RNC 2004: The Big Endorsement

Continuing with our RNC 2004 retrospective…

In America, the Republican Party has become the party of God and Jesus. Well, we shouldn’t be surprised because Jesus was all about supporting the rich while despising the poor. We’re sure if Jesus came back today he’d be wearing a well tailored Armani suit, driving a BMW and/or a pickup, be a member of an exclusive country club, eating caviar, drinking the finest wines and carrying a loaded gun in case any poor person would think of threatening him. And as for healthcare, he’d say, “If you can’t afford it, well that’s your fault for being poor. Why should I help you?” That’s life in a christian nation. We’re also sure that it was Jesus who steered Tropical Storm Issac away from a direct hit on Tampa and instead directed it toward other red states like Alabama, Louisiana, and Mississippi, which have many poor people,  because, you know…he loves Republicans so much.

President Bush pulls some strings with the Big Guy and gets Jesus to appear to endorse his candidacy.

RNC 2004: Turning The Corner

Continuing with our RNC 2004 retrospective…

Remember when ol’ Dubya yanked our chain by always saying “We’re turning the corner on…<fill in the blank>”. Whether it was the deficit, the war in Iraq, economic recovery, cleaning up after Hurricane Katrina, coming out of the housing market collapse, etc… We were always turning the corner. America turned the corner so many times we kept going in circles in a downward spiral for the next four years.

President Bush and his wife Laura point toward the corner America is turning. Appearing on stage with Bush are his old friends, the Deficit, the Iraq Occupation, and Environmental Destruction.

RNC 2004: Remembering The Fun

We’ve just had two weeks of the Olympics. Can we stand anymore excitement? In less than two weeks time, we’ll all be blessed with the thrill of the 2012 edition of the Republican National Convention starring Spiff Romney and that Ayn Rand lovin’ fool, Paul Ryan. To prepare for this earth shattering event, we plan to do a little retrospective. We will present some unforgettable photo-toon highlights from the 2004 Republican National Convention. Who could forget when Arnold Schwarzenegger, Zell Miller and even Jesus showed up to cheer for the GOP.

Let’s start out with that ol’ maverick, Senator John McCain. At least he used to be a ‘maverick’ back in the ’80s. Actually, he was ‘maverick’ only to other Republicans, because he actually would…you probably won’t believe this… compromise  and converse with Democrats. It’s astonishing to believe but back before the 90’s, Republicans were somewhat civilized.

And of course, the ‘maverick’ is responsible for giving the world Sarah Palin. That should have been a clue that maybe he was losing it. Seriously, does anybody listen to what Senator McCain has to say anymore?  He said a few days ago, that Obama should replace Biden with Hillary Clinton. Really? That’s the best barb McCain can come up with to get under the Democrat’s skin? He should just retire to one of his eight houses and count all his money.  Here’s his big moment during the 2004 RNC when he cemented his 2008 presidential candidacy.

Senator John McCain sheds his 'maverick' label and tags himself with the new moniker of 'partisan tool'.

Rewind: The King of Gaffes

Mitt the Twit (or Spiff as we call him) Romney’s recent gaffes in Europe remind us of another Republican who goofed up regularly on the world stage. Ol’ Dubya was always good for a laugh and a master at sticking his feet in his mouth, sometimes both at the same time.

Here’s a photo-toon from our March 17, 2006 issue that depicts one of Dubya’s more dubious moments.

President Bush made a serious diplomatic gaffe on his recent trip to India when he wore a feather headdress to address the Indian people.

Rewind: WMDs Found?

Remember when they found the WMDs responsible for leading America to invade Iraq and start the Iraq War which lasted eight years, cost almost a trillion dollars, and killed (depending on your source) between 100,000 and 1 million people? Oh, that’s right…they never found them. Huh, guess we got taken for a ride by ol’ Dubya and company didn’t we. But surely nothing bad has or will result from it, right?

Oh well, here’s a photo-toon from our October 28, 2006 issue which shows the Bush administration finding the WMDs in a most unexpected place.

Thanks to the recent satellite photos of Mars and the rover, Opportunity, the Bush administration has announced that they have finally found the weapons of mass destruction and that we must invade Mars immediately to spread freedom and democracy to the Martians.

Balancing On The Illegal Immigration Fence

Here’s an article from June 2, 2007 issue which discusses the Secure Borders, Economic Opportunity and Immigration Reform Act of 2007 which died in the Senate and was never voted on. It was basically a compromise bill so obviously Republicans hated it, but Democrats also were not fond of it. The article also features that flip-flopper extraordinaire, Spiff Romney. Is Romney for or against illegal immigration reform? Who knows…

Illegal Immigration Bill Explained

Congress and the President are currently sponsoring a very complex bill aimed at fixing the current immigration problem in the United States and while it has supporters on both side of the aisle, it also has detractors from both parties as well. Among some of the criticisms is that the bill is too complex and that immigrants won’t be able to understand it.

Conservative Republicans like South Carolina Senator Jim DeMint have said that the bill amounts to nothing more than amnesty. “It’s amnesty, I tell you. It’s nothing but amnesty. I haven’t read this bill but it is just plain amnesty. Amnesty, amnesty, amnesty. It’s amnesty and I’m agin’ it.” He then turned and spit some tobaccy juice into a nearby spittoon.

Republican candidate for President, Mitt Romney, agreed. “I, too, have not read this bill but basically it’s amnesty plain and simple and if John McCain supports it then I don’t. Vote Romney!”

President Bush scolded his fellow Republicans. “Shame on all of you! Shame! Shame! Shame! Not for not reading the bill…hell I didn’t read it either. But for disagreeing with me; the President. I am the President! I am the President! I am the President! What are you? Democrats? Terrorists? Ooops same thing, heh-heh! But mark my words; this bill will work and it’s not amnesty… whatever that is. Now have I ever steered you wrong these past six and half years?”

One of the bill’s architects, Republican Senator John McCain, took time to try and explain the bill. “It’s really very, very simple. I mean that damn Democrat Ted Kennedy supports this crap, so it has to be easy. First of all, the illegal immigrant has to register to become a guest worker and pay us five thousand smackeroonies. Then he goes back home to El Craphola or wherever the hell he came from for a period ranging from seven to seventy years. Then after the waiting period has expired he has to show up on the border on his given day and time and is given fifteen minutes to make it across the border and sign up again or else his registration is null and void and he has to reapply and go through the whole process again. Once across, he has to take a series of tests to prove he can speak English and can indeed do important immigrant tasks like work a leaf blower, serve fast food and pick vegetables. Once a skill has been established, the immigrant can stay in the country and work for not more than minimum wage, start paying taxes and not get health care, just like a regular American. Unless of course he’s skilled at the following skills: firing a rifle, driving trucks, and marching. Then he can become an American citizen right away, get commissioned as a private in the U.S. Army and get deployed to beautiful, downtown Baghdad. See. Pure simplicity.”

On hearing the details on the bill, Mitt Romney exclaimed, “I know I said I was against the bill, but I’ve changed my mind and I think the bill is not amnesty and therefore I support it. Oops. Wait a second folks. I thought about it again and I think it’s amnesty pure and simple. No. Wait. It’s not amnesty. I support it. No. Wait. John McCain supports it. So I don’t support it. So there you have it. I’m not sure. Vote Romney!”

Illegal immigrant, Sven Jurgensen, said, “Ah, screw it! I’m going to Canada!”

Conservatives Without Conservation

We read an article online ranking the worst environmental presidents in history and to no one’s surprise, ol’ Dubya ranked as the worst. And not surprisingly, many Republican presidents were equally as bad (St. Ronald Reagan was 2nd). There’s not a lot of conservation in today’s conservative. Why can’t more Republicans see the environment like Teddy Roosevelt did: something to be preserved for future generations to enjoy. Oh that’s right: there’s money to be made.

Here’s an article from our August 14, 2003 issue, back when Dubya was in favor of corporate sponsorship of our National Parks. Talk about putting the wolves in the sheep pen.

Exxon-Mobil To Sponsor Yellowstone Park

As part of President Bush’s plan to outsource federal jobs to the private sector, Yellowstone National Park will now be sponsored by Exxon-Mobil.

“We are very pleased with this development,” said President Bush. “This will cut federal costs and will result in the park running more efficiently.” He paused and then added, “Oh and we’ll also get to drill for more Texas tea.”

Exxon-Mobil spokesman, Walter B. Jamieson said, “This will be the greatest park in the world. We’ll put in some roller coasters, five star hotels, and world class shopping. Of course, the wildlife will be perfectly preserved. They’ll be placed in zoos. And get this, the kids will get to pet, feed and kill their own buffaloes. What a deal!”

Yellowstone visitor, eight year old, Kimmy Taylor was excited about the new park. “This park is so boring now. I can’t wait to ride the new rides, play arcade games and plug a buffalo.”

Exxon-Mobil employees will be stationed throughout the park, guiding tourists to shopping, pointing out old points of interest and explaining why privatization of national parks is a good, necessary, patriotic thing to do.

Park officials also plan to open up drill sites to tourists so they can see a good old fashioned oil strike. “If you think Ol’ Faithful was something,” said Jamieson. “Wait until you get a load of a gusher spurting that beautiful black gold into the air. Oh God! Oh God!!! What a sight!!!!” Jamieson then excused himself and went to the bathroom to masturbate.

Other proposed corporate sponsorships include: Georgia-Pacific Redwood National Park, Texaco Zion National Park, and Phelps Dodge Grand Canyon National Park.

Rewind: A Trip To The Woodshed

We’ve got five months left in this joke of an election called Con-a-thon 2012. It’s amazing to us that so many of the so called ‘liberal’ media outlets are acting like all the problems we’re facing today are all Obama’s fault. It seems they’ve had a complete brain fart on the Bush administration. Let us not forgot that it was Dubya’s misadventures in Iraq and Afghanistan and the spending associated with those messes (not to mention the housing fiasco) that has put America in the pit it’s in today.

Here’s a photo-toon from our December 2, 2006 issue to remind us of the those glorious days back when the housing market was collapsing, the deficit was skyrocketing, and both wars had the earmarks of going on indefinitely. This is also when former Secretary of State James Baker recommended a complete withdrawal of troops from Iraq by 2008. Of course, Dubya didn’t want to do it. Well, someone with authority and a hickory switch had to give lil’ Dub-Dub a lil’ old-fashioned comeuppance.

At former President George H.W. Bush's request, former Secretary of State James Baker took President Bush out to the White House woodshed to dispense some much needed discipline.

 

Rewind: Sun ‘n Fun in Iraq

It’s time for another trip to yesteryear, back to those bucolic days in the summer of 2004, when Operation Iraqi Freedom a.k.a. the Iraq War, a.k.a the Slam Dunk was foundering into it’s second year, despite assurances from the Bush administration that all was well in the land of sand and oil. Now, thankfully, we’re out of Iraq and the Iraqis are left to administer their country on their own, even though sectarian violence continues and probably will continue until the country breaks out into an inevitable Civil War which has been building for a century. For a dry but informative read on the history of Iraq, pre-War, read Charles Tripp’s History of Iraq and see why we should have never gotten into this misadventure in the first place.

Here’s a photo-toon from our July 4, 2004 issue depicting Dubya’s rose colored glasses view of Iraq.

From President Bush's point of view, the new Iraq is a bright, rosy place chock full of fun and oil.

Rewind: Punxsutawny George

It’s Groundhog Day so we thought we’d flashback to those halcyon days of the Bush Administration. Remember how the Republicans were always trying to privatize Social Security and Americans threw bloody fits against their efforts? Oh, that’s right: they’re still doing it. This photo-toon, from our February 13, 2005 issue, shows Dubya, fresh from his ‘mandate’ victory in November 2004, injecting fear into the hearts of millions about the last days of Social Security.

President Bush gives his State of the Union address on Groundhog Day, predicting six more weeks until Social Security goes bankrupt, while Vice President Dick Cheney and Speaker of the House Dennis 'Jabba' Hastert show their approval.