religion – Page 10 – BilgeBucket Gazette

Let The Children Suffer

Hold onto your hats everyone. Conservative christian Republicans are upset at President Obama! Shocking right? Unaccompanied immigrant children have been crossing the border in record numbers this year and who’s fault is it according to the right wing christians? Obama’s of course, even though the surge is related to law to curb child trafficking passed in 2008 and signed into law by….George W. Bush. What should we do with all these children? Conservative christians have been screaming loudly about the only obvious solution…send the little varmints back. What a great christian attitude! That’s certainly what Jesus would have done…or at least Capitalist Jesus would have done it. Just let holier than thou Bill O’Reilly explain it to you. The new updated Jesus message on little urchins now reads ‘Let the Children Suffer’.

Capitalist Jesus says that the immigrant children should go back to Mexico or rot. — Capitalist Jesus, who is also very Republican, updates his message on little urchins to now say 'Let the children suffer'.

Rewind: Bush Administration Logo

It’s shocking to us here at the Bucket how horrible people’s memories are. A recent poll of 1400 people revealed that more people think President Obama is a worse President than George W. Bush. Were these people unconscious during Bush’s eight years in office? The Bush administration routinely practiced crony capitalism with favored corporations and the Bush tax cuts to the 1% made most Americans poorer and brought America to the brink of disaster. Not to mention the trillions of dollars spent on clusterf*ck quagmire wars of Afghanistan and Iraq. There were also 13 attacks on U.S. embassies causing 98 deaths during the Bush years in addition to the 9/11 attacks which caused 3,000 deaths. Then he used the 9/11 attacks for political purposes over the next three years to keep the sheeple scared. Oh and then there was the stacking of the Supreme Court with conservative ideologists and activists who have not only opened the door wide for unrestrained corporatism but have given corporations control over females reproductive rights and apparently freedom to push their religion down employees throat. And of course the Bushies denied any wrongdoing while only giving access to Fox News, a.k.a the Republican Propaganda Network. Alternet has a list of some of Bush’s more spectacular failures. Fortunately, most historians’ memories haven’t faded and they continue to rank Bush as one of the worst presidents. Here’s a photo-toon from our February 18, 2007 issue which shows the Bush Administration replacing the presidential seal with a more appropriate logo reflective of their ‘moral’ values.

President George W. Bush has commissioned a new logo to more properly reflect the Bush Administration's 'moral' values.

Supreme Jesters

Boy the Supreme Court is certainly showing its true colors the last couple of years. First they showed what supreme corporate lackeys they were by giving corporations ‘personhood’ and then they said these ‘corporate people’ could give as much money as they wanted politically to senators and representatives who will do their bidding. Now apparently, corporations also have religious rights, too. In a landmark case this week, the Supreme Jesters said in the case of Burwell v. Hobby Lobby, that corporations could opt out of paying for an employees birth control because it went against their religious beliefs. Wow! Who knew that corporations could have religious beliefs. Now corporations can make healthcare decisions for their employees. Talk about your death panels, eh Sarah Palin! This decision also provides a loophole for those who oppose Obamacare. Just state that a particular medical procedure goes against your religion and whoop there it is. What’s next? A company or business refusing service to a customer based on religious belief? It almost happened here in Arizona folks. The christians are going to shove their religion down your throat whether you like it or not. (Interestingly enough, Hobby Lobby will pay for vasectomies and Viagra.)

So are you outraged that now corporations are not only citizens with religious beliefs but also more important than women. You can fight back. You hit corporate America where it hurts most; in the pocket book. That’s why we say BOYCOTT HOBBY LOBBY!! There are tons of arts and crafts stores out there. America is all about choice (except when it comes to women’s reproductive rights). Choose to cause Hobby Lobby’s failure. We know that you are mostly consumer automatons and that it’s in your wiring to buy, buy, buy. Be strong! Resist that burning temptation to buy lace doilies or glitter or craft foam or iron-on appliques. Buy them at a locally owned shop! Again we say, BOYCOTT HOBBY LOBBY!!

Hobby Lobby founder and sanctimonious asswipe David Green says that women should be barefoot and pregnant and making crafts much to the chagrin of intelligent women everywhere. — Hobby Lobby founder David Green and his wife, whose name isn't important, preach their christian philosophy to ignorant, heathen women boycotting their store.

Kommandant Coulter

This will be our last post of our Ann Coulter retrospective because quite frankly we’re sick of her and we don’t want to waste any more of our precious energy on this pile of waste. Remember when the Living Skeleton said that ‘Jews can be perfected by finding Christ’. back in 2007? Here’s a photo-toon from our October 28, 2007 issue. Yes, the Nazis would have been proud of you Kommandant Coulter.

Neoconservative author and pundit, Ann Coulter, recently appeared on CNBC talk show, The Big Idea, and proudly proclaimed that Jews needed to be 'perfected' by becoming Christian. and possibly sent to special camps. — Neoconservative author and pundit, Ann Coulter, recently appeared on CNBC talk show, The Big Idea, and proudly proclaimed that Jews needed to be 'perfected' by becoming Christian.

Sermon On The Pterodactyl

Recently, Bill Nye debated creationist Ken Ham at the Creation Museum on creationism vs. evolution. We here at the Bucket are fans of Bill Nye and we applaud his efforts to teach science, logic and reason to the American people, who in general are severely lacking in scientific understanding (80% Americans actually believe in angels). Now, we’re really impressed with him because 92% of respondents in a Christian Today poll concluded that Nye won the debate. Even conservative christian wing nut poster boy Pat Robertson said that Ken Ham should just shut up. So kudos to Bill Nye for having the patience to debate a narrow minded doofus, because if it were any of us here at the Bucket, we would have just said ‘screw it’ and thumped Ham over the head with an oversized cartoon mallet.

Ken Ham explains how Jesus rode a pterodactyl and Peter rode Dino to an incredulous Bill Nye. — Bill Nye realizes the futility in trying to explain scientific principles, reasoning and logic to a narrow minded clown.

Celebrate Christmas or Die!

Do you need a last minute holiday gift? You came to the right place! Fox News talk show host Bill O’Reilly, whose only goal in life is to look out for you, has released a new book just in time for you to buy it and stuff it… in your stocking for Christmas, Festivus or whatever the hell holiday you celebrate this time of year. He gives key strategies on dealing with people who have non-Christian ideologies and how to beat the holy hell out them, all in the joyous spirit of the season. And with a foreward by Ms. Ubetcha, how can anyone refuse!

GOP’s Prayer Health Plan

It’s no secret that the Republicans have been against Obamacare since day 1; I mean they shutdown the government because of it. But at the same time, they’ve offered no plans of their own. But on the contrary…we found an article in our August 31, 2006 issue where the Republicans came up with a fantastic plan that had their party all a- titter with excitement.

Republicans Push New Prayer Health Plan

Responding to the fact that almost 46 million Americans are without health insurance, conservative congressional Republicans are pushing for a new faith based health plan administered by churches instead of insurance companies. Proponents estimate that this new prayer health plan could save people millions of dollars.

Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn, who is also a doctor, described the new plan. “This affordable plan works in the following way. The participant phones in a prayer to the health insurance prayer network and our authorized prayer speakers, who are much holier than you, say a prayer for your health and well being. All this for only $50 a month for a family of four. Of course, if you want holier people, like Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell to pray for you, you can opt for the $75 a month plan; for a family of four. What a bargain! Then there is the elite plan where President Bush will pray for you for $100 a month. Just think; God’s chosen one praying for you and your family! You’re sure to stay healthy! These plans don’t cover single people over 18, because in the Lord’s eyes, you must be married to a member of the opposite sex, before your life is worth anything. And no atheists, non-Christians, tree-huggers, free-thinkers, anti-War protesters, abortionists, gun control freaks, gays, lesbians, Democraps or other liberal wackos. To be covered you must convert to Christianity and Republicanism. And what’s more, you don’t need to see a doctor since you’re connected straight to the Lord. It looks like I’m out of business, heh-heh!”

Many in the religious community hailed the plan as revolutionary. “This new health care plan is exactly what America needs,” said televangelist Jerry Falwell. “Every thinking man knows that germs, bacteria and viruses are just the creation of the liberal elite and smartsy fartsy scientists. The only way to truly protect you and your family against illness is to pray, pray, pray.”

Pat Robertson, host of the 700 Club, said “This is truly a great day for God-fearing Americans everywhere. Soon the evil, godless liberals will die off because they can’t participate in this plan and won’t want to convert. Then America will be cleansed and ready for the Rapture, which will be coming any day now, according to my communications with the Almighty.”

The Union for Advancement of Science spokesman Dr. Alfred Maxwell shook his head and said, “This is absolutely unbelievable. What is going on here? Have we taken a step back into the Middle Ages? What’s next? Witch burnings and inquisitions? I…I…I’m utterly speechless. This does it. I can’t stands it no more. I’m moving to Canada. Sure they’re idea of fun is curling, but at least if I get sick up there, it won’t put me and my family into debilitating debt for all eternity.”

Many Americans seemed relieved about the new health plan. Janice Wilcox of Shannon, West Virginia said, “Hallelujah! I never did trust those scientists and doctors. They said my lousy diet and no exercise was causing my obesity and bad health. Well nuts to them. All I need is prayer! I’m going for the President Bush plan. He talks to God, you know.”

Karl Billings of Tarrington, Georgia said, “At last; an end to all that evil scientific research and knowledge gaining. That stem cell research was just a liberal coverup for murdering innocent embryos. Maybe now people will do the Lord’s work and start killing some Muslims!”

Joe Jones of Lake Runamucka, Tennessee said, “Finally! An affordable risk-free health plan that’s sure to work.”

DeLay Tactics

He’s baaaaaaacck…. That’s right everyone. Everybody’s favorite money launderer, Tom ‘The Hammer’ DeLay is back after his conviction was overturned (by a Texas judge of course). He is now on a ‘mission from God’ and aims to lead a ‘constitutional revival’ behind the scenes. Great! Another wacko Texan who ‘speaks to God’. Please Texas, secede from the USA. Please!!!!

Here’s a photo-toon from our April 10, 2006 issue when ‘The Hammer’ announced he wouldn’t seek re-election because of the money laundering charges.

delaylaundering — Republican Congressman Tom 'The Hammer' DeLay announced this past week he will not seek re-election and turn his attention to laundering clothes instead of money.

The Party of Inclusiveness

RNC Chairman, Reince Priebus, recently made an announcement that Republicans will ban MSNBC and CNN from the Republican primary debates in 2016 if they don’t drop plans to air projects about Hillary Clinton, who will more than likely run for President in 2016. Yep, once again, the crybabies of the GOP are demanding that everybody does what they want or else. They’re certainly doing what it takes, too, to advertise themselves as inclusive and tolerant of the various demographics which makes the United States such a melting pot. Let’s review some of their triumphs: they want to enforce voter ID in order to suppress the black vote; the only kind of immigration reform they support is building a wall across the Mexican-American border; they think the government should stay out of people’s lives unless you’re a woman, which in that case, allows the government to patrol every woman’s uterus; they’re against gay marriage or really any kind of equal rights for gays, lesbians or transgendered people (just stay in the closet folks); they don’t want healthcare for anybody unless you can afford to pay the astronomical expenses associated with today’s medicine; they want to push christianity down everybody’s throats as the only religion to be allowed in this country; they value the rights of the gun shooter over the rights of the gun victims; they portray any scientist who proclaims that climate change is real to be a fraud. Yes, by all means, let’s keep electing these irrepressible zanies to run our country.

gopexclusiveparty — RNC Chairman, Reince Priebus, lays down the new rules that journalists must obey when dealing with Republicans.

Tolerance Is Sooooooo Overrated

Recently, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus stated in an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) “I don’t know if I’ve used the word ‘tolerance,’ I don’t really care for that word myself”.

It’s stunning that today’s christian conservative Republicans are such blatant hypocrites. Let’s review a little: today’s modern, conservative, christian Republican, should not want their neighbors to have affordable healthcare; should not give any kind of opportunity to anyone from another country who has come to this country in search of a better life; should mistrust anyone who has a different skin color; should hate anyone who has a different religious point of view; should not allow a woman to make her own health decisions in regard to her reproductive system; should despise people who have different sexual orientation; and should own several guns and use them if they are EVER threatened by the aforementioned groups of people. Yep, tolerance is very overrated. Jesus would surely be proud of today’s christians.