BilgeBucket Gazette – Page 57 – Satire that shovels it to the public

Spill? What Spill?

The water in Charleston, West Virginia has finally been declared safe for drinking after a chemical spill into the Elk River from Freedom Industries on January 9th. This happened when an aging containment tank leaked MCHM, which is an agent used in processing coal, into the Elk River above the water intake for the company which provides water service for the area. It appears that this facility hadn’t been inspected by federal or state officials since 1991. It was also just determined that another chemical called PPH was also leaked into the water. Of course, since the government is controlled by the oil, gas and coal industries, it’s not surprising that Washington is using the “there’s nothing to see here” approach to damage control (remember the BP Gulf of Mexico oil spill a few years back). John Boehner said no new regulations are needed and all the other corporate lackeys in Washington are keeping mum as well. But this shouldn’t be surprising since our elected officials, especially Republicans, have been trying to reduce regulations and oversight since the Reagan administration. Dubya even put industry officials in key positions in the EPA. That’s like putting the mouse in charge of the cheese. Next industry officials will be trying to spin that MCHM and PPH are good for you. It’s smells like licorice, how bad can it be, right?

The water in Charleston, West Virginia tastes a lot like Freedom these days thanks to the coal industry. — A coal industry representative performs damage control with the citizens of Charleston, West Virginia after a chemical spill from an aging Freedom Industries tank leaked into the local water supply.

Mr. Science

When you think of top modern day scientists, who do you think of…Stephen Hawking, Jane Goodall, Richard Dawkins? Well, apparently El Rushblo, aka Boss Limhogg, aka Rush Limbaugh knows more about science than anyone on the planet. He’s already known for his statements knocking stem cell research, birth control and climate change. Well he was after climate scientists again last week during the invasion of the polar vortex, saying that the polar vortex was nothing but a liberal invention to “lie” to the public about the “hoax” of climate change. And Rush should know since he never graduated college. But he does sit around in his radio studio bloviating hot air all day long and he does make $70 million a year so I guess that makes him an expert. Remember, in America, if you have money, you’re an expert at everything. We thought it was funny that Al Roker called El Rushblo on his BS. Here’s a thorough explanation from White House Science and Technology Advisor, Dr. John Holdren, too. Maybe Limbaugh should actually take a refresher course in science before he opens up his mouth again. Naaaaaaah! There’s money to be made in stoking the fires of ignorance.

Rush Limbaugh, recently stated that according to his thorough research, all scientists are idiots except the ones who created Viagra and Oxycontin. — Conservative talk show host, 'El Rushblo' Rush Limbaugh, is working around the clock at Republican Science Labs to debunk the 'theories' of evolution, gravity and a round earth.

A Bridge Too Jammed

New Jersey Governor and 2016 GOP presidential candidate, Chris Christie, is embroiled currently in a huge political scandal where his staffers ordered a massive traffic jam on the George Washington bridge entering Fort Lee, New Jersey as a payback for the Fort Lee mayor endorsing the Democratic candidate for Governor last year. This kind of puts a damper on his presidential aspirations but then again it is only 2014. We’ve got two years left to go before the presidential election. Given how forgetful Americans are, by 2016 they’ll probably say, “What bridge scandal?”

ChrisChristie says if you want to cross the George Washington bridge, a vote for Christie is in order — New Jersey GOP governor and dapper dresser, Chris Christie, lays down the law for people who may want to cross the George Washington bridge.

Festivus For The Rest Of Us

Festivus is officially celebrated on December 23rd…so we’re late a couple days. Happy Festivus to everyone, especially Bill O’Reilly!

Celebrate Christmas or Die!

Do you need a last minute holiday gift? You came to the right place! Fox News talk show host Bill O’Reilly, whose only goal in life is to look out for you, has released a new book just in time for you to buy it and stuff it… in your stocking for Christmas, Festivus or whatever the hell holiday you celebrate this time of year. He gives key strategies on dealing with people who have non-Christian ideologies and how to beat the holy hell out them, all in the joyous spirit of the season. And with a foreward by Ms. Ubetcha, how can anyone refuse!

Top Holiday Gifts For 2013

The holiday season is in full swing. If you haven’t spent yourself into bankruptcy yet and are still looking for the right gift for that special someone in your life, look no further. Our intrepid staff has conveniently compiled a list of the hot “gotta have it” items for this years holiday season. Take this to the mall and don’t forget your helmet, spiked gloves and shoulder pads. Holiday shopping is dangerous!

An Official Miley Cyrus Foam Finger
A painting by George W. Bush of George W. Bush in the bathtub
‘Moby Dick’ by Rand Paul
The NSA Super Snooper Spy Kit – For Kids
Ted Cruz’s new fragrance: Arrogant Ass
A lump of coal autographed by Dick Cheney
‘The Great Gatsby’ by Rand Paul
Sarah Palin’s Book ‘Good Tidings and Great Joy’ Yule Log
‘Kwanzaa For Dummies’ by Paula Deen
A Carlos Danger Action Figure with Realistic Twerkin’ Motion
Walter White’s Meth Starter Kit – For Kids
‘Atlas Shrugged’ by Rand Paul
A ‘Jesus was a Liberal’ T-Shirt (blatant capitalistic plug)
Guns, guns and more guns
Healthcare

Holiday Conversations At The Mall

iPads, iPhones, Androids and other mobile devices are everywhere and you can really observe this when you go xmas shopping your nearest mall. In the olden days, one might turn to the person shopping next to them or standing in line and start a conversation. Now, everyone is having conversations… on their cell phones. They’re chatting with their best friends about the bargains they’re seeing or they’ve got their heads down gazing at their smart phones checking their all important Facebook status. Happy Holidays folks, but please don’t talk to us…we’re playing Angry Birds.

xmasshoppingconversations — Everyone is spreading holiday cheer this year at the local shopping mall by constantly checking their mobile devices and having conversations...on their cell phones.

Baby Talk, Baby Talk

Well it’s the holiday season so that means that it’s time to go out and shop for all your loved ones. So what should you get your baby or toddler this year. Skip the toys, dolls and stuffed animals. We think there’s no better gift to give your infant than a cell phone and bluetooth. Mobile devices are ubiquitous these days and you might as well get your little one wired up as soon as possible because there is nothing more important in life than staying connected to the grid.

bluetoothbaby — Wireless companies are targeting an increasingly younger audience these days.

The Capitalist Pigs

We think the funniest thing about football and collegiate sports are some of the school mascots. For instance, the Banana Slugs of the University of California at Santa Cruz or the Artichokes of Scottsdale Community College evoke a hilarious image, especially if you saw a big banana slug or an artichoke depicted on a football player’s helmet. So in this vein we present our feature, Helmet Hilarity, featuring the helmets of little known collegiate teams and their unconventional, zany mascots.

Today we present the helmet of the J. Prescott Worthington School of Financial Management Capitalist Pigs. This elite business college in the Gold Coast region of Lake Wannamoola, Connecticut really teaches their students the value of a buck and many graduates go on to successful careers bilking millions from unsuspecting rubes as brokers on Wall Street, politicians in Washington D.C and televangelists in the South. The highlight at home games is when school mascot, Rich Uncle Oinkie, whose picture is prominently displayed on the teams helmet, roams the stadium in his chauffeured, custom designed, open top, Cadillac golf cart, lighting cigars with $100 dollar bills, sipping champagne, eating caviar and throwing cake out the window so some lucky peasants fans can scramble for the crumbs. The climax of the season is the game with their rival college across the lake, the Marx School of Liberal Arts Commie Bastards.

Speaking of capitalist pigs, be sure to check out the BilgeBucket store where you can purchase fine BilgeBucket gear just in time for Black Friday. BUY! BUY! BUY!

capitalistpigsfootballhelmet — The football helmet of the J. Prescott Worthington School of Financial Management Capitalist Pigs features compassionate conservative school mascot, Rich Uncle Oinkie.

The Gospel According To Sarah

Hey everyone…Sarah Palin’s back in the news. Yay!!!

We don’t waste much time on the Tea Party Princess anymore because…well…she’s a waste of time. But Ms. Ubetcha was out recently promoting her book on the ‘War on Christmas’ when she made comments about how Pope Francis was sounding kind of liberal lately. Really? Imagine that. Bill Maher’s reply to her ‘insightful’ comment hit the nail on the head. Maybe she would like our ‘Jesus was a Liberal’ t-shirt as a gift for Xmas.