Back to our Sports BS… and picking on the pre-Ken Whisenhunt Arizona Cardinals. Here’s a BilgeBucket List from our November 13, 2006 issue.
Well it’s November so that means the football Cardinals are battling it out for the cellar of their division. Since the Cardinals moved to the Valley of the Sun in 1988, they’ve had one winning season in 1998 with a record of 9-7. They did win a first round playoff game against the Cowboys that year, but come on; this team bites it! Year in and year out, this teams finds a way to lose! Playing in a brand new stadium, the Cardinals are 1-8 and are the worst team in the NFL. What’s the one constant lo these many years: dweebish owner Bill Bidwell. So we say to Mr. Bidwell, do the football fans of Arizona a favor and just sell this team already! Now that our soapbox moment has passed, we present the top excuses for this year’s Cardinals team.
- Our new multi-million dollar stadium is nice but we need a newer one if we’re going to have a winning record
- The opponents make funny faces and we start laughing
- We can’t seem to play well if people are watching us
- We are grossly underpaid
- Matt Leinart is distracted by all the commercial scripts he’s got to memorize
- We can’t run because our cheerleaders keep giving us boners
- Coach Green scares us
- It’s too damn hot here!
- We keep thinking about those BBQ Ribs at Mr. B’s Bowtie Barbecue
- We’re still recovering from quarterback Jim Hart’s retirement in the early ‘80s
- We need a mascot a little more intimidating than an 8 inch, seed eating, red bird; we’re friggin’ football players damn it!
- We’re blinded by Bill Bidwell’s incandescent charisma