conservative – Page 41 – BilgeBucket Gazette

A Dick Says What?

Guess who’s reared his ugly head again. That’s right, everyone’s favorite Dick, Uncle Dick Cheney, has come out of hiding to share his wisdom with the rest of the world. This so-called foreign policy expert, five years removed from his failure in Iraq, popped up on media shows along with other chicken hawk neocons like Paul Wolfowitz, Bill Kristol and everyone’s favorite crusty old curmudgeon John McCain. Yes these same people who failed so miserably with that clusterf**k called the Iraq War had the audacity to criticize Obama on getting us out of the Iraq Quagmire and then pinning the recent insurgency in Iraq on him. The architect of that failure, Uncle Dick even said “Rarely has a US president been so wrong about so much at the expense of so many.” And no he wasn’t talking about George W. Bush. Of course, this was met with a huge WTF by most competent, clear thinking individuals. Even Fox News’ Megyn Kelly, in a rare fit of journalism, called Uncle Dick on his BS. We like Secretary of State John Kerry’s response to Uncle Dick’s buffoonery. All we have to say about Mr. Cheney is “WHAT A DICK!” And as for all the other neocon chickenhawks; we think they should move to Iraq, don some armor, go to the front lines and show us all how to win the war.

Dick Cheney talks about the worst President ever and George W. Bush shows up. — Dick Cheney has resurfaced to show his displeasure for a man who was a complete failure as a President.

This will be our last post of our Ann Coulter retrospective because quite frankly we’re sick of her and we don’t want to waste any more of our precious energy on this pile of waste. Remember when the Living Skeleton said that ‘Jews can be perfected by finding Christ’. back in 2007? Here’s a photo-toon from our October 28, 2007 issue. Yes, the Nazis would have been proud of you Kommandant Coulter.

Neoconservative author and pundit, Ann Coulter, recently appeared on CNBC talk show, The Big Idea, and proudly proclaimed that Jews needed to be 'perfected' by becoming Christian. and possibly sent to special camps. — Neoconservative author and pundit, Ann Coulter, recently appeared on CNBC talk show, The Big Idea, and proudly proclaimed that Jews needed to be 'perfected' by becoming Christian.

Chef Coulter

Continuing with our Ann Coulter retrospective… Remember the time when Ann Coulter joked about slipping some rat poison into then Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens’ creme brulee? Hmmmm. Sounds like Ms. Coulter would be perfect for Hell’s Kitchen. This photo-toon from our February 13, 2006 issue depicts Chef Coulter delivering the goods. What a ray of sunshine she is!

Neoconservative author and commentator Ann Coulter thoughtfully bakes up some creme brulee loaded with hemlock, arsenic and other tasty toxins for liberal Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens. She's just joking, of course.

Coultergeist

The specter of right wing conservative angel, Ann Coulter, reared it’s ugly head again recently. In an effort to be her usual charming self, Ms. Coulter attempted to mock the #BringBackOurGirls campaign on Twitter and Facebook that completely blew up in her face — hilariously.

We don’t make fun of neocon personalities like Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly or Ann Coulter very much anymore because frankly it’s just not worth it commenting on piles of dung that are shaped like human beings. But we’ll run a brief retrospective of Ms. Coulter with a couple of our favorite photo-toons from the early aughts. Here’s one from June 19th, 2006 where Annie aimed her rapier wit at those ruthless 9/11 widows.

Jesus commends Ann Coulter for attacking the 9/11 harpies because Ann Coulter is the real victim. — 'Compassionate' conservative author, Ann Coulter, gets a ringing endorsement on her new book, Godless: The Church of Liberalism, in which she comments on the 9/11 widows, "These broads are millionaires, lionized on TV and in articles about them, reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by grief-arazzis. I've never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much." .

Ugggh! Fox Say Science Bad!

Those wacky conservatives over at Fox News, a.k.a, Republican Propaganda Network, have really become desperate lately. And rightly so. This week, two scientific papers have concluded that the glaciers in West Antarctica have now begun to irreversibly collapse. Of course, this bit of news contradicts everything Fox pushes concerning climate change. As a matter of fact, if you want accurate scientific news, Fox would be the last place you’d probably want to watch according to a recent analysis by the Union of Concerned Scientists. But that doesn’t stop those intrepid ‘journalists’ at Fox from spouting off their own business-and-industry-filtered theories concerning science. Why just last week, conservative guru, Charles Krauthammer, waxed poetic about how he thought that science was wrong, especially about climate change. Remember the Fox News mantra; if you have to think about it, it can’t possibly be true.

Charles Krauthammer explains that science is bad and Fox News is good while Sean Hannity reminds people of the Fox News mantra. — Fox contributor, Charles Krauthammer, expounds on his complex theories of climate change and science in general to Fox ‘journalist’ Sean Hannity.

The New GOP Strategist

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you probably know about the conservative movement’s new hero, Cliven Bundy. He’s the Nevada Rancher who’s been grazing his cattle on federal lands because he feels that it’s his land and not the gubmint’s. Well, as we all know from the Sarah Palin for Vice President fiasco in 2008, conservative Republicans don’t seem to be too good at the vetting process. Just after Fox News ‘journalist’ Sean Hannity, picked Mr. Bundy as his new American hero, ol’ Cliven proclaimed his belief that African Americans had a good thing going with slavery. Although initial indications are that Republicans are putting distance between themselves and ol’ Cliven (at least for the time being), we think that the GOP has a new position for him.

Supreme Lackeys

In case it wasn’t clear after the Citizens United v. F.E.C decision in 2010, last week’s McCutcheon v. F.E.C decision has made it abundantly clear to all Americans; our democracy has transformed itself into an oligarchy where democracy exists only if you have money…and lots of it. This latest decision, which removes donation limits, was split 5-4, with all the compassionate conservative Republicans on the bench voting to give control of the country to those poor, underrepresented plutocrats, billionaire CEOs and job creators. So to summarize: the corporate lackeys on the bench have made it possible for more corporate lackeys in congress. And they can do this because, thanks to Citizens United, corporations are people, too. America: For the Corporation, By the Corporation.

Poor Plutocrats everywhere are rejoicing now that their corporate lackeys on the Supreme Court have given them control of America. — Plutocrats everywhere are rejoicing now that their corporate lackeys on the Supreme Court have finally given them a voice in the running of America.

Rummy Shows Some TLC

Since Donald Rumsfeld has decided to delight us with his presence again, we’ve decided to do a little Rummy Retrospective featuring some of his more hilarious antics from his tenure as Bush Secretary of Defense.

Remember that time ol’ Rummy spoke coherently and explained the complexities of the Iraq War? Neither do we. But there was the time back in December 2004, when Rummy was on the hot seat after one of his infamous quotes. At the time, soldiers were having to search through dumps for scrap metal so they could augment the inadequate armor they currently had on their vehicles, since you know, they were getting blown up. When a soldier asked why they didn’t have the armor available to protect the soldiers from harm, Rummy said, “It isn’t a matter of money. It isn’t a matter on the part of the army of desire. It’s a matter of production and capability of doing it. As you know, ah, you go to war with the army you have—not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time.—You can have all the armor in the world on a tank and it can (still) be blown up…” What a compassionate conservative! Here’s a photo-toon from our January 16, 2005 issue, when Rummy tried to make it up to the troops with some TLC.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld shows how much of a 'compassionate conservative' he is by showing some TLC for the troops. — Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld shows how much of a 'compassionate conservative' he is by whipping up a batch of goodies loaded with TLC for the troops.

Rewind: Smells Like Rummy

It’s been like those old halcyon days of the Bush Administration lately. In our last post, Dick Cheney and Condoleezza Rice spoke out against Obama’s foreign policy with Russia. Now, former Secretary of Defense and one of the architects of the debacle known as the Iraq War, Donald Rumsfeld, has crawled out of whatever hole he’s been hiding in and weighed in with his two cents (as if anyone cares.) Good Ol’ Rummy said last week that ‘a trained ape’ would be better at foreign policy than Obama. This from a man who completely clusterf**ked the Iraq War and had to be removed from his post for his incompetence (or excellence as the Republicans remember it). Here’s an article from our November 13, 2006 edition right after the 2006 elections when the Democrats won the House and Senate.

Rumsfeld Becomes President Of Rumsfeldia

Donald Rumsfeld, fresh from his dismissal as Secretary of Defense last week declared himself President of Rumsfeldia, which is what he calls his residence in Maryland.

“Am I surprised I was dismissed? Not really,” said a candid Rumsfeld from his living room throne. “Am I disappointed? You bet. But as I’ve said before, the President is correct whatever it was he said. Although I wish he hadn’t said what he said he said. Did I just say that? It doesn’t matter. What I mean to say is, sure, this is a setback. Will I recover? I think so, but the future’s not ours to see. Que sera sera! I don’t do predictions. I also don’t do dishes. Joyce, I’ve dirtied my coffee cup. Come clean it; on the double soldier. Where’s my latest issue of People? This Britney Spears divorce intrigues me to no end. She should have got out years ago.”

Rumsfeld’s wife, Joyce, seemed stressed and frazzled about her husband being around the house all the time. “He’s going to drive me nuts. It’s only been a few days, but he’s making me cuckoo bananas. He just sits there in the living room, which we’re supposed to call Command Central, or he rearranges the furniture or reorders the books on the shelves. Yesterday, he was in his bathtub playing naval battle with his model ships. Oy vey!”

Neighbor Fred Dittmeier said while cleaning his barbecue pit, “Don’s a smart guy. He needs to be active all the time. I’ve got a great job for him. He could be a greeter over at the Juggermart in Chevy Chase. He’d be a natural. He’s always got a clever response to questions. Plus he’s a former Secretary of Defense. I mean, what a drawing card! And just think of the classic Rumsfeld quotes he’d be spewing from that post. ‘Of course I know where the garden supplies are; they’re in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat.’ Wouldn’t that be a hoot!”

Rumsfeld daughter Marcy said, “I’m really worried about Dad. Like at dinner the other night, Mom put out the regular dinner plates and Dad questioned why Mom was putting out pottery ware for a Sunday dinner. Mom explained the good china was being cleaned and that this was all that was available. Well Dad was crestfallen. He muttered that you go to dinner with the plates you have not the plates you want or wish you had at a later time. He’s just repeating his old quotes over and over again. Mom’s hair’s already white. It’s gonna start falling out pretty soon.”

When asked about his immediate plans, Rumsfeld mused over the possibilities. “Well I’ll tell you. I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was not predictable when it started. It’s like I’ve said before: there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns — the ones we don’t know we don’t know. I’d have to say I fall into that latter category.”

Rumsfeld then started micromanaging his pets. “Fluffy get off the couch. And pick up that hairball. Rover, why do you always have to lick yourself? And you Goldie! Honestly, if you don’t start swimming soon, it’ll be the toilet for you. And you Fido, quit sniffing Rover’s butt! You don’t know where it’s been. Besides, you’re doing it all wrong. Move aside. Must I do everything?”

Oh The Irony

Well guess who’s been speaking up now that Russia has invaded Crimea in the Ukraine? Why it’s a couple of our old buddies from the Bush administration, Dick Cheney and Condoleezza Rice. Dick Cheney, says that we should not take this invasion of a sovereign nation lightly and that no country should be allowed to do that to another country. And Condoleezza Rice echoes those sentiments. Haven’t they done enough for the world already? Of course, as we all learned from those eight fantabulicious years of Dubya and his pals, conservative Republicans are somewhat irony impaired. But hey… Dick Cheney just realizes that war is good business. So if there is the possibility of stoking another cold war and making money off of weaponry or oil, by golly, Dick’s going to be there on the front line ready for the profit taking (see Iraq War). What a Dick!

Dick Cheney and Condoleezza Rice see no irony in stating that no country like Russia has the right to invade another sovereign country like the Ukraine. — Former members of the Bush Administration and architects of the fiasco called the Iraq War, Dick Cheney and Condoleezza Rice proudly display their irony impairment for all the world to admire.