Holy Huckster Hijinx – Page 24 – BilgeBucket Gazette

The Puritan Party

Well, the RNC has come and gone and it’s been every bit a clusterf*ck as predicted. Some highlights(or lowlights): Melania Trump plagiarized Michelle Obama’s 2008 DNC speech – Trump’s campaign denied then admitted the fraud; the so called anti-Trump movement never really gets going; Pence bores everyone to sleep; a tepid endorsement from Paul Ryan; and the smuggest Senator alive, Ted Cruz, still licking his wounds from his defeat in the Republican primaries, refuses to endorse Donald Trump. When your top celebrity endorser is Scott Baio from Joanie Loves Chachi, you know it’s bad. To top it off, Trump delivered a lie filled acceptance speech in an effort to make his supporters shit their pants in fear. Wow! What a sucky, sucky, suck ass Party!

But one thing that is incredibly disturbing is the platform adopted by the Republicans. It looks like it was written by extremist, far right wing, evangelical christians. You might as well call the Republican Party the Puritan Party now. Among the more dismaying platform points: appoint anti-choice Supreme Court justices; legalize anti-LGBT discrimination; pass an anti-choice constitutional amendment; end funding for Planned Parenthood; repeal environmental protection laws; ignore climate change; expand fracking and burying nuclear waste; privatize Medicare; cut food stamps; require bible study in public schools and (the worst one in our opinion) make christianity the national religion. Apparently, the Republicans want to go back to the ’50s…the 1650s! The Republican party platform also bears a strong resemblance to our fascist checklist we posted several months ago. If there was any doubt before there is no doubt now; with this party platform the Republican party has gone into hard core fascist mode.

Donald Trump introduces Indiana governor and everyone's Puritan pal, Mike Pence, as his ramrod straight, pole up the ass, Vice President candidate. — Donald Trump introduces Indiana governor and everyone’s Puritan pal, Mike Pence, as his ramrod straight, pole up the ass, Vice President candidate.

Brand Recognition

On the eve of the Republican National Convention, a.k.a. The Finest Dumpster Fire The World Has Even Seen, the RNC is busy preparing themselves for what looks to be a complete clusterf*ck. Donald Trump seems to have selected Indiana governor, christian soldier and blandest man alive, Mike Pence, as his running mate. Many prominent Republicans are not even attending the convention, preferring to distance themselves from Mr. Trump. Given this, the Republican party has decided to officially assent to the rise of Trump by re-branding the party with a brand new logo which more properly reflects its current ideology: a steaming pile of patriotic shit (note the dead elephant’s trunk sticking out on top).

On the eve of the Republican convention, the GOP has revealed its brand new logo which more accurately represents its current ideology.

In Guns We Trust

Another day, another mass shooting. With the Orlando shooting last weekend, we’ve had 182 mass shootings alone in the U.S. this year. Ahhh…life in 21st century America. We’ve commented ad infinitum about the need for gun control in this country, especially for assault weapons (just do a search for gun on this website). But our feckless, craven, Republican congressmen and senators are too beholden to the NRA and the gun lobby to do anything about it. Apparently, this is what our ‘compassionate’ conservative, GOP leaders want for this nation; people loving guns more than they do other people. This is the new norm. We might as well mint a new $1 dollar coin announcing our new national motto, “In Guns We Trust”.

Republican senators and congressmen, in conjunction with the NRA, have authorized the minting of a new $1 coin with the new national motto, 'In Guns We Trust' emblazoned on the obverse side, to show the world that in America, guns are more important than people. — Republican senators and congressmen, in conjunction with the NRA, have authorized the minting of a new $1 coin with the new national motto, ‘In Guns We Trust’ emblazoned on the obverse side, to show the world that in America, guns are more important than people.

Trump: Jesus’ Twin?

One of the more perplexing things about the rise of Donald Trump is the support he’s getting from the evangelical christians. We thought for sure they would support supposed ‘savior’ Ted Cruz, but they have overwhelmingly come out in support of someone who is thrice married; a hedonist, morally bankrupt and has at best a sketchy knowledge of the bible. We’re atheists here at the Bucket and we probably know more about the bible than Trump. Samantha Bee recently gave a hilarious analysis of the religious right evangelical’s seemingly hypocritical viewpoint. It’s definitely a lip diddler for us, folks. But then again, we can’t figure out how the hell Donald Trump is the GOP nominee for president.

Capitalist Jesus, who is also very Republican, admires his ideological twin, Donald Trump, for his greedy, egomaniacal, petty, self-aggrandizing, misogynistic, bombastic, materialistic, deceitful, callous, bigoted, and oppresive nature. — Capitalist Jesus, who is also very Republican, is stoked that his ideological twin, Donald Trump, looks to be the GOP nominee for president.

World War III: Trumpocalypse Now

We’re not pulling any punches here at the Bucket. We are vehemently anti-Donald Trump. Sure Hillary Clinton isn’t perfect, but she is basically a centrist Democrat and a moderate Republican. Like our guy Bernie Sanders has said, even on her worst days, she’s still one thousand times better than Mr. Trump.

There are countless reasons to not elect GOP frontrunner Donald Trump president. So far, he’s been as fickle as the wind on foreign and domestic issues alike. Oh, it’s Tuesday, then he’s for punishing women for abortions. If it’s Wednesday’s and the wind’s from the northwest, then women shouldn’t be punished. He used to be for gun control, but now he’s all for everyone having guns everywhere. Other issues he’s been for and against: transgender bathroom usage, same-sex marriage, NATO, reducing the national debt, Planned Parenthood, violence for political gain, etc…

But probably the biggest reason not to elect this psychopath is his foreign policy experience. We can’t think of a more dangerous person to have his finger on the nuclear button than this egomaniacal, authoritarian rage monster. The thought should make every sane Americans blood run cold. Let’s take the recent incident when U.S. sailors ventured into Iranian waters and were taken prisoners. Within a day, thanks to diplomacy by the Obama administration, the sailors were released. But Mr. Trump wanted to get tough with Iran (and possibly start World War III), which will undoubtedly be a nuclear war. He’s already sending mixed messages on foreign war policy as well. He stated that the U.S. shouldn’t be involved in foreign wars. But then he turns around and says he’d carpet bomb ISIS and show force in Syria. Can you imagine the Donald handling incidents with North Korea, China, the Ukraine, the Middle East. Just the slightest provocation would send Trump to the nuclear button. He’s already said, he would use nuclear weapons. Who knows — if Mexico doesn’t agree to build the border wall that Trump wants, he may send a few warheads southward.

The bottom line is this; if a person is thinking about voting for Trump, then that person should be prepared to go to war themselves, or send their sons, daughters or grandchildren to war. And this war won’t be just any war. It will be World War III: the Trumpocalypse.

In Donald Trump's new patriotic poster, an exuberant Trump supporter exhorts other Americans to join the fun in World War III: the Trumpocalypse. — In Donald Trump’s new patriotic poster, an exuberant Trump supporter exhorts other Americans to join the fun in World War III: the Trumpocalypse.

SEGUMUCA Nation

Well, the unthinkable has happened in America. What started out as a joke last June, has become a reality. Donald Trump has pretty much clinched the Republican Presidential nomination. Like other sane, reasonable folks, we’re completely surprised and a bit horrified at the ascendancy of this disingenuous, authoritarian megalomaniac. And naturally the blamestorming has commenced. Common scapegoats include the obvious choices like the Teabagger Republicans and corporate media. The Republicans have the gall to actually blame Obama. John Stewart has suggested it’s the Democrats. We here at the Bucket will go one better; we’re all to blame for this fiasco.

That’s right folks. Whether we want to admit it or not, we’re all responsible for Donald Trump because the orange rage monster is the epitome of capitalism run amok. We’ve commented before about the ugly predatory nature of unregulated capitalism. Upton Sinclair documented it one hundred years ago in the book The Jungle and it still is applicable today. Trump has come to represent everything that capitalism holds dear; greed, avarice, egoism, ultra-competitiveness, selfishness and materialism. Most Americans who have been raised on the belief that capitalism is the only sensible economy for this planet, look to the self-aggrandizing, megalomaniac billionaire, who has had three trophy wives and scores of material possessions like houses, cars, planes, etc… and say “Hey! I want to be like him.” That’s the American way. The rich, greedy plutocrats dangle the carrot and the rest of us salivate and go after it. We’ve mentioned John Steinbeck’s quote about the poor seeing themselves as temporarily embarrasses millionaires instead of exploited grunts. These are Trump’s trumpeters; the temporarily embarrassed millionaires; and of course the plutocrats, like Sheldon Adelson, who will naturally support his fellow billionaire.

We here at the Bucket were kind of hoping that Bernie Sanders, the self proclaimed democratic socialist would have gotten the nomination. That would have made the election a referendum of sorts between democratic socialism against unregulated capitalism. According to polls, in a head to head showdown, Sanders thumps Trump.

We think it’s time that all Americans do a bit of self-introspection, especially conservatives. Conservatives generally don’t do this because in the conservative mindset, they are always right, hence no need to look at oneself in the mirror. Questioning your actions is bad and a sign of weakness. One must do what has been traditionally done forever and ever. And don’t even think of apologizing; that is absolute weakness and worthy of death. But is Donald Trump really who were are as a nation? Are we really like Trump? Are we a SEGUMUCA nation: a nation of Selfish, Egotistical, Greedy, Ultra-Materialistic, Ultra-Competitive Assholes? (Catchy eh?…[sound of crickets chirping]…hellllooooo) Isn’t it time we put the people’s health and welfare, the public good and the environment above profits and selfish, greedy materialistic desires? Maybe if we do that, we won’t look in the mirror, see Donald Trump snarling back and say to ourselves, “Holy Shit! How did we get so fugly!”

Uncle Sam recoils in horror as he looks in the mirror and sees that he has become a selfish, egotistical, greedy, ultra-materialistic, ulta-competitive asshole, a.k.a. Donald Trump. — Uncle Sam recoils in horror as he looks in the mirror and sees that he has become a Selfish, Egotistical, Greedy, Ultra-Materialistic, Ultra-Competitive Asshole.

The Con Of The Craven Cowards

We’re still trying to figure out the complete con being orchestrated by the Republican ‘establishment’ and their cohorts in crime, the corporate media. Their so called ‘astonishment’ of the rise of Donald Trump seems pretty disingenuous. So does their desire to stop Trump, especially when so many GOP candidates(like Rubio, Cruz and Kasich), who have stated how absolutely horrible he is, would in fact support him if he got the nomination. Now if some of the GOP ‘establishment’ came out endorsing Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton (who is basically a moderate Republican anyway), then maybe we’d believe them and they would earn our respect.

But in the mean time, GOP stalwarts like Lindsey Graham and 2012 Republican nominee Spiff Romney, have come forward and shown what craven cowards they are. Graham famously said back in January, after he left the race, that choosing between Trump and Cruz was like being shot or poisoned. And yet,Graham recently endorsed Ted Cruz. Spiff Romney, who recently came out strongly against Trump, also basically endorsed Cruz. Yep; nothing says integrity like saying how awful a person is and then turning around and supporting them.

Lindsey Graham and Spiff Romney choose the poison that is Ted Cruz to be the GOP nominee. — Former candidate, Lindsey Graham, and 2012 GOP nominee, Spiff Romney, have boldly demonstrated their integrity by endorsing the man they called Republican poison, Ted Cruz.

Feckless Frauds

Well folks, the sham that is Con-a-thon 2016 drags on and it looks like the Republicans are choosing fascism over democracy, as Donald Trump racks up the delegates and the violent thugs. The con that is being pulled on the public not only by the Republican party but the complicit corporate media is mind boggling. The media is reporting that the Republicans are pulling out all the stops trying to stop the orange monster. Even 2012 GOP nominee, Mtt ‘Spiff’ Romney spoke out against the Donald, calling him a fraud. Yes, the Republicans are so concerned that Trump will be the nominee and in typical Republican fashion are blaming President Obama for the rise of Trump. That’s right; in the narrow conservative Republican’s viewpoint, it’s never the fault of a Republican.

But the thing is that while the ‘establishment’ and the remaining GOP candidates are attacking Trump, they’re also saying that they’ll support him if he becomes the GOP nominee. So the attacks on Trump being performed by Rubio, Kasich and Cruz are nothing but absolute, meaningless bullshit. Because no matter what they say, these feckless frauds are going to support this authoritarian megalomaniac for President anyway; just like everyone in the GOP ‘establishment’. Like P.T. Barnum said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.”

Despite GOP candidates Cruz, Kasich and Marcobot 2016 attacking Donald Trump, they will fecklessly support him if he gets the Republican nomination. — Discerning GOP candidates Ted Cruz, John Kasich and Marco Rubio, a.k.a. Marcobot 2016, boldly criticize frontrunner Donald Trump as an orange monster but will courageously support him if he gets the Republican nomination.

GOP: It’s All About The Size Of The Hand…And The Penis

The GOP hit a new all-time low last week; and that’s saying something because they’ve been nothing but abysmal ever since the travesty that is Con-a-thon 2016 started last summer (Geez has it been that long already!). Yes, middle school students running for student body president are officially more mature than the grown-up Republicans running for President. It started when Marco Rubio, a.k.a. Marcobot 2016, intimated that frontrunner, megalomaniac Donald Trump, might be less of a man because he had small hands. Well Trump, being a manly man, wasn’t going to let that comment slide and suggested in the next Republican debate that he was all that and more. Really???!!!! The Republicans are comparing dick sizes????!!!! IN A PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE????!!!!! No folks, this isn’t an episode of the Jerry Springer show or a bunch of drunks in a local tavern. These are supposedly legitimate adults who want to run this country, the most powerful in the world,…and they’re talking about the size of their penises.

We’re wondering what the last great Republican President, Dwight D. Eisenhower, would have said about today’s pathetic GOP.

GOP frontrunner, Donald Trump, assures the ghost of Ike that despite having small hands, his penis is huge. — The ghost of the last great Republican president, Dwight D. Eisenhower, warns Americans of the two greatest dangers to their liberty: an unchecked military-industrial complex and a man with a small penis.

Bedtime For Ben

A simple post today…evangelical and Teabagger darling, Dr. Ben Carson, suspended his presidential campaign last week, in the farce that is Con-a-thon 2016, to pursue his true passion…napping. Pleasant dreams, Dr. Carson. It was very interesting to …. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Ben Carson quits his presidential campaign to pursue his true passion...napping. — Ben Carson’s campaign summary – zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.