Republican Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich has officially commenced the second destruction of his campaign just as polls showed him rising from the ashes from his first disintegration and leading the other GOP hopefuls in Con-a-thon 2012. He recently was quoted as saying that the current child labor laws are stupid and that he would change them as soon as he could if he were President. Hey, we couldn’t agree more. We should return to those halcyon days of the 19th century when labor laws were lax and children were poor and hungry enough to work for a pittance or if they’re really industrious, a cup of gruel. The earlier a child, a.k.a worker drone, realizes that the only purpose for their existence is spending his or her life as an insignificant cog in the machinery of the Corporate States of America, the better off he or she will be. It’s compassionate conservatism, folks. Just accept it and don’t ask questions.
Since Newtie has entered tin foil hat territory, we’re wondering who will be the next flavor of the month for the Republicans? Will it finally be Spiff Romney?(Not bloody likely!) Or will Ms. Ubetcha announce her candidacy after much reflection and encouragement from her Tea Party Patriots? This is better than a Mexican telenovela. Stay tuned America!
GOP candidate and 19th century aficionado, Newt Gingrich, has made the astute observation that children spend far too much time playing and should instead be preparing themselves for a life of corporate drudgery as a wage slave.
Fox News, a.k.a. the Republican Propaganda Network, shows why they are so…eh-hem… respected in the world of journalism. Fair and unbalanced reporting at it’s finest folks!
Fox News shows why they are the epitome of journalistic integrity with their stunning analysis of the Occupy Wall Street protesters.
According to new polls, the new GOP flavor of the month is Newtie Fruitie Gingrich. Gingrich? Really? Haven’t we been down this path before? No matter, the laughs just keeps on coming! The Republicans just don’t want to pick Mitt(Spiff) Romney do they. But we have no doubt that Newtie will do or say something stupid to deflate his poll numbers again. Hmmmm, if Mr. Conservative Family Values makes it to the White House do you think he’ll dump the Snow Queen and get a new trophy wife? He’s got a track record folks. Just sayin’.
GOP conservative candidate Newt Gingrich assures America that the only surge he'll make is into Tiffany's.
Con-a-thon 2012 Republican front runner, Herman Cain, author of plan 999 from outer space, has had a bad couple weeks. Several women have come forward with allegations of sexual harassment by the former pizza magnate. Of course, Cain, Boss Limhogg and all the GOP blowhards from Fox News have not only denied all charges but have launched attacks against the victims. Did he sexually harass these women? We don’t know, but it sure is interesting watching Mr. Cain come up with explanations.
GOP candidate Herman Cain announces that a recent allegation of sexual harassment was just a misunderstanding and that he was just explaining to one of his many female admirers how he once made a pizza at a Republican fundraiser.
Remember Republican Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal? Well he just won re-election by a landslide. Which has us here at the Bucket wondering if he’ll be the next Republican candidate to join in the fun that is Con-a-thon 2012. He was very highly touted by the GOP in 2009 until he gave his rebuttal to President Obama’s state of the union address. Could he be the next flavor of the month for the Republicans? Here’s an article and photo-toon from our April 8, 2009 issue to refresh our memories.
Jindal Sez It’s Okay To Want Democrat Presidents To Fail
Republican Louisiana Governor, Bobby Jindal, who was widely panned by both parties for his less than stellar rebuttal to Obama’s State of the Union address, defended Rush Limbaugh and others who have openly wished President Obama to fail with his agenda at a recent press conference.
“Boys and girls of the United States of America,” said Jindal in a mild sing-song voice, wearing a casual red sweater, tie, slacks and sneakers. “We truly are living in exciting times aren’t we? We’ve got the very first African American President; we’ve got another thrilling season of American Idol; and our economy is on the verge of completely saying bye-bye. But you know what isn’t exciting? It’s when people say other people shouldn’t say things. And that’s what’s happening today boys and girls. Poor Republican party members like Boss Rush Limhogg are yelled at for saying innocent things like ‘I want President Obama to fail’. Poor Boss Limhogg. Poor Republicans. Why are we conservatives always the victim of mean attacks by the liberal media? That’s right boys and girls; like that sweet angel Ann Coulter says, the liberal media is bad and they’re out to get us.”
“Now I know what some of you liberals are thinking. You’re saying well didn’t Republicans say during the Bush presidency that we should always support the President no matter what? Didn’t the Republicans say things like ‘you’re either for us or against us’ or ‘people need to watch what they say’? Didn’t the Republicans say Democrats supported the terrorists? Well, yes but that was different. We had a great, brave, Republican President back then named George W. Bush. Yaaaaay! Now we have an evil, liberal, Democrat as President. Remember how bad President Clinton was? Booooooo! That means it’s perfectly okay for all good American boys and girls to say to the President, ‘You’re a liberal and you obviously hate America. Just look how much you made Glenn Beck cry. You’re a bad, bad man, so I hope you fail.’ It’s just that simple.”
“All us poor, persecuted Republicans are saying is that the only way to heal our nation’s boo-boos is with tax cuts. Yes boys and girls, tax cuts to the wealthiest of Americans are like medicine that will make all our owies better real soon. You see, rich people know best about spending and investing money, so they should have more of it. You shouldn’t have to worry your pretty little heads about something hard like investing. The smart, rich people will do that and the money will trickle down to you…in about 70 to 100 years. Giving money to dumb things like volcano monitoring and alternative transportation will only make us sad. And we want to be happy don’t we boys and girls? Besides who do you trust more: the big, bad, evil tax and spend liberal Democrat government…booooooo; or the nice, rich, corporate CEOs who only want a happy stock market…yaaaaaay! I think you all know the answer to that.”
Prominent Republicans voiced support for Jindal. Fox News personality Glenn Beck said, “This Jindal guy truly understands what it means to be a conservative Republican. I think St. Ronald Reagan would be proud. Oh God. Here I go again. I’m getting misty.” He then paused and wiped a small, small tear from his eye. “God Bless America. God Bless America.” Fellow Fox News personalities Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly rushed over and gave Beck a consoling hug. Then O’Reilly barked to the cameras, “Are you happy now, liberals?!”
Republican Party Boss, Rush Limhogg said, “I like this Jindal kid. He’s a good, useful little lackey. He knows his place. Hey! Steele! Get back here! You missed a spot on my boots. And take off your hat! I need an ashtray.”
Most conservative Republicans from all over the country responded favorably to Jindal’s statement. Todd Murphy of Rancid Holler, Georgia said, “Oh man I feel so…ummm…what’s the word I’m lookin’ fer…good. I mean I think that the Democrats are so …ummm…bad. But what Jindal done said, I think Republicans will do real….ummm…good.”
Pete Junkins of Curtisvilleton, Missouri said, “I like Jindal and all but I’m still gonna vote for Sarah Palin in 2012. I hear she hunts wolves in a bikini. Man that’s so hot!”
Jean Grayhill of Felderkarb, Tennessee said, “He talks to me like I’m an eight year old and you know what…I like it. The easier my leaders make it for me to understand, the better. I really don’t like thinking all that much. Oh look; a shiny nickel. I’m going to stare at it for a while.”
Reverend Fred Devlin of Dillweed, Virginia said, “I think with a Jindal-Palin ticket in 2012, we will most definitely see the Rapture. Come and get us Lord!”
Jeb Dean Bob Jones of Burnt Cesspool, Texas said, “All I know is I just got done watching Glenn Beck and I can’t stand to see a grown man fake cry like a little lady. I’m ready to join the revolution. President Chuck Norris of Texas forever! Where’s my AK-47? Yeeeeeee-haaaaaawwwww!”
Jindal closed his conference by saying, “Now everybody get to bed now and dream little dreams of fast cars, guns and Jesus. Sleep tight and don’t let the liberals bite.”
Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal addresses the good little boys and girls of the United States on the Republican cure for all of our nation’s owies. Yay!
Here’s some political BS from our March 7, 2009 issue.
Talk Radio Personality Rush Limbaugh took a bold step last week at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in Washington D.C. and proclaimed himself head of the Republican party. Limbaugh, sporting a black cowboy hat and southern style suit, announced that he would know like to be known as Boss Limhogg to which the crowd of sycophantic Republicans howled with an approving “gkew-gkew-gkew”.
“My fellow conservatives,” croaked Limhogg. “Remember back during the Iraq War when I said that we should never criticize the President and how un-American that would be. Well, screw that! We are the last bastions of true patriotic Americans and it is our duty to make sure that President Barack Hussein Obama, the magic Negro, fails at everything he does as President. He doesn’t truly represent Americans; he wasn’t even born in this country. His socialist agenda would be catastrophic for our poor bankers and Wall Street CEOs who are fighting valiantly to preserve the plutocracy that we’ve worked so hard to establish. He even wants to help those homeowners who were stupid enough to take those risky loans instead of the money lenders who bravely offered them. Why it’s the second coming of Stalin I tells ya!”
New RNC Chairman Michael ‘Roscoe’ Steele was the first to acknowledge Limbaugh’s unquestioned superiority. “I apologize for ever saying Mr. Limhogg was ugly or even worse, an entertainer. He’s the finest American I know and I am proud to be his right hand flunkey. Gkew-gkew-gkew!”
Georgia GOP Representative, Phil Gingrey, who openly criticized the radio personality in January, offered nothing but flattery. “I’m so sorry about ever saying anything negative about Boss. You’re the smartest person ever and I’ll always ask your advice on every issue from now on. I love you Rush, I truly do! Oh please forgive me Rush! Please oh please oh please! Gkew-gkew-gkew!”
Many big names in the Republican Party raved about the new Boss. Former disgraced Republican Congressman Tom Delay praised Limhogg loudly and strongly. “Boss Limhogg is a great role model and I know all about role models since I am one. Every American should want to be like Rush: overweight, obnoxious, crass, rude, hypocritical, egotistical, and drug addicted. Why the world be a lot better place if we were. Gkew-gkew-gkew!”
Evangelist Pat Robertson said, “Why if Jesus Christ was right here in front of me, which he hopefully will be very soon, he’d be saying that Rush is what Christianity is all about. Gkew-gkew-gkew!”
Former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani gushed, “I love Rush’s makeover. He looks like Boss Hogg and Johnny Cash all in one. I can see why he gets all the babes. Why if I were dressed up like a woman right now, I’d be all over that stylish tub of goo. Gkew-gkew-gkew!”
Dittoheads also expressed their support for Boss Limhogg. Cletus Dillman of Scarlet Thorax, Texas said, “I can’t stand the idea of being socialist. Everyone being equal and sharing things? As a Christian, I find that idea very offensive.”
Farley Kerwood of Beetle Meadows, Georgia said, “Ugggh. Rush good. Obama bad. Me hungry. Me want beer.”
Darryl Hull of Rebel Falls, Mississippi said, “I listen to Boss Limhogg everyday and I think he is such a regular guy. I would love to get together with El Rushbo and have a beer with him. That is if he ever steps foot outside his Palm Beach mansion or gets off the golf course at his country club. But I’m sure he’d acknowledge my presence.”
Boss Limhogg then dismissed his fawning minions. “In closing, we’ve got to get those Obama boys and keep our moonshine…er…money safe for all of Hazzard Coun…er…I mean the United States of America. Now everyone form a line so that you may come up here and kiss my ass” to which the audience gave a resounding “gkew, gkew gkew”.
New self-appointed Republican head honcho Boss Limhogg, dressed stylishly in his Boss Hogg/Johnny Cash ensemble, keeps his lackey, new RNC Chairman Michael "Roscoe" Steele in line.
The big question on the blogosphere these days is which protest group is the one true protest group that America can embrace and call its own, the Occupy Wall Street movement or the Teabaggers. While it has been been reported that some Teabaggers actually showed up to show their support, most have been complaining that the OWS movement is nothing like their sparkling example of how a true, red-blooded, American protest group should act. Could it be that the Teabaggers are green with envy besides being green with cash from corporate backing? Will the real Patriots please stand up!
Cactus Corners Teabaggers Harold and Martha Kowalski respond with derision rather than solidarity for the Occupy Wall Street protesters.
The Occupy Wall Street movement has entered it’s fourth week and appears to be gaining strength. Demonstrations against Wall Street greed have broken out in many major cities. Even major media outlets have taken notice(albeit reluctantly). But of course, these demonstrators can’t compare to those darlings of patriotic protesters, the Teabaggers (we here at the Bucket choose to use their original moniker instead of their Foxified name, the Tea Party movement).
The Teabaggers have been quite a media sensation the last couple of years. This group of supposedly cheezed off ‘patriots’, supported by business interests and media outlets such as Fox News a.k.a The Republican Propaganda Network, have stated that they are against anyone paying more taxes(even the rich) and against socialized medicine (except Medicare) and against entitlement programs (except Social Security and corporate entitlements) and against socialism and for more christianity (forget that Jesus was a socialist). To anyone who doubts that this group is full of **it, it’s interesting that during the Bush administration, which increased the size of government, increased the deficit, increased military spending, and increased the national debt, these bastions of conservatism didn’t protest one bit. But the second, President Obama took the oath of office, these ‘patriots’ are all up in arms about fiscal responsibility. To top it off, their ideal person to solve all our problems is none other than … Ms. Ubetcha herself, Sarah Palin. Which also brings to mind, if the media is so ‘liberal’ like El Rushblo claims, then why was there a joint CNN/Teabagger debate for Republican candidates recently? We would think a ‘liberal’ media would be doing exactly to the Teabaggers what they’ve been doing to the Occupy Wall Street protesters and that would be ignoring them. Things that make you go hmmmmmmm.
The text in the word balloons in this photo-toon is actual verbiage from Teabagger protest signs. To see more examples of these insightful, intelligent, witty signs, click here. The Teabaggers write their own jokes by just being themselves.
Cactus Corner residents and Teabagger Patriots Harold and Martha Kowalski spew forth pearls of wisdom to their fellow patriots.
The evangelical christians have sure been showing their true ignorance lately with Pat Robertson and Michele Bachmann proclaiming that the east coast hurricanes and earthquakes are signs from God. Bachmann later recanted saying she was just jesting and that she has a fantastic sense of humor (well that statement made us howl with laughter). But what cracks us up here at the Bucket is religious conservatives’, especially GOP Presidential candidate Rick Perry, insistence that evolution is “just a theory” and that creationism should be taught in school on an equal footing with evolution. Of course they ignore that the Bible is a first century book of mythology and has tons of holes in it but we guess that’s just what’s called ‘faith’. Even Pope John Paul II said that evolution was “more than just a hypothesis.” But we like Biologist Richard Dawkins’ response to Rick Perry the best. Here’s the link.
Here’s one of our favorite photo-toons from our June 2, 2007 issue commemorating the opening of that bastion of ‘intelligent design’, the Creation Museum.
The Creation Museum, based on the teachings of the book of Genesis in the Bible, opened recently in Petersburg, Kentucky and contains such thought provoking, scientifically accurate displays as this one which depicts humans and dinosaurs co-existing peacefully in a sun-kissed, peachy keen world.
Republican Presidential candidate Mitt(or Spiff, as we at the Bucket call him) Romney was heckled, jeered and hooted at in Iowa the other day when he said in a speech that ‘corporations are people’. We applaud this fine gesture but we think, since there are many farms in the Hawkeye state, the people should have also heaved some manure at the ol’ Spiffster.
Speaking of heaving crap, in 2010, the Supreme Court said basically that ‘corporations are people, too’ when they ruled that corporations should not be limited in the amount of money they can contribute to political campaigns. So this means that corporate America can use their immense wealth to greatly influence elections so that lackeys(Teabaggers anyone?) who support their agenda(tax cuts anyone?) will get elected. This kind of government is called a plutarchy, which is a combination of plutocracy and an oligarchy. And a plutarchy pretty much means the average citizen is royally screwed.
Depending on your source, it’s estimated that 50-60% of corporations pay no income taxes. In 2009, companies like GE, Bank of America, Citigroup and Valero paid no income taxes whatsoever while making billions of dollars in profits. Now that’s patriotism! So much for that saying ‘with great power comes great responsibility’. Well, we say if ‘corporations are people, too’ then they can start paying more taxes. Teabaggers keep blathering about returning to the good ol’ days of the ’50s. How about the 90% tax rate that the top tier paid during the Eisenhower(Republican) administration for starters. That would surely jump start a lot of infrastructure projects. But then again our corporate overlords wouldn’t get their million dollar bonuses and we absolutely need our tycoons happy or else they won’t create jobs for us peons. The Corporate States of America: for the corporation by the corporation, with liberty and justice for plutocrats.
Supreme Court Justice John Roberts wears the new NASCAR inspired logo robes which will now be worn by all conservative justices.
