Tag Archive for baseball

Next Stop: The Big Show

We’re pretty sick of current events, especially the election. So, for a little change of pace, here’s another golden oldie article from our archive.

This is from our May 9, 2004 issue.

Little League Coach Eyes Major Leagues

Coach Marv Dvorak said yesterday that he suspects that he may be getting a call soon from a Major League club because of his club’s performance the last two seasons in the Cactus Corners Little League. His team, the Cubs, comprised of 10-12 year olds, has taken first place in their division each of the last two years.

“There’s no question about it,” said Dvorak. “They’re interested. I’m pretty sure I saw some scouts from the D-backs and Padres in the stands. And why not? I’m the best damn coach in the league. I can see it now. There I am standing in the third base coaching box in Bank One Ballpark, waving in Luis Gonzalez with the winning run.” He paused, chewed on his stale stogie for a moment, scratched his groin and continued. “I’m a natural.”

Many of the kid’s parents have mixed feelings about the coach’s methods. “He is a little hard on the boys,” said Blanche Lewis. “I believe kids need to learn sportsmanship at this age, not bloodlust. I mean he wants my little Jerry to spike the other boys when he’s sliding into bases. He tells the pitchers to throw at the batters. And I don’t know where he got the idea that the Majors are interested in him. I mean those men he thought were scouts work over at the DMV. They were just wearing D-backs and Padres hats. But don’t try and tell him that. He’s convinced his next stop is the Major Leagues.”

Jake Paulsen said, “He works the boys way too hard. My Justin is an honor roll student. He doesn’t have time for three-hour workouts, four times a week. He’s eleven years old and he’s burnt out already. And on top of that, because Justin’s such a Poindexter, Dvorak hardly plays him. That really gets my dander up!”

Mike Appleton agreed, “That guy needs to lighten up. When he’s hitting fielding practice, you should see some of the bullets he’s hitting. And if the boys don’t field it cleanly, he hits it harder to them the next time. If my kid wasn’t the starting second baseman, I might say something.”

The players seem to take Dvorak’s coaching in stride. Starting catcher, Tyler Green, said, “Sure he’s tough on us, but it’s tough love. Like last week when he called me a fat-ass tub of goo who couldn’t catch a cold, I knew he meant that in a good way.”

Dvorak dismissed any criticism. “There are some parents who call my coaching style extreme,” said Dvorak. “All I have to say to them is go screw yourselves you panty waists! My teams are winners.” Dvorak then stopped and barked a command out to one of his players who just got beaned in the face by a fastball. “Jackson! Quit loafing around! Stop your bleeding and get up off the ground, you wimp!”

Would Ya Just Hit Home Runs Already!

Continuing with our Sports BS…Now that the Super Bowl is over (congrats Giants fans) it’s just a few more weeks until baseball starts spring training. What better time to present an article from our August 16, 2007 issue concerning the national pastime. Over the past several years, the only thing that seems to matter anymore in baseball is if you can hit home runs. Forget strategy like getting on base, stealing second, maybe doing a hit and run. Forget hitting gappers to get maybe a double or triple: fundamental baseball is boring baseball. What matters is hitting a moon shot off the facade in deep center field. That will keep the fan’s attention… for a second or two.

Baseball Changes Rules; Only Home Runs To Count

With Barry Bonds breaking Hammerin’ Hank Aaron’s home run record, the popularity of the home run hitting contest in the All-Star Game and the overall emphasis on hitting dingers in today’s games, Major League Baseball has announced that starting next season, a new set of rules will be enforced essentially making the game nothing but a home run contest.

MLB spokesman, Biff Baker, said in a press conference last week, “Basically, we’ve been contemplating this move for the last five or six years. The young players today aren’t interested in getting singles, doubles or triples. And let’s not even mention walks. Boring! No, today’s players want the most money with the minimum effort. Running bases and playing defense is for suckers. The event that seems to get everyone jazzed is the big knock, the dinger, the tater, the big enchilada, the home run. The players like to hit them and the fans like seeing them. So why not cut out all that other crap and make the game a home run hitting contest. We eliminate the pitcher and just place a washed up old hurler out there to throw gopher balls. Then the team that hits the most home runs in 27 at bats wins the game. No running. No diving. No athleticism, period. Of course, this means that players can now play well into old age and we may even get some elite softball players in. This also means that we’ll expand our teams to every major city over 50, 000 people in the nation. Purists are going to be plenty pissed about this move, but Americans must understand: Baseball is no longer a sport; it’s a business. Therefore, we’ve got a bottom line to protect and that bottom line is profit for guys like me.”

Barry Bonds reveled in the new rules. “This is so great. Now I can play until I’m 90. I can make sure no one will ever break my home run record. But just for insurance, I’ll give old Greg Anderson a call for some ‘magic’ cream.”

However, Hank Aaron announced that he will be coming out of retirement to regain his home run record. “I’ve got news for that pumped up freak Bonds. The Hammer will be coming down on you, big time. I may be 73 years old but I know how to compete with the likes of you. That’s right. I’m giving Greg Anderson a call for some ‘magic’ cream.”

Light hitting shortstop Danny Rivera, said, “Oh man. I’m screwed. I’ve never hit a major league homer in my life. I’ve made a living on my fielding and my speed. Looks like I’ll be giving Greg Anderson a call for some ‘magic’ cream.”

Old timer, Spanky McDougal, who played left field for the Washington Senators back in the 30s, said, “This is a crying shame. They’re ruining the grand game of baseball. Why back in my day, we smoked and drank and cursed and swore and chased women, got a couple of hours of sleep, played a double header, went out on the town and smoked and drank and cursed and swore and chased woman…wait a second. What were we talking about?”

Fans had mixed reactions to the announcement. Jim Costello, of Seattle, Washington said, “This is a great move! I love the home run. It’s over in a second, is awe-inspiring and leaves a powerful impact on those who see it…Just like the ol’ Jim meister in the sack. Am I right ladies?”

Curtis Jamieson, of Yuma, Arizona said, “I think it’s great because Yuma will have a major league team now and since I’m one of the leading softball players in town, I’m gonna get a chance to play in the major leagues. So you see, eating donuts and drinking beer is good for you. In your face, health food fanatics.”

Indian transplant Raja Nandakumar, of Charlotte, North Carolina said, “Please. Baseball is so boring. For me the most exciting game in the world is cricket. When Charlotte gets a cricket team, give me a call.”


Imagine No Announcers

More Sports BS… Remember several years ago, when one of the major networks broadcasted a football game without any announcers. What a fantastic idea! Really, is there anything more annoying than these so called ‘experts’ and ‘pundits’ offering their colorful take on every situation during the game? The list of tolerable sports announcers has dwindled so much over the years that we’d rather have no announcers. If only Vin Scully could broadcast every game.

Local Sportscasting Legend Retires; Known For ‘Colorful’ Metaphors

Local Sportscasting legend Jack Brock, a fixture at Cactus Corners television station KQCK the past thirty years, has announced his retirement. Brock has been doing the ten o’clock sports, the Sunday Night Sports show Jock-a-holics and the color commentary for KQCK radio coverage of spring training games for almost thirty years. However, rumor has it that management has pressured Brock to retire due to the declining quality of his remarks especially his metaphors, which often bordered on tasteless.

Station manager Darrin Sprague said, “Jack Brock has served the community well these past thirty years. But his commentary has become, how shall I say, a little too colorful.  We feel this move is best for everybody, especially our legal department.”

KQCK play by play announcer Tony Loman defended Brock. “The man is a legend! He played Major League Baseball for Pete’s sake. So he played five games and struck out all ten times he batted; he still made it to the big show. You got to give him props for that. I think that gives him the right to reel off all those folksy witticisms that seem to annoy everyone else on the planet. He’s like a poor man’s Yogi Berra; a very, very, very poor man’s Yogi Berra.”

“Come on,” said statistician Mark Clark. “The guy’s a fossil! Everybody says ‘Oh, he’s a legend. Everything he says is a pearl.’ The guy’s just a perverted old codger who hates everything and everybody. Why this spring I dug up some fantastic stats on Barry Bonds’ extra base hits while on steroids and handed it to him so he could relay the information to all our loyal fans. How did he thank me? He takes a look at it and calls me gay because I spend all my time looking up stats. Then he tosses it out of the broadcasting booth and into the stands. So what if I’m a single, thirty five year old who still lives with his parents and I dream about earned run average, on base percentage and slugging percentage instead of women; is that so abnormal? Wait… don’t answer that.”

Several fans took time to remember their favorite Brock quotes from over the years. John Flanders said, “My favorite Brockism is the time he was talking about Livan Hernandez, who was a pitcher for the Giants at the time. He said he’s got more pitches than a horny sailor picking up a hooker on shore leave. What a great visual!”

Ken Gray said, “I liked it when he was talking about all the foul tips hit off Mike Piazza’s mask over the years. He said he’s had more balls in his face than Paris Hilton. Pure class all the way!”

Tom Willard said, “I think my favorite Brock moment was back when big ol’ Ted ‘Bull’ Linderman was doing play by play back in the ‘80s. Well, this light hitting shortstop named Tony Ferrara hit a home run over the left field fence and was zipping around the bases full speed. He was back at home plate before you knew it and Jack commented that Ferrara rounded the bases quicker than ol’ Bull does with his wife in the bedroom. Well, all you heard on the radio was lots of cursing, a big crash and plenty of static. Turns out ol’ Bull punched Brock’s lights out, knocked out a press box window, and hung Brock out by his belt loops on a rusty nail outside the press box right over the stands. Brock hung there all night screaming for help until finally a janitor felt sorry for him and got him down the next morning. Man, did he have a wedgie! Ol’ Bull quit after that game and joined the ice capades. And Brock…well he became a broadcasting legend.”

When asked on what he was going to do after retirement, Brock exclaimed, “What am I going to do? Goddammit, that’s a stupid question! I got one word for ya! Hookers! Lots of ‘em! I’m going down to Tijuana and do some color commentary in the ol’ boudoir, if you get my drift. So long suckers!”

Support Your Local Millionaires

It’s August and like the weather, the pennant races are heating up. Surprisingly, the Arizona Diamondbacks are in first place in the National League West. We applaud this plucky team, especially hard nosed manager Kirk Gibson. This was a group of slackers who, thanks to Gibson’s guidance, have decided to compete this summer. But we were reading an article in the local online rag, that since they were doing so well, the players expected more people to be attending the games. Attendance has been pretty mediocre for a first place team and some players and front office types were expressing disappointment that more people weren’t attending games. Are athletes and execs that far removed from the sufferings of average citizens? It’s not that people don’t want to come. It’s because they can’t afford to come. This is a bad economy. People are struggling just to pay their bills and keep their houses. And the seats at Chase Field are not cheap. Let’s say a family of four wants to attend a game and sit in seats close to the field down the third base line in left field. The tickets alone will cost over $100 dollars. And then there’s the concessions. A hot dog and coke will run you $10. If you include parking expenses, a day at the ol’ ball game will probably end up costing the family close to $200. Not quite like the good ol’ days. Oh well. On second thought, who are we to interfere with conventional wisdom and people’s priorities. So, go ahead and skip making your mortgage payment, paying your electric bill or eating and get out there and support your local millionaires! Maybe they’ll get a clue.

Sports fans will sacrifice anything in order to support their local millionaires.


Top All Time Baseball Nicknames

It’s midsummer and the baseball season is in full swing. Pennant races are heating up, the Hall of Fame has just inducted Roberto Alomar, Bert Blyleven and former GM Pat Gillick and players and fans are preparing for another exciting playoff season culminating in the fall classic World Series. Which brings to mind one of our favorite BilgeBucket Lists from March 13, 2005.

The Boys of Summer are known for their quirky nicknames, such as ‘Dizzy’ Dean, ‘Hammerin’ Hank Aaron, ‘Yogi’ Berra and Stan ‘The Man’ Musial. In honor of America’s favorite pastime, the BilgeBucket staff has decided to reprint our list of the best baseball nicknames of all time.

  • Lenny ‘Stinking Drunk’ Peterson
  • Bob ‘Puddinhead’ Wilson
  • Dave ‘Knucklehead’ Jenson
  • Ted ‘Cokehead’ Kowalski
  • Randy ‘Big Unit’ Johnson
  • Gary ‘Tripod’ Brown
  • Jerry ‘Two Inch Penis’ Mullins
  • Joe ‘Sheep Fucker’ MacDougal
  • ‘Assless’ Fred Markham
  • Henry ‘Superfluous Third Nipple’ Jones
  • Terry ‘Elephant Balls’ Smith
  • Harry ‘Roid Boy’ Engelwood
  • Kenny ‘Back Door’ Norton
  • ‘Shoeless’ Joe Jackson
  • ‘Sandals’ Sam Stone
  • ‘High Heel Pumps’ Dan Duvall
  • Dennis ‘Unserviceable Scrap Materials’ Sanders
  • Twinkletoes ‘Harold’ McGee