Rewind: Crappy Infomercial Secrets

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

Infomercials have been the bane of 21st century television. If you can’t get to sleep and turn on any cable channel or antenna TV channel, you know what we’re talking about. Everything from orthotics for your shoes to secret beauty treatments to music hits from yesteryear; Americans have been inundated with entire shows devoted with getting you to buy schtufff – schtufff that you really don’t need and may not even work.

We dug up an old article from our August 16, 2007 edition where some washed-up movie actress is trying to hawk her beauty secrets to the unsuspecting rubes who may be watching her infomercial – all for fun and profit.

Star Reveals Crappy Beauty Secret

Television actress, Victoria Primero, who starred in the popular 1980’s night time soap, Shreveport, has recently completed her infomercial touting her secret to beautiful skin; rubbing manure on her face before she goes to bed every night. This odd beauty secret has won many adherents in the celebrity world, who rave about the results, although many consumers seem weary.

“I know it’s hard for some people to believe,” said a beaming Primero, “But I rub shit on my face every night before I go to bed and my skin has never looked better. At first, the smell kind of got to me, I have to admit. But after you get use to it, it’s no problem at all. It also helps if you’re not in a relationship because usually men run for the exit sign when they see me break out my bucket of pig manure and start slopping it on my face. But when it comes to it, I’d rather have beautiful young looking skin than love.”

Young singing sensation and socialite, Tiffany Brittany, also swears by the treatment. “I’m like so totally blown away by this treatment. Like, who knew that shit could be so good for your skin? Not me, that’s for sure. But like make sure you get it all off your face before you go clubbing. Like one time, I didn’t and I was shitfaced before I even got shitfaced. . . . Oh my God! I just now got that!”

Former child star, Linda Doll, swears by it. “Since my career is pretty much dead, I need to pay my bills and support my drug habit. That’s why I love these new manure products that Victoria is hawking on an easily duped public. Take it from me, Linda Doll; it’s good shit!”

Noted Bulgarian dermatologist and psychic, Lazlo Bresniewski, who introduced the treatment to America, explained how he discovered the revolutionary treatment. “I was on family farm as boy and every day my brother, Boris push me into cow shit pile. He make me stay there for hours. In our teen age years, I never get pimples. Boris became, how you say, ‘pizza face’. I think to myself. ‘I think the shit keep me young.’ I work on my theory and perfected it. I tried smearing shit on young girls faces in my village. I would try pig shit, cow shit, donkey shit . . .Oh sure, I would get my face smacked, but the women, they love me when they no get the crows feet when they hit twenty and believe me, women in my country go down hill when they hit twenty. So the women in my village, they love me. They say tell the world. So I come to America and spread my word. I guess you could say my word is shit. Hey, I’m funny, too. Eat your heart out, Yakov Smirnoff!”

Despite rave reviews from celebrities, many people are reluctant to rub feces on their faces. Karen Haren, of Dallas, Texas, said, “I work at the cosmetics counter at Mallards and honestly I don’t think shit will sell all that well. Maybe Ms. Primero ought to hawk her cosmetic product over at Home Depot’s Garden department.”

Daisy Mae Kinlove, of Burris, Missouri said, “Now whys’d I go buy some expensive crap from some hi-falutin’ star when I gots my own slops right out back. And you don’ts just wears it at night. I smears it all over myself. It shore done drive my Cletus crazy!”

Donna Reece, of Los Angeles, California, said, “I know all my favorite stars swear by this treatment, but I just don’t know about rubbing shit on my face. Oh, what the hell. They’re celebrities! There the smartest people in the world! They know better than I do!”

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