Wide World O’ Wacky – Page 7 – BilgeBucket Gazette

Rewind: Bullshit Accomplished

From the “you’ve got to be fucking kidding me” file, a recent poll indicated that George W. Bush now polls more favorably than Hillary Clinton and President Obama. Really??!!! Are Americans’ memories that bad? Apparently so. We’ve posted before about Louisiana Republicans blaming the Hurricane Katrina response on Obama. It’s a pretty common phenomenon that people become more popular once they’re out of office (the phrase absence makes the heart grow fonder comes to mind). But have Americans really forgotten the crap that ol’ Dubya got us into like the financial crisis, the Hurricane Katrina response, the monstrous deficit, infrastructure collapse, environmental destruction, the failed pursuit of Osama Bin Laden and of course the clusterf*ck otherwise known as the Iraq War. We think it’s time for a little rewind to our September 25, 2003 edition when America was still basking in the glow of Dubya prancing around in a flight suit on the deck of an aircraft carrier proclaiming to the world ‘Mission Accomplished’. More like ‘Bullshit Accomplished’.

President Bush, prancing around in a flight suit, thanks gullible Americans for believing his crap as he wins the Emmy for the Best Politically Motivated Photo Op of the Year. — President Bush wins the Emmy for the Best Politically Motivated Photo Op of the Year.

Grand Stupidity

From the Unfreakingbelievable file: it appears a goddamn, greedy mega-developer thinks the timeless grandeur of the Grand Canyon in Arizona is lacking. That’s obviously because there’s no Mega-mall there where you can shop ’til you drop! Yes, this colossal asswipe wants to place a mega-development at the edge of the Grand Canyon. We don’t know where to begin on describing how ludicrously stupid this is. Seriously, if you’re going to the Grand Canyon and you expect to find unlimited shopping opportunities, then you are a special kind of seriously f*cked up! Most people go the Grand Canyon to GET AWAY FROM development and enjoy nature and wildlife at its most basic. If they want cheezy, glitzy shopping opportunities then they go to Las Vegas. Maybe these greedy, capitalist, dickhead developers can make a replica of the Grand Canyon in Las Vegas just like they did with Paris, New York and Egypt. Las Vegas is where this kind of stupidity belongs. When it comes to the Grand Canyon, we have just three words to say to developers: LEAVE IT ALONE!!!!!

A noble, American hunter prepares to thin the herd of greedy, rapacious, land developers, who want to develop the Grand Canyon. — A noble, American hunter prepares to thin the herd of greedy, rapacious, land developers.

Jenner’s Shocking Revelation

Bruce Jenner recently sat down with ABC’s Diane Sawyer and confirmed to the world what many had already suspected; he is transitioning from being a man to being a women. He calmly and thoughtfully explained that though he is not gay, he has always felt that he was a woman and decided to finally make the transition. But then Jenner dropped the big bombshell; he came out as a….Republican! GASP!!!! EEEEEWWWWW!

We find it kind of funny that Jenner would be a Republican, especially when so many current conservative Republicans are so openly hostile to the trangendered. Of course, we also find it shocking that there are so many Log Cabin Republicans. Why would you support a group of people like the ‘compassionate’ conservative Republicans, who if given the chance, would leave you hanging out to dry with no qualms or regret. Some christian conservative Republicans have even called for openly killing gays. It boggles the imagination. Nevertheless, we’re sure one of the Republican clowns running for President in 2016 will no doubt use Jenner as a tool to get the transgendered vote.

Well, whatever. We here at the Bucket are not big fans of the Kardashian clan, reality shows or any Hollywood celebrities for that matter, so we say this to Bruce Jenner on finding people in the Republican party who will support your decision: Lotsa Luck!

Former Olympian Bruce Jenner, who is also transitioning from male to female, shocked the world recently by proclaiming he was a Republican.

Capitalism? More Like Cannibalism

It’s obvious that our nation is not a functioning representative democracy anymore. Thanks to the recent Supreme Court Citizens United and McCutcheon vs FEC decisions, we can safely say that the United States of America is a corporate oligarchy, where only the wealthiest corporations have a say in what happens to America. So contrary to what the Republican say, big government isn’t the problem; corporate America controlling the government is the problem. After all, Republicans and Democrats nowadays are just corporate lackeys; doing their corporate overlord’s bidding for campaign contributions. It is truly sad to see that America is as corrupt as a banana republic. The whole idea behind the Republican’s ‘government is the problem’ con is to fool the masses into thinking that relaxing government regulations and oversight on corporations is a great thing for freedom when in fact it is the worst thing that can happen. Let’s be honest and frank here; capitalism breeds greed, avarice and selfishness. These traits are counter to everything a supposedly ‘christian’ nation holds dear. Without regulations, humanity’s greed runs rampant and our economy and society truly becomes a rat race. It’s shocking that just living basically and simply today costs an arm and a leg. People everywhere in the past ten years have gone under. The middle class has all but disappeared. In order to survive, people have to raise rates, fees and prices to exorbitant levels just to break even. Just taking a beloved pet to the vet can bankrupt a person. It’s gotten to a point where you have to wonder whether it’s capitalism anymore or cannibalism. Is this really what we want for our society?

Modern capitalism has taken on a more cannibalistic approach. — Capitalism: devouring the humanity from humans since the Middle Ages.

The Prankin’ Pope

Pope Francis has become a very popular pope among the world’s catholics and non-catholics alike. Since he’s become pope he’s come out with some pretty bold, controversial statements criticizing capitalism, supporting evolution, supporting the big bang, acknowledging gay rights and stating that climate change is real. It’s gotten such that even tea party darling Sarah Palin has commented how liberal the pope has sounded. (Wow, imagine that…a pope acting liberal, just like Jesus!)

We here at the Bucket are atheists and while we give Papa Francisco some props for his views on capitalism and his ‘evolution’ on scientific matters, we think he’s still way off on many issues such as women’s rights, birth control and of course, the whole God thing. But what annoys us the most isn’t the pope; it’s about the majority of humans, not only in this country but worldwide. Scientists have been touting evolution, the big bang, climate change and other scientific discoveries and facts for years and nobody listens. Scientists base their findings on solid data and evidence gathered over many years using the scientific method and religious people reply to this with an ‘oh I’m skeptical’ reply, ignoring the implausibility of their own ‘beliefs’. And yet Papa Francisco, who knows far less about science than your average scientist, comes out and says climate change and evolution are real, and suddenly, all the sheeple say, ‘Oh maybe there is something to this.’ So humanity won’t listen to people who actually know something about how the universe works but they’ll listen to somebody like the pope, who in our opinion, knows little about how the universe functions. Hmmm, could that be why the world is in such a colossal mess?

But wouldn’t it be funny if Papa Francisco’s next bombshell for the sheeple was that the whole God thing was… a prank. Move over Ashton Kutcher; we’ve got a new Punk Master!

Pope Francis states that there's no God and that the sheeple have been pranked for the last two thousand years for fun and profit. — Pope Francis reveals his latest bombshell to his pliant, unquestioning flock.

Super Fan Has The ‘Powah’

The Super Bowl is coming up this week, right here in Arizona. Just like there are people who think they can control events in other parts of the world with the ‘powah of prayer’, there are certain Super Fans who think they can actually influence events on a football field. We thought only Zeus, Odin, God or the Flying Spaghetti Monster could affect sporting contests. You live and learn. Here’s an article from our September 25, 2003 issue about a Super Fan with the ‘powah’.

Cardinals Fan Actually Affects Outcome Of Game

Rabid Arizona Cardinals fan, Beverly Poston, actually affected the outcome of the last Sunday’s Cardinals-Packers game, from her Cactus Corners home.

“I was sitting there listening to the game like I do every Sunday,” said the sixty year old Poston. “It was the first quarter and I was thinking, ‘Jeff Blake should throw that ball to Boldin’ and sure enough on the very next play he threw a strike to Boldin and he got down to the one. Next thing you know, it’s touchdown Cardinals!”

“Then in the fourth quarter, when Favre was driving down the field, I was thinking, ‘The Cardinals really need to stop him.’ And sure enough, Dexter Jackson intercepted the ball and the Cardinals won!”

Cardinals coach Dave McGinnis was very appreciative of Poston’s contributions. “Without a doubt Beverly made a difference. Like on our touchdown in the fourth quarter, we were on the one yard line and I was thinking about giving the ball to Emmitt Smith, but then I could hear Bev’s voice in my head saying, ‘throw the ball, throw the ball’. Blake threw the ball to Hodgins and we go up.”

Dexter Jackson concurred. “Beverly is amazing. I could just hear her voice in my head saying we could win if we just stop them. The next play I iced the win with my interception. But it was Bev who deserves all the credit.”

Poston has also affected many other events from her home like the Vietnam War, the 2000 presidential election, and Ben and JLo’s breakup.

We Are Charlie

What a way to start out the new year. The recent shootings at the Charlie Hebdo headquarters in Paris has struck a raw nerve with us here at the Bucket. We’re all atheists here. We tend to agree with Bill Maher’s statement on Jimmy Kimmel’s show that ‘“there are no great religions, they’re all stupid and dangerous,” Some people just do not seem to possess a sense of humor, especially religious fundamentalists. And isn’t it funny that religious fundamentalists seem to be…drum roll please…extreme conservatives. Go figure. One of the most important lessons in life we have learned is the ability to laugh at one’s self. Obviously, religious fundamentalists in all major organized religions seemed to have missed that lesson. Once again, fundamentalists in Islam have gotten upset over cartoons. CARTOONS!!!! We’d just like to say to all fundamentalists in every major religion on this planet… LIGHTEN UP!!!! LEARN HOW TO LAUGH AT YOURSELF!!! GET A SENSE OF HUMOR!!!!

Ahhh! We’re just messing with you. We can’t tell you ‘holy guys’ what to do. Go ahead and keep killing all the people who don’t believe what you believe. That’s worked so well for the past couple thousand years. There’s nothing like the status quo.

Jewish, Islamic, and Christian fundamentalists seem to get all pissy when someone points out the outdated silliness of their doctrines. — Fundamentalists from the major religions on Planet Earth agree on one thing: their senses of humor suck.

The End Of The World As We Know It

An earth shaking event occurred this past week that affected everyone all over the world and very well could signal the apocalypse. Every news outlet covered it as one of it’s top stories and people and pundits alike are debating the significance and consequences of it. Did another nuclear reactor start leaking radiation? Was there another oil or chemical spill? Did North Korea launch a nuclear missile? Did war break out in the Middle East? No folks, I’m afraid it’s much worse than that.

Which celebrity do we worship now that Justin Bieber has been arrested. Is it the end of the world. — The arrest of teen pop artist, Justin Bieber, on suspicion of a DUI just may bring on the apocalypse.

Celebrate Christmas or Die!

Do you need a last minute holiday gift? You came to the right place! Fox News talk show host Bill O’Reilly, whose only goal in life is to look out for you, has released a new book just in time for you to buy it and stuff it… in your stocking for Christmas, Festivus or whatever the hell holiday you celebrate this time of year. He gives key strategies on dealing with people who have non-Christian ideologies and how to beat the holy hell out them, all in the joyous spirit of the season. And with a foreward by Ms. Ubetcha, how can anyone refuse!

Holiday Conversations At The Mall

iPads, iPhones, Androids and other mobile devices are everywhere and you can really observe this when you go xmas shopping your nearest mall. In the olden days, one might turn to the person shopping next to them or standing in line and start a conversation. Now, everyone is having conversations… on their cell phones. They’re chatting with their best friends about the bargains they’re seeing or they’ve got their heads down gazing at their smart phones checking their all important Facebook status. Happy Holidays folks, but please don’t talk to us…we’re playing Angry Birds.