Satire that shovels it to the public – just like the real media!
Here are some headlines from 2004…
| Tony Robbins Infomercial Motivates Man To Change Channels |
| Pyromaniac Starts Dating Old Flame |
| Congress Passes Resolution That God Bless America Only |
| Shelter Opens For Battered Fish |
| Pete Rose Bets That Baseball Reinstates Him |
Here’s an article from June 2, 2007 issue which discusses the Secure Borders, Economic Opportunity and Immigration Reform Act of 2007 which died in the Senate and was never voted on. It was basically a compromise bill so obviously Republicans hated it, but Democrats also were not fond of it. The article also features that flip-flopper extraordinaire, Spiff Romney. Is Romney for or against illegal immigration reform? Who knows…
Congress and the President are currently sponsoring a very complex bill aimed at fixing the current immigration problem in the United States and while it has supporters on both side of the aisle, it also has detractors from both parties as well. Among some of the criticisms is that the bill is too complex and that immigrants won’t be able to understand it.
Conservative Republicans like South Carolina Senator Jim DeMint have said that the bill amounts to nothing more than amnesty. “It’s amnesty, I tell you. It’s nothing but amnesty. I haven’t read this bill but it is just plain amnesty. Amnesty, amnesty, amnesty. It’s amnesty and I’m agin’ it.” He then turned and spit some tobaccy juice into a nearby spittoon.
Republican candidate for President, Mitt Romney, agreed. “I, too, have not read this bill but basically it’s amnesty plain and simple and if John McCain supports it then I don’t. Vote Romney!”
President Bush scolded his fellow Republicans. “Shame on all of you! Shame! Shame! Shame! Not for not reading the bill…hell I didn’t read it either. But for disagreeing with me; the President. I am the President! I am the President! I am the President! What are you? Democrats? Terrorists? Ooops same thing, heh-heh! But mark my words; this bill will work and it’s not amnesty… whatever that is. Now have I ever steered you wrong these past six and half years?”
One of the bill’s architects, Republican Senator John McCain, took time to try and explain the bill. “It’s really very, very simple. I mean that damn Democrat Ted Kennedy supports this crap, so it has to be easy. First of all, the illegal immigrant has to register to become a guest worker and pay us five thousand smackeroonies. Then he goes back home to El Craphola or wherever the hell he came from for a period ranging from seven to seventy years. Then after the waiting period has expired he has to show up on the border on his given day and time and is given fifteen minutes to make it across the border and sign up again or else his registration is null and void and he has to reapply and go through the whole process again. Once across, he has to take a series of tests to prove he can speak English and can indeed do important immigrant tasks like work a leaf blower, serve fast food and pick vegetables. Once a skill has been established, the immigrant can stay in the country and work for not more than minimum wage, start paying taxes and not get health care, just like a regular American. Unless of course he’s skilled at the following skills: firing a rifle, driving trucks, and marching. Then he can become an American citizen right away, get commissioned as a private in the U.S. Army and get deployed to beautiful, downtown Baghdad. See. Pure simplicity.”
On hearing the details on the bill, Mitt Romney exclaimed, “I know I said I was against the bill, but I’ve changed my mind and I think the bill is not amnesty and therefore I support it. Oops. Wait a second folks. I thought about it again and I think it’s amnesty pure and simple. No. Wait. It’s not amnesty. I support it. No. Wait. John McCain supports it. So I don’t support it. So there you have it. I’m not sure. Vote Romney!”
Illegal immigrant, Sven Jurgensen, said, “Ah, screw it! I’m going to Canada!”
Even more amusing headlines from 2003…
| Local Locksmith Concocts Lame-Ass ‘Locktoberfest’ Promotion |
| Fun Size Candy Bar Not All That Fun |
| Local Visigoth Sacks Groceries |
| Tennis Star Indicted For Racketeering |
| Kalamazoo Man Doesn’t Love Raymond |
More retrospective articles from those dark days of debacle called the Bush administration… This article is from our April 11, 2004 issue. The Iraq War had begun to look like a quagmire, but Dubya was staunchly defended his new tenet of American imperialism, the Bush Doctrine. Now, if you look at United States history, American has had imperialistic tendencies ever since the Spanish American War and under both Republican and Democratic administrations. But the Bush Doctrine, which essentially states the U.S. can pre-emptively invade a country if it thinks that country poses a threat, opened up a humongous can of worms, and all possible kinds of unpleasant possibilities of abuse of power and violation of civil liberties. By the way, in case you didn’t know, WMD’s were never found.
Jared Dillman, who lives in the Cactus Vista Subdivision, invaded the garage of his neighbor, Tony Kurzbach last Saturday, claiming that he had weapons of mass destruction. Dillman cited the precedence set down by the Bush doctrine, which states that it’s okay to pre-emptively invade a place if there is a concern weapons of mass destruction might be present.
Dillman defended his actions. “Kurzbach came home last Saturday carrying this big box. I didn’t know what was in that box. It could have been a grenade launcher. It could have been anthrax. It could have been a dirty bomb. I didn’t know. But I’ve had my suspicions about Kurzbach. I mean he looks all swarthy and he’s got that unibrow thing going. He could very easily be one of…them.”
Dillman continued. “So he leaves for the night, probably to meet with some terrorists. That was my chance. I picked his lock and rummaged around his garage. I scoured the place, but unfortunately I didn’t find any WMDs. I did find some Heavy Metal CDs, though. That’s audio terrorism! So I took them. Kurzbach sometimes plays his music a little loud on the weekend and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let the neighborhood be exposed to Yngwie Malmsteen.”
Kurzbach was livid at the invasion. “First of all, I’m part Italian, part Hungarian, so I’m sorry I’m a little dark and hairy. Second of all, I’m a third generation American who loves this country. I have no intention whatsoever of doing anybody any harm. That ‘box’ was a DVD player I was getting as a gift for my grandmother. That asshole busts into my garage and rips through everything. I think I’m missing my Rob Zombie CDs.”
The police say their hands are tied. “We’d really like to help,” said Officer Ted McGriff as he munched on a Krispy Kreme. “But we’re talking the Bush Doctrine. If it’s good enough for our president, who are we to argue. Besides, who really wants to listen to Whitesnake anymore? They’re so 80’s.”
Neighbors had mixed reactions. Gladys Stephans said, “I don’t think Jared was right, but then again Tony could have had a nuclear bomb. It all turned out for the best because he destroyed those damn CDs. I’ve heard just about enough of Motörhead. That’s definitely a weapon of mass destruction as far as I’m concerned.”
Mildred Dressler said, “I appreciate that I don’t have to put up with any more Ratt while I’m watching Dr. Phil, but Jared probably should apologize for trashing Tony’s garage.”
Dillman scoffed at the notion of apologizing for the intrusion and destruction. “Are you kidding me? We live in the Age of Dubya. I can be arrogant, belligerent, and do anything I want and not apologize for squat. You know. Come to think of it. I saw Mrs. Dressler carry some pretty suspicious grocery bags in from her car the other day. Time to do my patriotic duty!”
We read an article online ranking the worst environmental presidents in history and to no one’s surprise, ol’ Dubya ranked as the worst. And not surprisingly, many Republican presidents were equally as bad (St. Ronald Reagan was 2nd). There’s not a lot of conservation in today’s conservative. Why can’t more Republicans see the environment like Teddy Roosevelt did: something to be preserved for future generations to enjoy. Oh that’s right: there’s money to be made.
Here’s an article from our August 14, 2003 issue, back when Dubya was in favor of corporate sponsorship of our National Parks. Talk about putting the wolves in the sheep pen.
As part of President Bush’s plan to outsource federal jobs to the private sector, Yellowstone National Park will now be sponsored by Exxon-Mobil.
“We are very pleased with this development,” said President Bush. “This will cut federal costs and will result in the park running more efficiently.” He paused and then added, “Oh and we’ll also get to drill for more Texas tea.”
Exxon-Mobil spokesman, Walter B. Jamieson said, “This will be the greatest park in the world. We’ll put in some roller coasters, five star hotels, and world class shopping. Of course, the wildlife will be perfectly preserved. They’ll be placed in zoos. And get this, the kids will get to pet, feed and kill their own buffaloes. What a deal!”
Yellowstone visitor, eight year old, Kimmy Taylor was excited about the new park. “This park is so boring now. I can’t wait to ride the new rides, play arcade games and plug a buffalo.”
Exxon-Mobil employees will be stationed throughout the park, guiding tourists to shopping, pointing out old points of interest and explaining why privatization of national parks is a good, necessary, patriotic thing to do.
Park officials also plan to open up drill sites to tourists so they can see a good old fashioned oil strike. “If you think Ol’ Faithful was something,” said Jamieson. “Wait until you get a load of a gusher spurting that beautiful black gold into the air. Oh God! Oh God!!! What a sight!!!!” Jamieson then excused himself and went to the bathroom to masturbate.
Other proposed corporate sponsorships include: Georgia-Pacific Redwood National Park, Texaco Zion National Park, and Phelps Dodge Grand Canyon National Park.
More headline fun from 2003…
| Bush Invites Other Countries To Join The Fun In Iraq |
| Taco Stand Suspiciously Located Next To Pet Cemetery |
| Equipment Manager Missing Balls |
| Inquisitive Boss To Probe Secretary |
| Michael Savage Creates Line Of Hello Kitty Greeting Cards |
We’ve got five months left in this joke of an election called Con-a-thon 2012. It’s amazing to us that so many of the so called ‘liberal’ media outlets are acting like all the problems we’re facing today are all Obama’s fault. It seems they’ve had a complete brain fart on the Bush administration. Let us not forgot that it was Dubya’s misadventures in Iraq and Afghanistan and the spending associated with those messes (not to mention the housing fiasco) that has put America in the pit it’s in today.
Here’s a photo-toon from our December 2, 2006 issue to remind us of the those glorious days back when the housing market was collapsing, the deficit was skyrocketing, and both wars had the earmarks of going on indefinitely. This is also when former Secretary of State James Baker recommended a complete withdrawal of troops from Iraq by 2008. Of course, Dubya didn’t want to do it. Well, someone with authority and a hickory switch had to give lil’ Dub-Dub a lil’ old-fashioned comeuppance.
From 2003 to 2009, we featured many great headlines in our webzine. We’re going to present some of our favorites again for old times sake this summer. Here are a few we like from the year 2003.
| Local Man Swears to God He’s Atheist |
| Local Dog Farts: Blames It On Master |
| Local Cat Needs Rest After Brutal Nap |
| Clueless Man Wipes Hole In The Ground |
| Yankees Pitcher Refutes Claims Of Belly Itching |
There are tons of obscure television channels available on cable and satellite dishes. Well, here’s a listing for The Philatelist Channel. Watch these shows because if there’s anything more exciting than coin collecting, it’s gotta be stamp collecting.
Shows Tonight on The Philatelist Channel
| 7:00pm | Canada’s Looniest Stamps |
| 7:30pm | 1001 Reasons To Collect Stamps |
| 8:00pm | Topical Philately: The Fat Elvis Stamp |
| 8:30pm | True Confessions of a Stamp Addict |
| 9:00pm | America’s Smuttiest Stamp: The Inverted Jenny |
| 9:30pm | Philately After Dark: Lick it! Lick It Good! |
It’s another sunny, hot, 100+ degree day here in Cactus Corners, Arizona. High today: 110. In our summer issues from 2004-2008, we always presented little gag forecast graphics like they have in the weather sections in newspapers. We like to recycle here, so we’ll present them again over the course of this summer. It’s not summer yet, but why wait when it’s 110 degrees out.
Here’s the forecast for this weekend.
