Holy Huckster Hijinx – Page 26 – BilgeBucket Gazette

The Ice Queen Fibbeth

Carly Fiorina has ‘surged’ into second place in the sham that is Con-a-thon 2016. But she has caught a lot of flak recently and deservedly so for out and out lying about Planned Parenthood. This failed CEO and stone cold Ice Queen cooked up a video to support her lies. (Imagine that: a Republican making shit up!) But that’s par for the course for today’s compassionate, ‘pro-life’, conservative Republican. Tea Party Republicans in Congress right now are trying to defund Planned Parenthood stating that it would save taxpayers money on providing abortion services even though according to facts (something Republicans hate and ignore), only 3% of the money afforded to Planned Parenthood goes to abortion services. Here’s another article that points out the Republicans incoherence. Most of Planned Parenthood services go to STD prevention, cancer screening and providing contraception consultation. Make no mistake, the right wing, evangelical christians will do anything including the distinctly unchristian lying, cheating and deceiving to make sure a woman has no choice but to have her baby even if it might possibly mean the woman’s life ends. ‘Pro-life’ indeed!

In Carly Fiorina's mind, Planned Parenthood armies will force abortions on pregnant women and sell the body parts for drugs and liquor. — GOP Presidential candidate and stone cold Ice Queen, Carly Fiorina, creates a new fib of gigantic proportions in hopes of eliminating Planned Parenthood and winning the votes of the right wing wackos in charge of the Republican party.

Republicans On Iran: War Is Good Business

In mid-July, the United States and five other world powers, Great Britain, France, Germany, Russia and China, reached a historic agreement with Iran which will significantly stifle Iran’s ability to make a nuclear device while easing sanctions, which were destroying Iran’s economy. Most people hailed this as an historic accord. Scientists recently proclaimed their support for the deal as well as retired generals and admirals. And yet, the agreement is in danger of not passing the Senate. Hmmm…..given the history of the Republicans dealing with the Obama administration, we wonder who could possibly object to this ground breaking piece of diplomacy? Hmmm…who could it be?

That’s right folks. The whiny, sucky, crybabies known as the Republican party and a few war mongering Democrats like Chuck Schumer, plan to vote against it. You see it’s pretty simple. Obama supports it, so the GOP is against it. It’s been that way since 2009. Plus, most of the Republicans are on the payroll of the military industrial complex defense companies so naturally they follow the slogan that ‘Diplomacy is for wimps. War is just good business’. And senile Senator from Arizona John McCain, just wants to ‘bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran’. The Republican’s objection to the Iran deal is proof that they shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the White House or to handle foreign relations. Not unless we want more backbreaking, money sucking quagmires like Afghanistan or Iraq. Yep, the same people who brought you the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq want to bring you a glorious new quagmire in Iran.

The new Iran nuclear agreement, which is supported by US, UK, France, Germany, Russia, China, scientists and generals, is greeted by chants of 'bomb Iran' by war mongering Senators like John McCain and military industrialist plutocrats who say that war is just good business. — Much to the dismay of President Obama, military industrialist plutocrats and conservative Republicans prefer war to diplomacy when it comes to Iran, because, you know, war is good business.

Rewind: Delightful Dubya Deceptions

We recently commented about the unbelievable poll that stated that more people viewed George W. Bush favorably now than President Obama, despite the fact that Obama has cleaned up the colossal mess that good ol’ Dubya made here and abroad. Here’s an article from our April 25, 2004 edition which may explain this phenomenon. It seems that people were actually comforted by the Bush Administration’s lies and deceptions.

Many Americans Comforted By Bush Administration Deceptions

According to recent polls, George W. Bush’s approval ratings have improved, despite revelations of deceptions and misinformation from the White House concerning the war in Iraq by Paul O’Neill, Richard Clarke, John Dean and Bob Woodward. The polls indicate that having a lying, deceitful president leading the country comforts many Americans.

Dwight Rodman of Festerville, Oklahoma, said, “That’s what Presidents do. Nixon lied about Watergate. Clinton lied about having sex with all those women. Now Bush has lied about WMDs in Iraq. It’s just the American way. Now if someone told the truth, then I’d worry.”

Mabel Ellis of Port Drudgery, New Jersey, said, “At least President Bush doesn’t have sex with nubile young interns. I can live with a multi-billion dollar war from which we have no clear cut way of exiting and will put us in excruciating debt for years to come. But having sex is something I will not tolerate.”

Theodore M. Farnsworth IV of Crudopolis, Texas, said, “I’m the CEO of a major energy corporation. The President’s lies are keeping the attention off me and all the environmental damage I’m doing by fracking. Four more years!”

Byron G. Caldwell of Big Spud, Idaho, said, “I’m the CEO of a major logging corporation. The President’s lies are keeping the attention off me and all the regulations that are being relaxed so I can plunder America’s forests. Four more years!”

Mildred Dunwiddy of Backwater, South Carolina, said, “Oh, its just a little white lie. Besides, I think the biggest problem this nation is facing is that slut Janet Jackson and her malfunctioning wardrobe.”

Phil Smoots of Gator Crossing, Florida, said, “How can America be worrying about a quagmire in Iraq, when people of the same sex are getting married? I just don’t get this country.”

Jerry Scheissner of Fuddsworth, Missouri, said, “If things are going so bad in Iraq, how come we don’t see any pictures of coffins? How ’bout that, smart guy!”

Rev. Aloysius T. Terry of Piggettstown, Mississippi, said, “I’m an evangelical minister and I say President Bush is leading us one step closer to Armageddon and the Rapture. Halleluiah!”

Please Texas…Secede!

The Texas school board recently stated that Texas students will begin using new textbooks which teach that slavery was just a side issue to the civil war and never mention Jim Crow laws or the Ku Klux Klan. So basically it whitewashes racism and the whole Civil War. Then there’s that whole Jade Helm 15 crap. Of course, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. Texas is a red state filled with conservative christians, who also believe that the earth is less than 10,000 years old and that man co-existed with the dinosaurs. This is pretty dangerous stuff folks. Texas is purposely teaching their children false dogmas and history that just isn’t true. We think that Texas should make good on its repeated threats during Obama’s presidency and just secede from the United States. Actually we beg of you Texas; please take the Bushes, Rick Perry and Ted Cruz and form your own country! You’ll be happier without us and we’ll definitely be happier without you and your Texas size egos!

A Texas school teacher proudly teaches his class that slavery was fun and Negroes enjoyed the hell out of it and a conservative christian reminds the kids that the earth is only 6000 years old. — Texas now teaches its children that the whole slavery thing was just one big festival and Jesus probably rode a brontosaurus.

Rewind: Bullshit Accomplished

From the “you’ve got to be fucking kidding me” file, a recent poll indicated that George W. Bush now polls more favorably than Hillary Clinton and President Obama. Really??!!! Are Americans’ memories that bad? Apparently so. We’ve posted before about Louisiana Republicans blaming the Hurricane Katrina response on Obama. It’s a pretty common phenomenon that people become more popular once they’re out of office (the phrase absence makes the heart grow fonder comes to mind). But have Americans really forgotten the crap that ol’ Dubya got us into like the financial crisis, the Hurricane Katrina response, the monstrous deficit, infrastructure collapse, environmental destruction, the failed pursuit of Osama Bin Laden and of course the clusterf*ck otherwise known as the Iraq War. We think it’s time for a little rewind to our September 25, 2003 edition when America was still basking in the glow of Dubya prancing around in a flight suit on the deck of an aircraft carrier proclaiming to the world ‘Mission Accomplished’. More like ‘Bullshit Accomplished’.

President Bush, prancing around in a flight suit, thanks gullible Americans for believing his crap as he wins the Emmy for the Best Politically Motivated Photo Op of the Year. — President Bush wins the Emmy for the Best Politically Motivated Photo Op of the Year.

Republican Clown Car 2016

Guess what everyone? It’s time for another presidential election. Didn’t we just finish this crap? Well, with a scant 16 months left before the 2016 presidential election, it’s time for CON-A-THON 2016… and we’ve already got 16 Republican presidential candidates. That’s right! 16!!!! You’d think that all this choice would be a good thing. But we’re talking about the modern Republican party. We’re not sure who coined the term, but the most accurate description of this collection of colossal egos has to be the Republican Clown Car (They’re also available for birthday parties and bar mitzvahs). Early polls are indicating that Jeb “Don’t Call Me Bush” Bush and perennial blowhard and teabagger favorite Donald Trump, are leading the polls. But if you peruse our archives for Con-a-thon 2012, you’ll see that there was a new flavor-of-the-week back then, too. One week it was Newt Gingrich; the next it was Herman Cain; and the next it was Rick Santorum, who apparently hasn’t learned his lesson that he’s not appealing to a wide swath of Americans. Oh well…this circus and extraordinary waste of money is sure to be amusing for the next 16 months. Really???!!! Another 16 months of this shit???!!!!

The Republican Clown Car for the 2016 Presidential election, also known as Con-a-thon 2016. — Ladies and Gentlemen: Introducing the Republican Clown Car for Con-a-thon 2016.

The Fox News Blinders

The big news this past week has been the shootings in Charleston, South Carolina. The killer, Dylann Roof’s racist manifesto has disturbed the nation and has brought many issues to the forefront. One is the removal of the confederate flag from the South Carolina state capital building in Charleston and the removal of any confederate flag items from store stocks. This isn’t sitting too well with some southerners. But then again, those confederate flag lovers been sore for the past 150 years.

More importantly, many dialogues have started about the prevalence of racism in America. But you won’t hear any such discussion from that bastion of conservatism, Fox News, a.k.a. The Republican Propaganda Network. Nope, the ‘journalists’ at Fox are way too busy spinning the Charleston shootings as an attack on christianity. They know their audience all too well; old, scared, white, racist christians. Of course, in order to keep their audience happy they have to pander to them and enable them, denying any inconvenient fact like the killer saying he was racist and he was killing the people because of the color of their skin.

Fox News' Steve Doocy spins the racist desires of a white supremacist into a war against white christians. — Fox ‘journalist’ Steve Doocy (pronounced douchey), who is a graduate of the Bozo Clown College, demonstrates his impressive journalism skills for his pliant audience of old, scared, racist, white christians.

Hypocritical Oaf

Remember when Hurricane Sandy devastated the East Coast back in 2012, killing 117 people and causing an estimated 65 billion dollars in damage. Millions of people were left in need of federal assistance to recover. But fortunately for conservative Republicans, a brash young tea party hellcat named Ted Cruz voted against a disaster relief bill for victims of the horrendous storm.

Fast forward to this past week and Ted Cruz is demanding President Obama and congress provide disaster relief for the victims of the recent calamitous flooding in Texas which claimed 15 lives. Remember, Ted Cruz is running for president so he has to appear to his fellow Texans like he gives a damn about them. If he keeps this up, he’ll out flip-flop Spiff Romney.

Teabagger patriot, climate change denier, staunch anti-socialist and smuggest Senator alive, Ted Cruz, proclaims that despite being against federal assistance for disaster victims, President Obama should send federal aid to Texas flood victims because...you know...Ted Cruz wants to be president.

The Prankin’ Pope

Pope Francis has become a very popular pope among the world’s catholics and non-catholics alike. Since he’s become pope he’s come out with some pretty bold, controversial statements criticizing capitalism, supporting evolution, supporting the big bang, acknowledging gay rights and stating that climate change is real. It’s gotten such that even tea party darling Sarah Palin has commented how liberal the pope has sounded. (Wow, imagine that…a pope acting liberal, just like Jesus!)

We here at the Bucket are atheists and while we give Papa Francisco some props for his views on capitalism and his ‘evolution’ on scientific matters, we think he’s still way off on many issues such as women’s rights, birth control and of course, the whole God thing. But what annoys us the most isn’t the pope; it’s about the majority of humans, not only in this country but worldwide. Scientists have been touting evolution, the big bang, climate change and other scientific discoveries and facts for years and nobody listens. Scientists base their findings on solid data and evidence gathered over many years using the scientific method and religious people reply to this with an ‘oh I’m skeptical’ reply, ignoring the implausibility of their own ‘beliefs’. And yet Papa Francisco, who knows far less about science than your average scientist, comes out and says climate change and evolution are real, and suddenly, all the sheeple say, ‘Oh maybe there is something to this.’ So humanity won’t listen to people who actually know something about how the universe works but they’ll listen to somebody like the pope, who in our opinion, knows little about how the universe functions. Hmmm, could that be why the world is in such a colossal mess?

But wouldn’t it be funny if Papa Francisco’s next bombshell for the sheeple was that the whole God thing was… a prank. Move over Ashton Kutcher; we’ve got a new Punk Master!

Pope Francis states that there's no God and that the sheeple have been pranked for the last two thousand years for fun and profit. — Pope Francis reveals his latest bombshell to his pliant, unquestioning flock.

Rewind: Falwell’s Date For Eternity

With the recent fallout of the Religious Freedom Bill in Indiana and the launching of Ted Cruz’s presidential campaign from Liberty University, which was founded by evangelical preacher Jerry Falwell, we decided to dig out one of our old photo-toons on Mr. Falwell right after his death in May of 2007. If you remember, Mr. Falwell didn’t particularly like the Teletubbies, especially Tinky Winky. Well, Mr. Falwell finally discovers his eternal reward isn’t quite what he thought it would be.

The Reverend Jerry Falwell gets to spend eternity with his old pal from the teletubbies, Tinky Winky. — The Reverend Jerry Falwell has just found out the afterlife isn't what he thought it was going to be.

Falwell was well known for his controversial, hateful statements over the years. Here’s a short compendium of his most offensive quotes. Yeah, we don’t miss him either.

Jerry Falwell’s Greatest Hates

On Sept. 11: “The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way—all of them who have tried to secularize America—I point the finger in their face and say ‘you helped this happen.'”
On AIDS: “AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals.”
On feminists: “I listen to feminists and all these radical gals. … These women just need a man in the house. That’s all they need. Most of the feminists need a man to tell them what time of day it is and to lead them home. And they blew it and they’re mad at all men. Feminists hate men. They’re sexist. They hate men; that’s their problem.”
On global warming: “I can tell you, our grandchildren will laugh at those who predicted global warming. We’ll be in global cooling by then, if the Lord hasn’t returned. I don’t believe a moment of it. The whole thing is created to destroy America’s free enterprise system and our economic stability.”
On Martin Luther King Jr.: “I must personally say that I do question the sincerity and non-violent intentions of some civil rights leaders such as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Mr. James Farmer, and others, who are known to have left-wing associations.”
On Islam: “I think Mohammed was a terrorist. I read enough of the history of his life, written by both Muslims and non-Muslims, that he was a violent man, a man of war.”
On Jews: “In my opinion, the Antichrist will be a counterfeit of the true Christ, which means that he will be male and Jewish, since Jesus was male and Jewish.”
On public education: “I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won’t have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again, and Christians will be running them.”
On the separation of church and state: “There is no separation of church and state.”