And now for something completely different…

Remember when there was a dearth of celebrity worship shows? Neither do we. Here’s an article from our January 4, 2004 issue.

American Crisis: Shortage Of Celebrity Worship Shows

America is facing a huge crisis of gargantuan proportions the likes of which haven’t been seen in some time: the shortage of celebrity worship shows. Entertainment industry experts proclaim this year could be dire for celebrity obsessed Americans.

Hollywood Beat reporter Joel Tinsel said “Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! It’s just brutal out there! Currently, the only way to keep track of your favorite celebrities are shows like Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, Extra, Celebrity Justice, Cribs, Celebrity Stalker, Celebrity Anus Probe and Entertainment Studios.com. Then there are celebrity talk shows like David Letterman, Conan, Tonight Show, Carson Daly, Craig Kilborn, El Gordo y la Flaca, Sharon Osbourne, Ellen DeGeneres, The View, Ali and Jack, Regis and Kelly, Bumphus and Mortimer, and Toolin’ with Aunt Tootie. And then there are the game shows which really are celebrity worship shows like Hollywood Squares, 10,000 Dollar Pyramid and Tinseltown Airheads. As you can see, this clearly is not enough for the millions of Americans that are clamoring to touch a star!”

Jill Knotts of Brainerd, Minnesota said, “I need to know what Britney Spears is doing morning, noon and night. You see, I don’t have a life of my own, so I need to live through her. If I don’t know what she’s doing I just cower in the corner of my closet and suck my thumb for hours on end.”

Tyler Moore of Eagle Butte, Idaho said, “I’m all about couples news, man. I need to know which couples are together and which have broken up. You know the power couples, like Brad and Jennifer, Will and Jada, Bennifer, Michael and Catherine Zeta Jones, Julia Roberts and whoever, Anne Heche and whatever. If I lose track of this vital information I’d probably kill myself.”

Mary Deacon of Claypitt, Georgia said, “Before I develop my own opinion on any subject, I wait until I hear what the celebrities think on the subject. I mean after all, they’re the most intelligent people on the planet. They’re so much better than I am. If Jessica Simpson says no to world hunger, then that’s all I need to know.”

Industry insiders have mentioned that electronic tracking devices will soon be implanted into all celebrities so that reporting on their activities will be much easier. Trials have already been performed on such top celebs as Anna Nicole Smith, Pauly Shore and Victoria Jackson. Marilu Henner even has a twenty-four hour channel documenting every phase of her life.

Tinsel reacted tearfully to the new technology. “This is sooooooo fantastic! Americans will never be without knowledge of celebrity whereabouts ever again! OMG! Marilu Henner is cutting her toenails!”