evangelical – Page 9 – BilgeBucket Gazette

Ben Carson: Truth Doctor

As predicted, the joke that is Con-a-thon 2016 is living up to expectations. The Donald no longer is the front runner and there is a new flavor of the month in the lead. That distinction now belongs to famed evangelical neurosurgeon Ben Carson. Unbelievably, this man has risen to the top of the GOP heap and in some polls(we suspect extremely errant polls) he’s even ahead of Hilary Clinton. Of course, all this despite Dr. Carson uttering the most non-sensical crap ever to spew forth from a presidential candidate’s mouth. But then you can never be too crazy with this year’s candidates in the Republican clown car. Seriously folks, the things that Carson has said are just mind-blowingly inane.

It appears that Dr. Carson is a pathological fabricator. He claims that he was excessively violent as an ‘impoverished’ child but no one who knew him back then can corroborate his story. He also falsely claimed to have applied for and been accepted to West Point. And this so called man of science doesn’t believe in evolution and thinks the Big Bang is a fairy tale.

In addition, it has recently been documented how that his house is basically a temple to himself. This follows along with the prosperity gospel being taught by many of today’s evangelical preachers, which is why the christian Tea Baggers are nuts for him…you know…because he believes in Jeebus. This despite his actions and viewpoints being mostly against anything Jesus ever said or did. But christians are authoritarians and when someone in authority, like Dr. Carson, says something, the good little sheep believe and obey. And of course, the authoritarian dictating his doctrines, like Dr. Carson, believes the truth is whatever he says it is.

Do Americans really want this chronic fibber as their leader? Well Dubya was president for eight years, so maybe they miss all the lies and deceptions. America is pretty dysfunctional in that respect. We’ve got another year to go in this travesty of democracy so we guess anything can happen. Maybe Jim Gilmore will come out of nowhere and be the next Republican flavor of the month.

Dr. Ben Carson explains that the Pyramids were for storing grain and the Great Wall of China was a big roller coaster much to the delight of his evangelical Teabagger followers. — New GOP frontrunner, Dr. Ben Carson, proclaims to all his evangelical Teabagger sheeple that the truth is pretty much what he says it is.

The Ice Queen Fibbeth

Carly Fiorina has ‘surged’ into second place in the sham that is Con-a-thon 2016. But she has caught a lot of flak recently and deservedly so for out and out lying about Planned Parenthood. This failed CEO and stone cold Ice Queen cooked up a video to support her lies. (Imagine that: a Republican making shit up!) But that’s par for the course for today’s compassionate, ‘pro-life’, conservative Republican. Tea Party Republicans in Congress right now are trying to defund Planned Parenthood stating that it would save taxpayers money on providing abortion services even though according to facts (something Republicans hate and ignore), only 3% of the money afforded to Planned Parenthood goes to abortion services. Here’s another article that points out the Republicans incoherence. Most of Planned Parenthood services go to STD prevention, cancer screening and providing contraception consultation. Make no mistake, the right wing, evangelical christians will do anything including the distinctly unchristian lying, cheating and deceiving to make sure a woman has no choice but to have her baby even if it might possibly mean the woman’s life ends. ‘Pro-life’ indeed!

In Carly Fiorina's mind, Planned Parenthood armies will force abortions on pregnant women and sell the body parts for drugs and liquor. — GOP Presidential candidate and stone cold Ice Queen, Carly Fiorina, creates a new fib of gigantic proportions in hopes of eliminating Planned Parenthood and winning the votes of the right wing wackos in charge of the Republican party.

Rewind: Delightful Dubya Deceptions

We recently commented about the unbelievable poll that stated that more people viewed George W. Bush favorably now than President Obama, despite the fact that Obama has cleaned up the colossal mess that good ol’ Dubya made here and abroad. Here’s an article from our April 25, 2004 edition which may explain this phenomenon. It seems that people were actually comforted by the Bush Administration’s lies and deceptions.

Many Americans Comforted By Bush Administration Deceptions

According to recent polls, George W. Bush’s approval ratings have improved, despite revelations of deceptions and misinformation from the White House concerning the war in Iraq by Paul O’Neill, Richard Clarke, John Dean and Bob Woodward. The polls indicate that having a lying, deceitful president leading the country comforts many Americans.

Dwight Rodman of Festerville, Oklahoma, said, “That’s what Presidents do. Nixon lied about Watergate. Clinton lied about having sex with all those women. Now Bush has lied about WMDs in Iraq. It’s just the American way. Now if someone told the truth, then I’d worry.”

Mabel Ellis of Port Drudgery, New Jersey, said, “At least President Bush doesn’t have sex with nubile young interns. I can live with a multi-billion dollar war from which we have no clear cut way of exiting and will put us in excruciating debt for years to come. But having sex is something I will not tolerate.”

Theodore M. Farnsworth IV of Crudopolis, Texas, said, “I’m the CEO of a major energy corporation. The President’s lies are keeping the attention off me and all the environmental damage I’m doing by fracking. Four more years!”

Byron G. Caldwell of Big Spud, Idaho, said, “I’m the CEO of a major logging corporation. The President’s lies are keeping the attention off me and all the regulations that are being relaxed so I can plunder America’s forests. Four more years!”

Mildred Dunwiddy of Backwater, South Carolina, said, “Oh, its just a little white lie. Besides, I think the biggest problem this nation is facing is that slut Janet Jackson and her malfunctioning wardrobe.”

Phil Smoots of Gator Crossing, Florida, said, “How can America be worrying about a quagmire in Iraq, when people of the same sex are getting married? I just don’t get this country.”

Jerry Scheissner of Fuddsworth, Missouri, said, “If things are going so bad in Iraq, how come we don’t see any pictures of coffins? How ’bout that, smart guy!”

Rev. Aloysius T. Terry of Piggettstown, Mississippi, said, “I’m an evangelical minister and I say President Bush is leading us one step closer to Armageddon and the Rapture. Halleluiah!”

They’ll Know We Are Christians By Our Discrimination And Intolerance

The nation’s outrage over Indiana’s recent law guaranteeing ‘religious freedom’ and condoning discrimination and intolerance is growing. Boycotts have been announced. Even corporations have announced that they’ll be changing their business relations with the state; which is very serious because this nation is a corporate oligarchy and business is the golden calf here. So you think with all the economic pressure coming to bear on Indiana, do you think conservative christian stalwart, Governor Mike Pence, is going to relent? Hah! No way! He stands firmly behind his decidedly non-christian behavior. Not only that, other leading candidates for the Republican nomination like Jeb Bush and Ted Cruz have announced support for Pence. Because you see, admitting that you’re wrong on anything is not something that conservative christian Republicans do. But as the christians have always stated throughout history(see Spanish Inquisition, Meso-America conquest, Native American conquest, Pacific Islander conquest, Galileo’s scientific discoveries, etc…), it’s not discrimination or intolerance when we do it; it’s God’s will. It reminds us of that old song we learned in church “They’ll Know We Are Christians By Our Love”, which has been conveniently updated in our photo-toon to reflect the state of modern christianity.

Capitalist Jesus, who is also very Republican, approves of Indiana Governor Mike Pence's new slogan "They'll know we are Christians by our discrimination and intolerance". — Capitalist Jesus, who is also very Republican, approves of Indiana Governor Mike Pence’s new slogan “They’ll know we are Christians by our discrimination and intolerance”.

NASA On Cruz Control

From the ‘You’ve got to be kidding me’ file…anti-science enthusiast and the smuggest human alive, Ted Cruz, has been named chair of the Subcommittee on Space, Science and Competitiveness. Gee, what better person to put in charge of Science than a religious, nut case, teabagger who is ‘skeptical of the scientific theory’ of global warming, this despite a consensus of 97% of climate scientists that climate change is happening. With a man like Cruz, who barely believes in gravity, you can kiss NASA goodbye, even though he claims he’ll increase funding for NASA. Maybe he’ll put creationist, Ken Ham, in charge of NASA. The hijinx would really start then! We think, NASA should invite Senator Cruz on board a test flight and ‘accidentally’ shoot him into space. That would be a win for Planet Earth.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz calls himself Mr. Science and names Creation Museum founder, Ken Ham, as head of NASA. — Teabagger darling and smuggest Senator alive, Ted Cruz, promises he'll remake NASA and science to his and his religious supporters' liking.

GOP Scaring Up Votes

The knob on the Republican Noise and Fear Machine has been cranked all the way up to 11 this summer and fall in their desperate attempt to scare Americans into voting for conservative Republican candidates this year and give the Republicans a majority in the Senate and the House. This is the standard GOP tactic and has been used successfully many times in the past to get the American sheeple for vote Republican. What can a rational, thinking person possibly do to combat these horrifying, terrifying, frightening, scare tactics, you may ask? We could start by remembering the words of FDR; “We have nothing to fear but fear itself”. There’s really only one solution to this conservative Republican fearmongering: just say NO… to Republicans!

Republican ghouls McConnell, Cruz, McCain, Krauthammer and Boehner are scaring up votes from the electorate this Halloween. — America’s favorite Republican ghouls have been out this Halloween season literally scaring up votes from the electorate.

The Holy Corporate Empire

Here’s a good article about how America has become a corporate theocracy. Of course, it didn’t happen overnight. Its been happening gradually over the last 60 years; kind of like turning up the heat gradually on a pan of boiling water so the frogs inside the pot don’t even realize they’re getting boiled. Sinclair Lewis famously said something similar to the statement, “When fascism comes to America, it will wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross.” Religions, especially christianity, are authoritarian by nature; the sheep follow the shepherd and do was he says; which is dangerous when the shepherd is a corporatist wolf, only interested in making profits off his duped sheep. Make no mistake; this holy corporatist state is the new fascism and the people implementing it are extremely authoritarian and will not tolerate any dissent.

Before World War II, you could tell a fascist because they usually wore a military uniform, service cap or helmet and jackboots. However, today’s fascist, thanks to wily marketing and propaganda tactics, is much more palatable to the average citizen. Today’s fascist wears a spiffy business suit with a flag lapel pin on one side and a cross on the other. And they’ve always got a sparkling, toothy smile(see Mitt Romney). If today’s holy corporate fascists have their way, if a business or corporation doesn’t like who you are or what you believe in, they will be able to deny you basic health services, employment or just plain service. That’s hokum, you say. But look at the decisions handed down by the religious, conservative activist dominated Supreme Court in the past 5 years. Corporations are ‘people’ who can give as much money as possible to political lackeys who will do their bidding and these corporations can impose their will on you in the name of religious freedom. Fascism has arrived in America in a nice, friendly, tidy combination of business, economics and religion that hates science, logic and reason. Goodbye United States of America; Hello The Holy Corporate Empire!

Fascism has a new uniform; Resistance is futile — Goodbye United States of America; Hello Holy Corporate Empire!

Kommandant Coulter

This will be our last post of our Ann Coulter retrospective because quite frankly we’re sick of her and we don’t want to waste any more of our precious energy on this pile of waste. Remember when the Living Skeleton said that ‘Jews can be perfected by finding Christ’. back in 2007? Here’s a photo-toon from our October 28, 2007 issue. Yes, the Nazis would have been proud of you Kommandant Coulter.

Neoconservative author and pundit, Ann Coulter, recently appeared on CNBC talk show, The Big Idea, and proudly proclaimed that Jews needed to be 'perfected' by becoming Christian. and possibly sent to special camps. — Neoconservative author and pundit, Ann Coulter, recently appeared on CNBC talk show, The Big Idea, and proudly proclaimed that Jews needed to be 'perfected' by becoming Christian.

Coultergeist

The specter of right wing conservative angel, Ann Coulter, reared it’s ugly head again recently. In an effort to be her usual charming self, Ms. Coulter attempted to mock the #BringBackOurGirls campaign on Twitter and Facebook that completely blew up in her face — hilariously.

We don’t make fun of neocon personalities like Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly or Ann Coulter very much anymore because frankly it’s just not worth it commenting on piles of dung that are shaped like human beings. But we’ll run a brief retrospective of Ms. Coulter with a couple of our favorite photo-toons from the early aughts. Here’s one from June 19th, 2006 where Annie aimed her rapier wit at those ruthless 9/11 widows.

Jesus commends Ann Coulter for attacking the 9/11 harpies because Ann Coulter is the real victim. — 'Compassionate' conservative author, Ann Coulter, gets a ringing endorsement on her new book, Godless: The Church of Liberalism, in which she comments on the 9/11 widows, "These broads are millionaires, lionized on TV and in articles about them, reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by grief-arazzis. I've never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much." .

DeLay Tactics

He’s baaaaaaacck…. That’s right everyone. Everybody’s favorite money launderer, Tom ‘The Hammer’ DeLay is back after his conviction was overturned (by a Texas judge of course). He is now on a ‘mission from God’ and aims to lead a ‘constitutional revival’ behind the scenes. Great! Another wacko Texan who ‘speaks to God’. Please Texas, secede from the USA. Please!!!!

Here’s a photo-toon from our April 10, 2006 issue when ‘The Hammer’ announced he wouldn’t seek re-election because of the money laundering charges.