Tag Archive for employee rights

Rewind: Lunch Break Lotto

December 26, 2021 bb_admin Articles:Corporate BS

We were scanning through our archives recently and we noticed this article about the foibles of working in corporate America from our January 11, 2006 issue. You see, workers have been getting screwed for some time now and, unfortunately, this article still works for today like it did in 2006. The beat goes on . . . and on . . . and on . . .

Juggermart Holds Exciting New Lottery For Lunch Breaks


In response to recent court cases complaining of its employees not being able to take lunch breaks, retail giant Juggermart, has announced a new lottery for employees to ‘win’ full half hour lunch breaks.

Lawrence T. Juggers, President and CEO of Juggermart, explained the new system. “This lottery will allow five employees per store the chance to have a full half hour lunch break for the day. A full half hour lunch break! This is great news for the employees who win. This means the lucky employee will not only be able to choke down their tuna fish sandwich, but he’ll also be able to wash it down with a refreshing beverage from one of our store soda vending machines, where every drinks sell for the low, low price of $1.00 for a 12 ounce can. The employees who don’t win will continue to get their regular ten minutes, not including rest room break. The employee will also be required to purchase their lottery ticket at the low, low price of two dollars per ticket. I mean who wouldn’t want a full half hour lunch break? With this fantastic program, geared for today’s worker, nobody can say that I’m not generous.”

Consumer advocate Clarence Simons said, “This is an outrage! Not only does Juggermart pay barely above minimum wage to it’s employees and forces them to work over forty hours a week without extra pay, they’re now stuffing this down the employee’s throat. Pretty soon the workers in this country will have no recourse whatsoever. I don’t know how Lawrence T. Juggers can sleep at night. If they didn’t have such low, low prices, I’d never shop there again.”

Employees had mixed reaction to the new ‘Lunch Lotto’ promotion. Sales clerk Dale McDougall at the Ft. Dinsdale, New Jersey store, said, “Well it would be nice to have a enough time to eat a sandwich. And to have a bathroom break so I don’t have to hold my pee all day long. And to have health care. And to see my wife and kids during waking hours. And to be able to pay my mortgage, even though I’m working seventy hours a week. But I’m just a lowly sales clerk. I’m sure Mr. Juggers knows what’s good for me better than I do.”

Cashier Fern Stack, of Juggermart’s Blythe, California store, said, “So let me get this straight. We have to pay two goddamn dollars for the lottery ticket and only five employees per store per day win a measly half hour lunch break while the rest of the employees continue to get ten friggin’minutes . . . as long as Juggermart keeps its low, low prices, I’m good!”

Store greeter Lou Farmer at the Winchester, Mississippi store, said “I’ve always wondered what it was like being a slave like my great-great-great grandfather. Now I know. Thanks Juggermart!”

Stock clerk Bessy Kuhlander at the Poedunk, Iowa store, said, “Oh, boy. I think it is a great idea. Mr. Juggers has certainly shown me why he is the boss. What a generous man. I sure hope I’m able to win the ‘Lunch Lotto’ one day and get a whole half hour to eat my lunch. I certainly hope Mr. Juggers remembers my kind words when he is filling the position of head stock clerk.”

No comments , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Those Poor, Poor Millionaires

February 24, 2012 bb_admin Articles:Corporate BS, Corporate States of America, Let Them Eat Cake

Continuing with our Corporate BS retrospective…This article is from our March 13th, 2005 issue, back when then President Bush signed the ‘Tort Reform’ bill. Never forget folks: corporations are the most important ‘people’ in America.

Bush’s Tort Reform Aids Poor, Defenseless Corporations

President Bush came to the rescue of poor American corporations recently when he signed into law the so called ‘Tort Reform’ bill which places limits on class action lawsuits placed against corporations.

“This is a momentous occasion for my corporate benefactors,” said Bush. “From now on, our poor, defenseless American corporations will never be fleeced by greedy, money-grubbing consumers who are out to screw our decent CEOs out of their hard earned millions.”

Sally Whitman, spokesperson of Drugzilla, one of America’s leading pharmaceutical companies, praised the legislation. “This bill is a godsend. I’m so sick of people complaining, ‘Oh, this medicine caused me to break out in a rash’, ‘This medicine made my child vomit’, ‘This medicine killed my husband’. Has anyone heard of the phrase, ‘Buyer Beware’? No one held a gun to your head to take the medicine. A doctor’s prescription doesn’t necessarily have to be followed, people.”

Dr. Ted Cargill said, “This is great for all us doctors who’ve ever had to worry about malpractice suits. Now when I mistakenly amputate a patient’s right leg instead of the left leg, I won’t have to suffer any consequences, like losing my license to practice medicine, my membership at the country club or my Porsche. God, I’d die if I lost my Porsche.”

Lawrence T. Juggers, President and CEO of Juggermart, said, “Now I don’t have to put up with employee complaints of working them over forty hours a week. They’ll work when I want them to work. When I say jump, they’ll say ‘How high, Mr. Juggers?’ I bet I can even get away with paying less than minimum wage now. That means maybe I can get vacation home number ten. I’m thinking a nice little hideaway in Aruba will do nicely.”

Consumer advocate, Clarence Simons, said, “This is disastrous for the average American. While it may be true there are a few tort lawyers who abuse the system, the majority of the cases brought before the state courts are legitimate. Now that the tort cases will be brought before federal courts, the likelihood of a case being dismissed will be greater. The consumer stands the chance of not having any retribution if they purchase a faulty product, have a conflict with an employer or are harmed by defective drugs. They will have no rights.”

Americans seemed ambivalent about the bill. Jenny Miller of Madison, Wisconsin, said, “I welcome corporate slavery. I don’t mind working an extra five, ten or twenty hours a week for my boss. I mean he doesn’t pay me more but there are benefits. He lets me take an extra donut every morning. I’d say that more than makes up for it.”

James S. Quinton, of Atlanta, Georgia, said, “Well I was going to sue Dr. Jamieson’s ass for giving me a sex change operation instead of a vasectomy. But I guess I can get used to wearing pantyhose and heels. I hope my wife doesn’t mind if I use hers.”

Ernest Jefferson, of Houston, Texas, who lost his life savings in the Enron scandal, said, “When I say the word, can you kick the chair I’m standing on out from underneath my legs. Thank you.”

No comments , , , , , , , , , , ,