Archive for August 17, 2012

RNC 2004: Remembering The Fun

We’ve just had two weeks of the Olympics. Can we stand anymore excitement? In less than two weeks time, we’ll all be blessed with the thrill of the 2012 edition of the Republican National Convention starring Spiff Romney and that Ayn Rand lovin’ fool, Paul Ryan. To prepare for this earth shattering event, we plan to do a little retrospective. We will present some unforgettable photo-toon highlights from the 2004 Republican National Convention. Who could forget when Arnold Schwarzenegger, Zell Miller and even Jesus showed up to cheer for the GOP.

Let’s start out with that ol’ maverick, Senator John McCain. At least he used to be a ‘maverick’ back in the ’80s. Actually, he was ‘maverick’ only to other Republicans, because he actually would…you probably won’t believe this… compromise  and converse with Democrats. It’s astonishing to believe but back before the 90’s, Republicans were somewhat civilized.

And of course, the ‘maverick’ is responsible for giving the world Sarah Palin. That should have been a clue that maybe he was losing it. Seriously, does anybody listen to what Senator McCain has to say anymore?  He said a few days ago, that Obama should replace Biden with Hillary Clinton. Really? That’s the best barb McCain can come up with to get under the Democrat’s skin? He should just retire to one of his eight houses and count all his money.  Here’s his big moment during the 2004 RNC when he cemented his 2008 presidential candidacy.

Senator John McCain sheds his 'maverick' label and tags himself with the new moniker of 'partisan tool'.

The Ryan Hypocrisy

In the words of Ricky Ricardo, Paul Ryan has some “‘splaining to do”. It seems that Spiff Romney’s new GOP Vice Presidential candidate has some conflicting beliefs that need some clarification. On the one hand, he’s supposedly a staunch Catholic, which means he’s a follower of Jesus, who preached to share and care for your fellow human beings. On the other hand, he’s a staunch fan of Ayn Rand (an avowed atheist), who preached that one should be selfish and be concerned only for yourself and that caring for others is weak and undesirable. These two philosophies seem to be contradictory.  It seems to us that Mr. Ryan and those other conservative christian Republicans, who tout the prosperity gospel while at the same time want to deny basic healthcare to some people in our country, may be hypocrites. Make no mistake: if Romney and Ryan get in, senior entitlements like Medicare and Social Security are gone, while corporate entitlements will be handed out like candy at Halloween. I wonder what Jesus would say, because we all know how much of a capitalist he was.

Capitalist Jesus, who is also very Republican, has nothing but praise for GOP Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan and his Randian philosophy.

Cactus Corners Forecast – August 14, 2012

The kids have gone back to school and the hot, muggy, 110+ degree weather continues. Does it get any better than this? Don’t answer that!

Here’s the shocking forecast for this week.

The Corporate Lackey

Spiff Romney made it official Saturday as he selected Wisconsin Representative Paul Ryan to be his vice presidential running mate in the cruel joke that is…Con-a-thon 2012. Media pundits on both side of the aisles are ‘energized’ by the picks, which means that there’s going to be plenty of BS thrown around for the final three months of this election, that just won’t seem to end. The pick pretty much proves that the ol’ Spiffer doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the middle class or moderates and if he and Mr. ‘Starve the Guvment, Feed the Rich’ Ryan get into office, we can look forward to reliving those glorious years of the Middle Ages when feudalism held sway over humans everywhere. Remember… your corporate overlords know way more than you do. So just shut up and let them run the country.

America's corporate, elite, plutocrats approve the selection of jug eared, ultra conservative, Paul Ryan, as Spiff Romney's Vice Presidential GOP running mate.

America’s corporate, elite, plutocrats approve the selection of ultra conservative, Paul Ryan, as Spiff Romney’s Vice Presidential GOP running mate.

 

 

Consumer Blackmail

Polls across the nation show that Spiff Romney is behind President Obama in the joke that is … Con-a-thon 2012. Conservative Republicans must be panicking because now businessmen have just about taken to consumer blackmail to ensure that Romney gets elected. Papa John founder and CEO, John Schnatter, came out the other day and said that if Obamacare is passed, the price of their pizza will go up. I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to predict that some businesses will try use these threats of higher prices to affect the outcome of the November election.

This should be no surprise of course since America has been a corporatist state for quite some time. The Supreme Court rules that corporations are people and they can contribute as much money as they want. So naturally they contribute money to the congressional lackeys who will do their bidding and give them maximum profits and minimum taxes. Or as Papa John puts it, shareholders are more important to corporations than the average American’s well being. Or put another way, if you don’t support the candidate of our liking, we’ll take it out on you. Sounds like corporatism to us folks.

Billionaire President and CEO of Juggermart, Lawrence T. Juggers, warns consumers of higher prices if a certain result isn't achieved this November.

More Aught 5 Headlines

More headlines from aught 5. No groaning, please.

Martha Stewart Released From Prison: Terror Alert Raised To Red
Local Couple Vacations In Des Moines: Sez “We’ve Been Craving Boredom”
Lil’ Kim To Do A Lil’ Time
Chicken Rancher Crows About Prize Winning Cock
Bush Enlists Shark Boy and Lava Girl To Fight Terrorists

Just Gaffeing Around

The world got a good look at Mitt Romney last week and … they don’t like him. He made gaffe after gaffe with world leaders and certainly didn’t improve foreign perceptions of the United States. About the only meeting that went off without a hitch was Romney’s meeting with former Solidarity Union leader and Polish president Lech Wałęsa, who seems to be backing Romney. Which begs the question, why would a union leader support Romney? Conservative Republicans hate unions. If Wałęsa’s movement was in the United States, Romney would be trying to dissolve it. Wałęsa is a very religious man, so we’re thinking in this case that religion trumps common sense.

Or just maybe, Romney managed to pull a boner and the media just swept it under the rug. Why that’s blasphemy! How could we even suggest such a thing? The news media never looks the other way when it comes to Republican candidates.

Former Solidarity leader and Polish president, Lech Wałęsa, seems to be having second thoughts about his endorsement of Mitt Romney in the upcoming American presidential election.

 

Rewind: The King of Gaffes

Mitt the Twit (or Spiff as we call him) Romney’s recent gaffes in Europe remind us of another Republican who goofed up regularly on the world stage. Ol’ Dubya was always good for a laugh and a master at sticking his feet in his mouth, sometimes both at the same time.

Here’s a photo-toon from our March 17, 2006 issue that depicts one of Dubya’s more dubious moments.

President Bush made a serious diplomatic gaffe on his recent trip to India when he wore a feather headdress to address the Indian people.

Shows Tonight On The Poker Network

There are tons of obscure television channels available on cable and satellite dishes. Well, here’s a listing for The Poker Network. Ante up and lose your pants in the privacy of your own home.

Shows Tonight on The Poker Network

7:00pm Kalamazoo Hold-em: The Forgotten Poker
7:30pm Children’s Ten and Under Poker Championships
8:00pm Fitness Training for Poker Players: Killer Wrist Workouts
8:30pm The World’s Funniest Poker Faces with Lady Gaga
9:00pm Paris Hilton’s Stud Poker
9:30pm Poker Under the Sheets