Continuing with our RNC 2004 retrospective…
We can honestly say the Bush twins were the highlight of the convention. That speaks volumes.
RNC 2004: Like Father, Like Daughters
Tag: Bush
RNC 2004: Zellzapoppin
Continuing with our RNC 2004 retrospective…
Remember when then Democrat, Zell Miller, made headlines by attending the Republican Convention and then exciting the crowd by saying if John Kerry had his way, he’d outfit the army with spitwads. Fun times! And then remember his meltdown when Chris Matthews called him on it. Hilarious! What’s even funnier is that the Republican sheeple actually believed Miller and voted to put Dubya back into office for four more years of mind-numbing incompetence. And what has Zell Miller been doing since he’s left office. Well, he supported Newt Gingrich’s candidacy in Con-a-thon 2012 and is a contributor on the Republican Propaganda Network a.k.a Fox News. Nuff’ said.
Rewind: The King of Gaffes
Mitt the Twit (or Spiff as we call him) Romney’s recent gaffes in Europe remind us of another Republican who goofed up regularly on the world stage. Ol’ Dubya was always good for a laugh and a master at sticking his feet in his mouth, sometimes both at the same time.
Here’s a photo-toon from our March 17, 2006 issue that depicts one of Dubya’s more dubious moments.
Guns, Guns, Guns
In light of the recent event in Colorado, it may be time to revisit the Assault Weapon Ban, which was signed into law in 1994 and expired in September 2004. Seriously, do we really need assault weapons to hunt quail?
Here’s an article from our September 26, 2004 issue.
Terrorists Approve Lifting Of Assault Weapon Ban
Terrorists and gun nuts alike from across the globe are applauding the expiration of the sale of assault weapons in the United States. The ban, signed into law in 1994, prevented the sale of weapons like AK-47, Colt AR15s, and UZIs from being sold over the counter at gun dealerships.
“Wow!” said Al-Qaeda operative, Abdul Al-Zaqawi. “This makes my job so much easier. Now I don’t have to worry about sneaking weapons past security checkpoints. I just enter the country through the porous borders and buy my weaponry here. What a country! I wonder if I can get a grenade launcher?”
Presidential Candidate John Kerry expressed concern about the ban lift, stating that most Americans support the ban and that the failure to renew the law is a blatant handout to the pro-Republican gun lobby led by the National Rifle Association (NRA). Kerry said, “George Bush chose to make the job of terrorists easier and make the job of America’s police officers harder, and that’s just plain wrong.”
NRA members scoffed at Kerry’s statements. Justin Martin of Plain River, Iowa, said, “America is all about owning a gun and John Kerry just doesn’t understand that. I need my assault weapon for hunting. You really can’t kill a quail effectively without an UZI.”
Darryl Cooder, of Scarlet Thorax, Texas, said, “Alls I know is that John Kerry hates America. If he thinks I’m gonna give up my assault weapon, he’s got another think coming. I’d rather sleep with my AK-47 than my wife. Hell, I’d marry my gun if I could. Maybe I’ll support that queer marriage thing after all.”
NRA president Charlton Heston, exuberantly proclaimed, “Guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns!”
Al-Qaeda Terrorist Mohammed Saif Abdullah expressed not only support for the ban lift, but also for President Bush. “I don’t know why Dick Cheney thinks that Al-Qaeda wants John Kerry to win the election,” he said. “Thanks to George Bush and his invasion of Iraq, we are able to recruit more and more people every day from all over the Muslim world. We are also making progress in winning back Afghanistan. And just look at the gift George Bush just gave us! Maybe we can still get some nuclear weapons. I mean after all, he missed Pakistan giving nuclear secrets to North Korea and Iran. Four more years! Four more years!”
Rewind: WMDs Found?
Remember when they found the WMDs responsible for leading America to invade Iraq and start the Iraq War which lasted eight years, cost almost a trillion dollars, and killed (depending on your source) between 100,000 and 1 million people? Oh, that’s right…they never found them. Huh, guess we got taken for a ride by ol’ Dubya and company didn’t we. But surely nothing bad has or will result from it, right?
Oh well, here’s a photo-toon from our October 28, 2006 issue which shows the Bush administration finding the WMDs in a most unexpected place.
Temporarily Embarrassed Millionaires
Author John Steinbeck famously observed that “Socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves not as an exploited proletariat but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires.” We think this insightful comment best explains why anybody in the United States would vote for putting Republicans back in charge of the country after eight disastrous years of Bushonomics (tax cuts for the rich, spend the country into bankruptcy and the middle class foots the bill). Oh, that’s right. Spiff Romney is rich and he’ll make us all rich, too. Ah, the trickle down myth lives on!
Balancing On The Illegal Immigration Fence
Here’s an article from June 2, 2007 issue which discusses the Secure Borders, Economic Opportunity and Immigration Reform Act of 2007 which died in the Senate and was never voted on. It was basically a compromise bill so obviously Republicans hated it, but Democrats also were not fond of it. The article also features that flip-flopper extraordinaire, Spiff Romney. Is Romney for or against illegal immigration reform? Who knows…
Illegal Immigration Bill Explained
Congress and the President are currently sponsoring a very complex bill aimed at fixing the current immigration problem in the United States and while it has supporters on both side of the aisle, it also has detractors from both parties as well. Among some of the criticisms is that the bill is too complex and that immigrants won’t be able to understand it.
Conservative Republicans like South Carolina Senator Jim DeMint have said that the bill amounts to nothing more than amnesty. “It’s amnesty, I tell you. It’s nothing but amnesty. I haven’t read this bill but it is just plain amnesty. Amnesty, amnesty, amnesty. It’s amnesty and I’m agin’ it.” He then turned and spit some tobaccy juice into a nearby spittoon.
Republican candidate for President, Mitt Romney, agreed. “I, too, have not read this bill but basically it’s amnesty plain and simple and if John McCain supports it then I don’t. Vote Romney!”
President Bush scolded his fellow Republicans. “Shame on all of you! Shame! Shame! Shame! Not for not reading the bill…hell I didn’t read it either. But for disagreeing with me; the President. I am the President! I am the President! I am the President! What are you? Democrats? Terrorists? Ooops same thing, heh-heh! But mark my words; this bill will work and it’s not amnesty… whatever that is. Now have I ever steered you wrong these past six and half years?”
One of the bill’s architects, Republican Senator John McCain, took time to try and explain the bill. “It’s really very, very simple. I mean that damn Democrat Ted Kennedy supports this crap, so it has to be easy. First of all, the illegal immigrant has to register to become a guest worker and pay us five thousand smackeroonies. Then he goes back home to El Craphola or wherever the hell he came from for a period ranging from seven to seventy years. Then after the waiting period has expired he has to show up on the border on his given day and time and is given fifteen minutes to make it across the border and sign up again or else his registration is null and void and he has to reapply and go through the whole process again. Once across, he has to take a series of tests to prove he can speak English and can indeed do important immigrant tasks like work a leaf blower, serve fast food and pick vegetables. Once a skill has been established, the immigrant can stay in the country and work for not more than minimum wage, start paying taxes and not get health care, just like a regular American. Unless of course he’s skilled at the following skills: firing a rifle, driving trucks, and marching. Then he can become an American citizen right away, get commissioned as a private in the U.S. Army and get deployed to beautiful, downtown Baghdad. See. Pure simplicity.”
On hearing the details on the bill, Mitt Romney exclaimed, “I know I said I was against the bill, but I’ve changed my mind and I think the bill is not amnesty and therefore I support it. Oops. Wait a second folks. I thought about it again and I think it’s amnesty pure and simple. No. Wait. It’s not amnesty. I support it. No. Wait. John McCain supports it. So I don’t support it. So there you have it. I’m not sure. Vote Romney!”
Illegal immigrant, Sven Jurgensen, said, “Ah, screw it! I’m going to Canada!”
Imperial Force
More retrospective articles from those dark days of debacle called the Bush administration… This article is from our April 11, 2004 issue. The Iraq War had begun to look like a quagmire, but Dubya was staunchly defended his new tenet of American imperialism, the Bush Doctrine. Now, if you look at United States history, American has had imperialistic tendencies ever since the Spanish American War and under both Republican and Democratic administrations. But the Bush Doctrine, which essentially states the U.S. can pre-emptively invade a country if it thinks that country poses a threat, opened up a humongous can of worms, and all possible kinds of unpleasant possibilities of abuse of power and violation of civil liberties. By the way, in case you didn’t know, WMD’s were never found.
Local Man Invokes Bush Doctrine To Invade Neighbors Garage
Jared Dillman, who lives in the Cactus Vista Subdivision, invaded the garage of his neighbor, Tony Kurzbach last Saturday, claiming that he had weapons of mass destruction. Dillman cited the precedence set down by the Bush doctrine, which states that it’s okay to pre-emptively invade a place if there is a concern weapons of mass destruction might be present.
Dillman defended his actions. “Kurzbach came home last Saturday carrying this big box. I didn’t know what was in that box. It could have been a grenade launcher. It could have been anthrax. It could have been a dirty bomb. I didn’t know. But I’ve had my suspicions about Kurzbach. I mean he looks all swarthy and he’s got that unibrow thing going. He could very easily be one of…them.”
Dillman continued. “So he leaves for the night, probably to meet with some terrorists. That was my chance. I picked his lock and rummaged around his garage. I scoured the place, but unfortunately I didn’t find any WMDs. I did find some Heavy Metal CDs, though. That’s audio terrorism! So I took them. Kurzbach sometimes plays his music a little loud on the weekend and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let the neighborhood be exposed to Yngwie Malmsteen.”
Kurzbach was livid at the invasion. “First of all, I’m part Italian, part Hungarian, so I’m sorry I’m a little dark and hairy. Second of all, I’m a third generation American who loves this country. I have no intention whatsoever of doing anybody any harm. That ‘box’ was a DVD player I was getting as a gift for my grandmother. That asshole busts into my garage and rips through everything. I think I’m missing my Rob Zombie CDs.”
The police say their hands are tied. “We’d really like to help,” said Officer Ted McGriff as he munched on a Krispy Kreme. “But we’re talking the Bush Doctrine. If it’s good enough for our president, who are we to argue. Besides, who really wants to listen to Whitesnake anymore? They’re so 80’s.”
Neighbors had mixed reactions. Gladys Stephans said, “I don’t think Jared was right, but then again Tony could have had a nuclear bomb. It all turned out for the best because he destroyed those damn CDs. I’ve heard just about enough of Motörhead. That’s definitely a weapon of mass destruction as far as I’m concerned.”
Mildred Dressler said, “I appreciate that I don’t have to put up with any more Ratt while I’m watching Dr. Phil, but Jared probably should apologize for trashing Tony’s garage.”
Dillman scoffed at the notion of apologizing for the intrusion and destruction. “Are you kidding me? We live in the Age of Dubya. I can be arrogant, belligerent, and do anything I want and not apologize for squat. You know. Come to think of it. I saw Mrs. Dressler carry some pretty suspicious grocery bags in from her car the other day. Time to do my patriotic duty!”
Conservatives Without Conservation
We read an article online ranking the worst environmental presidents in history and to no one’s surprise, ol’ Dubya ranked as the worst. And not surprisingly, many Republican presidents were equally as bad (St. Ronald Reagan was 2nd). There’s not a lot of conservation in today’s conservative. Why can’t more Republicans see the environment like Teddy Roosevelt did: something to be preserved for future generations to enjoy. Oh that’s right: there’s money to be made.
Here’s an article from our August 14, 2003 issue, back when Dubya was in favor of corporate sponsorship of our National Parks. Talk about putting the wolves in the sheep pen.
Exxon-Mobil To Sponsor Yellowstone Park
As part of President Bush’s plan to outsource federal jobs to the private sector, Yellowstone National Park will now be sponsored by Exxon-Mobil.
“We are very pleased with this development,” said President Bush. “This will cut federal costs and will result in the park running more efficiently.” He paused and then added, “Oh and we’ll also get to drill for more Texas tea.”
Exxon-Mobil spokesman, Walter B. Jamieson said, “This will be the greatest park in the world. We’ll put in some roller coasters, five star hotels, and world class shopping. Of course, the wildlife will be perfectly preserved. They’ll be placed in zoos. And get this, the kids will get to pet, feed and kill their own buffaloes. What a deal!”
Yellowstone visitor, eight year old, Kimmy Taylor was excited about the new park. “This park is so boring now. I can’t wait to ride the new rides, play arcade games and plug a buffalo.”
Exxon-Mobil employees will be stationed throughout the park, guiding tourists to shopping, pointing out old points of interest and explaining why privatization of national parks is a good, necessary, patriotic thing to do.
Park officials also plan to open up drill sites to tourists so they can see a good old fashioned oil strike. “If you think Ol’ Faithful was something,” said Jamieson. “Wait until you get a load of a gusher spurting that beautiful black gold into the air. Oh God! Oh God!!! What a sight!!!!” Jamieson then excused himself and went to the bathroom to masturbate.
Other proposed corporate sponsorships include: Georgia-Pacific Redwood National Park, Texaco Zion National Park, and Phelps Dodge Grand Canyon National Park.
Rewind: A Trip To The Woodshed
We’ve got five months left in this joke of an election called Con-a-thon 2012. It’s amazing to us that so many of the so called ‘liberal’ media outlets are acting like all the problems we’re facing today are all Obama’s fault. It seems they’ve had a complete brain fart on the Bush administration. Let us not forgot that it was Dubya’s misadventures in Iraq and Afghanistan and the spending associated with those messes (not to mention the housing fiasco) that has put America in the pit it’s in today.
Here’s a photo-toon from our December 2, 2006 issue to remind us of the those glorious days back when the housing market was collapsing, the deficit was skyrocketing, and both wars had the earmarks of going on indefinitely. This is also when former Secretary of State James Baker recommended a complete withdrawal of troops from Iraq by 2008. Of course, Dubya didn’t want to do it. Well, someone with authority and a hickory switch had to give lil’ Dub-Dub a lil’ old-fashioned comeuppance.
