Category: Compassionate CONservatives

Rewind: Sun ‘n Fun in Iraq

It’s time for another trip to yesteryear, back to those bucolic days in the summer of 2004, when Operation Iraqi Freedom a.k.a. the Iraq War, a.k.a the Slam Dunk was foundering into it’s second year, despite assurances from the Bush administration that all was well in the land of sand and oil. Now, thankfully, we’re out of Iraq and the Iraqis are left to administer their country on their own, even though sectarian violence continues and probably will continue until the country breaks out into an inevitable Civil War which has been building for a century. For a dry but informative read on the history of Iraq, pre-War, read Charles Tripp’s History of Iraq and see why we should have never gotten into this misadventure in the first place.

Here’s a photo-toon from our July 4, 2004 issue depicting Dubya’s rose colored glasses view of Iraq.

From President Bush's point of view, the new Iraq is a bright, rosy place chock full of fun and oil.

Speako Englisho

GOP presidential candidate and neo-Neanderthal , Rick “Google Me” Santorum, showed off his diplomatic skills Wednesday while campaigning in Puerto Rico, when he said that for Puerto Rico to become a state, they would have to embrace English as the primary language. Puerto Rico currently is a bilingual U.S. commonwealth and is voting in November on whether or not to pursue statehood. Spanish is also the primary language in the country because of it’s strong Spanish heritage and history. Of course, Santorum’s view is consistent with conservative Republican’s world view that everyone should speak English and Americans should only have to speak English everywhere they go, despite the fact that the majority of people in the Western Hemisphere speak Spanish.  His viewpoint reminds us of when Archie Bunker tried to speak Spanish on an episode of that classic 70’s sitcom, All in the Family. Pues, creemos que Santorum es un pendejo grande!

GOP candidate Rick 'Google Me' Santorum impresses the bilingual crowds in Puerto Rico with his command of the Spanish language.

Santorum, Kansas: Proudly Entering the Stone Age

It looks like Rick “Google Me” Santorum has won the Kansas caucuses in the sham that is… Con-a-thon 2012. Yes a whopping 1% of the population in Kansas cast their votes Saturday and Mr. Santorum tallied an impressive 15,000 votes. Wow! Can you feel the excitement?! It’s like the ‘Joe-Mentum’ of Joe Lieberman all over again.

Of course it’s not surprising that Santorum won Kansas given it’s recent history of supporting teaching creationism…oops…I mean ‘intelligent design’ in its schools alongside evolution. And according to creationism…oops…I mean ‘intelligent design’ the world is only a few thousand years old and stone age man roamed the earth with fun loving dinosaurs frolicking at their heels. Here’s a photo-toon from our December 7, 2005 issue. The cave man’s resemblance to Mr. Santorum is uncanny!

The U.S. Mint reissued a newly designed Kansas state quarter to reflect the Kansas Board of Education's decision to allow teaching intelligent design in science classrooms alongside evolution.

Boss Limhogg Endears Self to Women

Controversial, conservative radio talk show host and unofficial Republican party boss, Rush ‘Boss Limhogg’ Limbaugh, has opened his large mouth and gotten himself in hot water with women again. Last week, Limhogg went on a misogynistic rant against Georgetown law student, Sandra Fluke, who testified before a House Democratic Steering and Policy committee about the financial burden of contraception for female law students. Boss Limhogg called her a ‘slut’ and a ‘prostitute’ amongst other slurs on his show provoking outrage from many, including more centrist Republicans.

As a result, Limhogg’s radio show has lost a slew of sponsors. Does this spell the end of Boss Limhogg? Are you kidding?! This man is a conservative icon in the Republican party.  Although he ‘apologized’ to Fluke, he’s still ranting against her and women in general. This has happened tons of times before in the past twenty years. Look for nothing to change. After all, he is Boss Limhogg. We think this article over at Media Matters presents the Republicans relationship with Limhogg succinctly.

Unofficial GOP leader and female connoisseur, Boss Limhogg, reflects on the status of women in America.

The White Knight

It’s pretty obvious by the anemic turnout for the primaries and caucuses in the farce that is Con-a-thon 2012, that there are many Republicans who aren’t too thrilled with the four candidates that have survived thus far: Spiff Romney, Rick “Google Me” Santorum, Uncle Newtie Gingrich and that gruff ol’ Prospector Ron “I’m agin’ everything” Paul. Polls also indicate that President Obama would have an easy time beating any of these candidates. There are many articles on the mainstream media sites speaking of a brokered convention and a new ‘white knight’ candidate to ride in and rescue the party from ignominious defeat in November. Well we’ve discovered that a new candidate, who reflects the values of the most extreme conservative Republicans (who just so happen to have a stranglehold on the party), has stepped forward to change the fortunes of the GOP. Finally the ‘white knight’ has arrived!

A ‘White Knight’ candidate has emerged for the Republicans who embodies everything that the extreme right wing conservatives hold dear.

 

The Chariot Of The Gods

It’s time to look at another one of the jesters in the GOP clown car that is Con-a-thon 2012. Good ol’ Uncle Newtie Gingrich, the GOP flavor of the month not too long ago, sure has stuck his foot in it again. He recently suggested in a speech on the campaign trail that those who ride the subway in New York are elitist. That’s right. You’re always hearing about the rich and powerful arriving at their $10,000 dollar a plate dinners taking the Blue Line in from their Central Park penthouse apartments. It will be interesting to see all the tuxedo and gown clad stars at the upcoming Oscar festivities, getting out of their subway cars on the Metro Red Line and hoofing it over to the Kodak Theatre. Seriously, if anyone is still planning on voting for Gingrich, they should probably seek psychiatric help first.

GOP candidate Newt Gingrich and his wife Callista splurge and take a ride on the 'Chariot of the Gods' to their favorite store.

 

Get Back In The Kitchen!

Amazingly, former Senator Rick “Google Me” Santorum, is the leader again in the joke that is Con-a-thon 2012, ‘surging’ last week and taking the caucuses in Colorado and Minnesota and the Missouri primary. Of course, like previous primaries and caucuses, the turnout was anemic, though you’d never get that info from the mainstream media. Total votes cast in Missouri; about 270,000 or 4.4% of the total population. Total votes cast in Colorado; about 66,000 or 1.3% of the total population. Total votes cast in Minnesota; about 49,000 or 0.9% of the population. I don’t think anyone can say these candidates are thrilling anybody, except maybe the 1%ers.

It’s especially interesting that Santorum is leading again given his archaic views on not only women, but topics like immigration, education, defense, evolution and life in general. We already knew about his anti-choice and anti-contraception stances; all out of the dark ages. But recently he said that women aren’t equipped for combat either and even has questioned the value of women in the workplace. Of course, these views are in line with the conservative agenda, and in particular conservative catholics. How can contraception be a sin when there are now 7 billion people on the planet?!!! We think that since Newt Gingrich has proposed a moon base, maybe Rick Santorum should propose building a time machine and travel back to the period in history that is more appropriate for his way of thinking: the days when neanderthal man roamed the earth, which according to Santorum’s creationist dogma was only about six thousand years ago.

GOP candidate Rick 'Google Me' Santorum, enlightens the 2012 CPAC convention about woman's place in American society.

 

Rewind: Punxsutawny George

It’s Groundhog Day so we thought we’d flashback to those halcyon days of the Bush Administration. Remember how the Republicans were always trying to privatize Social Security and Americans threw bloody fits against their efforts? Oh, that’s right: they’re still doing it. This photo-toon, from our February 13, 2005 issue, shows Dubya, fresh from his ‘mandate’ victory in November 2004, injecting fear into the hearts of millions about the last days of Social Security.

President Bush gives his State of the Union address on Groundhog Day, predicting six more weeks until Social Security goes bankrupt, while Vice President Dick Cheney and Speaker of the House Dennis 'Jabba' Hastert show their approval.

Brewer Embarrasses Arizona…Again

You can just about set your watch by it these days: a conservative Republican politician in Arizona acts like an ass on the national and world stage. The long list includes former state senator Russell “I’m not a Nazi” Pearce, sheriff Joe “Just call me God” Arpaio, former congressman J.D. “Rush Jr.” Hayworth, Senator John “I gave the world Sarah Palin” McCain, former Governor Fife “I like cooking food and books” Symington, the king of crazy, former Governor Evan “blacks love being called pickaninnies” Meacham and the Republican slanted state legislature and its infamous “anti-immigration” bill SB 1070. Last week Arizona Governor Jan “Skeletor” Brewer greeted President Obama on the tarmac and had a testy exchange of words over her treatment of him in her new book and ended up wagging her bony forefinger at the President as if he were a school child and not the leader of this country. This from a woman who gave this unforgettably embarassing performance in the 2010 gubernatorial debates. Incredibly and even more embarrassingly, she won the election! Yep, there’s a lot of scary conservatives living here in Arizona. Getting back to the “showdown”, if former governor and current United States Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano would have greeted Dubya that way, Republicans would have been calling for her head on a platter.

At least the Guvnuh’s new book, “Scorpions for Breakfast: My Fight Against Special Interests, Liberal Media, and Cynical Politicos to Secure America’s Border” (yep, My Fight or Mein Kampf in German), got a fantastic boost in sales from her “showdown with Obama”. Or maybe, that’s why she did it in the first place. Hmmmm… Anyway, we here at the Bucket think that the desert heat may have cooked the Guvnuh’s brain liked a baked potato, especially with that tin foil hat she likes to wear.

Arizona Governor Jan "Skeletor" Brewer warns President Obama that he has entered the Kingdom o' Wingnuts and that he had better beware.

The Powah of Prayer

Here’s more religious BS from our September 10, 2007 issue, not long after Hurricane Felix slammed Central America killing 130 people and causing $720 million in damages.

Man Forgets To Pray; Causes Hurricane Felix

Members of the Fourth Evangelical Church have announced that they have found a suspect they believed caused Hurricane Felix. The church says that Gainesville, Florida resident, Dave Nielsen, caused the storm by neglecting to attend church and praying the Sunday before the hurricane hit Nicaragua and Honduras.

“We think that this man is responsible for that devastating hurricane that hit Central America because he didn’t come to church and pray this past Sunday,” said Pastor Jonathon Scheister. “Rumor has it that he was out drinking and womanizing Saturday night over at that den of sin, Gator Gulch, and was so tired he couldn’t drag his sorry behind out of bed to go and worship the Lord. There is no doubt in my mind that he caused this event, just as I’m sure all the gays and lesbians caused 9/11.”

Televangelist Maureen Kay said “Let this be a lesson to all of you, praise the Lord. Our Lord is a loving God, praise the Lord, but also a vengeful God, praise the Lord. You must put God first in your life, praise the Lord, and pray constantly or God will cause much pain and destruction, praise the Lord. Only by constantly acknowledging how great God is, praise the Lord, will the people of Earth be saved. Oh God, I hope I said enough praise the Lords. I better just repeat the phrase for another hour or so just to be safe. Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, praise the Lord…”

Thirty year old Nielsen said, “You gotta be kidding me! Hey, I worked a twelve hour shift Saturday over at the University laying concrete. I went out afterward with a few friends, shot some pool and had a few beers. I was zonked. I mean I worked 55 hours that week. I’ve got child support payments to make. I’ve got alimony to pay. I’ve got rent to pay. I’ve got insurance to pay. I’m sorry. Sometimes I just can’t make it to church. I’m sure Jesus would understand.”

Scheister took offense to Nielsen’s explanation. “How dare he say that Jesus would understand! He doesn’t know what Jesus thinks! I’m the pastor. I’m the only one in our church who truly understands what Jesus would do. I talk to Jesus all the time, just like our beloved President Bush and he tells me what is right and wrong. Like last night, Jesus said it was perfectly okay to use church funds to buy that new Armani suit for myself because if I’m going to sell the Lord’s word, I’ve got to look good, right? Hallelujah!”

When asked if Nielsen had indeed caused the Hurricane, heaven spokesperson St. Sixtus said, “Well we’ve traced our prayers in our prayer center and we’ve found that if we would’ve gotten one more prayer, say from one David J. Nielsen, God would’ve evaporated Hurricane Felix right there in the Caribbean-o. But noooooooooo. Mr. Beer Drinker, Mr. get-a-divorce-rather-than-stay-together-in-a-loveless-marriage, David J. Nielsen, had to skip church. So God done brung it. So don’t blame God, people of Central America; blame David J. Nielsen. And Bill Clinton, of course.”