The hot, muggy, summer Monsoon weather continues with temps in the low hundreds and dew points in the 50’s. Our suggestion: sprout gills.
Here’s the upcoming forecast for this week.
Tag: Arizona
Cactus Corners Forecast – July 14th, 2012
It’s monsoon season here in Cactus Corners, Arizona, which for us here in the blazing hot desert, is a kind of rainy season. The temps still stay above 100, but the humidity and dew point increase, so it gets more muggy. We get on average, about 8 inches of rain a year. We get on average, about 2.0-2.5 inches of rain during the monsoon season, which typically lasts from the beginning of July to about mid-September. Of course, mention our monsoon season to someone from India and they will laugh their ass off. In India, as much as 27 inches of rain can fall in a 24 hour period during their monsoon season. Nevertheless, the dust storms, thunderstorms and lightning storms that happen during July and August can be quite spectacular and a bit dangerous, even if they don’t always produce torrential rain.
With that in mind, here’s the forecast for this weekend.
The New Faces of Crazy
The United States Mint has decided to re-issue the Arizona state quarter in honor of the state’s centennial. Instead of depicting the natural beauty of the state like they did the first time with the Grand Canyon, they’ve decided to represent the wacky right wing politicians who have commandeered this state and are now ramming their conservative agenda down our throats. Yes, nothing represents the new faces of crazy like Governor Jan “Skeletor” Brewer, Sheriff Joe “Just call me God” Arpaio and former state senator Russell “I’m not a Nazi” Pearce.
Cactus Corners Singles Adventure Club – July 2012
The Cactus Corners Singles Adventure Club is a singles club for adventure seeking individuals in the Cactus Corners, Arizona area. The BilgeBucket Gazette’s own Dex Rexter is a member of this fun loving group and has agreed to post upcoming events in an effort to boost membership. Meetings occur every other Friday at the Pink Gecko Karaoke Lounge in the Cactus Blossoms Strip Mall. Here are the exciting events planned for the coming weeks.
- Thursday, July 12th – Mime Lessons at Monsieur Pepe’s Mime School in the Cactus Corners Mall. Best ‘Trapped in a Box’ impression, gets free mime makeup kit.
- Saturday, July 14th – ‘In Your Face’ Volleyball night at Uncle Jeb’s Sand Volleyball Emporium on Western and Prospector Way. First one to spike one off Dale Carlson’s head gets a free plate of nachos; knock him out and get a free pitcher of beer. Fifty dollar gift certificate from The Gun Bin for player with the most kill shots for the night.
- Monday, July 16th – Euchre Night at Fran Miller’s house. We’ll be spending the night finding out what the hell Euchre is while drinking gallons of margaritas.
- Tuesday, July 17th – Gardening Night at Phyllis Martin’s house. We’ll gather together and discuss our favorite desert plants like Agave schotti, Sphaeralcea ambigua and Mammillaria grahamii. We’ll also be drinking leftover margaritas from Euchre Night.
- Saturday, July 21st – Picnic at Burro Thief Bend Park near Wikieup. If you haven’t been to Wikieup, you haven’t lived! We’ll eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches under the blazing sun at one of the quaint, uncovered, termite infested, picnic tables at Suicide Point. There are no outhouses so bring your own bucket. This area is also home to many types of wildlife; wild burros, scorpions and the extremely poisonous Mojave rattler. Don’t explore too much because the van returns to Phoenix promptly at 5:30pm; so if you miss it, you’re on your own.
- Wednesday, July 25th – Adult Toy Party at Dale Carlson’s house hosted by Gigi Gozongas from Captain Caboom’s Sex Emporium. This former stripper gives us the low down on all the latest sexual devices for making the boudoir a spicier place. Door prizes include a XL13 Supra-Vibrator, velvet lined handcuffs and a years supply of Übergliden, Germany’s miracle lubricant. First ten attendees win a free body condom.
- Friday, July 27th –CCAW RAW Night at Cactus Corners Memorial Arena. Get up close and personal with Cactus Corner’s answer to the WWE, the CCAW (Cactus Corners Association of Wrestling). Rub elbows with local favorites like The Gila Monster, Dr. W.A.S.P., El Cholo Gordo and perennial doormat, Larry the Masturbating Hobo. We’re sitting in the front rows, so make sure your insurance covers getting squashed by wrestlers. Tickets are only $89.95. No wagering, please.
- Sunday, July 29th – Outing planned at Guano Grande Caverns near Benson. We’ll explore the latest natural cave discovered in Arizona and opened to an unsuspecting public. These dark, unstable caverns are home to all kinds of bats including vampire bats. We’ll be hiking through dimly lit, narrow passages with loose rock all around us. Bring a hat because the bats will be dropping guano on us like rain.
SCOTUS Interruptus
The Supreme Court decided by a 5-3 decision Monday to disallow the majority of Arizona’s unenforceable SB1070 anti-immigration law, written by former Arizona state senator, Russell “I’m not a Nazi” Pearce, and signed into law by Governor Jan “Skeletor” Brewer back into 2010. But what we found disturbing was that the heart of the law, the stopping of ‘suspected’ illegal immigrants, was upheld. This was the most controversial part of the law because it doesn’t define what an illegal immigrant looks like. This doesn’t matter to the proponents of this law because in their mind an illegal immigrant is Hispanic. The enforcement of this law will open up the state to lawsuit after lawsuit with justifiable complaints of racial profiling. We can only guess as to what kind of suggestions the fertile mind of ‘patriot’ Russell Pearce will come up with for further enforcement of this law.
Cactus Corners Forecast – June 23, 2012
It’s officially summer here in Cactus Corners, so that means only three more months of 100+ temperatures. Yay! Here’s the surprising forecast for this weekend.
Cactus Corners Forecast – June 1, 2012
It’s another sunny, hot, 100+ degree day here in Cactus Corners, Arizona. High today: 110. In our summer issues from 2004-2008, we always presented little gag forecast graphics like they have in the weather sections in newspapers. We like to recycle here, so we’ll present them again over the course of this summer. It’s not summer yet, but why wait when it’s 110 degrees out.
Here’s the forecast for this weekend.
This Is The Word Of Arpaio
Once again, Arizona has moved to the forefront of the news with some more lunacy, this time courtesy of Secretary of State Ken Bennett. Last week, Bennett said that although he doesn’t believe it, ‘several constituents’ wanted proof that President Barack Obama was actually born in Hawaii, even though he officially released his certificate of live birth which has been verified many times by Hawaiian officials. Look at his CNN video about the ‘birther’ conspiracy. But this isn’t good enough for the ‘birthers’. And of course the head ‘birther’ in Arizona is Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Arpaio is known as “America’s toughest sheriff” because of his unorthodox disciplinarian methods used on prisoners such as making them wear pink underwear, live in tents, work on chain gangs and eat green bologna. He’s no stranger to controversy. He’s currently being investigated by the federal government for abuse of power for his enforcement methods of the controversial anti-illegal immigration act SB1070. We remember when this unenforceable, discriminatory law was passed, a journalist famously asked Governor Jan ‘Skeletor’ Brewer, ‘What does an illegal immigrant looks like?’. In true Brewer fashion, she gave a deer in the headlight look, hemmed, hawed, mumbled and finally admitted she didn’t know. Because she knows that to enforce the law, you have to racially profile a certain segment of the population and to the conservative mindset, that means Hispanics.
Yes, Sheriff Arpaio has indeed been a popular figure in Arizona, especially with conservatives. He’s been in office for twenty years. He even had a short tv series on Fox Realty Channel. But we think his ego has gotten out of control. There’s a laundry list of controversies surrounding this man including several concerning abuse of power. His pursuance of the ‘birther’ issue using taxpayers money and the SB 1070 law are just two of the latest more annoying instances of this abuse of power.
So we say this to Sheriff Joe(like he’s going to listen to us): Please retire. Arizona can survive without you as Sheriff. You’re 80 years old. You’ve had a great twenty year run and a lot of great moments. Even we liked the pink underwear and chain gangs. But this latest escapade with the ‘birthers’ and SB1070 shows that it’s time to ride off into the sunset in true Arizona sheriff tradition. Please quit embarrassing our great state and give the reins to someone else.
So remember Arizonans: do ol’ Sheriff Joe and this state a big favor this fall and vote him out of office.
Mormon Chants
It was a beautiful afternoon the other day here in Cactus Corners, Arizona. The temperature had dropped into the low 100’s, so our gruff but lovable senior citizen staffer, Chester Einstein, went for a late afternoon constitutional through one of the many Cactus Corners subdivisions. He was having a fine time: enjoying the blue skies, green trees, chirping birds, barking dogs, rock landscaped yards, slithering snakes and blossoming cacti. Then suddenly he was accosted…by two pimply faced, bicycle riding, Mormon missionaries. Yes, these well groomed youngsters rode next to and harassed Chester about where he lived, how long he has lived there, did he want to go to heaven or hell and whether he’s accepted Jesus Christ as his personal savior for several blocks. Finally, Chester pulled the old “Look! It’s Jesus!” ploy and when the boys excitedly turned to look, Chester ducked behind a hedge and ran like hell. Needless to say, his carefree outing was ruined, but he did get some good exercise.
This reminded us of an article in our August 1, 2004 issue. Just a reminder folks: in the land of Mormons, conversion is a year round process. So even in 100 plus degree heat, stay vigilant and when you see them coming, start running.
Local Mormon Lads Sweating Their Asses Off
Local Mormon missionaries Brandon Neal and Lucas Brennan continued their mission riding the local Cactus Corner neighborhood converting people to Mormonism, despite temperatures reaching well over 100 degrees.
“I must admit it’s been a bit challenging lately,” commented Neal, wiping sweat from his brow, as he sat aboard his bike waiting for the light to change. “I mean shit… ooops, damn. I didn’t mean to say that…we’re sweating our asses off here…, Fuck I did it again. Hell, I’m cussing left and right. Jesus H. Christ, my brain is fried.”
“I don’t think this is very fair,” said Brennan, sucking water from his camelback. “It’s so hot out and yet we are required to wear a shirt, tie, long pants, and good shoes. Not only that, we’ve got to wear this stuffy bike helmet and carry our heavy packs and ride our bikes all over tarnation trying to convert people who don’t want anything to do with us. Give us a break! At least let us wear shorts and a tee-shirt.”
It’s a tradition for male members of the church to go on a two-year mission when they reach their late-teens or early twenties. It’s also important that during the mission, the young men perform their mission away from home and family. Neal and Brennan are both from the Salt Lake City area and aren’t accustomed to the Valley heat. Cactus Corners LDS Ward President John Hunt said, “It’s important that members go out and spread the word of God and suffer just like Jesus did. Young Neal and Brennan shouldn’t complain. This is just their cross to bear for the next couple of years. Besides their conversion ratio is extremely low. If they don’t start converting people I might be forced to send them to Yuma next year. Now that’s hot!”
“I don’t see how we’re going to convert people, when we’re all hot, sweaty and smelly,” said Brennan wearily. “You should see people’s reaction when they see us coming. It’s like we’ve got the plague. I mean they literally start running away from us. I’m really starting to get a complex.”
“Catholics don’t have to do this crap,” snarled Neal. “Hunt wants more conversions, I’ll give him conversions. I convert to Buddhism. I’ll probably go to hell now! But I don’t fear hell; I’ve been to Cactus Corners, Arizona! Put that in your pipe and smoke it! Ha-ha-ha-ha!” Neal then rode erratically into oncoming traffic.
Cactus Corners Singles Adventure Club – May 2012
The Cactus Corners Singles Adventure Club is a singles club for adventure seeking individuals in the Cactus Corners, Arizona area. The BilgeBucket Gazette’s own Dex Rexter is a member of this fun loving group and has agreed to post upcoming events in an effort to boost membership. Meetings occur every other Friday at the Pink Gecko Karaoke Lounge in the Cactus Blossoms Strip Mall. Here are the exciting events planned for the coming weeks.
- Thursday, May 17th – Origami Cactus Party at Maggie Bell’s house. Everybody will create their own origami cacti. Maggie will supply the paper, you supply the booze.
- Saturday, May 19th – I Hate Men Night at Mistress Spankarella’s dungeon. Women, get your aggressions out on all men as Mistress Spankarella straps some poor schlep on the Wheel of Pain for some big time retribution. A male volunteer is needed. Hello. Anyone?
- Monday, May 21st – Midnight rollerblading at Cactus Wash Drainage Ditch. Be sure to bring your flashlights, because it’s crazy dark down there. Word has it the concrete is a bit uneven, too. Helmets and pads are optional.
- Thursday, May 24th – Candyland Night at Dale Carlson’s house. Bring your own sweets to enjoy while navigating Gumdrop Pass and Lollipop Woods. The night’s overall winner wins a big, 12 inch, candy cane courtesy of Dale.
- Sunday, May 27th – Thin the Herd Hike planned at Rattler’s Canyon in the Buzzard Mountains southwest of Gila Bend. This remote, isolated area, miles from the nearest hospital, is noted for it’s abundance of poisonous critters like the Western Diamondback rattlesnake, the Gila Monster, the bark scorpion and numerous other exciting, deadly animals. Be sure to wear as little clothing as possible because it will be plenty hot out. Don’t worry about water, either. Our 75 year old map says there’s a small stream in the canyon.
- Wednesday, May 30th – Happy Hour at Café Muy Caro in Cactus Pavilions Strip Mall. Join us for lackluster conversation, somewhat edible food, and tremendously overpriced drinks. Be sure to bring your credit cards, because you’ll get reamed worse here than at the gas pump.
- Friday, June 1st –Casino Night at Cactus Valley Casino. This casino guarantees not only the loosest slots in town, but also the loosest sluts. Spend your paycheck at the blackjack tables; lose your mortgage payment at the craps table; or just get loaded from the free drinks served by the sexiest waitresses this side of Ahwatukee. Plus, relive the glorious music of 1980’s super group Wang Chung with the Wang Chung Experience in the Charlie Callas Room. Like the song sez: Everyone have fun tonight, everyone Wang Chung tonight!
- Sunday, June 3rd – Hike planned at Grommet’s Ravine near Wickenburg. This area used to be an industrial waste dump and has been semi-cleaned up. If we’re lucky, we’ll see a few wild dogs with two tails, five legged cats and three-eyed mice. Wear waterproof shoes since some of the left over toxic sludge tends to eat through shoe leather and skin.