It looks more and more like Spiff Romney is going to be the GOP nominee. But he polls very badly with southern Republicans and has lost all the southern primaries thus far except for Florida. Well, the Bucket is here to help the ol’ Spiffster. That’s why we’re presenting this selection as our Book o’ the Month by the ‘Sidney Sheldon of the Deep South’, Billy Joe Ray Bob Cooper. Read this book, Spiff Romney, and develop a new Southern strategy based on three key ingredients: beer, guns, and car crashes. Oh and mentioning Jesus a million times sure couldn’t hurt either.
GOP presidential candidate and neo-Neanderthal , Rick “Google Me” Santorum, showed off his diplomatic skills Wednesday while campaigning in Puerto Rico, when he said that for Puerto Rico to become a state, they would have to embrace English as the primary language. Puerto Rico currently is a bilingual U.S. commonwealth and is voting in November on whether or not to pursue statehood. Spanish is also the primary language in the country because of it’s strong Spanish heritage and history. Of course, Santorum’s view is consistent with conservative Republican’s world view that everyone should speak English and Americans should only have to speak English everywhere they go, despite the fact that the majority of people in the Western Hemisphere speak Spanish. His viewpoint reminds us of when Archie Bunker tried to speak Spanish on an episode of that classic 70’s sitcom, All in the Family. Pues, creemos que Santorum es un pendejo grande!
GOP candidate Rick 'Google Me' Santorum impresses the bilingual crowds in Puerto Rico with his command of the Spanish language.
It looks like Rick “Google Me” Santorum has won the Kansas caucuses in the sham that is… Con-a-thon 2012. Yes a whopping 1% of the population in Kansas cast their votes Saturday and Mr. Santorum tallied an impressive 15,000 votes. Wow! Can you feel the excitement?! It’s like the ‘Joe-Mentum’ of Joe Lieberman all over again.
Of course it’s not surprising that Santorum won Kansas given it’s recent history of supporting teaching creationism…oops…I mean ‘intelligent design’ in its schools alongside evolution. And according to creationism…oops…I mean ‘intelligent design’ the world is only a few thousand years old and stone age man roamed the earth with fun loving dinosaurs frolicking at their heels. Here’s a photo-toon from our December 7, 2005 issue. The cave man’s resemblance to Mr. Santorum is uncanny!
The U.S. Mint reissued a newly designed Kansas state quarter to reflect the Kansas Board of Education's decision to allow teaching intelligent design in science classrooms alongside evolution.
It’s pretty obvious by the anemic turnout for the primaries and caucuses in the farce that is Con-a-thon 2012, that there are many Republicans who aren’t too thrilled with the four candidates that have survived thus far: Spiff Romney, Rick “Google Me” Santorum, Uncle Newtie Gingrich and that gruff ol’ Prospector Ron “I’m agin’ everything” Paul. Polls also indicate that President Obama would have an easy time beating any of these candidates. There are many articles on the mainstream media sites speaking of a brokered convention and a new ‘white knight’ candidate to ride in and rescue the party from ignominious defeat in November. Well we’ve discovered that a new candidate, who reflects the values of the most extreme conservative Republicans (who just so happen to have a stranglehold on the party), has stepped forward to change the fortunes of the GOP. Finally the ‘white knight’ has arrived!
A ‘White Knight’ candidate has emerged for the Republicans who embodies everything that the extreme right wing conservatives hold dear.
It’s time to look at another one of the jesters in the GOP clown car that is Con-a-thon 2012. Good ol’ Uncle Newtie Gingrich, the GOP flavor of the month not too long ago, sure has stuck his foot in it again. He recently suggested in a speech on the campaign trail that those who ride the subway in New York are elitist. That’s right. You’re always hearing about the rich and powerful arriving at their $10,000 dollar a plate dinners taking the Blue Line in from their Central Park penthouse apartments. It will be interesting to see all the tuxedo and gown clad stars at the upcoming Oscar festivities, getting out of their subway cars on the Metro Red Line and hoofing it over to the Kodak Theatre. Seriously, if anyone is still planning on voting for Gingrich, they should probably seek psychiatric help first.
GOP candidate Newt Gingrich and his wife Callista splurge and take a ride on the 'Chariot of the Gods' to their favorite store.
Amazingly, former Senator Rick “Google Me” Santorum, is the leader again in the joke that is Con-a-thon 2012, ‘surging’ last week and taking the caucuses in Colorado and Minnesota and the Missouri primary. Of course, like previous primaries and caucuses, the turnout was anemic, though you’d never get that info from the mainstream media. Total votes cast in Missouri; about 270,000 or 4.4% of the total population. Total votes cast in Colorado; about 66,000 or 1.3% of the total population. Total votes cast in Minnesota; about 49,000 or 0.9% of the population. I don’t think anyone can say these candidates are thrilling anybody, except maybe the 1%ers.
It’s especially interesting that Santorum is leading again given his archaic views on not only women, but topics like immigration, education, defense, evolution and life in general. We already knew about his anti-choice and anti-contraception stances; all out of the dark ages. But recently he said that women aren’t equipped for combat either and even has questioned the value of women in the workplace. Of course, these views are in line with the conservative agenda, and in particular conservative catholics. How can contraception be a sin when there are now 7 billion people on the planet?!!! We think that since Newt Gingrich has proposed a moon base, maybe Rick Santorum should propose building a time machine and travel back to the period in history that is more appropriate for his way of thinking: the days when neanderthal man roamed the earth, which according to Santorum’s creationist dogma was only about six thousand years ago.
GOP candidate Rick 'Google Me' Santorum, enlightens the 2012 CPAC convention about woman's place in American society.
The shocking results from New Hampshire are in: a rich, white guy won the GOP primary. In this particular case, it was former Massachusetts governor, Spiff “I’m for everything” Romney winning and crusty ol’ prospector Ron “I’m agin’ everything” Paul coming in second. John “I’ve got three hot daughters” Huntsman finished a surprising third.
It’ll be interesting to see if Huntsman will become the next flavor of the month in this joke that is…drum roll please… Con-a-thon 2012. But for right now, Spiff Romney and his magic underwear are riding high. Will his momentum continue onto the next primary in South Carolina or will Uncle Newtie Gingrich’s ‘Anti-Romney’ campaign bring the Spiffster down? The suspense is just riveting isn’t it folks. How many more months of this crap do we have left?
GOP candidate and corporate hatchetman, Spiff Romney, won the New Hampshire primary handily with chameleon like tactics that will surely please everyone, especially corporate 'people' with deep pockets.
It’s looks like there might be a new front runner in the GOP Con-a-thon 2012 Presidential race; that eternal contrarian, Ron Paul. Really? Ron Paul? The guy who’s been running since 2007 and no one takes seriously? Well, that crusty ol’ codger is leading in some polls with the Iowa caucuses only a week away. Paul has plodded along in the back of the Republican field mostly because of his libertarian views; he’s too conservative for liberals and he’s too liberal for conservatives. However, he has many staunch fans who like his cantankerous demeanor and his all-over-the-map views on issues ranging from his non-interventionist foreign policy to his vehement anti-abortion stance to his pro-prostitution views. We here at the Bucket see him as that ol’ prospector sidekick from the westerns. He’s good for comic relief and pushing discussions and issues forward, but should he really be leading the posse. Con sarn it, we’re agin’ it!
GOP candidate and crusty, contrarian curmudgeon, Ron Paul, reckons he'll rustle up some votes and vittles in ol' I-O-WAY.
According to new polls, the new GOP flavor of the month is Newtie Fruitie Gingrich. Gingrich? Really? Haven’t we been down this path before? No matter, the laughs just keeps on coming! The Republicans just don’t want to pick Mitt(Spiff) Romney do they. But we have no doubt that Newtie will do or say something stupid to deflate his poll numbers again. Hmmmm, if Mr. Conservative Family Values makes it to the White House do you think he’ll dump the Snow Queen and get a new trophy wife? He’s got a track record folks. Just sayin’.
GOP conservative candidate Newt Gingrich assures America that the only surge he'll make is into Tiffany's.
Rick Perry’s debate brain fart is now the biggest story in Con-a-thon 2012, replacing Herman Cain’s sexual harassment allegations as top fodder for political pundits. The laughs just keep on coming!
GOP candidate Rick Perry is still trying to come up with reasons why anyone would want to vote for him.
