Category: Compassionate CONservatives

Temporarily Embarrassed Millionaires

Author John Steinbeck famously observed that “Socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves not as an exploited proletariat but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires.” We think this insightful comment best explains why anybody in the United States would vote for putting Republicans back in charge of the country after eight disastrous years of Bushonomics (tax cuts for the rich, spend the country into bankruptcy and the middle class foots the bill). Oh, that’s right. Spiff Romney is rich and he’ll make us all rich, too. Ah, the trickle down myth lives on!

A couple of temporarily embarrassed millionaires contemplate their march to grandeur under a Spiff Romney presidency.

Ugh. You Choice? Here Choice!

Back in 2006, South Dakota, passed an abortion law that banned abortions even in case of rape and incest. Fortunately, the law was repealed by a voter referendum in November 2006. Did that deter those South Dakota Republicans who feel it it is their responsibility to police women’s uteruses? Not on your life. They passed a tough law last year that lengthens the waiting period for an abortion to three days and to receive counseling (from a religious center of course).

Here’s a photo-toon from our March 17, 2006 issue showing the new state quarter which depicts the only choice possible for a South Dakota woman who may want to terminate her pregnancy.

The U.S. Mint reissued a newly designed South Dakota state quarter to reflect South Dakota's recent ban of abortion even in the case of rape or incest.

 

Balancing On The Illegal Immigration Fence

Here’s an article from June 2, 2007 issue which discusses the Secure Borders, Economic Opportunity and Immigration Reform Act of 2007 which died in the Senate and was never voted on. It was basically a compromise bill so obviously Republicans hated it, but Democrats also were not fond of it. The article also features that flip-flopper extraordinaire, Spiff Romney. Is Romney for or against illegal immigration reform? Who knows…

Illegal Immigration Bill Explained

Congress and the President are currently sponsoring a very complex bill aimed at fixing the current immigration problem in the United States and while it has supporters on both side of the aisle, it also has detractors from both parties as well. Among some of the criticisms is that the bill is too complex and that immigrants won’t be able to understand it.

Conservative Republicans like South Carolina Senator Jim DeMint have said that the bill amounts to nothing more than amnesty. “It’s amnesty, I tell you. It’s nothing but amnesty. I haven’t read this bill but it is just plain amnesty. Amnesty, amnesty, amnesty. It’s amnesty and I’m agin’ it.” He then turned and spit some tobaccy juice into a nearby spittoon.

Republican candidate for President, Mitt Romney, agreed. “I, too, have not read this bill but basically it’s amnesty plain and simple and if John McCain supports it then I don’t. Vote Romney!”

President Bush scolded his fellow Republicans. “Shame on all of you! Shame! Shame! Shame! Not for not reading the bill…hell I didn’t read it either. But for disagreeing with me; the President. I am the President! I am the President! I am the President! What are you? Democrats? Terrorists? Ooops same thing, heh-heh! But mark my words; this bill will work and it’s not amnesty… whatever that is. Now have I ever steered you wrong these past six and half years?”

One of the bill’s architects, Republican Senator John McCain, took time to try and explain the bill. “It’s really very, very simple. I mean that damn Democrat Ted Kennedy supports this crap, so it has to be easy. First of all, the illegal immigrant has to register to become a guest worker and pay us five thousand smackeroonies. Then he goes back home to El Craphola or wherever the hell he came from for a period ranging from seven to seventy years. Then after the waiting period has expired he has to show up on the border on his given day and time and is given fifteen minutes to make it across the border and sign up again or else his registration is null and void and he has to reapply and go through the whole process again. Once across, he has to take a series of tests to prove he can speak English and can indeed do important immigrant tasks like work a leaf blower, serve fast food and pick vegetables. Once a skill has been established, the immigrant can stay in the country and work for not more than minimum wage, start paying taxes and not get health care, just like a regular American. Unless of course he’s skilled at the following skills: firing a rifle, driving trucks, and marching. Then he can become an American citizen right away, get commissioned as a private in the U.S. Army and get deployed to beautiful, downtown Baghdad. See. Pure simplicity.”

On hearing the details on the bill, Mitt Romney exclaimed, “I know I said I was against the bill, but I’ve changed my mind and I think the bill is not amnesty and therefore I support it. Oops. Wait a second folks. I thought about it again and I think it’s amnesty pure and simple. No. Wait. It’s not amnesty. I support it. No. Wait. John McCain supports it. So I don’t support it. So there you have it. I’m not sure. Vote Romney!”

Illegal immigrant, Sven Jurgensen, said, “Ah, screw it! I’m going to Canada!”

Conservatives Without Conservation

We read an article online ranking the worst environmental presidents in history and to no one’s surprise, ol’ Dubya ranked as the worst. And not surprisingly, many Republican presidents were equally as bad (St. Ronald Reagan was 2nd). There’s not a lot of conservation in today’s conservative. Why can’t more Republicans see the environment like Teddy Roosevelt did: something to be preserved for future generations to enjoy. Oh that’s right: there’s money to be made.

Here’s an article from our August 14, 2003 issue, back when Dubya was in favor of corporate sponsorship of our National Parks. Talk about putting the wolves in the sheep pen.

Exxon-Mobil To Sponsor Yellowstone Park

As part of President Bush’s plan to outsource federal jobs to the private sector, Yellowstone National Park will now be sponsored by Exxon-Mobil.

“We are very pleased with this development,” said President Bush. “This will cut federal costs and will result in the park running more efficiently.” He paused and then added, “Oh and we’ll also get to drill for more Texas tea.”

Exxon-Mobil spokesman, Walter B. Jamieson said, “This will be the greatest park in the world. We’ll put in some roller coasters, five star hotels, and world class shopping. Of course, the wildlife will be perfectly preserved. They’ll be placed in zoos. And get this, the kids will get to pet, feed and kill their own buffaloes. What a deal!”

Yellowstone visitor, eight year old, Kimmy Taylor was excited about the new park. “This park is so boring now. I can’t wait to ride the new rides, play arcade games and plug a buffalo.”

Exxon-Mobil employees will be stationed throughout the park, guiding tourists to shopping, pointing out old points of interest and explaining why privatization of national parks is a good, necessary, patriotic thing to do.

Park officials also plan to open up drill sites to tourists so they can see a good old fashioned oil strike. “If you think Ol’ Faithful was something,” said Jamieson. “Wait until you get a load of a gusher spurting that beautiful black gold into the air. Oh God! Oh God!!! What a sight!!!!” Jamieson then excused himself and went to the bathroom to masturbate.

Other proposed corporate sponsorships include: Georgia-Pacific Redwood National Park, Texaco Zion National Park, and Phelps Dodge Grand Canyon National Park.

Rewind: A Trip To The Woodshed

We’ve got five months left in this joke of an election called Con-a-thon 2012. It’s amazing to us that so many of the so called ‘liberal’ media outlets are acting like all the problems we’re facing today are all Obama’s fault. It seems they’ve had a complete brain fart on the Bush administration. Let us not forgot that it was Dubya’s misadventures in Iraq and Afghanistan and the spending associated with those messes (not to mention the housing fiasco) that has put America in the pit it’s in today.

Here’s a photo-toon from our December 2, 2006 issue to remind us of the those glorious days back when the housing market was collapsing, the deficit was skyrocketing, and both wars had the earmarks of going on indefinitely. This is also when former Secretary of State James Baker recommended a complete withdrawal of troops from Iraq by 2008. Of course, Dubya didn’t want to do it. Well, someone with authority and a hickory switch had to give lil’ Dub-Dub a lil’ old-fashioned comeuppance.

At former President George H.W. Bush's request, former Secretary of State James Baker took President Bush out to the White House woodshed to dispense some much needed discipline.

 

This Is The Word Of Arpaio

Once again, Arizona has moved to the forefront of the news with some more lunacy, this time courtesy of Secretary of State Ken Bennett. Last week, Bennett said that although he doesn’t believe it, ‘several constituents’ wanted proof that President Barack Obama was actually born in Hawaii, even though he officially released his certificate of live birth which has been verified many times by Hawaiian officials. Look at his CNN video about the ‘birther’ conspiracy. But this isn’t good enough for the ‘birthers’. And of course the head ‘birther’ in Arizona is Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Arpaio is known as “America’s toughest sheriff” because of his unorthodox disciplinarian methods used on prisoners such as making them wear pink underwear, live in tents, work on chain gangs and eat green bologna.  He’s no stranger to controversy. He’s currently being investigated by the federal government for abuse of power for his enforcement methods of the controversial anti-illegal immigration act SB1070. We remember when this unenforceable, discriminatory law was passed, a journalist famously asked Governor Jan ‘Skeletor’ Brewer, ‘What does an illegal immigrant looks like?’. In true Brewer fashion, she gave a deer in the headlight look, hemmed, hawed, mumbled and finally admitted she didn’t know. Because she knows that to enforce the law, you have to racially profile a certain segment of the population and to the conservative mindset, that means Hispanics.

Yes, Sheriff Arpaio has indeed been a popular figure in Arizona, especially with conservatives. He’s been in office for twenty years. He even had a short tv series on Fox Realty Channel. But we think his ego has gotten out of control. There’s a laundry list of controversies surrounding this man including several concerning abuse of power. His pursuance of the ‘birther’ issue using taxpayers money and the SB 1070 law are just two of the latest more annoying instances of this abuse of power.

So we say this to Sheriff Joe(like he’s going to listen to us): Please retire. Arizona can survive without you as Sheriff. You’re 80 years old. You’ve had a great twenty year run and a lot of great moments. Even we liked the pink underwear and chain gangs. But this latest escapade with the ‘birthers’ and SB1070 shows that it’s time to ride off into the sunset in true Arizona sheriff tradition. Please quit embarrassing our great state and give the reins to someone else.

So remember Arizonans: do ol’ Sheriff Joe and this state a big favor this fall and vote him out of office.

Space station astronauts took this photo of the ego inflated head of Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio rising up into the troposphere proclaiming his words of wisdom to all within earshot.

 

The Used Car Salesman

With the withdrawal of Rick “Google Me” Santorum from the Republican Presidential race, frontrunner Spiff Romney is practically assured of the nomination in the farce that is Con-a-thon 2012. This means that Americans will be deluged with malarkey from Republicans for the next six months on Romney being a man of the people, when the reality is he’s been born with a silver spoon in his mouth and has lived a very privileged life much like the 1%ers and the ‘people who are corporations’ he truly represents. But he’s great at conning people with his Pepsodent smile, not-a-hair-out-of-place hairstyle and dapper clothing. He’s the GOP used car salesman. So believe the flip-flopper, Spiff Romney, at your own risk America.  If you buy his bs, chances are you and America will be getting a lemon.

Likely GOP Presidential nominee and flip-flopper extraordinaire, Spiff Romney, uses his used car salesman tactics to cajole lowly poor people into voting for him this fall.

The GOP’s War on Broccoli

It looks like the Supreme Court isn’t going to be kind to Obamacare and it looks like it’s because of that damn ‘judicial activism’ that gives Republicans hissy fits. Yes those CONservative activist judges have argued that the individual mandate is un-American which is weird because Republicans were for the individual mandate not too long ago. Even GOP Presidential candidate Spiff Romney was for it before he was against it. One CONservative activist judge, who is also Republican, has even stated that people shouldn’t be forced to buy health insurance because it would be like forcing people to eat broccoli.

What is it about Republicans and broccoli? This isn’t the first time the nutritious but bland tasting vegetable has been vilified by a well known Republican. Remember back during President George H.W. Bush’s term when he said how much he hated broccoli? Well, broccoli hating is back in vogue thanks to the Supreme Court, which is supposed to be composed of wise individuals who don’t let their politics affect their decisions. Hmmm… corporations are people, healthcare only for those who can afford it(very un-christian), strip searches for minor offenses… the GOP is right after all: activist judges are ruining this country. Just in case you’re keeping track at home, the new things the GOP wants you to be afraid of: people wearing hoodies, broccoli and …sinister music please…Obamacare.

Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia, who is also a conservative Republican, warns Americans of the latest threats to our liberty and freedom.

 

Beer, Guns, and Car Crashes

It looks more and more like Spiff Romney is going to be the GOP nominee. But he polls very badly with southern Republicans and has lost all the southern primaries thus far except for Florida. Well, the Bucket is here to help the ol’ Spiffster. That’s why we’re presenting this selection as our Book o’ the Month by the ‘Sidney Sheldon of the Deep South’, Billy Joe Ray Bob Cooper. Read this book, Spiff Romney, and develop a new Southern strategy based on three key ingredients: beer, guns, and car crashes. Oh and mentioning Jesus a million times sure couldn’t hurt either.