evangelical – Page 10 – BilgeBucket Gazette

Tolerance Is Sooooooo Overrated

Recently, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus stated in an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) “I don’t know if I’ve used the word ‘tolerance,’ I don’t really care for that word myself”.

It’s stunning that today’s christian conservative Republicans are such blatant hypocrites. Let’s review a little: today’s modern, conservative, christian Republican, should not want their neighbors to have affordable healthcare; should not give any kind of opportunity to anyone from another country who has come to this country in search of a better life; should mistrust anyone who has a different skin color; should hate anyone who has a different religious point of view; should not allow a woman to make her own health decisions in regard to her reproductive system; should despise people who have different sexual orientation; and should own several guns and use them if they are EVER threatened by the aforementioned groups of people. Yep, tolerance is very overrated. Jesus would surely be proud of today’s christians.

notolerancejesus — Capitalist Jesus, who is also very Republican, lends support to his disciple, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, on how overrated tolerance is in today’s overpopulated world.

Reality Check

NASA released a fantastic photo this past week depicting the Earth as a pale blue dot through the rings of Saturn. The photo was taken by the Cassini space probe that is in orbit studying the giant gas planet and it’s moons. This picture brings to mind other humbling NASA shots like the photos of the Earth and the moon together taken by numerous spacecraft(here, here and here) and the ‘family portrait’ of the Earth and the other planets in our solar system from Voyager as it left our solar system in 1990. Everything that we know and all the history of humanity and life as we know it has originated from that tiny grouping of pixels. Clone stamp it in Photoshop and suddenly, no Earth exists. However, the rest of the Universe keeps going even if we humans and our mythologies and religions disappear. Just think of how advanced our civilization would be if all children started learning about astronomy instead of religion in grade school.

godoriginearthpalebluedot — The Cassini spacecraft orbiting Saturn sends a reality check to all religious people on the pale blue dot called Earth.

Time To Update The DB Connection

Much has been said about the right wing’s ‘War on Science’ in recent years (Links here and here and here). There is definitely a love connection with Republicans and religious conservatives but that’s not surprising. Most religions are authoritarian by nature, where all believers are supposed to follow their ‘exalted’ leaders or suffer the consequences. Right wing politicos also obey the hierarchy of authoritarianism. A prime example of this is when then Vice-President Dick Cheney, shot an acquaintance, Harry Whittington, and Whittington apologized to Cheney. And of course any criticism, even if it valid, logical and reasonable, is evil because it goes against the vaunted authority figure: for example, the catholic church’s support of child molesting priests. Or the religious right saying that evolution couldn’t possibly be real because God created man in his image. Of course, they never consider that maybe man made God in his image.

A huge criticism of religion is that while religious texts from thousands of years ago may provide some insight into human nature, (human nature really hasn’t changed since then), it is woefully inadequate in explaining the mechanics of the universe. So much information has been obtained through scientific inquiry and study in the last 400 years alone, in all branches of science, that one really has to question the logic of believing in traditions established when the the knowledge base of the universe was so small. Perhaps it’s time for some people on planet Earth to update their database connections.

religionvsscience — Some denizens of planet Earth need to update their database connections.

Santa, All I Want For Christmas Is An AK-47

In the wake of yet another mass shooting, this time at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut, more of the same predictable, reprehensible rhetoric has been spewing forth from ‘compassionate’ conservative right wingers who seem to love their guns more than life itself. From Republican congressman Louie Gohmert’s (from Texas of course) call for more guns to former Republican governor Mike Huckabee’s assertion that the massacre occurred because God had been systematically removed from school, the response is typical from the right wing. There have been 31 mass shootings since the Columbine incident in 1999 and 62 in the last 30 years. The response is always the same: the public expresses shock that something like this could happen in America; sane people say that something should be done to prevent this; the NRA and right wing neocon gun nuts scream about the right of every American to own a gun and that ‘guns don’t kill people, people kill people’; politicians say they’ll explore solutions to the problem without implementing the horrors of ‘gun control’ on assault weapons; the NRA and right wing neocon gun nuts cry that they need assault weapons to hunt; time lapses; people forget; finally nothing ever gets done…until the next mass shooting. Rinse and repeat.

Seriously folks, nobody needs an assault weapon to go quail hunting or deer hunting for that matter. It’s utter BULLSHIT!!! They should be BANNED!!!

Here’s a photo-toon from our May 12, 2007 issue right after after the Virginia Tech shootings which echoes Gohmert’s statement that somehow, if everyone had a gun, there would be no more violence and we could all join hands and sing ‘Kumbaya’.

malkingun — In the weeks following the shootings at Virginia Tech, neocon pundits and gun supporters, like Michelle Malkin, have suggested that the whole crisis could have been averted if all the students had been armed, which explains why gangs and mobs are such safe environments.

RNC 2004: The Neocon Future for America

Here’s the final installment of our RNC 2004 retrospective…

The future plan for America for the Neocons is the same in 2012 as it was in 2004: there will be tax cuts for the 1%ers and corporate welfare especially for oil, gas, energy, insurance, finance and defense corporations which will make the rich richer and demolish the middle class thus creating a super lower class to work for pittances in corporations or the military. And thanks to imperialistic foreign policy, perpetual wars will become the norm. If Romney is elected, you can bet that war with Iran, Syria or some other perceived belligerent will be a certainty. And we’ll stay indefinitely in Afghanistan, the place where empires go to die. Romney will actually make the Dubya years look good. Yes, the future looks pretty bright for neoconservative America.

rncchild — Little Tommy Kimball prepares for his future in neoconservative America.

RNC 2004: The Big Endorsement

Continuing with our RNC 2004 retrospective…

In America, the Republican Party has become the party of God and Jesus. Well, we shouldn’t be surprised because Jesus was all about supporting the rich while despising the poor. We’re sure if Jesus came back today he’d be wearing a well tailored Armani suit, driving a BMW and/or a pickup, be a member of an exclusive country club, eating caviar, drinking the finest wines and carrying a loaded gun in case any poor person would think of threatening him. And as for healthcare, he’d say, “If you can’t afford it, well that’s your fault for being poor. Why should I help you?” That’s life in a christian nation. We’re also sure that it was Jesus who steered Tropical Storm Issac away from a direct hit on Tampa and instead directed it toward other red states like Alabama, Louisiana, and Mississippi, which have many poor people, because, you know…he loves Republicans so much.

rncbushjesus — President Bush pulls some strings with the Big Guy and gets Jesus to appear to endorse his candidacy.

The Ryan Hypocrisy

In the words of Ricky Ricardo, Paul Ryan has some “‘splaining to do”. It seems that Spiff Romney’s new GOP Vice Presidential candidate has some conflicting beliefs that need some clarification. On the one hand, he’s supposedly a staunch Catholic, which means he’s a follower of Jesus, who preached to share and care for your fellow human beings. On the other hand, he’s a staunch fan of Ayn Rand (an avowed atheist), who preached that one should be selfish and be concerned only for yourself and that caring for others is weak and undesirable. These two philosophies seem to be contradictory. It seems to us that Mr. Ryan and those other conservative christian Republicans, who tout the prosperity gospel while at the same time want to deny basic healthcare to some people in our country, may be hypocrites. Make no mistake: if Romney and Ryan get in, senior entitlements like Medicare and Social Security are gone, while corporate entitlements will be handed out like candy at Halloween. I wonder what Jesus would say, because we all know how much of a capitalist he was.

randianjesus — Capitalist Jesus, who is also very Republican, has nothing but praise for GOP Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan and his Randian philosophy.

The Powah of Prayer

Here’s more religious BS from our September 10, 2007 issue, not long after Hurricane Felix slammed Central America killing 130 people and causing $720 million in damages.

Man Forgets To Pray; Causes Hurricane Felix

Members of the Fourth Evangelical Church have announced that they have found a suspect they believed caused Hurricane Felix. The church says that Gainesville, Florida resident, Dave Nielsen, caused the storm by neglecting to attend church and praying the Sunday before the hurricane hit Nicaragua and Honduras.

“We think that this man is responsible for that devastating hurricane that hit Central America because he didn’t come to church and pray this past Sunday,” said Pastor Jonathon Scheister. “Rumor has it that he was out drinking and womanizing Saturday night over at that den of sin, Gator Gulch, and was so tired he couldn’t drag his sorry behind out of bed to go and worship the Lord. There is no doubt in my mind that he caused this event, just as I’m sure all the gays and lesbians caused 9/11.”

Televangelist Maureen Kay said “Let this be a lesson to all of you, praise the Lord. Our Lord is a loving God, praise the Lord, but also a vengeful God, praise the Lord. You must put God first in your life, praise the Lord, and pray constantly or God will cause much pain and destruction, praise the Lord. Only by constantly acknowledging how great God is, praise the Lord, will the people of Earth be saved. Oh God, I hope I said enough praise the Lords. I better just repeat the phrase for another hour or so just to be safe. Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, praise the Lord…”

Thirty year old Nielsen said, “You gotta be kidding me! Hey, I worked a twelve hour shift Saturday over at the University laying concrete. I went out afterward with a few friends, shot some pool and had a few beers. I was zonked. I mean I worked 55 hours that week. I’ve got child support payments to make. I’ve got alimony to pay. I’ve got rent to pay. I’ve got insurance to pay. I’m sorry. Sometimes I just can’t make it to church. I’m sure Jesus would understand.”

Scheister took offense to Nielsen’s explanation. “How dare he say that Jesus would understand! He doesn’t know what Jesus thinks! I’m the pastor. I’m the only one in our church who truly understands what Jesus would do. I talk to Jesus all the time, just like our beloved President Bush and he tells me what is right and wrong. Like last night, Jesus said it was perfectly okay to use church funds to buy that new Armani suit for myself because if I’m going to sell the Lord’s word, I’ve got to look good, right? Hallelujah!”

When asked if Nielsen had indeed caused the Hurricane, heaven spokesperson St. Sixtus said, “Well we’ve traced our prayers in our prayer center and we’ve found that if we would’ve gotten one more prayer, say from one David J. Nielsen, God would’ve evaporated Hurricane Felix right there in the Caribbean-o. But noooooooooo. Mr. Beer Drinker, Mr. get-a-divorce-rather-than-stay-together-in-a-loveless-marriage, David J. Nielsen, had to skip church. So God done brung it. So don’t blame God, people of Central America; blame David J. Nielsen. And Bill Clinton, of course.”

Veering Right…Into the Rapture

It’s no secret that the Republicans have veered sharply to the right ever since St. Ronald Reagan was president. But today’s political and national climate has become ridiculous. Candidates have been openly pandering to the 30-40% of the people in this country who identify themselves as evangelical christians. These same people also don’t believe in evolution, deny climate change, think that the Earth is all but a few thousand years old and think the rapture is coming very soon so why bother taking care of the planet. If you ever have watched TBN, there are televangelists who unabashedly salivate at the notion that the world is going to end; probably not the best people to be calling the shots. They also openly want to make the United States a christian theocracy. Haven’t we already learned from history that theocracy is a bad idea? Hey, with Spiff Romney, Rick “Google Me” Santorum and Timmy Tebow leading the way, what could go wrong, right?

Here’s an article from our June 6, 2005 issue (back when ol’ Dubya was presidentin’) about the absurdity of the religious right.

White House Endorses Biblical Explanation For Grand Canyon

In what is considered to be a complete surrender to religious right extremists, the Bush White House completely endorsed a biblical explanation for the Grand Canyon and wants to quickly phase out all other theories on how the great chasm came into existence. The White House also wanted to push an ‘intelligent design’ agenda into schools eventually eliminating the teaching of evolution.

“I’ve discussed this matter with the Big Guy and he agrees with me,” said President Bush. “We have to put an end to the teaching of evolution by these smartsy fartsy liberal thinkers once and for all. Men from apes! That’s just absurd. Do I look like some sort of smirking chimp to you?”

Reverend Delbert Dillman of the Third Evangelical Church of The Apocalypse said, “We’re very excited that we finally have the chance for truth to prevail in the world instead of the unfounded science touted by so called scientists today. The scientific community wants to force Americans to believe in evolution. They want to shove it down our throats. This is so completely wrong. We believe that the only people who can force beliefs down people’s throats is the religious community.”

Paul J. Bryan, head researcher at the Revelations School of Truthful Science said, “Evolution is just a theory. Through work at our institute we’ve discovered that the Grand Canyon is not millions of years old like evolutionists would have you believe, but is in fact just a few thousand years old and created during Noah’s flood. Dinosaurs lived not millions of years ago like evolutionists would have you think, but actually lived side by side with early humans. Humans probably used them for doing laborious work like building pyramids and buildings much like the Flintstones. As a matter of fact, we think the Flintstones is a pretty accurate portrayal of early life for man. Dinosaurs weren’t the monsters as depicted in Jurassic Park. They were playful and harmless pets like Dino.”

Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania supported the institute’s findings and wants to have them taught side by side with evolution in schools. “If schools do not include intelligent design in the new teaching standards, many students will be denied a first-rate science education. Many will be left behind. And I won’t be re-elected by my wacky Christian Fundamentalist electorate.”

Bryan added, “We feel that the events in the Bible are accurate and are not just Judeo Christian myths and stories written down by Bronze-Age peasants. No these stories are accurate and with some creative manipulation, the science of today can be folded, spindled and mutilated to support the stories of the Bible. If the evolutionists would stop thinking logically and start reading only the Bible, then they too might become enlightened. Remember; if you read one book, make it the Bible!”

People had mixed reactions to the announcement. Jerry Swoboda of Cambridge, Massachusetts, said, “This is unbelievable! I’m a grad student in geology. I know science and I know what the geological evidence says about the history of the earth. And you’re telling me that some bible-thumpers who feel threatened are dictating policy and trying to inform me the Grand Canyon was created by a worldwide flood two thousand years ago. I say what are you smoking and where can I get some!”

Mildred Moller of Pebble Noggin, Mississippi, said, “Evolution just doesn’t give me the same warm fuzzy that creationism, …oops…intelligent design, gives me. Just don’t be curious about anything and you’ll be so much happier. Ignorance truly is bliss.”

Mike Ellerby of Dewy Meadows, Maryland, said, “Well of course I believe that Noah’s flood really happened and that Noah built an ark that could hold the millions of species of animals that exist on Earth and that no animal ate any of the other animals during that whole forty day, forty night time span. I also believe that there’s a whole micro-world of leprechauns living on my hairy ass.”

God Prefers Patriots To Broncos; Athletes Love Bird Watching

Tim Tebow mania has gripped the sports world. All any sports pundit can talk about these days is how this young, fiery, evangelical christian is taking the football world by storm and leading the Denver Broncos on a football crusade to the promised land of Super Bowl XLVI. There was even a poll on CNN the other day asking people if they thought that Tim Tebow’s meteoric rise is due to God. Apparently, God must prefer Tom Brady and the Patriots to Mr. Tebow because the Broncos got trounced 41-23 today.

We here at the Bucket think the buzz about Tebow is pretty ridiculous anyway. We’re atheists, except for Lamebeard the Pirate, who as a Pastafarian, praises the noodly appendages of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. We feel that if God did exist, he probably wouldn’t care that much about who won a mostly violent, sporting event on a small rocky planet in one of millions of galaxies that exist in the universe. We would think an all-powerful God would have much more fun manipulating nuclear fusion to create a star, starting the celestial mechanics of a fledgling solar system or keeping black holes in line from consuming too much matter and energy. But more and more athletes these days point to the skies after they score a touchdown, make a bucket or hit a home run. We would think that these athletes should always be grateful to their God, not just on good plays. So baseball players shouldn’t just point to the sky after a home run, but also after striking out with the bases loaded, popping out in foul territory or grounding out into an inning ending double play. After all, a good baseball hitter fails seventy percent of the time. Also, if God is supposedly all around us, why point just to the sky? Why not point to a blade of grass, the dirt or a wall. Instead, on sports web sites, we get ‘action’ photos of athletes pointing to the sky instead of smacking a baseball or slam dunking a basketball or hauling in a football with an over the shoulder grab. Hmmm…Methinks there might some christians in professional athletics.

Here’s a photo-toon from our June 26, 2007 edition which offers another possible explanation for athletes pointing to the sky.