Tag Archive for saint

The Tragedy Of Clogged Prayer Lines

Pope Francis made Mother Teresa a saint this past week so now the catholic sheeple have yet another semi-deity to whom they can pray. Yay!

In honor of this nonsense, here’s another golden oldie article from our archives covering the tragedy that occurs when prayer lines get clogged. Oh the horror! The horror!

This is from our April 10, 2005 issue.

Prayer Lines Clogged For Schiavo, Pope

A crisis occurred last week in heaven when billions of people across the globe simultaneously prayed for Terri Schiavo and Pope John Paul II causing ancient prayer lines to temporarily clog, preventing many prayers from getting through to intended saints, angels, and deities.

Lead prayer center agent, Saint Sixtus said, “Jesus Christ, what a mess! Oops did I just use the Lord’s name in vain. Well, I’m sorry J.C! We’ve really got to update our technology here. I mean we might have been able to keep Terri Schiavo alive for a few more days if those prayers hadn’t been lost. Boy, St. Paul really chewed my butt out for that one.”

President Bush spoke on behalf of Jesus Christ. “People, we’re going to need to update these old prayer lines. I mean don’t you hate it when you pray for something and don’t get it? It hasn’t happened to me lately, but it’s still annoying. Why I was talking to God just this morning, and the connection was all garbled. I could have sworn he said to invade Iran. Now I can’t take chance on orders from the Big Guy, so I guess we’re going to have to invade Iran. The bottom line is, if we don’t help streamline prayer technology those terrorists prayers to Allah will get through quicker and then who knows what will happen. Fear, fear, fear! Terror, terror, terror!”

Reverend Eugene Bilkwell of the Fourth Evangelical Church of Latham, Louisiana said, “I’ve been predicting this for years. My brethren, we need to upgrade to PT1 or PT3 lines as soon as possible. This technology offers wider bandwidth so Christian prayers get through quicker than Muslim, Hindu or Jewish prayers and they have less of chance of getting dropped. But it’s going to take money folks and lots of it. So be sure and give generously to your church each and every week. We’ll make sure it gets to the right people in heaven. Remember – we’ve got better connections with the Man Upstairs because we’re holier than you disgusting, degenerate sinners.”

All signs seem to indicate the panic has subsided. Saint Sixtus said, “Well everything has calmed down for now. We were hitting spikes for the Michael Jackson trial, but traffic seems to have dropped off precipitously. Yeesh! I ain’t voting for that guy to get in here. But those crappy old Seraphim 1000 lines, that are as old as Methuselah, aren’t going to hold much longer, especially if Bush invades Iran. It’s going to be the apocalypse!” After a short pause, a perplexed Saint Sixtus remarked, “Are you sure this Bush guy is in good with Jesus? Because he really seems like a bonehead to me.”

The Saint Racket

Yet even more religious BS from our December 2, 2006 issue. This time we dare to criticize…cue the lightning and thunder… the catholic church. We think it’s pretty humorous that the head honchos in the catholic church are responsible for choosing saints and not God(not that we believe God exists). We would think that God would be more than capable of selecting the holiest of the holy for heavenly glory instead of letting humans select saints as if it were voting for some sports hall of fame. What are the requirements for sainthood? We think you need two miracles, 200 saved souls and 500 home runs but we could be wrong on that.

Dead Priest Misses Out On Sainthood Again

Recently, Pope Benedict XVI canonized five new saints while once again passing over former Missouri priest Fr. Buford Wiggins. Wiggins, died fifty years ago on a farm while attempting to stop the wedding of a man and his male cousin when he tripped into a moonshine still and triggered an explosion killing himself in the process. Wiggins, has become very distraught over the repeated snubbings.

“I’ve been sitting up here in the great beyond playing the banjo for half a century and I still gets no respect,” said Wiggins, puffing on a corncob pipe. “Whaddya gotta do to be a saint? Not to take anything away from that Reverend Cruchaga, but I worked with the young and the poor, too. But I got blown to kingdom come trying to stop the unsanctity of a gay wedding. Doesn’t that count for something? Goddamnit! Ooops! Good thing I’m already in heaven.”

Another rejectee, Brunhilda Von Mannheim, a devout schoolteacher in 1940’s Germany who was killed by the SS, said “I, too, am vexed by not being chosen. Come on. The new Pope is German. I thought I’d be a shoo-in. Shouldn’t the saint making process be done by God or some of the other saints here in heaven? Why should humans on a tiny little planet floating in galaxy ASPWQ12489393877, sector ZNCB8376676667368743887, quadrant LJJYW93439892877492 decide who gets to be the holiest of the holy? Quite frankly, I think the Grumplians on planet Felxnar in galaxy KDKLS889478923787, sector HWWEU834893888, quadrant RSBCX7673643628 are far better suited to choose saints. I know, my friend Yeep, who is a Grumplian, is highly upset that he isn’t a saint. He was strung up by his doobledorn for his beliefs. Humans don’t even know he even exists for that matter. It’s very frustrating for him.”

Heaven spokesman, St. Sixtus said, “People, people…calm down. Not everyone can be a saint okay. I know some of you died spectacular deaths and we appreciate it, we really do. But it’s a numbers thing okay. I tell you what. I’ll talk to J.C. and see if you people can’t get promoted to angel or something okay?”

Wiggins continued his rantings. “No one prays to me. I want people to start praying to Saint Buford of the Still. Well that tears it! It’s all a racket! That Pope John Paul bypasses me and now his buddy Benedict puts him on the fast track for sainthood. That Benedict wouldn’t know a real saint if he came up and flogged himself right in front of him. I tell you what. I know a few creatures up here. I’m going to get a whole bunch of Blovards from the planet Rigel BX10 in galaxy PEWKD843827492898, sector LMEUR763647626482, quadrant ILEJD3674264623877 and go down to Earth and do a little haunting at the Vatican. Those Blovards look like Roseanne Barr on steroids. That ought to put the fear of God in Pope Benny and get me sainted.”