a flag lapel pin on one side and a cross on the other. And they’ve always got a sparkling, toothy smile(see Mitt Romney).  If today’s holy corporate fascists have their way, if a business or corporation doesn’t like who you are or what you believe in, they will be able to deny you basic health services, employment or just plain service.  That’s hokum, you say. But look at the decisions handed down by the religious, conservative activist dominated Supreme Court in the past 5 years. Corporations are ‘people’ who can give as much money as possible to political lackeys who will do their bidding and these corporations can impose their will on you in the name of religious freedom. Fascism has arrived in America in a nice, friendly, tidy combination of business, economics and religion that hates science, logic and reason. Goodbye United States of America; Hello The Holy Corporate Empire!

Fascism has a new uniform; Resistance is futile
Goodbye United States of America; Hello Holy Corporate Empire!

Rewind: 3:16 To Tehran

This is our final post in our brief Coming Soon To A Theater Near You retrospective…

Here’s a theater poster from our October 28, 2007 edition highlighting the Neocon Production 3:16 to Tehran starring George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as Mo. Yep, the conservative christian Republicans, led by John McCain are still banging the drums for war against Iran and the rest of the Islamic world. If only those Muslims would convert to christianity…

George W. Bush is on a mission from God to spread christian love to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Iran in missile form.
3:16 to Tehran: Super christian George W. Bush is on a mission from God as he and fellow neocon Dick Cheney try to convert Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Iran to christianity. Will his message of love from the book of John work in missile form? All aboard for the 3:16 to Tehran! Rated R for Rapturous.