Tag Archive for 2012

Santorum, Kansas: Proudly Entering the Stone Age

It looks like Rick “Google Me” Santorum has won the Kansas caucuses in the sham that is… Con-a-thon 2012. Yes a whopping 1% of the population in Kansas cast their votes Saturday and Mr. Santorum tallied an impressive 15,000 votes. Wow! Can you feel the excitement?! It’s like the ‘Joe-Mentum’ of Joe Lieberman all over again.

Of course it’s not surprising that Santorum won Kansas given it’s recent history of supporting teaching creationism…oops…I mean ‘intelligent design’ in its schools alongside evolution. And according to creationism…oops…I mean ‘intelligent design’ the world is only a few thousand years old and stone age man roamed the earth with fun loving dinosaurs frolicking at their heels. Here’s a photo-toon from our December 7, 2005 issue. The cave man’s resemblance to Mr. Santorum is uncanny!

The U.S. Mint reissued a newly designed Kansas state quarter to reflect the Kansas Board of Education's decision to allow teaching intelligent design in science classrooms alongside evolution.

The White Knight

It’s pretty obvious by the anemic turnout for the primaries and caucuses in the farce that is Con-a-thon 2012, that there are many Republicans who aren’t too thrilled with the four candidates that have survived thus far: Spiff Romney, Rick “Google Me” Santorum, Uncle Newtie Gingrich and that gruff ol’ Prospector Ron “I’m agin’ everything” Paul. Polls also indicate that President Obama would have an easy time beating any of these candidates. There are many articles on the mainstream media sites speaking of a brokered convention and a new ‘white knight’ candidate to ride in and rescue the party from ignominious defeat in November. Well we’ve discovered that a new candidate, who reflects the values of the most extreme conservative Republicans (who just so happen to have a stranglehold on the party), has stepped forward to change the fortunes of the GOP. Finally the ‘white knight’ has arrived!

A ‘White Knight’ candidate has emerged for the Republicans who embodies everything that the extreme right wing conservatives hold dear.

 

Get Back In The Kitchen!

Amazingly, former Senator Rick “Google Me” Santorum, is the leader again in the joke that is Con-a-thon 2012, ‘surging’ last week and taking the caucuses in Colorado and Minnesota and the Missouri primary. Of course, like previous primaries and caucuses, the turnout was anemic, though you’d never get that info from the mainstream media. Total votes cast in Missouri; about 270,000 or 4.4% of the total population. Total votes cast in Colorado; about 66,000 or 1.3% of the total population. Total votes cast in Minnesota; about 49,000 or 0.9% of the population. I don’t think anyone can say these candidates are thrilling anybody, except maybe the 1%ers.

It’s especially interesting that Santorum is leading again given his archaic views on not only women, but topics like immigration, education, defense, evolution and life in general. We already knew about his anti-choice and anti-contraception stances; all out of the dark ages. But recently he said that women aren’t equipped for combat either and even has questioned the value of women in the workplace. Of course, these views are in line with the conservative agenda, and in particular conservative catholics. How can contraception be a sin when there are now 7 billion people on the planet?!!! We think that since Newt Gingrich has proposed a moon base, maybe Rick Santorum should propose building a time machine and travel back to the period in history that is more appropriate for his way of thinking: the days when neanderthal man roamed the earth, which according to Santorum’s creationist dogma was only about six thousand years ago.

GOP candidate Rick 'Google Me' Santorum, enlightens the 2012 CPAC convention about woman's place in American society.

 

Prospector Paul Reckons Thar’s Gold in Them Thar Cornfields

It’s looks like there might be a new front runner in the GOP Con-a-thon 2012 Presidential race; that eternal contrarian, Ron Paul. Really? Ron Paul? The guy who’s been running since 2007 and no one takes seriously? Well, that crusty ol’ codger is leading in some polls with the Iowa caucuses only a week away. Paul has plodded along in the back of the Republican field mostly because of his libertarian views; he’s too conservative for liberals and he’s too liberal for conservatives. However, he has many staunch fans who like his cantankerous demeanor and his all-over-the-map views on issues ranging from his non-interventionist foreign policy to his vehement anti-abortion stance to his pro-prostitution views. We here at the Bucket see him as that ol’ prospector sidekick from the westerns. He’s good for comic relief and pushing discussions and issues forward, but should he really be leading the posse. Con sarn it, we’re agin’ it!

GOP candidate and crusty, contrarian curmudgeon, Ron Paul, reckons he'll rustle up some votes and vittles in ol' I-O-WAY.

Uncle Newtie’s Kinder Care Plan

Republican Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich has officially commenced the second destruction of his campaign just as polls showed him rising from the ashes from his first disintegration and leading the other GOP hopefuls in Con-a-thon 2012. He recently was quoted as saying that the current child labor laws are stupid and that he would change them as soon as he could if he were President. Hey, we couldn’t agree more. We should return to those halcyon days of the 19th century when labor laws were lax and children were poor and hungry enough to work for a pittance or if they’re really industrious, a cup of gruel. The earlier a child, a.k.a worker drone, realizes that the only purpose for their existence is spending his or her life as an insignificant cog in the machinery of the Corporate States of America, the better off he or she will be. It’s compassionate conservatism, folks. Just accept it and don’t ask questions.

Since Newtie has entered tin foil hat territory, we’re wondering who will be the next flavor of the month for the Republicans? Will it finally be Spiff Romney?(Not bloody likely!) Or will Ms. Ubetcha announce her candidacy after much reflection and encouragement from her Tea Party Patriots? This is better than a Mexican telenovela. Stay tuned America!

GOP candidate and 19th century aficionado, Newt Gingrich, has made the astute observation that children spend far too much time playing and should instead be preparing themselves for a life of corporate drudgery as a wage slave.

The New GOP Flavor of the Month is…

According to new polls, the new GOP flavor of the month is Newtie Fruitie Gingrich. Gingrich? Really? Haven’t we been down this path before? No matter, the laughs just keeps on coming! The Republicans just don’t want to pick Mitt(Spiff) Romney do they. But we have no doubt that Newtie will do or say something stupid to deflate his poll numbers again. Hmmmm, if Mr. Conservative Family Values makes it to the White House do you think he’ll dump the Snow Queen and get a new trophy wife? He’s got a track record folks. Just sayin’.

GOP conservative candidate Newt Gingrich assures America that the only surge he'll make is into Tiffany's.

Three Good Reasons To Vote For Rick Perry

Rick Perry’s debate brain fart is now the biggest story in Con-a-thon 2012, replacing Herman Cain’s sexual harassment allegations as top fodder for political pundits. The laughs just keep on coming!

GOP candidate Rick Perry is still trying to come up with reasons why anyone would want to vote for him.

 

 

It Was This Big

Con-a-thon 2012 Republican front runner, Herman Cain, author of plan 999 from outer space, has had a bad couple weeks. Several women have come forward with allegations of sexual harassment by the former pizza magnate. Of course, Cain, Boss Limhogg and all the GOP blowhards from Fox News have not only denied all charges but have launched attacks against the victims. Did he sexually harass these women? We don’t know, but it sure is interesting watching Mr. Cain come up with explanations.

GOP candidate Herman Cain announces that a recent allegation of sexual harassment was just a misunderstanding and that he was just explaining to one of his many female admirers how he once made a pizza at a Republican fundraiser.

 

Con-a-thon 2012

The Republican comedy tour continues this fall and now it looks like there is a new front runner. Former pizza magnate Herman Cain, has surged to the top of Republican polls touting his plan 999 from outer space in order to save the planet. Sounds like another flavor of the month to us.

We’ve held off as long as we could, but we’re going to start our coverage of the upcoming election, Con-a-thon 2012. Today we present the leading GOP comedians candidates: Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, Rick Perry, Mitt(Spiff) Romney, Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich.