Tag Archive for sports

D.C. Cherry Blossoms

Amazingly, it’s almost football season and most American men are looking to the soothing distraction of sports to take their mind off of how awful 2020 is. Seriously, 2020 sucks!!! It’s no surprise that the topic of the Washington Redskins offensive nickname has came up again and FedEx, the owner of the stadium the team plays in, has been insistent with Redskins ownership to change the name of the team to something less racist and obnoxious. The controversy has existed for many years and yet the owner of the team, Dan Snyder, refuses to change things, saying the name is part of the team’s heritage stating, “We’ll never change the name. It’s that simple. NEVER—you can use caps.” Talk about being stubborn as a mule!

Since we’re talking about the gawdawful stupidity of collegiate and professional sports, it’s time for another edition of Helmet Hilarity. We think the funniest thing about football and collegiate sports are some of the school and team mascots. For instance, the Banana Slugs of the University of California at Santa Cruz or the Artichokes of Scottsdale Community College evoke a hilarious image, especially if you saw a big banana slug or an artichoke depicted on a football player’s helmet. So, in this vein we present our feature, Helmet Hilarity, featuring the helmets of obscure collegiate teams (or future football teams) and their unconventional, zany mascots.

Today we present a possible new contender for the Redskins. We did a BilgeBucket List several years ago about the re-branding theme; the top new names for the Washington Redskins. While the most logical new moniker would be Warriors, (you could keep the current color scheme and even the classic spear helmet), we’d like to see one of the names we suggested from our Bucket List get chosen. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if the team name was changed to the D.C. Cherry Blossoms. We can just picture the pink helmet with a big cluster of cherry blossoms depicted on it, with pink, creme and cherry red uniforms. What manly man, testosterone crazed football fan in D.C. wouldn’t love it, amirite? Just imagine the excitement of the brand new Thanksgiving Day rivalry between the Cowboys and the Cherry Blossoms. Getting goosebumps yet? Or how about the ‘fierce mascot’ match-up between the Cardinals and the Cherry Blossoms? You could bring a picnic lunch and take a nap. ‘Cuz you know . . . there’s nothing more important in life for Americans than football and just like Family Guy needed Conway Twitty, Trump and the Republicans desperately need the distraction of professional and collegiate sports to obfuscate their gross incompetence and malfeasance to voters even if it means that the athletes could catch the coronavirus, which many baseball players have done already. But then again, sacrificing one’s health for the good of the economy is what living in Trumpland is all about. So, GO CHERRY BLOSSOMS!!!

The football helmet and jerseys of the renamed Redskins, now called the D.C. Cherry Blossoms, complete with pink, creme and cherry red color scheme which will surely please all the macho manly man football fans in the Washington D.C. area.
The football helmet and jerseys of the renamed Redskins, now called the D.C. Cherry Blossoms, complete with pink, creme and cherry red color scheme which will surely please all the macho manly man football fans in the Washington D.C. area.

Take A Knee America

We’re back from our longer than expected respite from TFS(Trump Fatigue Syndrome)…for how long, we don’t know. Under normal circumstances, with a normal President, not that much would have happened in a month. But America’s CEO/Dictator Donald Trump does more stupid things in a month than most people do in a lifetime. Add to that the incompetence, cowardice, corruption and greed of the Republicans in congress, the invisibility of the Democrats, and the normalization of the right wing by the corporate media and we just don’t have much hope left for this country. We just may fold up our tent and move to a remote island somewhere in the South Pacific, far away from the selfish, egotistical, greedy, ultra-materialistic, ultra-competitive assholes who now seem to proliferate and run this country.

We’ve got some posts readied for the hurricane responses, but first we’ll take a look at the ‘feud’ between Trump and the NFL over players taking a knee during the national anthem, which culminated with Vice President and modern day Puritan Mike Pence leaving the stadium during the Colts-49ers game because some of San Francisco’s players kneeled during the national anthem in protest of racial discrimination in America. Trump admitted that this was a planned stunt. Not only that, but the cheap political stunt was at the taxpayers’ expense. We don’t care much for the NFL or any professional sports for that matter. Both the owners and players make WAY too much money and have WAY too much influence on modern culture. But that being said, players have the right to kneel in protest because…THIS IS AMERICA. We have a thing here which separates us from other countries called freedom of speech. The players were kneeling as a way to draw awareness to racial discrimination which still plagues this country. Their protest in no way was to disrespect the flag or those who fought for it. But the poor ‘widdle’ rich guys in the NFL executive front offices and the poor ‘widdle’ rich guys in the Republican party see it as an affront to their authority, which in their puny, narrow minded, conservative mind set is absolute. I mean how dare any one with less money criticize the actions of the people in charge. Of course, they had quite a different opinion during the Obama era.

Well if Trump and Pence are so sensitive to people taking a knee, we wonder what would happen if all of America took a knee during the national anthem. Would they leave the country? Hey, it’s worth a try, folks. We have no doubt, Trump and Pence could crash with their pal Vlad in Russia.

Maybe if all Americans took a knee during the national anthem, easily offended American CEO/Dictator Donald Trump and his Puritan Vice President Mike Pence would leave the country and stay with their old buddy Vlad Putin in Russia.

Maybe if all Americans took a knee during the national anthem, easily offended American CEO/Dictator Donald Trump and his Puritan Vice President Mike Pence would leave the country and stay with their old buddy Vlad Putin in Russia.

Top New Names For The Washington Redskins

Native Americans have long taken offense with many professional sports teams with team names that reference their culture, sometimes in a derogatory manner. The biggest offenders who are usually mentioned are the Cleveland Indians(Chief Wahoo), Atlanta Braves(Chief Knock-a-homa) and the Washington Redskins. We think that the worst offender in this group is definitely the Redskins. The term Redskin is an offensive slur even to people of non-Native-American persuasion. Imagine calling a professional sports team in San Diego the Spics or a team from New York the Kikes or a team from Milwaukee the Honkies. It’s just not a good idea!  In basketball, the Washington Bullets changed their name to the Washington Wizards because they wanted to distance themselves from a reference to violence. Would it be so horrible for Washington to change the team name to something like the Warriors or some other name which appropriately reflects the city’s stature as the nation’s capital and political and military center? Well, the Bucket is here to help. Here’s a list of possible new team names for the Washington Redskins.

  • Washington Blowhards
  • Washington Kickbacks
  • Washington Intern Bangers
  • Washington SuperPACs
  • D.C. Cherry Blossoms (complete with pink, lavender and red uniforms)
  • D.C. Cabs
  • Washington Gasbags
  • Washington Lobbyists
  • Washington Generals (oops! Already taken!)
  • Washington Rear Admirals
  • Washington Snollygosters
  • Capital Critters
  • Capital Offenses
  • Washington Influence Peddlers
  • Washington Supremes
  • Washington Crooks


Corporate Sports – A Marriage Made in Hell

One more post with our Sports BS retrospective and the beginning of our Corporate BS retrospective. Well whaddya know…here’s an article from our September 17, 2006 issue that combines BS from the sports world and BS from the corporate world in one convenient article. Who wouldn’t want to work at this company?

Innovative Boss Makes Computer Programming Spectator Sport

G. Terrance Wallace, the Vice President of Technology at software company Conglomeris, located in the Cactus Corners Ocotillo Office Park, recently instituted a novel new program geared at increasing productivity and visibility for his employees as they toil away on a daily basis in their cubicles. Taking a cue from the sports world, the innovative boss has made the cubicles into an arena and has invited people in to watch and cheer on his software engineers as they code and debug programs.

“This is a revolutionary move,” commented Wallace. “Time after time, my programmers complain that they’re working harder than any of those professional athletes and they’re smarter than those athletes but yet they earn decidedly less. Well, I can’t give my programmers a million dollars. That would be ridiculous!” Wallace then chuckled for several minutes and continued. “Seriously, I can’t. But what I can do is increase the appreciation level for their work. Therefore, I’ve built a spectator arena where fans can come and watch these guys work their magic. I’ve built a concession stand where we sell hot dogs and sodas for fans. I’ve given the programmers numbered jerseys, with the Conglomeris logo of course. I’ve managed to coerce Vera and Ruth from Accounting to be cheerleaders. I’ve even printed trading cards with the programmer’s pictures and programming stats on them. We’ve come up with stats like lines written per hour and bug fix quotient; it’s a stat junkie’s wet dream. We’re also in the works for bobbleheads. I predict that this will be the new trend of the future in high tech industry.”

Senior Software Engineer Larry Deaver said, “This is like a dream come true for me. I was never very athletic in school. I was on the chess team, but no one ever came to our matches. But I could code…code like the wind. Now, I’ve got cheerleaders rooting me on with chants like ‘Debug debug go go!’ Nothing motivates you faster than those foxy accounting babes egging you on. I fixed ten Class B bugs and five Class A bugs today. I was as they say ‘en fuego’.” Deaver then pumped his fist and accidentally hit it against his desk. “Ooowwwwieeeeee! Ooowwwwieeeeee! I hurt my mouse hand! Injury time-out! Send in the medic!”

Cheerleader Ruth Rubinowitz said, “Oh this reminds me when I was a wrestling cheerleader in high school; I’m used to cheering at empty arenas. Hey, the boss is giving me an extra dollar an hour to do this gig so I don’t mind. That one programmer with the coke bottle glasses, Dan Schlueter, is kinda cute. Sure he leads the department in introduced software bugs, but he’s due for some bug fixes. C-O-D-E Coooooooode! Yeah!”

Not all the programmers were enthusiastic about the new program. Scott Majewski said, “This is so frigging lame! Look at the cheerleaders. Ruth and Vera both got to be in their late forties.  I’m sorry, baggy sweats just aren’t sexy or motivating. The stands are empty. The hot dogs are staler than the ones at Kwik-n-Easy. The only reason Wallace is doing this is to get on the cover of TechNews. Terry’s a complete egomaniac. Not only that, he’s a bonehead. He wouldn’t know good code if it bit him on the ass. He doesn’t care about good programming practices, he just wants software ready for demos so he looks good to headquarters and to do that, he’s got to push us like sled dogs with gimmicky tricks like this heap of dog dung.”

Database programmer Rick Oswald echoed Majewski’s sentiments. “Screw the trading cards. Pay me what they pay professional athletes and I’ll work my ass off. Hell pay me what they pay minor league athletes and I’ll work my ass off.”

Since the arena was opened one month ago, only two people have showed up to watch the programmers; one was a man who was waiting for a bus and had an hour to kill, the other was a homeless man who wandered in for a hot dog, but soon after eating it, became sick and left.

But Wallace is determined his vision will ultimately succeed. “Oh this will work,” said Wallace confidently. “If the programmers don’t want their jobs to go to India next year, they’ll produce and I’ll be named Executive of the Year by TechNews.” He then laughed maniacally and rubbed his hands together.

Would Ya Just Hit Home Runs Already!

Continuing with our Sports BS…Now that the Super Bowl is over (congrats Giants fans) it’s just a few more weeks until baseball starts spring training. What better time to present an article from our August 16, 2007 issue concerning the national pastime. Over the past several years, the only thing that seems to matter anymore in baseball is if you can hit home runs. Forget strategy like getting on base, stealing second, maybe doing a hit and run. Forget hitting gappers to get maybe a double or triple: fundamental baseball is boring baseball. What matters is hitting a moon shot off the facade in deep center field. That will keep the fan’s attention… for a second or two.

Baseball Changes Rules; Only Home Runs To Count

With Barry Bonds breaking Hammerin’ Hank Aaron’s home run record, the popularity of the home run hitting contest in the All-Star Game and the overall emphasis on hitting dingers in today’s games, Major League Baseball has announced that starting next season, a new set of rules will be enforced essentially making the game nothing but a home run contest.

MLB spokesman, Biff Baker, said in a press conference last week, “Basically, we’ve been contemplating this move for the last five or six years. The young players today aren’t interested in getting singles, doubles or triples. And let’s not even mention walks. Boring! No, today’s players want the most money with the minimum effort. Running bases and playing defense is for suckers. The event that seems to get everyone jazzed is the big knock, the dinger, the tater, the big enchilada, the home run. The players like to hit them and the fans like seeing them. So why not cut out all that other crap and make the game a home run hitting contest. We eliminate the pitcher and just place a washed up old hurler out there to throw gopher balls. Then the team that hits the most home runs in 27 at bats wins the game. No running. No diving. No athleticism, period. Of course, this means that players can now play well into old age and we may even get some elite softball players in. This also means that we’ll expand our teams to every major city over 50, 000 people in the nation. Purists are going to be plenty pissed about this move, but Americans must understand: Baseball is no longer a sport; it’s a business. Therefore, we’ve got a bottom line to protect and that bottom line is profit for guys like me.”

Barry Bonds reveled in the new rules. “This is so great. Now I can play until I’m 90. I can make sure no one will ever break my home run record. But just for insurance, I’ll give old Greg Anderson a call for some ‘magic’ cream.”

However, Hank Aaron announced that he will be coming out of retirement to regain his home run record. “I’ve got news for that pumped up freak Bonds. The Hammer will be coming down on you, big time. I may be 73 years old but I know how to compete with the likes of you. That’s right. I’m giving Greg Anderson a call for some ‘magic’ cream.”

Light hitting shortstop Danny Rivera, said, “Oh man. I’m screwed. I’ve never hit a major league homer in my life. I’ve made a living on my fielding and my speed. Looks like I’ll be giving Greg Anderson a call for some ‘magic’ cream.”

Old timer, Spanky McDougal, who played left field for the Washington Senators back in the 30s, said, “This is a crying shame. They’re ruining the grand game of baseball. Why back in my day, we smoked and drank and cursed and swore and chased women, got a couple of hours of sleep, played a double header, went out on the town and smoked and drank and cursed and swore and chased woman…wait a second. What were we talking about?”

Fans had mixed reactions to the announcement. Jim Costello, of Seattle, Washington said, “This is a great move! I love the home run. It’s over in a second, is awe-inspiring and leaves a powerful impact on those who see it…Just like the ol’ Jim meister in the sack. Am I right ladies?”

Curtis Jamieson, of Yuma, Arizona said, “I think it’s great because Yuma will have a major league team now and since I’m one of the leading softball players in town, I’m gonna get a chance to play in the major leagues. So you see, eating donuts and drinking beer is good for you. In your face, health food fanatics.”

Indian transplant Raja Nandakumar, of Charlotte, North Carolina said, “Please. Baseball is so boring. For me the most exciting game in the world is cricket. When Charlotte gets a cricket team, give me a call.”


Imagine No Announcers

More Sports BS… Remember several years ago, when one of the major networks broadcasted a football game without any announcers. What a fantastic idea! Really, is there anything more annoying than these so called ‘experts’ and ‘pundits’ offering their colorful take on every situation during the game? The list of tolerable sports announcers has dwindled so much over the years that we’d rather have no announcers. If only Vin Scully could broadcast every game.

Local Sportscasting Legend Retires; Known For ‘Colorful’ Metaphors

Local Sportscasting legend Jack Brock, a fixture at Cactus Corners television station KQCK the past thirty years, has announced his retirement. Brock has been doing the ten o’clock sports, the Sunday Night Sports show Jock-a-holics and the color commentary for KQCK radio coverage of spring training games for almost thirty years. However, rumor has it that management has pressured Brock to retire due to the declining quality of his remarks especially his metaphors, which often bordered on tasteless.

Station manager Darrin Sprague said, “Jack Brock has served the community well these past thirty years. But his commentary has become, how shall I say, a little too colorful.  We feel this move is best for everybody, especially our legal department.”

KQCK play by play announcer Tony Loman defended Brock. “The man is a legend! He played Major League Baseball for Pete’s sake. So he played five games and struck out all ten times he batted; he still made it to the big show. You got to give him props for that. I think that gives him the right to reel off all those folksy witticisms that seem to annoy everyone else on the planet. He’s like a poor man’s Yogi Berra; a very, very, very poor man’s Yogi Berra.”

“Come on,” said statistician Mark Clark. “The guy’s a fossil! Everybody says ‘Oh, he’s a legend. Everything he says is a pearl.’ The guy’s just a perverted old codger who hates everything and everybody. Why this spring I dug up some fantastic stats on Barry Bonds’ extra base hits while on steroids and handed it to him so he could relay the information to all our loyal fans. How did he thank me? He takes a look at it and calls me gay because I spend all my time looking up stats. Then he tosses it out of the broadcasting booth and into the stands. So what if I’m a single, thirty five year old who still lives with his parents and I dream about earned run average, on base percentage and slugging percentage instead of women; is that so abnormal? Wait… don’t answer that.”

Several fans took time to remember their favorite Brock quotes from over the years. John Flanders said, “My favorite Brockism is the time he was talking about Livan Hernandez, who was a pitcher for the Giants at the time. He said he’s got more pitches than a horny sailor picking up a hooker on shore leave. What a great visual!”

Ken Gray said, “I liked it when he was talking about all the foul tips hit off Mike Piazza’s mask over the years. He said he’s had more balls in his face than Paris Hilton. Pure class all the way!”

Tom Willard said, “I think my favorite Brock moment was back when big ol’ Ted ‘Bull’ Linderman was doing play by play back in the ‘80s. Well, this light hitting shortstop named Tony Ferrara hit a home run over the left field fence and was zipping around the bases full speed. He was back at home plate before you knew it and Jack commented that Ferrara rounded the bases quicker than ol’ Bull does with his wife in the bedroom. Well, all you heard on the radio was lots of cursing, a big crash and plenty of static. Turns out ol’ Bull punched Brock’s lights out, knocked out a press box window, and hung Brock out by his belt loops on a rusty nail outside the press box right over the stands. Brock hung there all night screaming for help until finally a janitor felt sorry for him and got him down the next morning. Man, did he have a wedgie! Ol’ Bull quit after that game and joined the ice capades. And Brock…well he became a broadcasting legend.”

When asked on what he was going to do after retirement, Brock exclaimed, “What am I going to do? Goddammit, that’s a stupid question! I got one word for ya! Hookers! Lots of ‘em! I’m going down to Tijuana and do some color commentary in the ol’ boudoir, if you get my drift. So long suckers!”

Rewind: Top Excuses For 2006 Arizona Cardinals

Back to our Sports BS… and picking on the pre-Ken Whisenhunt Arizona Cardinals. Here’s a BilgeBucket List from our November 13, 2006 issue.

Well it’s November so that means the football Cardinals are battling it out for the cellar of their division. Since the Cardinals moved to the Valley of the Sun in 1988, they’ve had one winning season in 1998 with a record of 9-7. They did win a first round playoff game against the Cowboys that year, but come on; this team bites it! Year in and year out, this teams finds a way to lose! Playing in a brand new stadium, the Cardinals are 1-8 and are the worst team in the NFL. What’s the one constant lo these many years: dweebish owner Bill Bidwell. So we say to Mr. Bidwell, do the football fans of Arizona a favor and just sell this team already! Now that our soapbox moment has passed, we present the top excuses for this year’s Cardinals team.

  • Our new multi-million dollar stadium is nice but we need a newer one if we’re going to have a winning record
  • The opponents make funny faces and we start laughing
  • We can’t seem to play well if people are watching us
  • We are grossly underpaid
  • Matt Leinart is distracted by all the commercial scripts he’s got to memorize
  • We can’t run because our cheerleaders keep giving us boners
  • Coach Green scares us
  • It’s too damn hot here!
  • We keep thinking about those BBQ Ribs at Mr. B’s Bowtie Barbecue
  • We’re still recovering from quarterback Jim Hart’s retirement in the early ‘80s
  • We need a mascot a little more intimidating than an 8 inch, seed eating, red bird; we’re friggin’ football players damn it!
  • We’re blinded by Bill Bidwell’s incandescent charisma


God Prefers Patriots To Broncos; Athletes Love Bird Watching

Tim Tebow mania has gripped the sports world. All any sports pundit can talk about these days is how this young, fiery, evangelical christian is taking the football world by storm and leading the Denver Broncos on a football crusade to the promised land of Super Bowl XLVI. There was even a poll on CNN the other day asking people if they thought that Tim Tebow’s meteoric rise is due to God. Apparently, God must prefer Tom Brady and the Patriots to Mr. Tebow because the Broncos got trounced 41-23 today.

We here at the Bucket think the buzz about Tebow is pretty ridiculous anyway. We’re atheists, except for Lamebeard the Pirate, who as a Pastafarian, praises the noodly appendages of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  We feel that if God did exist, he probably wouldn’t care that much about who won a mostly violent, sporting event on a small rocky planet in one of millions of galaxies that exist in the universe. We would think an all-powerful God would have much more fun manipulating nuclear fusion to create a star, starting the celestial mechanics of a fledgling solar system or keeping black holes in line from consuming too much matter and energy. But more and more athletes these days point to the skies after they score a touchdown, make a bucket or hit a home run. We would think that these athletes should always be grateful to their God, not just on good plays. So baseball players shouldn’t just point to the sky after a home run, but also after striking out with the bases loaded, popping out in foul territory or grounding out into an inning ending double play. After all, a good baseball hitter fails seventy percent of the time. Also, if God is supposedly all around us, why point just to the sky? Why not point to a blade of grass, the dirt or a wall. Instead, on sports web sites, we get ‘action’ photos of athletes pointing to the sky instead of smacking a baseball or slam dunking a basketball or hauling in a football with an over the shoulder grab. Hmmm…Methinks there might some christians in professional athletics.

Here’s a photo-toon from our June 26, 2007 edition which offers another possible explanation for athletes pointing to the sky.

Baseball players have been pointing to the sky frequently in recent years showing off their obvious love of bird watching.