Satire that shovels it to the public – just like the real media!
There’s a reason that Jeb Bush is now the least popular Republican presidential candidate in the farce that is Con-a-thon 2016. It’s because he’s absolutely so out of touch that he thinks that getting his brother, ex-President, George W. Bush will actually help his campaign, saying that Dubya is ‘very popular’. Yes, in Jeb’s little world they’re replacing all the sculptures on Mt. Rushmore with replicas of Dubya and renaming it Mount Bushmore.
Continuing with our mockery of Y’all Queda…
Poor Al Bundy! The much maligned patriarch of the dysfunctional Bundy family from the classic sitcom Married…with Children, can’t even retain his fame as the stupidest Bundy in America thanks to Y’all Queda leader, Ammon Bundy. Come to think of it, Ammon’s Dad, Cliven dethroned Al last year. Oh well. At least Al’s still the funniest Bundy.
What a way to kick off 2016! Some outraged, armed ‘patriots’ a.k.a. domestic terrorists have taken over the Malheur Wildlife Refuge in Oregon. According to the leader of this band of idiots (hilariously nicknamed by many Y’all Queda) , who is none other than Ammon Bundy, son of Cliven Bundy, who told us about ‘the Negro’ last year, these morons are taking over this land because it’s the people’s land, and by people they mean kin folk and other local ranchers and hunters who want free grazing and free hunting. Of course, he’s ignoring that the land was declared a refuge by none other than Theodore Roosevelt back in 1908 as a way to protect birds and wildlife from hunters who shot anything that moved. There’s a reason the federal government regulates things, especially in a designated wilderness area; because the ranchers and hunters leave things looking like shit. And another tidbit that is way too funny; these brainwaves appealed to the masses to send them snacks because apparently they forgot to plan ahead, despite saying they were going to stay ‘for years’. We’re hoping that the wildlife (or birdwatchers) rise up and give these idiots their much needed comeuppance.
And then there were…still way too many.
As our last post of 2015, we’re giving an update of the travesty of democracy that is Con-a-thon 2016 (only 10 and a half more months of this shit).
Lindsey Graham and George Pataki are the latest ejections from the Republican clown car. South Carolina Republican Senator Graham suspended his campaign before Christmas and former New York governor Pataki ended his yesterday. Both were polling in the microscopic region. Of course, with blowhard Donald Trump bloviating hot air and hatred 24/7, it’s not hard to figure out why nobody noticed them. We here at the Bucket would like to say we’ll miss these two, but we can’t…we just can’t. (Sweet Jesus, have we mentioned we still have 10 and a half more months of this shit!)
The college football bowl season is in full swing here in America. Yes, it seems like every poedunk town or city has a poedunk bowl game sponsored by a poedunk company. Do we really need the TaxSlayer Bowl in Jacksonville Florida or the Foster Farms Bowl in Santa Clara California? Really? What’s more, losing teams are going to bowl games now. Congratulations on your awful 5-7 season; you still get to go to a bowl game! Talk about promoting mediocrity. Oh that’s right…we forgot. College football is a business now, not a sport. It’s all about the money. Gee, do we sound jaded?
Since we’re talking about the gawdawful stupidity of collegiate and professional sports, it’s time for another edition of Helmet Hilarity. We think the funniest thing about football and collegiate sports are some of the school mascots. For instance, the Banana Slugs of the University of California at Santa Cruz or the Artichokes of Scottsdale Community College evoke a hilarious image, especially if you saw a big banana slug or an artichoke depicted on a football player’s helmet. So in this vein we present our feature, Helmet Hilarity, featuring the helmets of obscure collegiate teams and their unconventional, zany mascots.
Today, we present the helmet of the Elmo Hopkins Medical School Fightin’ Ebolas. Everyone’s heard of Johns Hopkins University. Well, Elmo Hopkins was Johns’ less successful third cousin twice removed, who was a ‘doctor’ in the eastern Kentucky hills and founded a ‘medical school’ back in the early 1900s to promote his ‘health elixirs’. Back in 2000, the administrators decided to update their name and mascot to something scarier, more modern and more to do with medicine (or as they put it, ‘mediciniy sounding’). It had been the Elmo Hopkins Moonshiners with their mascot XXX, a big ceramic jug of ‘health elixir’. The powers that be decided against making a fearsome, deadly animal like a bear, lion or tiger their mascot. They also decided against intimidating, murderous humans like warriors, giants or raiders. They even said no to natural, lethal forces like hurricanes, cyclones and tornadoes. Instead they chose the smallest, deadliest creature around; the ebola virus. When you think about it, it’s a wonder why more colleges don’t feature more viruses, bacteria and germs on their helmet. The ebola virus is a good example. It’s so frightening, the Republicans used the threat of it coming to America to win the House and Senate in 2014. We know, we wouldn’t want to be facing a fightin’ ebola across the line of scrimmage.
What would the holiday season be without a nod to America’s own, self-appointed ‘culture warrior’ and General in the ‘War on Christmas’, Bill O’Reilly. Yes, let’s look back of one of Bloviator Bill’s finest moments, from our July 7, 2006 issue.
Back in June 2006, the Loofah Master commented that Iraq should be run like it was under Saddam Hussein, because at that time, for those with no memory cells, the Iraq War was a clusterf*ck and going badly, because…well…George W. Bush and Dick Cheney lied to America and we invaded a country we never should have invaded in the first place.
From the unfrickingbelievable file…
In the wake of the recent Republican debate for the joke that is Con-a-thon 2016, where frontrunners Ted Cruz and Donald Trump announced proudly that they would carpet bomb ISIS in Syria, a poll conducted by the Public Policy Polling (PPP) found that 30% of Republicans and 41% of Donald Trump supporters were in favor of the United States magic carpet bombing the city of Agrabah. The only problem is that the city of Agrabah is the fictional city in Disney’s film Aladdin. But as evident in the last twenty years, facts and reality don’t matter to today’s right wing, teabagging, conservative, christian Republican. Their motto; if it sounds muslimy, bomb it!
At the risk of flouting Godwin’s Law, we’ve noticed how far to the right the Republican party has traveled over the past twenty years; specifically in the years after Dubya left office and with the rise of the Teabaggers. Now that Donald Trump has started to spew forth truly hateful rhetoric in this farce of an election called Con-a-thon 2016, comparisons to the NSDAP party(Nazis) of 1930’s Germany are not only inevitable, but necessary. Make no mistake, it’s not just Trump who believes this filth. Every Republican candidate believes it as well, especially Rubio and Cruz, who both have said some vile, nasty unchristian things toward immigrants, foreigners, gays, women, and non-christians. Although every single high ranking Republican condemned Trump for his words, they would absolutely vote for him and support him in the general election. Yep, Trump is the heart and soul of the current Republican party and it’s pretty ugly.
What grinds our gears though, is when right wing blowhards violate Godwin’s by bloviating and showing their ignorance by comparing Obama to Hitler. This is not only laughable but blatantly incorrect. History shows that the leaders of the NSDAP party were overwhelmingly right wing conservatives not leftists (For an excellent, informative read try Richard Evans’ Third Reich trilogy: The Coming of the Third Reich; The Third Reich in Power; and The Third Reich at War). They had a well oiled propaganda machine that spewed forth hateful rhetoric about minorities and foreigners who would serve as convenient scapegoats for all national maladies. They were against gays, democratic socialists (they would have killed Obama), immigrants, and unions. Women were second class citizens who would only be useful to provide further citizens for the nation. They promoted eternal warfare and invoked nationalism to incite citizens to join the military. They pushed for a strong military and were very friendly to corporations which fueled the military industrial complex. They would regularly stoke fear in the hearts of the citizenry by claiming the aforementioned scapegoats were going to ruin their nation. They would regularly stifle opposing viewpoints by announcing that anyone who disagreed were enemies of the state and should be eliminated. Hmmmm…notice any similarities? We think Americans must take notice, (Godwin’s Law be damned) and be very concerned about this 21st century neocon Republican party that, according to its propaganda, wants to ‘make America great again’ just as a certain right wing conservative fascist party wanted to make Germany great again in the 1930s.
Amazingly, Donald Trump is still dominating the Republican field in the charade that is Con-a-thon 2016. This, despite some rather recent fascist-like statements, like his wanting to keep all Muslims out of the United States. But this is all going according to plan for the Republicans, who are master con artists, propagandists and media manipulators. The sacrificial lamb Donald Trump, is making the extremists within the party, Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio, look sane by comparison, thereby setting them up to obtain the nomination next summer as the less dangerous choice. Ahhhh….Joseph Goebbels would be proud.
Speaking of which….just in time for the holiday season, The Donald has come out with a delightful new book, (reminiscent of another book by some 20th century German fascist), explaining his fascist tendencies and his authoritarian vision for the future of the Holy Corporate Empire with its dictator…er…president, Donald Trump (or shall we say Trumpf). It even has a picture of Herr Trumpf dressed in the fascist uniform of the 21st century; the designer business suit. Like the cover says…READ IT! NOW!!!!!
Another day, another shooting…aaaah, life in 21st century America. This time, instead of radical christian terrorists, it was radical islamic terrorists…but still radical religious terrorists. This husband and wife team killed 14 people and injured 21 with assault weapons, which according to every gun enthusiast, is vital to living a happy life in this country. Again the response by Republicans has been pathetic. GOP presidential candidate, Marco Rubio, proclaimed that gun control legislation won’t help and many Republicans, including the smuggest Senator alive and GOP candidate, Ted Cruz, said they’re sending their prayers to the victims. In fact, President Obama caused quite a ruckus when he rightfully said “God isn’t fixing this” and correctly pushed for gun control legislation. The Republican Propaganda Network, a.k.a. Fox News, jumped in and offered the insipid response that if you’re not praying you’re for the terrorists.(That’s sounds a lot like Dubya’s old catchphrase). And of course, the NRA High Priest, Wayne LaPierre, made a video designed to make everyone want to go out, buy a gun and join in the melee, in the name of national security. At least The New York Daily News came out with a full page headline blasting Republicans on their inaction. Maybe this will light a match under the Republicans to grow a pair and stand up to the special interest groups like the NRA and the gun industry, who control them like they’re puppets. Will it work? Let’s just put it this way; we wonder where the next shooting is going to be.
