Last week, Fox News, a.k.a. the Republican Propaganda Network, trotted out two famous television doctors, Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz, to spew forth reasons why America should open up the economy despite nationally, being nowhere close to flattening the curve of the coronavirus pandemic. Both doctors, surprisingly enough, got their big break from the queen of all media Oprah Winfrey. Staff member Chester Einstein has always been a huge fan of Ms. Winfrey, but when it comes to Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz, he’s reduced to twiddling his lips. Quoting Chester, “These guys are clowns!” And from what these TV physicians said last week, we’re inclined to agree. As a matter of fact, we think they’re Oprah’s two biggest mistakes.
Dr. Phil McGraw has taken television and America by storm. Thanks to his exposure on The Oprah Winfrey Show, he was given his own television show in 2002. He’s even appeared in that crowd pleasing movie, Scary Movie 4. Every afternoon, Dr. Phil offers folksy advice for living to troubled, depressed, and gullible viewers. He’s also written several books offering common sense counseling to the confused masses. We’ve read up on Dr. Phil’s pearls of wisdom over the years and we’ve come up with a list of his top no nonsense ways to improve your life.
To live you have to breathe air
Get your turkey out of the oven or it’s going to get burnt
If you stub your toe, don’t amputate your foot
People do what they got to do
Life is shit when you really look at it (Ooops…Sorry that’s Monty Python)
Don’t gorge yourself on Cheezits when you can fill yourself up with Cool Ranch Doritos
Don’t pull out until you are completely finished
Remember what the dormouse said: “Feed your head”
Do or do not; there is no try (Ooops…Sorry that’s Yoda)
Dream big but not too big; you don’t want do better than ol’ Dr. Phil now do you? DO YOU?!!!
Don’t manage your life; live it
You can’t just live your life; you’ve got to manage it
You’re hopeless; just buy my books
You’re not hopeless; just buy my books
Death has a tendency to encourage a depressing view of war (Ooops…Sorry that’s Donald Rumsfeld)
If you can con Oprah into thinking you know something, start pricing solid gold houses
There’s a stupid cliché for every situation; memorize them and use them every chance you get
If you haven’t watched my television show, you can’t possibly be happy yet
Nothing is your fault; it’s all Bill Clinton’s fault