photo-toon – Page 57 – BilgeBucket Gazette

Get Back In The Kitchen!

Amazingly, former Senator Rick “Google Me” Santorum, is the leader again in the joke that is Con-a-thon 2012, ‘surging’ last week and taking the caucuses in Colorado and Minnesota and the Missouri primary. Of course, like previous primaries and caucuses, the turnout was anemic, though you’d never get that info from the mainstream media. Total votes cast in Missouri; about 270,000 or 4.4% of the total population. Total votes cast in Colorado; about 66,000 or 1.3% of the total population. Total votes cast in Minnesota; about 49,000 or 0.9% of the population. I don’t think anyone can say these candidates are thrilling anybody, except maybe the 1%ers.

It’s especially interesting that Santorum is leading again given his archaic views on not only women, but topics like immigration, education, defense, evolution and life in general. We already knew about his anti-choice and anti-contraception stances; all out of the dark ages. But recently he said that women aren’t equipped for combat either and even has questioned the value of women in the workplace. Of course, these views are in line with the conservative agenda, and in particular conservative catholics. How can contraception be a sin when there are now 7 billion people on the planet?!!! We think that since Newt Gingrich has proposed a moon base, maybe Rick Santorum should propose building a time machine and travel back to the period in history that is more appropriate for his way of thinking: the days when neanderthal man roamed the earth, which according to Santorum’s creationist dogma was only about six thousand years ago.

santorumneanderthal — GOP candidate Rick 'Google Me' Santorum, enlightens the 2012 CPAC convention about woman's place in American society.

Austerity Cuisine

Times are definitely tough right now. 99% of us are tightening our belts and trying to do more with less. Even food prices have risen. There are even some Americans who have to decide between paying their bills and eating. That’s why we’re presenting this timely book as our Book o’ the Month by the ‘Julia Child of the Ozarks’, Daisy June Huneycutt. You’ll never go hungry again thanks to this book. FYI, the Flattened Possum with Dandelion Sauce is killer!

Rewind: Punxsutawny George

It’s Groundhog Day so we thought we’d flashback to those halcyon days of the Bush Administration. Remember how the Republicans were always trying to privatize Social Security and Americans threw bloody fits against their efforts? Oh, that’s right: they’re still doing it. This photo-toon, from our February 13, 2005 issue, shows Dubya, fresh from his ‘mandate’ victory in November 2004, injecting fear into the hearts of millions about the last days of Social Security.

BushSOU2005 — President Bush gives his State of the Union address on Groundhog Day, predicting six more weeks until Social Security goes bankrupt, while Vice President Dick Cheney and Speaker of the House Dennis 'Jabba' Hastert show their approval.

Brewer Embarrasses Arizona…Again

You can just about set your watch by it these days: a conservative Republican politician in Arizona acts like an ass on the national and world stage. The long list includes former state senator Russell “I’m not a Nazi” Pearce, sheriff Joe “Just call me God” Arpaio, former congressman J.D. “Rush Jr.” Hayworth, Senator John “I gave the world Sarah Palin” McCain, former Governor Fife “I like cooking food and books” Symington, the king of crazy, former Governor Evan “blacks love being called pickaninnies” Meacham and the Republican slanted state legislature and its infamous “anti-immigration” bill SB 1070. Last week Arizona Governor Jan “Skeletor” Brewer greeted President Obama on the tarmac and had a testy exchange of words over her treatment of him in her new book and ended up wagging her bony forefinger at the President as if he were a school child and not the leader of this country. This from a woman who gave this unforgettably embarassing performance in the 2010 gubernatorial debates. Incredibly and even more embarrassingly, she won the election! Yep, there’s a lot of scary conservatives living here in Arizona. Getting back to the “showdown”, if former governor and current United States Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano would have greeted Dubya that way, Republicans would have been calling for her head on a platter.

At least the Guvnuh’s new book, “Scorpions for Breakfast: My Fight Against Special Interests, Liberal Media, and Cynical Politicos to Secure America’s Border” (yep, My Fight or Mein Kampf in German), got a fantastic boost in sales from her “showdown with Obama”. Or maybe, that’s why she did it in the first place. Hmmmm… Anyway, we here at the Bucket think that the desert heat may have cooked the Guvnuh’s brain liked a baked potato, especially with that tin foil hat she likes to wear.

brewerskeletorobama — Arizona Governor Jan "Skeletor" Brewer warns President Obama that he has entered the Kingdom o' Wingnuts and that he had better beware.

Austerity Dentistry

Times are definitely tough right now. 99% of us are tightening our belts and trying to do more with less. What is especially tough is the high cost of health care especially dental care. It is estimated that 40-60 million Americans don’t have dental insurance. That’s why we’re presenting this timely book as our Book o’ the Month. Buy this bestseller and say goodbye to costly dental bills…and chewing your food.

Shocking Development: Rich White Guy Wins

The shocking results from New Hampshire are in: a rich, white guy won the GOP primary. In this particular case, it was former Massachusetts governor, Spiff “I’m for everything” Romney winning and crusty ol’ prospector Ron “I’m agin’ everything” Paul coming in second. John “I’ve got three hot daughters” Huntsman finished a surprising third.

It’ll be interesting to see if Huntsman will become the next flavor of the month in this joke that is…drum roll please… Con-a-thon 2012. But for right now, Spiff Romney and his magic underwear are riding high. Will his momentum continue onto the next primary in South Carolina or will Uncle Newtie Gingrich’s ‘Anti-Romney’ campaign bring the Spiffster down? The suspense is just riveting isn’t it folks. How many more months of this crap do we have left?

romneyspiffy — GOP candidate and corporate hatchetman, Spiff Romney, won the New Hampshire primary handily with chameleon like tactics that will surely please everyone, especially corporate 'people' with deep pockets.

Rick ‘the Dick’ Surges

The joke that is Con-a-thon 2012 continues. 122,224 Iowans (or 0.04% of the US population) have spoken and Spiff Romney has won the Iowa caucus by a whopping 8 votes over surprise runner-up Rick “Google Me” Santorum. Wily ol’ Prospector Ron “I’m agin’ everything” Paul finished a close third.

But the big news is that another once dead candidate has risen from the ashes. That’s right folks. The new flavor of the month appears to be that champion of intelligent design, anti-gay rights, anti-choice and bombing Iran, Rick Santorum. Incredible! The guy who made such of fuss about the top Google ranking of the site spreadingsantorum.com is now a front runner for the GOP nomination. Wow! Con-a-thon 2012: what an absolute farce! What’s even more ludicrous is the media attention heaped on this ‘all important’ caucus. According to the media, this nation of 301 million must now base it’s entire decision on what 122,224 people decided. Democracy in action? We’ll see who the corporations and Super PACs (you know, BIG MONEY) get behind and support. The bs just keeps getting piled higher and deeper.

We’ve only one photo-toon of Rick Santorum from our archives. This is from our July 7, 2006 issue when Rick ‘the Dick’, enabler extraordinaire of the Bush Administration’s military adventurism in the Middle East and ace sleuth, came forward and said that the WMD’s were found in Iraq. Rick was voted out of office the following November.

Prospector Paul Reckons Thar’s Gold in Them Thar Cornfields

It’s looks like there might be a new front runner in the GOP Con-a-thon 2012 Presidential race; that eternal contrarian, Ron Paul. Really? Ron Paul? The guy who’s been running since 2007 and no one takes seriously? Well, that crusty ol’ codger is leading in some polls with the Iowa caucuses only a week away. Paul has plodded along in the back of the Republican field mostly because of his libertarian views; he’s too conservative for liberals and he’s too liberal for conservatives. However, he has many staunch fans who like his cantankerous demeanor and his all-over-the-map views on issues ranging from his non-interventionist foreign policy to his vehement anti-abortion stance to his pro-prostitution views. We here at the Bucket see him as that ol’ prospector sidekick from the westerns. He’s good for comic relief and pushing discussions and issues forward, but should he really be leading the posse. Con sarn it, we’re agin’ it!

God Prefers Patriots To Broncos; Athletes Love Bird Watching

Tim Tebow mania has gripped the sports world. All any sports pundit can talk about these days is how this young, fiery, evangelical christian is taking the football world by storm and leading the Denver Broncos on a football crusade to the promised land of Super Bowl XLVI. There was even a poll on CNN the other day asking people if they thought that Tim Tebow’s meteoric rise is due to God. Apparently, God must prefer Tom Brady and the Patriots to Mr. Tebow because the Broncos got trounced 41-23 today.

We here at the Bucket think the buzz about Tebow is pretty ridiculous anyway. We’re atheists, except for Lamebeard the Pirate, who as a Pastafarian, praises the noodly appendages of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. We feel that if God did exist, he probably wouldn’t care that much about who won a mostly violent, sporting event on a small rocky planet in one of millions of galaxies that exist in the universe. We would think an all-powerful God would have much more fun manipulating nuclear fusion to create a star, starting the celestial mechanics of a fledgling solar system or keeping black holes in line from consuming too much matter and energy. But more and more athletes these days point to the skies after they score a touchdown, make a bucket or hit a home run. We would think that these athletes should always be grateful to their God, not just on good plays. So baseball players shouldn’t just point to the sky after a home run, but also after striking out with the bases loaded, popping out in foul territory or grounding out into an inning ending double play. After all, a good baseball hitter fails seventy percent of the time. Also, if God is supposedly all around us, why point just to the sky? Why not point to a blade of grass, the dirt or a wall. Instead, on sports web sites, we get ‘action’ photos of athletes pointing to the sky instead of smacking a baseball or slam dunking a basketball or hauling in a football with an over the shoulder grab. Hmmm…Methinks there might some christians in professional athletics.

Here’s a photo-toon from our June 26, 2007 edition which offers another possible explanation for athletes pointing to the sky.

baseballbirds — Baseball players have been pointing to the sky frequently in recent years showing off their obvious love of bird watching.

PatrioTrend’s Gun Toting Inflatible Jesus

Here’s a SKYMart product just in time for the holidays. Get it for that Jesus loving, gun waving, patriotic Teabagger in your life.

What’s more fun than perusing those in-flight shopping magazines and seeing fun products that everyone needs like ping pong ball cannons, solar powered face fans for your dog, and your very own life-size bronze sculpture of Simon Cowell…all on sale at exorbitant prices? Not much if you ask us. That’s why we’re teaming with SKYMart, America’s favorite in-flight crap merchant shopping mart, to bring you the best in people pleasing products. So break out your credit cards and prepare yourself for debilitating debt!