Tag: conservative

Fiscal Priorities

Con-a-thon 2012 drags on and on and on….  Isn’t this election over yet? What’s really shocking about this election is the record amount of money spent on the elections. Thanks to the Citizens United decision by our supposedly enlightened Supreme Court, corporations can contribute the moon to buy the election for their favorite lackey, politician. Republican affiliated Super PACs alone are planning on spending one billion dollars on the election. Democrats are estimated to spend anywhere from 100-400 million dollars. Wow!  What’s pathetic is that this money could be spent on something more constructive like building infrastructure, paying off America’s debt or … I don’t know…creating jobs and sorry, we don’t consider election jobs real jobs even though nowadays the election cycles seem perpetual. Is this country broken??? Nahhhhhh. Just donate to your nearest Super PAC and don’t worry your pretty little heads about it. The ‘job creators’ are taking care of everything.

MegaloCorpBank CEO J. Charles Harrington IV, explains the American election process to a clueless, middle class peon.

Guns, Guns, Guns

In light of the recent event in Colorado, it may be time to revisit the Assault Weapon Ban, which was signed into law in 1994 and expired in September 2004. Seriously, do we really need assault weapons to hunt quail?

Here’s an article from our September 26, 2004 issue.

Terrorists Approve Lifting Of Assault Weapon Ban

Terrorists and gun nuts alike from across the globe are applauding the expiration of the sale of assault weapons in the United States. The ban, signed into law in 1994, prevented the sale of weapons like AK-47, Colt AR15s, and UZIs from being sold over the counter at gun dealerships.

“Wow!” said Al-Qaeda operative, Abdul Al-Zaqawi. “This makes my job so much easier. Now I don’t have to worry about sneaking weapons past security checkpoints. I just enter the country through the porous borders and buy my weaponry here. What a country! I wonder if I can get a grenade launcher?”

Presidential Candidate John Kerry expressed concern about the ban lift, stating that most Americans support the ban and that the failure to renew the law is a blatant handout to the pro-Republican gun lobby led by the National Rifle Association (NRA). Kerry said, “George Bush chose to make the job of terrorists easier and make the job of America’s police officers harder, and that’s just plain wrong.”

NRA members scoffed at Kerry’s statements. Justin Martin of Plain River, Iowa, said, “America is all about owning a gun and John Kerry just doesn’t understand that. I need my assault weapon for hunting. You really can’t kill a quail effectively without an UZI.”

Darryl Cooder, of Scarlet Thorax, Texas, said, “Alls I know is that John Kerry hates America. If he thinks I’m gonna give up my assault weapon, he’s got another think coming. I’d rather sleep with my AK-47 than my wife. Hell, I’d marry my gun if I could. Maybe I’ll support that queer marriage thing after all.”

NRA president Charlton Heston, exuberantly proclaimed, “Guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns!”

Al-Qaeda Terrorist Mohammed Saif Abdullah expressed not only support for the ban lift, but also for President Bush. “I don’t know why Dick Cheney thinks that Al-Qaeda wants John Kerry to win the election,” he said. “Thanks to George Bush and his invasion of Iraq, we are able to recruit more and more people every day from all over the Muslim world. We are also making progress in winning back Afghanistan. And just look at the gift George Bush just gave us! Maybe we can still get some nuclear weapons. I mean after all, he missed Pakistan giving nuclear secrets to North Korea and Iran. Four more years! Four more years!”

Rewind: WMDs Found?

Remember when they found the WMDs responsible for leading America to invade Iraq and start the Iraq War which lasted eight years, cost almost a trillion dollars, and killed (depending on your source) between 100,000 and 1 million people? Oh, that’s right…they never found them. Huh, guess we got taken for a ride by ol’ Dubya and company didn’t we. But surely nothing bad has or will result from it, right?

Oh well, here’s a photo-toon from our October 28, 2006 issue which shows the Bush administration finding the WMDs in a most unexpected place.

Thanks to the recent satellite photos of Mars and the rover, Opportunity, the Bush administration has announced that they have finally found the weapons of mass destruction and that we must invade Mars immediately to spread freedom and democracy to the Martians.

The New Faces of Crazy

The United States Mint has decided to re-issue the Arizona state quarter in honor of the state’s centennial. Instead of depicting the natural beauty of the state like they did the first time with the Grand Canyon, they’ve decided to represent the wacky right wing politicians who have commandeered this state and are now ramming their conservative agenda down our throats. Yes, nothing represents the new faces of crazy like Governor Jan “Skeletor” Brewer, Sheriff Joe “Just call me God” Arpaio and former state senator Russell “I’m not a Nazi” Pearce.

The United States Mint has issued a new state quarter for Arizona in honor of it's centennial featuring Governor Jan "Skeletor" Brewer, Sheriff Joe "Just call me God" Arpaio and former state senator Russell "I'm not a Nazi" Pearce.

Oinkings from Singapore

Recently, Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin renounced his U.S. citizenship, to reside in Singapore, because he didn’t want to pay income taxes on his billions of dollars. What a patriot!  To their credit, two senators decried this and announced that he would still have to pay taxes and could be barred from re-entering the country. However, there were several right-wing conservative Republicans who defended his take-the-money-and-run capitalist pig style. No doubt they’ve got their money in off shore tax havens just like the GOP presidential candidate, ol’ Spiff Romney. Way to support America’s infrastructure, guys!

Facebook co-founder, Eduardo Saverin, who now resides in Singapore, sends oinkings to all the Americans who made him a billionaire.

The Supreme CON

The big news this past week was definitely the passing of the Affordable Care Act(ACA) a.k.a. Obamacare, which should be good news for all Americans, especially those who don’t have any insurance. Surprisingly, the ACA was passed as being constitutional by a 5-4 vote. Even more shocking though was that it was Chief Justice John Roberts who cast the deciding vote instead of the usual swing voter, Judge Anthony Kennedy. Media pundits all over the web have hailed that Judge Roberts has saved the court from being seen as the judicial branch of the Republican party with his reportedly last minute decision to go against the grain. Really??  This man thinks corporations are people!  Roberts hasn’t changed. We think this vote was just a bone being thrown to the public and he took one for Team GOP. After all, although the health insurance industry will have to change it’s ways(i.e. no more denying coverage to people with pre-existing conditions, spending 80% of the customers premium dollars on actual medical care, etc…), it still is getting 50 million more customers thanks to the law’s mandate (oops…tax). Besides, the individual mandate was originally a Republican idea (they were for it before they were agin’ it). When you consider Justice Scalia’s rant on the SB1070 dissent and Justice Kennedy’s surprising vicious dissent on Obamacare, you really can’t trust the Court especially when it’s loaded with right wing, activist judges. It means that in the future, on potentially contentious cases, the conservatives will continually point to Obamacare as proof that they aren’t political. Then they will proceed to decide like the GOP judicial branch that they are. Yep, Washington D.C. still stinks like cow patties on a hot summer day folks.

Chief Justice John Roberts basks in the afterglow of his decision to save the Supreme Court from itself with the passing of the Affordable Care Act.

 

SCOTUS Interruptus

The Supreme Court decided by a 5-3 decision Monday to disallow the majority of Arizona’s unenforceable SB1070 anti-immigration law, written by former Arizona state senator, Russell “I’m not a Nazi” Pearce, and signed into law by Governor Jan “Skeletor” Brewer back into 2010. But what we found disturbing was that the heart of the law, the stopping of ‘suspected’ illegal immigrants, was upheld. This was the most controversial part of the law because it doesn’t define what an illegal immigrant looks like. This doesn’t matter to the proponents of this law because in their mind an illegal immigrant is Hispanic. The enforcement of this law will open up the state to lawsuit after lawsuit with justifiable complaints of racial profiling. We can only guess as to what kind of suggestions the fertile mind of ‘patriot’ Russell Pearce will come up with for further enforcement of this law.

Former Arizona state senator Russell "I'm not a Nazi" Pearce suggests to Arizona Governor Jan "Skeletor" Brewer a possible way to enforce anti-immigration law SB1070, which he authored.

Temporarily Embarrassed Millionaires

Author John Steinbeck famously observed that “Socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves not as an exploited proletariat but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires.” We think this insightful comment best explains why anybody in the United States would vote for putting Republicans back in charge of the country after eight disastrous years of Bushonomics (tax cuts for the rich, spend the country into bankruptcy and the middle class foots the bill). Oh, that’s right. Spiff Romney is rich and he’ll make us all rich, too. Ah, the trickle down myth lives on!

A couple of temporarily embarrassed millionaires contemplate their march to grandeur under a Spiff Romney presidency.

Ugh. You Choice? Here Choice!

Back in 2006, South Dakota, passed an abortion law that banned abortions even in case of rape and incest. Fortunately, the law was repealed by a voter referendum in November 2006. Did that deter those South Dakota Republicans who feel it it is their responsibility to police women’s uteruses? Not on your life. They passed a tough law last year that lengthens the waiting period for an abortion to three days and to receive counseling (from a religious center of course).

Here’s a photo-toon from our March 17, 2006 issue showing the new state quarter which depicts the only choice possible for a South Dakota woman who may want to terminate her pregnancy.

The U.S. Mint reissued a newly designed South Dakota state quarter to reflect South Dakota's recent ban of abortion even in the case of rape or incest.

 

Conservatives Without Conservation

We read an article online ranking the worst environmental presidents in history and to no one’s surprise, ol’ Dubya ranked as the worst. And not surprisingly, many Republican presidents were equally as bad (St. Ronald Reagan was 2nd). There’s not a lot of conservation in today’s conservative. Why can’t more Republicans see the environment like Teddy Roosevelt did: something to be preserved for future generations to enjoy. Oh that’s right: there’s money to be made.

Here’s an article from our August 14, 2003 issue, back when Dubya was in favor of corporate sponsorship of our National Parks. Talk about putting the wolves in the sheep pen.

Exxon-Mobil To Sponsor Yellowstone Park

As part of President Bush’s plan to outsource federal jobs to the private sector, Yellowstone National Park will now be sponsored by Exxon-Mobil.

“We are very pleased with this development,” said President Bush. “This will cut federal costs and will result in the park running more efficiently.” He paused and then added, “Oh and we’ll also get to drill for more Texas tea.”

Exxon-Mobil spokesman, Walter B. Jamieson said, “This will be the greatest park in the world. We’ll put in some roller coasters, five star hotels, and world class shopping. Of course, the wildlife will be perfectly preserved. They’ll be placed in zoos. And get this, the kids will get to pet, feed and kill their own buffaloes. What a deal!”

Yellowstone visitor, eight year old, Kimmy Taylor was excited about the new park. “This park is so boring now. I can’t wait to ride the new rides, play arcade games and plug a buffalo.”

Exxon-Mobil employees will be stationed throughout the park, guiding tourists to shopping, pointing out old points of interest and explaining why privatization of national parks is a good, necessary, patriotic thing to do.

Park officials also plan to open up drill sites to tourists so they can see a good old fashioned oil strike. “If you think Ol’ Faithful was something,” said Jamieson. “Wait until you get a load of a gusher spurting that beautiful black gold into the air. Oh God! Oh God!!! What a sight!!!!” Jamieson then excused himself and went to the bathroom to masturbate.

Other proposed corporate sponsorships include: Georgia-Pacific Redwood National Park, Texaco Zion National Park, and Phelps Dodge Grand Canyon National Park.