We’d like to wish everyone a Happy Festivus!
And to Trump supporters…we think you know where you can stick the Festivus pole.
Category: From The Editor
Takin’ A Break
While American CEO/Dictator, Donald Trump, assembles his cabinet from hell, we’re taking a little reprieve. Eighteen months of Con-a-thon 2016 has left us exhausted and we need to recharge our batteries a little. We recommend everyone do the same. We’re going to need a lot of energy to deal with the enormous loads of crap that’s going to be coming down the pike in the near future. We’ll be back soon with our humorous take on Trump’s cabinet picks. Happy Thanksgiving to one and all!
Rewind: America Chooses Insanity…Again
We’re shocked and in mourning for a sane, intelligent America. Words escape us at the moment so we’re reprinting an article from when America chose a similar path of insanity back in 2004 and re-elected George W. Bush. Yeah…that turned out well didn’t it. One thing’s for sure; conservative Republicans never learn.
This article is from our November 7, 2004 post-election issue.
America Speaks: “51% Of Us Are Fucking Idiots!”
America went to the polls last week and re-elected George W. Bush as president even though he’s started a costly war on false premises with no exit strategy, plunged the nation into tumultuous debt, rolled back numerous environmental regulations in favor of industry, presided over an economy that has lost almost a million jobs, underfunded the ‘No Children Left Behind’ program, misled the nation about the cost of his healthcare bill which does nothing to alleviate high costs and performed anemically in all three televised debates.
Bush supporters spoke out and explained why they voted for him. Dale Gilman of Empty Noggin, Georgia, said, “I voted for him because he’s the one I’d rather drink a beer with. That’s my only criteria for president. I’ll have to invite him over to my trailer for a beer one of these days. It’s not quite the country club he’s used to, but I think my gun collection adds a certain redneck ambiance.”
Betsy Moeller, of Cornshoot, Ohio, said, “I was undecided until the very end, but what made me vote for the President was that he’s just so moral. Even when he lies to us repeatedly, he’s just so moral.”
Kirby Tucker, of Cracked Nut, North Carolina, said, “All I knows is I don’t want no wolves to catch me and eats me.”
Durwood Dunndoody, of Oozing Bed Sore, Texas said, “The big issue of this campaign was gay marriage. No doubt about it. Thank God, the President is going to make a stand agin’ those hell bound fruitcakes. They’re worst than the terrorists you know.”
Dwight Stevenson, of Ostrich Neck, Oklahoma, said, “I know the president has made some mistakes, but he’s a known quantity. I’m comfortable with his ineptitude.”
Rev. Fred Campbell, pastor of the Fifth Evangelical Church of the Backwoods in Dunceville, Tennessee, said, “Praise be to God! The rapture is so close I can smell it!”
Dave and Karen Lydell, of Dullardton, Iowa, said, “We believe in secretive Orwellian government. We completely trust President Bush to do what’s right, because it’s really none of our business to know or question what they’re doing. We don’t mind if our government monitors our every movement. It’s a small price to pay for freedom.”
Kerry supporters expressed extreme shock and disappointment. Mark Barry, of Tempe, Arizona, said while banging his head with a frying pan, “This can’t be happening! This can’t be happening!”
Donna Beacham, of Salem, Oregon, said while booking a flight to Vancouver, Canada, “The choice was so obvious. It’s like we’re speeding for the edge of a cliff in a gas guzzling hummer, and the passengers vote to drive off. Un-fucking-believable!”
College student, Craig Kaster, of Santa Bonita, California, said, “I’m so voting for that Kerry dude. What? The elections were last week. Oh man! I like so spaced that off.”
Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden, said. “This is great! Al-Qaeda will get stronger, America will go bankrupt and I’ll get to live four more years. That chimp Bush is playing right into my hands. Allah Akbar!”
Happy 240th Birthday America!
Happy Festivus To You
And so we’re offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety-two
Although it’s been said many times
Many ways, Happy Festivus to you
That even goes for you, too, Bill O’Reilly!
Flouting Godwin’s Law
At the risk of flouting Godwin’s Law, we’ve noticed how far to the right the Republican party has traveled over the past twenty years; specifically in the years after Dubya left office and with the rise of the Teabaggers. Now that Donald Trump has started to spew forth truly hateful rhetoric in this farce of an election called Con-a-thon 2016, comparisons to the NSDAP party(Nazis) of 1930’s Germany are not only inevitable, but necessary. Make no mistake, it’s not just Trump who believes this filth. Every Republican candidate believes it as well, especially Rubio and Cruz, who both have said some vile, nasty unchristian things toward immigrants, foreigners, gays, women, and non-christians. Although every single high ranking Republican condemned Trump for his words, they would absolutely vote for him and support him in the general election. Yep, Trump is the heart and soul of the current Republican party and it’s pretty ugly.
What grinds our gears though, is when right wing blowhards violate Godwin’s by bloviating and showing their ignorance by comparing Obama to Hitler. This is not only laughable but blatantly incorrect. History shows that the leaders of the NSDAP party were overwhelmingly right wing conservatives not leftists (For an excellent, informative read try Richard Evans’ Third Reich trilogy: The Coming of the Third Reich; The Third Reich in Power; and The Third Reich at War). They had a well oiled propaganda machine that spewed forth hateful rhetoric about minorities and foreigners who would serve as convenient scapegoats for all national maladies. They were against gays, democratic socialists (they would have killed Obama), immigrants, and unions. Women were second class citizens who would only be useful to provide further citizens for the nation. They promoted eternal warfare and invoked nationalism to incite citizens to join the military. They pushed for a strong military and were very friendly to corporations which fueled the military industrial complex. They would regularly stoke fear in the hearts of the citizenry by claiming the aforementioned scapegoats were going to ruin their nation. They would regularly stifle opposing viewpoints by announcing that anyone who disagreed were enemies of the state and should be eliminated. Hmmmm…notice any similarities? We think Americans must take notice, (Godwin’s Law be damned) and be very concerned about this 21st century neocon Republican party that, according to its propaganda, wants to ‘make America great again’ just as a certain right wing conservative fascist party wanted to make Germany great again in the 1930s.
Peace
Salk, Hero; Shkreli, Zero
How about that Martin Shkreli, huh? What a piece of work he is. In case, you don’t know, Martin Shkreli is the wunderkind CEO of Turing Pharmaceuticals who recently made every sane person’s list of most hated man in the world recently by raising the price of a life saving drug Daraprim from $13.50 to $750 per pill. Yes, you read that right… $750 per pill.
And now poor little rich man is mad at Bernie Sanders because Mr. Shkreli wanted to donate to Sanders campaign and Sanders wisely rejected the donation. According to Shkreli, he is so mad at Sanders that he could punch a wall. Ahhhhh! Poor wittle baby!!! Well, I think it’s safe to say that there are many Americans who would like to punch Mr. Shkreli’s greedy, smug little face into oblivion.
Shkreli could learn a lot about ethics from Dr. Jonas Salk. Salk discovered the vaccine for polio and instead of filing a patent, which could have made him a gazillionaire, famously said “There is no patent. Could you patent the sun?”. He had no desire to profit personally but instead wanted the vaccine distributed as widely as possible in order to cure as many people as possible of this dreaded disease. Of course, in this age of greed and profits at any and all costs, Dr. Salk’s actions are scoffed at by most modern day doctors and scientists, who seem to support the idea of putting profits before people. This way of thinking seems counter not only to the Hippocratic Oath (“I will remember that I do not treat a fever chart, a cancerous growth, but a sick human being, whose illness may affect the person’s family and economic stability. My responsibility includes these related problems, if I am to care adequately for the sick.“) but also to basic christianity, which this nation supposedly has claimed itself to be.
Health care for humans and even our pets has become ridiculously expensive. What’s needed is regulation for the pharmaceutical and medical industry so prices remain affordable to every American, not just the rich. But people keep electing people to Congress who are against any kind of regulation (a.k.a Republicans). One thing is for certain; health care for profit is a bad idea and one that needs changing. Either that, or say hello to more assholes like Mr. Shkreli with their $750 pills.
The Republicans’ Toxic Masculinity Problem
The Republicans’ stupid has been coming fast and furious lately…it’s been hard for us to keep up. But we’ve got to comment on Jeb Bush’s statements following the school shootings in Oregon last week. In an interview following the tragedy, ‘compassionate conservative’ Jeb stated that you know ‘Stuff happens’. Can’t you just feel the sympathy oozing from his pores? Just the latest in our corporate lackey politicians licking the gun barrels of the NRA, the weapons industry and the military industrial complex. Because you know you can’t possibly be a man unless you have a gun and of course, as in all things manly, you’ve got to have either a big gun or a lot of them.
There’s a new buzzword that’s been making the rounds lately called ‘toxic masculinity’ and this catch phrase fits today’s gun culture perfectly. Since December 2012, we’ve had 990 mass shootings. When you care more about a gun than living beings, that’s a sign of a sick society. Our spineless politicians should stand up to the gun lobbyists and say enough is enough. It’s incredible that Republicans are so myopic that they’re still focusing on the 4 lives lost at Benghazi and not the 1249 people lost to gun violence in the past three years. It’s time for Americans to vote these incompetents out of office. If our elected officials won’t take the necessary steps to make this country safer, then maybe it’s time for new elected officials.
Cheney: Wrong On Everything
Guess who reared his ugly head again? That’s right; everyone’s favorite Dick, Dick Cheney. The American war criminal and all around lying munchhead, was making rounds in the media proclaiming to all that Obama Iran Deal was ‘madness’. What is madness is that any supposedly ‘liberal’ media outlet would let this hawkish, manipulative piece of excrement in its studios, spreading his lies and propaganda to the public. Fortunately, the White House has come out with a video at showing how wrong Cheney has been about everything. (We’re including the video at the end of this post.) WHAT A DICK!!!
Also, we started a policy here earlier this year that whenever Dick Cheney appeared in the press spouting his lies, we’d repeat his biggest one on Iraq. This is precisely the same strategy taken by the Bush Administration and the Republican Fear and Noise Machine, a.k.a The Republican Propaganda Network, a.k.a Fox News; to repeat things ad nauseum until the sheeple get it. Every person in America needs to see this video because it proves that at least one very influential person in the Bush Administration knew the Iraq War would be a quagmire and went ahead with it anyway saying instead that we would be greeted as liberators. Bush and Cheney are liars and need to be prosecuted! PLEASE…take time out and view this video!