Dubya’s Madcap Misadventures – Page 5

A Dick Says What?

Guess who’s reared his ugly head again. That’s right, everyone’s favorite Dick, Uncle Dick Cheney, has come out of hiding to share his wisdom with the rest of the world. This so-called foreign policy expert, five years removed from his failure in Iraq, popped up on media shows along with other chicken hawk neocons like Paul Wolfowitz, Bill Kristol and everyone’s favorite crusty old curmudgeon John McCain. Yes these same people who failed so miserably with that clusterf**k called the Iraq War had the audacity to criticize Obama on getting us out of the Iraq Quagmire and then pinning the recent insurgency in Iraq on him. The architect of that failure, Uncle Dick even said “Rarely has a US president been so wrong about so much at the expense of so many.” And no he wasn’t talking about George W. Bush. Of course, this was met with a huge WTF by most competent, clear thinking individuals. Even Fox News’ Megyn Kelly, in a rare fit of journalism, called Uncle Dick on his BS. We like Secretary of State John Kerry’s response to Uncle Dick’s buffoonery. All we have to say about Mr. Cheney is “WHAT A DICK!” And as for all the other neocon chickenhawks; we think they should move to Iraq, don some armor, go to the front lines and show us all how to win the war.

Dick Cheney talks about the worst President ever and George W. Bush shows up. — Dick Cheney has resurfaced to show his displeasure for a man who was a complete failure as a President.

Since Donald Rumsfeld has decided to delight us with his presence again, we’ve decided to do a little Rummy Retrospective featuring some of his more hilarious antics from his tenure as Bush Secretary of Defense.

Remember that time ol’ Rummy spoke coherently and explained the complexities of the Iraq War? Neither do we. But there was the time back in December 2004, when Rummy was on the hot seat after one of his infamous quotes. At the time, soldiers were having to search through dumps for scrap metal so they could augment the inadequate armor they currently had on their vehicles, since you know, they were getting blown up. When a soldier asked why they didn’t have the armor available to protect the soldiers from harm, Rummy said, “It isn’t a matter of money. It isn’t a matter on the part of the army of desire. It’s a matter of production and capability of doing it. As you know, ah, you go to war with the army you have—not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time.—You can have all the armor in the world on a tank and it can (still) be blown up…” What a compassionate conservative! Here’s a photo-toon from our January 16, 2005 issue, when Rummy tried to make it up to the troops with some TLC.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld shows how much of a 'compassionate conservative' he is by showing some TLC for the troops. — Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld shows how much of a 'compassionate conservative' he is by whipping up a batch of goodies loaded with TLC for the troops.

Rewind: Smells Like Rummy

It’s been like those old halcyon days of the Bush Administration lately. In our last post, Dick Cheney and Condoleezza Rice spoke out against Obama’s foreign policy with Russia. Now, former Secretary of Defense and one of the architects of the debacle known as the Iraq War, Donald Rumsfeld, has crawled out of whatever hole he’s been hiding in and weighed in with his two cents (as if anyone cares.) Good Ol’ Rummy said last week that ‘a trained ape’ would be better at foreign policy than Obama. This from a man who completely clusterf**ked the Iraq War and had to be removed from his post for his incompetence (or excellence as the Republicans remember it). Here’s an article from our November 13, 2006 edition right after the 2006 elections when the Democrats won the House and Senate.

Rumsfeld Becomes President Of Rumsfeldia

Donald Rumsfeld, fresh from his dismissal as Secretary of Defense last week declared himself President of Rumsfeldia, which is what he calls his residence in Maryland.

“Am I surprised I was dismissed? Not really,” said a candid Rumsfeld from his living room throne. “Am I disappointed? You bet. But as I’ve said before, the President is correct whatever it was he said. Although I wish he hadn’t said what he said he said. Did I just say that? It doesn’t matter. What I mean to say is, sure, this is a setback. Will I recover? I think so, but the future’s not ours to see. Que sera sera! I don’t do predictions. I also don’t do dishes. Joyce, I’ve dirtied my coffee cup. Come clean it; on the double soldier. Where’s my latest issue of People? This Britney Spears divorce intrigues me to no end. She should have got out years ago.”

Rumsfeld’s wife, Joyce, seemed stressed and frazzled about her husband being around the house all the time. “He’s going to drive me nuts. It’s only been a few days, but he’s making me cuckoo bananas. He just sits there in the living room, which we’re supposed to call Command Central, or he rearranges the furniture or reorders the books on the shelves. Yesterday, he was in his bathtub playing naval battle with his model ships. Oy vey!”

Neighbor Fred Dittmeier said while cleaning his barbecue pit, “Don’s a smart guy. He needs to be active all the time. I’ve got a great job for him. He could be a greeter over at the Juggermart in Chevy Chase. He’d be a natural. He’s always got a clever response to questions. Plus he’s a former Secretary of Defense. I mean, what a drawing card! And just think of the classic Rumsfeld quotes he’d be spewing from that post. ‘Of course I know where the garden supplies are; they’re in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat.’ Wouldn’t that be a hoot!”

Rumsfeld daughter Marcy said, “I’m really worried about Dad. Like at dinner the other night, Mom put out the regular dinner plates and Dad questioned why Mom was putting out pottery ware for a Sunday dinner. Mom explained the good china was being cleaned and that this was all that was available. Well Dad was crestfallen. He muttered that you go to dinner with the plates you have not the plates you want or wish you had at a later time. He’s just repeating his old quotes over and over again. Mom’s hair’s already white. It’s gonna start falling out pretty soon.”

When asked about his immediate plans, Rumsfeld mused over the possibilities. “Well I’ll tell you. I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was not predictable when it started. It’s like I’ve said before: there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns — the ones we don’t know we don’t know. I’d have to say I fall into that latter category.”

Rumsfeld then started micromanaging his pets. “Fluffy get off the couch. And pick up that hairball. Rover, why do you always have to lick yourself? And you Goldie! Honestly, if you don’t start swimming soon, it’ll be the toilet for you. And you Fido, quit sniffing Rover’s butt! You don’t know where it’s been. Besides, you’re doing it all wrong. Move aside. Must I do everything?”

Rewind: Condi’s Hot Tub

Have you ever noticed that you rarely see a conservative, christian Republican male not dressed in a suit and tie. Sure there have been exceptions: St. Ronald Reagan photo-oping himself as the Marlboro Man out on his California ranch; Dubya photo-oping himself riding around in his pick up truck, wearing a t-shirt, jeans and cowboy hat ‘clearing brush’ (because that’s what all manly men like to do on their vacations); and of course Spiff Romney photo-oping, wearing his blue denim button down shirt with the top button opened up just enough so we can see the top of his t-shirt (or it might have been his magic, Mormon undergarment). It’s no secret that many religious conservatives (not only christians) are repressed about sex and about their bodies. Some can’t even say the words penis or vagina without turning fifteen shades of crimson. Some even cover themselves up at all times…even in the hot tub???

Here’s a photo-toon from our April 11, 2004 issue just after Condoleezza Rice bamboozled the 9/11 commission, showing what kind of wanton antics happen when conservatives get their phreak on. Just don’t get your ties too wet guys.

republicanhottub — Condoleezza Rice celebrates her bamboozling of the 9/11 commission by relaxing in the hot tub, conservative style, with other members of the Bush Administration. From left: Rice, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz. Front: President Bush.

Some Elephants Do Forget

From the “You’ve Got to be Kidding” file…According to a recent poll, apparently almost 30% of Louisiana Republicans think that Obama was responsible for the horrendous response by FEMA to Hurricane Katrina in 2005 despite being almost 3 and 1/2 years before Obama even came into office. And almost 45% aren’t sure whose fault it is. Only 28% thought Bush was responsible for the lousy response. It appears that certain members of the GOP species (elephantus redneckius) have a truly serious memory problem. Unfortunately, it also appears that Obama has officially replaced Bill Clinton as the new Republican scapegoat for all the woes in the world.

redneckmemorylapse — A couple of Louisiana Republicans kick back and have an intellectual discussion about American history as they see it.

Big Brother Is In Your House…Literally

We’ve been on vacation kicking around in Europe. What did we miss? Uh-oh!

We knew Democrats were spineless and Republicans were shameless, but this is ridiculous. Apparently all our democratically elected representatives now think it’s a great idea to spy on each other. Right now, every resident of the former East Germany is laughing their ass off at us and rightfully so. We’ve become that country. What’s next, informal informants for our new Stasi-like surveillance state. Seriously folks, read up on the former country called East Germany and see if we’re now starting to resemble it(except of course we’re a corporatist surveillance state and not a socialist surveillance state). We had so much hope for President Obama and, like Clinton and all Democrats before him, is bending over backwards again to the right to appease the paranoid, right-wing crybabies that populate today’s Republican party (remember, the GOP is the party that started all this crap with the Patriot Act during Dubya’s administration). We’ve started looking for a new country to live in. We’re thinking the former East Germany is looking nice. At least they know enough that legalized spying is a bad idea.

President Obama has had a sudden change of heart concerning the surveillance policies of the Bush administration.

The Party of New Ideas

Former Republican Governor of Florida and brother of the bestest President ever, George W. Bush, laid the ground work this past week for a possible run at the White House in 2016 when he said on Fox News, a.k.a. The Republican Propaganda Network, that he believes that there isn’t any Bush baggage at all. Wow! We want to know what color the sky is in Jeb Bush’s wonderful wacky world.

jebbushdubya — Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush comes up with a fresh proposition for America, because the Republicans are the party of new ideas.

Romney’s Biggest Endorsement

There’s only a few more days in Con-a-thon 2012 and according to the mainstream media polls, it’s neck and neck between incumbent President Barack Obama and the GOP challenger, Spiff Romney. Lost in all the drama has been perhaps Romney’s biggest endorsement: former President George W. Bush. Yes folks, ol’ Dubya approves of Spiff Romney because Romney’s economic plan is basically Dubya’s and we all remember what a triumph Bushonomics was for this nation.

romneybush — GOP candidate, Spiff Romney, picks up a key endorsement from the bestest president ever.

Channeling Bad Presidents

We’re baaaack! We’ve been away for awhile. What did we miss?

Oh yeah. A hidden video which presents the true side of Spiff Romney (more on that in upcoming posts) and a lackluster debate featuring a lying used car salesman(Romney), who was channeling deceptive, former actor/president St. Ronald Reagan, and President Obama, who by using that tried and untrue Democratic strategy of taking the high road, ended up having that deer-in-the-headlight look that Dubya sported throughout the 2004 debates with John Kerry. But what was worse was watching the media cream their shorts about how great Romney’s style was (liberal media? we think not), even though he lied his ass off again. We’re hoping President Obama is just using a rope-a-dope strategy to lure Romney into a false sense of security. In the coming month, he needs to slam Romney on his dubious record with Bain, his refusal to release his tax returns and his ‘47%’ video EVERY chance he gets. If there is one thing we’ve learned in the past fifty years, you can’t trust the Republicans to play fairly at anything.

Here’s a photo-toon from our October 10, 2004 issue which depicts ol’ Dubya in all his presidential debate glory.

kerrybush — In the recent debate with John Kerry, George W. Bush shows his presidential side by smirking and performing that patented Bush maneuver, the sticking out of the tongue.

Rewind: Screwing The Pooch

There’s less than two months left before the election and in the race for the Presidency, President Obama leads in polls over the GOP challenger, Spiff Romney. A couple of days ago, Romney made a huge gaffe as he criticized the Obama administration about sympathizing with the armed militants who stormed the U.S. consulate in Libya in protest over an anti-Islam film and killed ambassador Christopher Stevens. Turns out Romney “shot first and aimed later”, as he was completely clueless about the timeline of the events. It turns out both Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and President Obama harshly criticized the attacks and Romney looks like a complete doofus. Which reminds us of another doofus, who ran the show from 2001 to 2009.

Category: Dubya’s Madcap Misadventures