Satire that shovels it to the public – just like the real media!
The last photo-toon in our zany zealot retrospective features Osama Bin Laden from our October 28, 2007 issue. Yes, relive those glorious years of the Bush Administration when you proved how much you loved America by wearing a flag lapel pin at all times, even in the hot tub. Remember, in America: the bigger, the better.
It looks like the Supreme Court isn’t going to be kind to Obamacare and it looks like it’s because of that damn ‘judicial activism’ that gives Republicans hissy fits. Yes those CONservative activist judges have argued that the individual mandate is un-American which is weird because Republicans were for the individual mandate not too long ago. Even GOP Presidential candidate Spiff Romney was for it before he was against it. One CONservative activist judge, who is also Republican, has even stated that people shouldn’t be forced to buy health insurance because it would be like forcing people to eat broccoli.
What is it about Republicans and broccoli? This isn’t the first time the nutritious but bland tasting vegetable has been vilified by a well known Republican. Remember back during President George H.W. Bush’s term when he said how much he hated broccoli? Well, broccoli hating is back in vogue thanks to the Supreme Court, which is supposed to be composed of wise individuals who don’t let their politics affect their decisions. Hmmm… corporations are people, healthcare only for those who can afford it(very un-christian), strip searches for minor offenses… the GOP is right after all: activist judges are ruining this country. Just in case you’re keeping track at home, the new things the GOP wants you to be afraid of: people wearing hoodies, broccoli and …sinister music please…Obamacare.
It’s time for another trip to yesteryear, back to those bucolic days in the summer of 2004, when Operation Iraqi Freedom a.k.a. the Iraq War, a.k.a the Slam Dunk was foundering into it’s second year, despite assurances from the Bush administration that all was well in the land of sand and oil. Now, thankfully, we’re out of Iraq and the Iraqis are left to administer their country on their own, even though sectarian violence continues and probably will continue until the country breaks out into an inevitable Civil War which has been building for a century. For a dry but informative read on the history of Iraq, pre-War, read Charles Tripp’s History of Iraq and see why we should have never gotten into this misadventure in the first place.
Here’s a photo-toon from our July 4, 2004 issue depicting Dubya’s rose colored glasses view of Iraq.
Our Corporate BS retrospective continues…Here’s an article from our January 18, 2004 issue.
Drugzilla, one of America’s leading pharmaceutical companies has released of a suite of new drugs for combating the effects of nuclear radiation and environmental pollution. This is in response to the announcement last month by the National Research Council calling for drugs to prevent effects of nuclear radiation for people living near nuclear plants.
“We feel this is a very timely solution for every American,” said Drugzilla spokesperson, Sally Whitman. “With the relaxed environmental regulations passed by the Bush administration, pollution will most likely increase. But Americans need not worry. We have created a whole new set of drugs to fight the symptoms of pollution. For instance, Nukitol, is for people living near nuclear power plants who may be exposed to radiation. Carbomonoxitol offers relief for urban dwellers who breathe in massive amounts of car exhaust fumes or factory exhaust each and every day. Nixochemitol helps people who may drink contaminated water from mining, manufacturing or chemical plants. Plus we have several other drugs available to aid the average citizen in living with the necessary pollution of modern corporate America.”
Doris May Watkins, a housewife from Corpdump, New Jersey, expressed gratitude for the new medication. “We live right next to a chemical plant and we can’t afford to move. But thanks to these wonderful drugs, my raging migraine headaches and chronic diarrhea can be fixed with just one tablet eight times a day at the affordable price of just $10 a tablet. Thanks Drugzilla!”
Beau Garner, from Dungheap, Texas, who lives next to a nuclear power plant, said, “This is great! Now maybe my gums and my stomach will stop bleeding long enough for me to eat. Maybe my hair will stop falling out, too. I mean I’m only twenty-five for Pete’s sake. I’m unemployed and got no health insurance, but it’ll only cost three quarters of my unemployment check to buy the drugs. That leaves a cool fifty bucks to pay my bills and buy me food for the month. Thanks Drugzilla!”
Whitman warned that the drugs do have possible side effects like cramping, headaches, uncontrollable salivation, seizures, hair loss, heart palpitations, spleen rupture, night sweats, blindness, war flashbacks, bloody stool, heebie-jeebies, bladder infection, tremors, hairballs, sterility, memory loss, incessant flatulence, body rashes, kidney failure, limb paralysis and an inexplicable urge to listen to parody music by Weird Al Yankovic. Fortunately, Drugzilla makes drugs to combat all of these side effects.
President Bush praised the new drugs. “This is a great victory for the American people and the economy. See, I told you so. By allowing more pollution, all my friends and benefactors are making more money and the economy is being stimulated. Trickle down economics does work. God Bless America!”
Continuing with our Corporate BS retrospective…This article is from our March 13th, 2005 issue, back when then President Bush signed the ‘Tort Reform’ bill. Never forget folks: corporations are the most important ‘people’ in America.
President Bush came to the rescue of poor American corporations recently when he signed into law the so called ‘Tort Reform’ bill which places limits on class action lawsuits placed against corporations.
“This is a momentous occasion for my corporate benefactors,” said Bush. “From now on, our poor, defenseless American corporations will never be fleeced by greedy, money-grubbing consumers who are out to screw our decent CEOs out of their hard earned millions.”
Sally Whitman, spokesperson of Drugzilla, one of America’s leading pharmaceutical companies, praised the legislation. “This bill is a godsend. I’m so sick of people complaining, ‘Oh, this medicine caused me to break out in a rash’, ‘This medicine made my child vomit’, ‘This medicine killed my husband’. Has anyone heard of the phrase, ‘Buyer Beware’? No one held a gun to your head to take the medicine. A doctor’s prescription doesn’t necessarily have to be followed, people.”
Dr. Ted Cargill said, “This is great for all us doctors who’ve ever had to worry about malpractice suits. Now when I mistakenly amputate a patient’s right leg instead of the left leg, I won’t have to suffer any consequences, like losing my license to practice medicine, my membership at the country club or my Porsche. God, I’d die if I lost my Porsche.”
Lawrence T. Juggers, President and CEO of Juggermart, said, “Now I don’t have to put up with employee complaints of working them over forty hours a week. They’ll work when I want them to work. When I say jump, they’ll say ‘How high, Mr. Juggers?’ I bet I can even get away with paying less than minimum wage now. That means maybe I can get vacation home number ten. I’m thinking a nice little hideaway in Aruba will do nicely.”
Consumer advocate, Clarence Simons, said, “This is disastrous for the average American. While it may be true there are a few tort lawyers who abuse the system, the majority of the cases brought before the state courts are legitimate. Now that the tort cases will be brought before federal courts, the likelihood of a case being dismissed will be greater. The consumer stands the chance of not having any retribution if they purchase a faulty product, have a conflict with an employer or are harmed by defective drugs. They will have no rights.”
Americans seemed ambivalent about the bill. Jenny Miller of Madison, Wisconsin, said, “I welcome corporate slavery. I don’t mind working an extra five, ten or twenty hours a week for my boss. I mean he doesn’t pay me more but there are benefits. He lets me take an extra donut every morning. I’d say that more than makes up for it.”
James S. Quinton, of Atlanta, Georgia, said, “Well I was going to sue Dr. Jamieson’s ass for giving me a sex change operation instead of a vasectomy. But I guess I can get used to wearing pantyhose and heels. I hope my wife doesn’t mind if I use hers.”
Ernest Jefferson, of Houston, Texas, who lost his life savings in the Enron scandal, said, “When I say the word, can you kick the chair I’m standing on out from underneath my legs. Thank you.”
It’s Groundhog Day so we thought we’d flashback to those halcyon days of the Bush Administration. Remember how the Republicans were always trying to privatize Social Security and Americans threw bloody fits against their efforts? Oh, that’s right: they’re still doing it. This photo-toon, from our February 13, 2005 issue, shows Dubya, fresh from his ‘mandate’ victory in November 2004, injecting fear into the hearts of millions about the last days of Social Security.
Here’s more religious BS from our September 10, 2007 issue, not long after Hurricane Felix slammed Central America killing 130 people and causing $720 million in damages.
Members of the Fourth Evangelical Church have announced that they have found a suspect they believed caused Hurricane Felix. The church says that Gainesville, Florida resident, Dave Nielsen, caused the storm by neglecting to attend church and praying the Sunday before the hurricane hit Nicaragua and Honduras.
“We think that this man is responsible for that devastating hurricane that hit Central America because he didn’t come to church and pray this past Sunday,” said Pastor Jonathon Scheister. “Rumor has it that he was out drinking and womanizing Saturday night over at that den of sin, Gator Gulch, and was so tired he couldn’t drag his sorry behind out of bed to go and worship the Lord. There is no doubt in my mind that he caused this event, just as I’m sure all the gays and lesbians caused 9/11.”
Televangelist Maureen Kay said “Let this be a lesson to all of you, praise the Lord. Our Lord is a loving God, praise the Lord, but also a vengeful God, praise the Lord. You must put God first in your life, praise the Lord, and pray constantly or God will cause much pain and destruction, praise the Lord. Only by constantly acknowledging how great God is, praise the Lord, will the people of Earth be saved. Oh God, I hope I said enough praise the Lords. I better just repeat the phrase for another hour or so just to be safe. Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, praise the Lord…”
Thirty year old Nielsen said, “You gotta be kidding me! Hey, I worked a twelve hour shift Saturday over at the University laying concrete. I went out afterward with a few friends, shot some pool and had a few beers. I was zonked. I mean I worked 55 hours that week. I’ve got child support payments to make. I’ve got alimony to pay. I’ve got rent to pay. I’ve got insurance to pay. I’m sorry. Sometimes I just can’t make it to church. I’m sure Jesus would understand.”
Scheister took offense to Nielsen’s explanation. “How dare he say that Jesus would understand! He doesn’t know what Jesus thinks! I’m the pastor. I’m the only one in our church who truly understands what Jesus would do. I talk to Jesus all the time, just like our beloved President Bush and he tells me what is right and wrong. Like last night, Jesus said it was perfectly okay to use church funds to buy that new Armani suit for myself because if I’m going to sell the Lord’s word, I’ve got to look good, right? Hallelujah!”
When asked if Nielsen had indeed caused the Hurricane, heaven spokesperson St. Sixtus said, “Well we’ve traced our prayers in our prayer center and we’ve found that if we would’ve gotten one more prayer, say from one David J. Nielsen, God would’ve evaporated Hurricane Felix right there in the Caribbean-o. But noooooooooo. Mr. Beer Drinker, Mr. get-a-divorce-rather-than-stay-together-in-a-loveless-marriage, David J. Nielsen, had to skip church. So God done brung it. So don’t blame God, people of Central America; blame David J. Nielsen. And Bill Clinton, of course.”
It’s no secret that the Republicans have veered sharply to the right ever since St. Ronald Reagan was president. But today’s political and national climate has become ridiculous. Candidates have been openly pandering to the 30-40% of the people in this country who identify themselves as evangelical christians. These same people also don’t believe in evolution, deny climate change, think that the Earth is all but a few thousand years old and think the rapture is coming very soon so why bother taking care of the planet. If you ever have watched TBN, there are televangelists who unabashedly salivate at the notion that the world is going to end; probably not the best people to be calling the shots. They also openly want to make the United States a christian theocracy. Haven’t we already learned from history that theocracy is a bad idea? Hey, with Spiff Romney, Rick “Google Me” Santorum and Timmy Tebow leading the way, what could go wrong, right?
Here’s an article from our June 6, 2005 issue (back when ol’ Dubya was presidentin’) about the absurdity of the religious right.
In what is considered to be a complete surrender to religious right extremists, the Bush White House completely endorsed a biblical explanation for the Grand Canyon and wants to quickly phase out all other theories on how the great chasm came into existence. The White House also wanted to push an ‘intelligent design’ agenda into schools eventually eliminating the teaching of evolution.
“I’ve discussed this matter with the Big Guy and he agrees with me,” said President Bush. “We have to put an end to the teaching of evolution by these smartsy fartsy liberal thinkers once and for all. Men from apes! That’s just absurd. Do I look like some sort of smirking chimp to you?”
Reverend Delbert Dillman of the Third Evangelical Church of The Apocalypse said, “We’re very excited that we finally have the chance for truth to prevail in the world instead of the unfounded science touted by so called scientists today. The scientific community wants to force Americans to believe in evolution. They want to shove it down our throats. This is so completely wrong. We believe that the only people who can force beliefs down people’s throats is the religious community.”
Paul J. Bryan, head researcher at the Revelations School of Truthful Science said, “Evolution is just a theory. Through work at our institute we’ve discovered that the Grand Canyon is not millions of years old like evolutionists would have you believe, but is in fact just a few thousand years old and created during Noah’s flood. Dinosaurs lived not millions of years ago like evolutionists would have you think, but actually lived side by side with early humans. Humans probably used them for doing laborious work like building pyramids and buildings much like the Flintstones. As a matter of fact, we think the Flintstones is a pretty accurate portrayal of early life for man. Dinosaurs weren’t the monsters as depicted in Jurassic Park. They were playful and harmless pets like Dino.”
Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania supported the institute’s findings and wants to have them taught side by side with evolution in schools. “If schools do not include intelligent design in the new teaching standards, many students will be denied a first-rate science education. Many will be left behind. And I won’t be re-elected by my wacky Christian Fundamentalist electorate.”
Bryan added, “We feel that the events in the Bible are accurate and are not just Judeo Christian myths and stories written down by Bronze-Age peasants. No these stories are accurate and with some creative manipulation, the science of today can be folded, spindled and mutilated to support the stories of the Bible. If the evolutionists would stop thinking logically and start reading only the Bible, then they too might become enlightened. Remember; if you read one book, make it the Bible!”
People had mixed reactions to the announcement. Jerry Swoboda of Cambridge, Massachusetts, said, “This is unbelievable! I’m a grad student in geology. I know science and I know what the geological evidence says about the history of the earth. And you’re telling me that some bible-thumpers who feel threatened are dictating policy and trying to inform me the Grand Canyon was created by a worldwide flood two thousand years ago. I say what are you smoking and where can I get some!”
Mildred Moller of Pebble Noggin, Mississippi, said, “Evolution just doesn’t give me the same warm fuzzy that creationism, …oops…intelligent design, gives me. Just don’t be curious about anything and you’ll be so much happier. Ignorance truly is bliss.”
Mike Ellerby of Dewy Meadows, Maryland, said, “Well of course I believe that Noah’s flood really happened and that Noah built an ark that could hold the millions of species of animals that exist on Earth and that no animal ate any of the other animals during that whole forty day, forty night time span. I also believe that there’s a whole micro-world of leprechauns living on my hairy ass.”
Who sez Dubya didn’t like to read when he was presidentin’? Although My Pet Goat was probably his favorite, he loved to read other books and here’s proof in a photo-toon from our November 20, 2003 issue.
It’s Halloween again and speaking of ghouls and goblins we got to reminiscing about those glorious days of the Bush Administration. Here’s a photo-toon from our November 6, 2003 issue, when Dubya threw the mother of all Halloweenie parties at the White House. Those conservatives sure know how to party!
