Archive for In Guns We Trust

Tolerance Is Sooooooo Overrated

August 1, 2013 bb_admin Capitalist Jesus, Compassionate CONservatives, Grand Old Plutocrats, Holy Huckster Hijinx, In Guns We Trust, Neocon Media Circus

Recently, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus stated in an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) “I don’t know if I’ve used the word ‘tolerance,’ I don’t really care for that word myself”.

It’s stunning that today’s christian conservative Republicans are such blatant hypocrites. Let’s review a little: today’s modern, conservative, christian Republican, should not want their neighbors to have affordable healthcare; should not give any kind of opportunity to anyone from another country who has come to this country in search of a better life; should mistrust anyone who has a different skin color; should hate anyone who has a different religious point of view; should not allow a woman to make her own health decisions in regard to her reproductive system; should despise people who have different sexual orientation; and should own several guns and use them if they are EVER threatened by the aforementioned groups of people. Yep, tolerance is very overrated. Jesus would surely be proud of today’s christians.

Capitalist Jesus, who is also very Republican, lends support to his disciple, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, on how overrated tolerance is in today’s overpopulated world.

 

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A Nation Armed To The Teeth

January 31, 2013 bb_admin Compassionate CONservatives, Corporate States of America, Grand Old Plutocrats, In Guns We Trust, Neocon Media Circus

The debate about gun control continues in America with NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre leading the charge for arming this nation to the teeth. Yessiree, nothing spells ‘civilized society’ like having every man, woman and child carrying an AR-15 wherever they go.

NRA Executive Vice President and CEO Wayne LaPierre absolutely hates everything liberal except when it involves the availability of weaponry to a gun loving public.

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Armed Police In Schools: What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

January 18, 2013 bb_admin Compassionate CONservatives, Corporate States of America, Grand Old Plutocrats, In Guns We Trust, Neocon Media Circus

In the wake of the shootings last month in Newtown, the big debate now is whether or not to allow armed police in schools. Of course, the NRA and their bought and paid for Republican lackeys are all for this. In their view, the only way to truly be safe is if every single person in this country has at least one gun on their person at all times. Hell, even teach the younguns how to shoot as soon as they can walk. In other words, convert our civilization into a banana republic.

Yes there is nothing more comforting and exciting for a child than seeing an armored police man holding an assault weapon while they play with their games and toys. Nothing bad could possibly come from that, right? The phrase ‘Violence begets violence’ keeps coming to mind.

With the addition of armed police in schools, America’s rich tradition of gun lust is guaranteed to be handed down to future generations.

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Are You Threatening Me?

December 19, 2012 bb_admin Compassionate CONservatives, Grand Old Plutocrats, In Guns We Trust, Neocon Media Circus, U.S. Coins

With the recent mass shootings and the Trayvon Martin-George Zimmerman incident, the United States Mint has decided to re-issue the Florida state quarter to honor of the state’s ‘Stand Your Ground’ law which states that a person may use necessary force to defend themselves if they ever feel threatened. And who better to represent this wacky law than lovable, cartoon legend Beavis (with apologies to Mike Judge), who is depicted as his paranoid alter ego, the Great Cornholio. NRA spokesmen claim this is a fitting tribute to a nation that truly loves its guns and hopefully will put us one step closer to the apocalyptic world of The Road Warrior. Yessirree! Arizona and Florida: leading the country in crazy!

The United States mint has reissued a new state quarter for Florida to honor it’s ‘Stand Your Ground’ law with a fitting portrait of lovable, cartoon legend Beavis as his no-nonsense, paranoid alter ego, the Great Cornholio, uttering his famous catchphrase, which has coincidentally become the motto for the law’s supporters.

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Santa, All I Want For Christmas Is An AK-47

December 17, 2012 bb_admin Compassionate CONservatives, Corporate States of America, Grand Old Plutocrats, Holy Huckster Hijinx, In Guns We Trust, Neocon Media Circus, There's No Planet B

In the wake of yet another mass shooting, this time at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut, more of the same predictable, reprehensible rhetoric has been spewing forth from ‘compassionate’ conservative right wingers who seem to love their guns more than life itself. From Republican congressman Louie Gohmert’s (from Texas of course) call for more guns to former Republican governor Mike Huckabee’s assertion that the massacre occurred because God had been systematically removed from school, the response is typical from the right wing. There have been 31 mass shootings since the Columbine incident in 1999 and 62 in the last 30 years. The response is always the same: the public expresses shock that something like this could happen in America; sane people say that something should be done to prevent this; the NRA and right wing neocon gun nuts scream about the right of every American to own a gun and that ‘guns don’t kill people, people kill people’; politicians say they’ll explore solutions to the problem without implementing the horrors of ‘gun control’ on assault weapons; the NRA and right wing neocon gun nuts cry that they need assault weapons to hunt; time lapses; people forget; finally nothing ever gets done…until the next mass shooting. Rinse and repeat.

Seriously folks, nobody needs an assault weapon to go quail hunting or deer hunting for that matter. It’s utter BULLSHIT!!! They should be BANNED!!!

Here’s a photo-toon from our May 12, 2007 issue right after after the Virginia Tech shootings which echoes Gohmert’s statement that somehow, if everyone had a gun, there would be no more violence and we could all join hands and sing ‘Kumbaya’.

In the weeks following the shootings at Virginia Tech, neocon pundits and gun supporters, like Michelle Malkin, have suggested that the whole crisis could have been averted if all the students had been armed, which explains why gangs and mobs are such safe environments.

 

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Guns, Guns, Guns

July 21, 2012 bb_admin Articles:Political BS, Articles:Society BS, Compassionate CONservatives, Grand Old Plutocrats, In Guns We Trust, Neocon Media Circus

In light of the recent event in Colorado, it may be time to revisit the Assault Weapon Ban, which was signed into law in 1994 and expired in September 2004. Seriously, do we really need assault weapons to hunt quail?

Here’s an article from our September 26, 2004 issue.

Terrorists Approve Lifting Of Assault Weapon Ban

Terrorists and gun nuts alike from across the globe are applauding the expiration of the sale of assault weapons in the United States. The ban, signed into law in 1994, prevented the sale of weapons like AK-47, Colt AR15s, and UZIs from being sold over the counter at gun dealerships.

“Wow!” said Al-Qaeda operative, Abdul Al-Zaqawi. “This makes my job so much easier. Now I don’t have to worry about sneaking weapons past security checkpoints. I just enter the country through the porous borders and buy my weaponry here. What a country! I wonder if I can get a grenade launcher?”

Presidential Candidate John Kerry expressed concern about the ban lift, stating that most Americans support the ban and that the failure to renew the law is a blatant handout to the pro-Republican gun lobby led by the National Rifle Association (NRA). Kerry said, “George Bush chose to make the job of terrorists easier and make the job of America’s police officers harder, and that’s just plain wrong.”

NRA members scoffed at Kerry’s statements. Justin Martin of Plain River, Iowa, said, “America is all about owning a gun and John Kerry just doesn’t understand that. I need my assault weapon for hunting. You really can’t kill a quail effectively without an UZI.”

Darryl Cooder, of Scarlet Thorax, Texas, said, “Alls I know is that John Kerry hates America. If he thinks I’m gonna give up my assault weapon, he’s got another think coming. I’d rather sleep with my AK-47 than my wife. Hell, I’d marry my gun if I could. Maybe I’ll support that queer marriage thing after all.”

NRA president Charlton Heston, exuberantly proclaimed, “Guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns!”

Al-Qaeda Terrorist Mohammed Saif Abdullah expressed not only support for the ban lift, but also for President Bush. “I don’t know why Dick Cheney thinks that Al-Qaeda wants John Kerry to win the election,” he said. “Thanks to George Bush and his invasion of Iraq, we are able to recruit more and more people every day from all over the Muslim world. We are also making progress in winning back Afghanistan. And just look at the gift George Bush just gave us! Maybe we can still get some nuclear weapons. I mean after all, he missed Pakistan giving nuclear secrets to North Korea and Iran. Four more years! Four more years!”

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Beer, Guns, and Car Crashes

April 5, 2012 bb_admin Book O' The Month, Compassionate CONservatives, Con-a-thon 2012, Grand Old Plutocrats, Holy Huckster Hijinx, In Guns We Trust, Neocon Media Circus, Wide World O' Wacky

It looks more and more like Spiff Romney is going to be the GOP nominee. But he polls very badly with southern Republicans and has lost all the southern primaries thus far except for Florida. Well, the Bucket is here to help the ol’ Spiffster. That’s why we’re presenting this selection as our Book o’ the Month by the ‘Sidney Sheldon of the Deep South’, Billy Joe Ray Bob Cooper. Read this book, Spiff Romney, and develop a new Southern strategy based on three key ingredients: beer, guns, and car crashes. Oh and mentioning Jesus a million times sure couldn’t hurt either.

 

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Shows Tonight On The Gun Channel

February 22, 2012 bb_admin In Guns We Trust, TV Tonight

There are tons of obscure television channels available on cable and satellite dishes. Well, here’s a listing for The Gun Channel. Watch these shows with the ones you love…like Smith and Wesson.

Shows Tonight on The Gun Channel

7:00pm Glocked & Loaded: America’s Love Affair With Guns
7:30pm Guns For Tots: It’s Never Too Early
8:00pm Dick Cheney’s Gun Jamboree
8:30pm I Married My Gun
9:00pm Is That a Gun In Your Pocket…
9:30pm Guns, Guns, Guns and More Guns!!!
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PatrioTrend’s Gun Toting Inflatible Jesus

December 10, 2011 bb_admin Capitalist Jesus, Compassionate CONservatives, Grand Old Plutocrats, Holy Huckster Hijinx, In Guns We Trust, Redneck Wisdom, SKYMart Bargains, Teabagging **it

Here’s a SKYMart product just in time for the holidays. Get it for that Jesus loving, gun waving, patriotic Teabagger in your life.

What’s more fun than perusing those in-flight shopping magazines and seeing fun products that everyone needs like ping pong ball cannons, solar powered face fans for your dog, and your very own life-size bronze sculpture of Simon Cowell…all on sale at exorbitant prices? Not much if you ask us. That’s why we’re teaming with SKYMart, America’s favorite in-flight crap merchant shopping mart, to bring you the best in people pleasing products. So break out your credit cards and prepare yourself for debilitating debt!

Just in time for the holidays…Nothing says Merry Christmas America more than this house size inflatable Jesus who is toting an AK-47 and wearing an American flag lapel pin. Prove how much you love America and hate the terrorists by buying the biggest inflatable on the block. As we all know, bigger is better, especially in America. This large, inflatable savior means business and will put the fear of God into all those secular humanists and atheists. Inflate with hot air only. From the leader in trendy, exploitative, expensive, patriotic goods, PatrioTrends. Sale Price: only $12,250.

 

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Jindal, Jangle, Jingle

October 28, 2011 bb_admin Articles:Political BS, Compassionate CONservatives, Con-a-thon 2012, Corporate States of America, Grand Old Plutocrats, In Guns We Trust, Neocon Media Circus

More Political BS…

Remember Republican Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal? Well he just won re-election by a landslide. Which has us here at the Bucket wondering if he’ll be the next Republican candidate to join in the fun that is Con-a-thon 2012. He was very highly touted by the GOP in 2009 until he gave his rebuttal to President Obama’s state of the union address. Could he be the next flavor of the month for the Republicans?  Here’s an article and photo-toon from our April 8, 2009 issue to refresh our memories.

Jindal Sez It’s Okay To Want Democrat Presidents To Fail

Republican Louisiana Governor, Bobby Jindal, who was widely panned by both parties for his less than stellar rebuttal to Obama’s State of the Union address, defended Rush Limbaugh and others who have openly wished President Obama to fail with his agenda at a recent press conference.

“Boys and girls of the United States of America,” said Jindal in a mild sing-song voice, wearing a casual red sweater, tie, slacks and sneakers. “We truly are living in exciting times aren’t we? We’ve got the very first African American President; we’ve got another thrilling season of American Idol; and our economy is on the verge of completely saying bye-bye. But you know what isn’t exciting? It’s when people say other people shouldn’t say things. And that’s what’s happening today boys and girls. Poor Republican party members like Boss Rush Limhogg are yelled at for saying innocent things like ‘I want President Obama to fail’. Poor Boss Limhogg. Poor Republicans. Why are we conservatives always the victim of mean attacks by the liberal media? That’s right boys and girls; like that sweet angel Ann Coulter says, the liberal media is bad and they’re out to get us.”

“Now I know what some of you liberals are thinking. You’re saying well didn’t Republicans say during the Bush presidency that we should always support the President no matter what? Didn’t the Republicans say things like ‘you’re either for us or against us’ or ‘people need to watch what they say’? Didn’t the Republicans say Democrats supported the terrorists? Well, yes but that was different. We had a great, brave, Republican President back then named George W. Bush. Yaaaaay! Now we have an evil, liberal, Democrat as President. Remember how bad President Clinton was? Booooooo! That means it’s perfectly okay for all good American boys and girls to say to the President, ‘You’re a liberal and you obviously hate America. Just look how much you made Glenn Beck cry. You’re a bad, bad man, so I hope you fail.’ It’s just that simple.”

“All us poor, persecuted Republicans are saying is that the only way to heal our nation’s boo-boos is with tax cuts. Yes boys and girls, tax cuts to the wealthiest of Americans are like medicine that will make all our owies better real soon. You see, rich people know best about spending and investing money, so they should have more of it. You shouldn’t have to worry your pretty little heads about something hard like investing. The smart, rich people will do that and the money will trickle down to you…in about 70 to 100 years. Giving money to dumb things like volcano monitoring and alternative transportation will only make us sad. And we want to be happy don’t we boys and girls? Besides who do you trust more: the big, bad, evil tax and spend liberal Democrat government…booooooo; or the nice, rich, corporate CEOs who only want a happy stock market…yaaaaaay! I think you all know the answer to that.”

Prominent Republicans voiced support for Jindal. Fox News personality Glenn Beck said, “This Jindal guy truly understands what it means to be a conservative Republican. I think St. Ronald Reagan would be proud. Oh God. Here I go again. I’m getting misty.” He then paused and wiped a small, small tear from his eye. “God Bless America. God Bless America.” Fellow Fox News personalities Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly rushed over and gave Beck a consoling hug. Then O’Reilly barked to the cameras, “Are you happy now, liberals?!”

Republican Party Boss, Rush Limhogg said, “I like this Jindal kid. He’s a good, useful little lackey. He knows his place. Hey! Steele! Get back here! You missed a spot on my boots. And take off your hat! I need an ashtray.”

Most conservative Republicans from all over the country responded favorably to Jindal’s statement. Todd Murphy of Rancid Holler, Georgia said, “Oh man I feel so…ummm…what’s the word I’m lookin’ fer…good. I mean I think that the Democrats are so …ummm…bad. But what Jindal done said, I think Republicans will do real….ummm…good.”

Pete Junkins of Curtisvilleton, Missouri said, “I like Jindal and all but I’m still gonna vote for Sarah Palin in 2012. I hear she hunts wolves in a bikini. Man that’s so hot!”

Jean Grayhill of Felderkarb, Tennessee said, “He talks to me like I’m an eight year old and you know what…I like it. The easier my leaders make it for me to understand, the better. I really don’t like thinking all that much. Oh look; a shiny nickel. I’m going to stare at it for a while.”

Reverend Fred Devlin of Dillweed, Virginia said, “I think with a Jindal-Palin ticket in 2012, we will most definitely see the Rapture. Come and get us Lord!”

Jeb Dean Bob Jones of Burnt Cesspool, Texas said, “All I know is I just got done watching Glenn Beck and I can’t stand to see a grown man fake cry like a little lady. I’m ready to join the revolution. President Chuck Norris of Texas forever! Where’s my AK-47? Yeeeeeee-haaaaaawwwww!”

Jindal closed his conference by saying, “Now everybody get to bed now and dream little dreams of fast cars, guns and Jesus. Sleep tight and don’t let the liberals bite.”

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal addresses the good little boys and girls of the United States on the Republican cure for all of our nation’s owies. Yay!

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