Satire that shovels it to the public – just like the real media!
More headlines, this time from ’05 (or aught 5 as us grizzled old desert rats say).
| Aniston, Pitt Split: Life As We Know It Likely Over |
| Meaning Of Life Revealed In Ashlee Simpson Song |
| Bush Proposes $80 Gazillion More Dollars For Iraq: Vows To Remove Troops By 22nd Century |
| Rumsfeld Launches New Fragrance: Rummy |
| MLB’s Angels Rename Team: Now Called The Amazing Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim Located In The Trendy California County Of Orange In The Awesome Country Of The United States Of America |
In light of the recent event in Colorado, it may be time to revisit the Assault Weapon Ban, which was signed into law in 1994 and expired in September 2004. Seriously, do we really need assault weapons to hunt quail?
Here’s an article from our September 26, 2004 issue.
Terrorists and gun nuts alike from across the globe are applauding the expiration of the sale of assault weapons in the United States. The ban, signed into law in 1994, prevented the sale of weapons like AK-47, Colt AR15s, and UZIs from being sold over the counter at gun dealerships.
“Wow!” said Al-Qaeda operative, Abdul Al-Zaqawi. “This makes my job so much easier. Now I don’t have to worry about sneaking weapons past security checkpoints. I just enter the country through the porous borders and buy my weaponry here. What a country! I wonder if I can get a grenade launcher?”
Presidential Candidate John Kerry expressed concern about the ban lift, stating that most Americans support the ban and that the failure to renew the law is a blatant handout to the pro-Republican gun lobby led by the National Rifle Association (NRA). Kerry said, “George Bush chose to make the job of terrorists easier and make the job of America’s police officers harder, and that’s just plain wrong.”
NRA members scoffed at Kerry’s statements. Justin Martin of Plain River, Iowa, said, “America is all about owning a gun and John Kerry just doesn’t understand that. I need my assault weapon for hunting. You really can’t kill a quail effectively without an UZI.”
Darryl Cooder, of Scarlet Thorax, Texas, said, “Alls I know is that John Kerry hates America. If he thinks I’m gonna give up my assault weapon, he’s got another think coming. I’d rather sleep with my AK-47 than my wife. Hell, I’d marry my gun if I could. Maybe I’ll support that queer marriage thing after all.”
NRA president Charlton Heston, exuberantly proclaimed, “Guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns!”
Al-Qaeda Terrorist Mohammed Saif Abdullah expressed not only support for the ban lift, but also for President Bush. “I don’t know why Dick Cheney thinks that Al-Qaeda wants John Kerry to win the election,” he said. “Thanks to George Bush and his invasion of Iraq, we are able to recruit more and more people every day from all over the Muslim world. We are also making progress in winning back Afghanistan. And just look at the gift George Bush just gave us! Maybe we can still get some nuclear weapons. I mean after all, he missed Pakistan giving nuclear secrets to North Korea and Iran. Four more years! Four more years!”
The new movie, The Bourne Legacy, is due to open in theaters in August. However, in this movie, the action will revolve around a new character, Aaron Cross and not Jason Bourne, the former CIA assassin, turned rogue agent. This movie will surely be a blockbuster and the Bourne franchise will probably continue well into the future much like the James Bond series. Everybody loves a good spy film, right? Well, the BilgeBucket staff has come up with a list of suggested titles and plots for upcoming movies in the Bourne universe. If Hollywood chooses these gems, the movies are sure to be a smashing success!
More headlines from that glorious year 2004.
| New Clinton Library Has Smokin’ Hot Adult Section |
| BilgeBucket Gazette Predicts Nader Landslide |
| Local Tabby Gets Cat Scan |
| Intelligence Is Major Concern For Bush |
| Dan Quayle Endorses Bush: Sez “He’s Smarte!” |
Remember when they found the WMDs responsible for leading America to invade Iraq and start the Iraq War which lasted eight years, cost almost a trillion dollars, and killed (depending on your source) between 100,000 and 1 million people? Oh, that’s right…they never found them. Huh, guess we got taken for a ride by ol’ Dubya and company didn’t we. But surely nothing bad has or will result from it, right?
Oh well, here’s a photo-toon from our October 28, 2006 issue which shows the Bush administration finding the WMDs in a most unexpected place.
It’s monsoon season here in Cactus Corners, Arizona, which for us here in the blazing hot desert, is a kind of rainy season. The temps still stay above 100, but the humidity and dew point increase, so it gets more muggy. We get on average, about 8 inches of rain a year. We get on average, about 2.0-2.5 inches of rain during the monsoon season, which typically lasts from the beginning of July to about mid-September. Of course, mention our monsoon season to someone from India and they will laugh their ass off. In India, as much as 27 inches of rain can fall in a 24 hour period during their monsoon season. Nevertheless, the dust storms, thunderstorms and lightning storms that happen during July and August can be quite spectacular and a bit dangerous, even if they don’t always produce torrential rain.
With that in mind, here’s the forecast for this weekend.
A favorite feature nowadays in many papers across the country is one presenting local citizens who claim that they look like well known celebrities. Well we here at the Bucket know a lame-ass idea when we see it. We’ve asked residents of Cactus Corners, Arizona which celebrity they resemble. The results will astound you!
WARNING – You’re not seeing double folks!
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| Ruth Thomas: My girlfriends and co-workers at Juggermart say I look like Paris Hilton, especially when I pout and wear my jewel encrusted tiara. | |
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| Emil Martin: The kids at school don’t know what they’re talking about. My mommy says I look just like Justin Bieber. | |
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| Arthur Dinsdale III: People on the street are constantly stopping me and saying I’m the doppelganger of the 8th President of the United States, Martin Van Buren. CONSTANTLY, I tells ya!! | |
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| Stan, Men’s Department mannequin at Stack’s Fourth Avenue: The other mannequins in the store say I’m a dead ringer for Presidential candidate Mitt Romney. Quite frankly, I think I’ve got more personality. | |
The United States Mint has decided to re-issue the Arizona state quarter in honor of the state’s centennial. Instead of depicting the natural beauty of the state like they did the first time with the Grand Canyon, they’ve decided to represent the wacky right wing politicians who have commandeered this state and are now ramming their conservative agenda down our throats. Yes, nothing represents the new faces of crazy like Governor Jan “Skeletor” Brewer, Sheriff Joe “Just call me God” Arpaio and former state senator Russell “I’m not a Nazi” Pearce.
The Cactus Corners Singles Adventure Club is a singles club for adventure seeking individuals in the Cactus Corners, Arizona area. The BilgeBucket Gazette’s own Dex Rexter is a member of this fun loving group and has agreed to post upcoming events in an effort to boost membership. Meetings occur every other Friday at the Pink Gecko Karaoke Lounge in the Cactus Blossoms Strip Mall. Here are the exciting events planned for the coming weeks.
Continuing with the headline hit parade from 2004.
| Bush’s Solution For Rising Healthcare Costs: Don’t Get Sick |
| Goodfellas Cast Reunites For Nostalgic Dinner And Whacking |
| Gambling Vampire Dreads High Stakes Poker |
| Local Nerd Spends Weekend Playing With Palm |
| Cheney Jealous Of Trump Nickname: Wants To Be Called ‘The Dick’ |