We’d like to wish everyone a Happy Festivus!
And to Trump supporters…we think you know where you can stick the Festivus pole.
Tag Archive for christmas
Happy Festivus To You
And so we’re offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety-two
Although it’s been said many times
Many ways, Happy Festivus to you
That even goes for you, too, Bill O’Reilly!
Happy Festivus To All, And To All A Good Night
Happy Festivus to everyone, especially Bill O’Reilly!
Festivus For The Rest Of Us
Festivus is officially celebrated on December 23rd…so we’re late a couple days. Happy Festivus to everyone, especially Bill O’Reilly!
Celebrate Christmas or Die!
Do you need a last minute holiday gift? You came to the right place! Fox News talk show host Bill O’Reilly, whose only goal in life is to look out for you, has released a new book just in time for you to buy it and stuff it… in your stocking for Christmas, Festivus or whatever the hell holiday you celebrate this time of year. He gives key strategies on dealing with people who have non-Christian ideologies and how to beat the holy hell out them, all in the joyous spirit of the season. And with a foreward by Ms. Ubetcha, how can anyone refuse!
Fox News talk show host Bill O'Reilly, whose only goal in life is to look out for you, has released a new book filled with strategies on how to annihilate anyone who has the audacity to wish you 'Happy Holidays' instead of 'Merry Christmas'.
Top Holiday Gifts For 2013
The holiday season is in full swing. If you haven’t spent yourself into bankruptcy yet and are still looking for the right gift for that special someone in your life, look no further. Our intrepid staff has conveniently compiled a list of the hot “gotta have it” items for this years holiday season. Take this to the mall and don’t forget your helmet, spiked gloves and shoulder pads. Holiday shopping is dangerous!
- An Official Miley Cyrus Foam Finger
- A painting by George W. Bush of George W. Bush in the bathtub
- ‘Moby Dick’ by Rand Paul
- The NSA Super Snooper Spy Kit – For Kids
- Ted Cruz’s new fragrance: Arrogant Ass
- A lump of coal autographed by Dick Cheney
- ‘The Great Gatsby’ by Rand Paul
- Sarah Palin’s Book ‘Good Tidings and Great Joy’ Yule Log
- ‘Kwanzaa For Dummies’ by Paula Deen
- A Carlos Danger Action Figure with Realistic Twerkin’ Motion
- Walter White’s Meth Starter Kit – For Kids
- ‘Atlas Shrugged’ by Rand Paul
- A ‘Jesus was a Liberal’ T-Shirt (blatant capitalistic plug)
- Guns, guns and more guns
- Healthcare
Holiday Conversations At The Mall
iPads, iPhones, Androids and other mobile devices are everywhere and you can really observe this when you go xmas shopping your nearest mall. In the olden days, one might turn to the person shopping next to them or standing in line and start a conversation. Now, everyone is having conversations… on their cell phones. They’re chatting with their best friends about the bargains they’re seeing or they’ve got their heads down gazing at their smart phones checking their all important Facebook status. Happy Holidays folks, but please don’t talk to us…we’re playing Angry Birds.
Everyone is spreading holiday cheer this year at the local shopping mall by constantly checking their mobile devices and having conversations...on their cell phones.
America’s Culture Warrior
It’s almost mid-December, which means that America’s self proclaimed ‘culture warrior’, Bill O’Reilly, is in the midst of his annual ranting about the so called ‘War on Christmas’. We’ve commented on O’Reilly before. He’s one of the neocons over at Fox News, a.k.a. The Republican Propaganda Network, so this ‘War on Christmas’ fits right in with the ‘journalism’ dished out on a daily basis there. Of course, O’Reilly conveniently ignores any facts which get in the way of his agenda, like fourth century christians declaring that christmas should be on December 25th because that’s when the pagans celebrated the winter solstice. Sorry folks; Jesus wasn’t born on christmas. But that doesn’t give us warm fuzzies, and if you’re religious it’s all about the warm fuzzies. O’Reilly has a cow because people say ‘Happy Holidays’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas’, yet the word holiday comes from the merging of two old English words which mean ‘holy day’. And yet after O’Reilly delivered performed a recent rant, Fox News showed a message which wished the audience ‘Happy Holidays’.
Here’s a photo-toon from our October 6, 2006 issue, which shows America’s favorite ‘culture warrior’ O’Reilly ready to slay all the evil, secular dragons who have the audacity to say ‘Happy Holidays’.
Fox News talk show host, Bill O'Reilly, whose only goal in life is to look out for you, has written a book, Culture Warrior, where he fancies himself not only as a protector of Christmas but also a defender of American culture. In the book, he names and analyzes his enemies so his loyal thinking impaired followers will know whom to hate.
Top Holiday Gifts For 2011
The holiday season is in full swing. If you haven’t spent yourself into bankruptcy yet and are still looking for the right gift for that special someone in your life, look no further. Our intrepid staff has conveniently compiled a list of the hot “gotta have it” items for this years holiday season. Take this to the mall and don’t forget your helmet, spiked gloves and shoulder pads. Holiday shopping is dangerous!
- A set of masonry drill bits
- Texas Hold ‘Em Poker Starter Set – For Kids
- Mazeltel’s Talking Menorah featuring the voice of Fran Drescher
- Mercenary Jesus Hummel Figurine
- Lindsay Lohan’s new fragrance: Eau dat Skank
- Pischer Frice’s My First AK-47 – For Kids
- A jar of Colon Cleanse
- A $30,000 Tiffany’s yellow diamond ring with a double-row of white round brilliant diamonds in platinum and 18k gold – Oops…That’s just for Newt and Callista Gingrich
- Allahsbro’s Lil’ Suicider Fun Kit
- Joan Rivers’ Do-It-Yourself Skin Tightening Clamps
- Fear Factor Bug And Testicle Blender – For Kids
- A barrel of sweet crude
- ‘My Favorite Kwanzaa Memories‘ audio CD by Mitt Romney
- A shiny, new Festivus pole
Top Rejected Holiday Television Specials
It’s the holiday season and that means television will be saturated with Holiday Specials like Rudolph The Red-Nose Reindeer, The Grinch Who Stole Christmas and …gulp…The Little Drummer Boy. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! However, our intrepid staff has uncovered some specials that the networks rejected and will never be released on the airwaves. Which is really too bad because some of these look like sure fire crowd pleasers.
- The Arby’s Oven Mitt Saves Christmas
- How Santa Gambled Christmas Away
- Joe Lieberman’s Dreidel Mania
- Newt and Callista Gingrinch’s Christmas at Tiffany’s
- Call Me Mistress Claus
- Harvey The Wino Drinks the Spirits of Christmas
- Sarah Palin’s Reindeer Hunt
- Quentin Tarantino’s Candy Cokehead Offs Frosty The Snowman
- A Very Dick Cheney Kwanzaa
- Don We Now Our Gay Apparel: A Rick Santorum Christmas Nightmare
- Heidi the Christmas Hooker and The Motel Room Miracle