Continuing with our Corporate BS retrospective…This article is from our March 13th, 2005 issue, back when then President Bush signed the ‘Tort Reform’ bill. Never forget folks: corporations are the most important ‘people’ in America.

Bush’s Tort Reform Aids Poor, Defenseless Corporations

President Bush came to the rescue of poor American corporations recently when he signed into law the so called ‘Tort Reform’ bill which places limits on class action lawsuits placed against corporations.

“This is a momentous occasion for my corporate benefactors,” said Bush. “From now on, our poor, defenseless American corporations will never be fleeced by greedy, money-grubbing consumers who are out to screw our decent CEOs out of their hard earned millions.”

Sally Whitman, spokesperson of Drugzilla, one of America’s leading pharmaceutical companies, praised the legislation. “This bill is a godsend. I’m so sick of people complaining, ‘Oh, this medicine caused me to break out in a rash’, ‘This medicine made my child vomit’, ‘This medicine killed my husband’. Has anyone heard of the phrase, ‘Buyer Beware’? No one held a gun to your head to take the medicine. A doctor’s prescription doesn’t necessarily have to be followed, people.”

Dr. Ted Cargill said, “This is great for all us doctors who’ve ever had to worry about malpractice suits. Now when I mistakenly amputate a patient’s right leg instead of the left leg, I won’t have to suffer any consequences, like losing my license to practice medicine, my membership at the country club or my Porsche. God, I’d die if I lost my Porsche.”

Lawrence T. Juggers, President and CEO of Juggermart, said, “Now I don’t have to put up with employee complaints of working them over forty hours a week. They’ll work when I want them to work. When I say jump, they’ll say ‘How high, Mr. Juggers?’ I bet I can even get away with paying less than minimum wage now. That means maybe I can get vacation home number ten. I’m thinking a nice little hideaway in Aruba will do nicely.”

Consumer advocate, Clarence Simons, said, “This is disastrous for the average American. While it may be true there are a few tort lawyers who abuse the system, the majority of the cases brought before the state courts are legitimate. Now that the tort cases will be brought before federal courts, the likelihood of a case being dismissed will be greater. The consumer stands the chance of not having any retribution if they purchase a faulty product, have a conflict with an employer or are harmed by defective drugs. They will have no rights.”

Americans seemed ambivalent about the bill. Jenny Miller of Madison, Wisconsin, said, “I welcome corporate slavery. I don’t mind working an extra five, ten or twenty hours a week for my boss. I mean he doesn’t pay me more but there are benefits. He lets me take an extra donut every morning. I’d say that more than makes up for it.”

James S. Quinton, of Atlanta, Georgia, said, “Well I was going to sue Dr. Jamieson’s ass for giving me a sex change operation instead of a vasectomy. But I guess I can get used to wearing pantyhose and heels. I hope my wife doesn’t mind if I use hers.”

Ernest Jefferson, of Houston, Texas, who lost his life savings in the Enron scandal, said, “When I say the word, can you kick the chair I’m standing on out from underneath my legs. Thank you.”