Archive for July 9, 2012

Cactus Corners Singles Adventure Club – July 2012

July 9, 2012 bb_admin Singles Adventure Club

The Cactus Corners Singles Adventure Club is a singles club for adventure seeking individuals in the Cactus Corners, Arizona area. The BilgeBucket Gazette’s own Dex Rexter is a member of this fun loving group and has agreed to post upcoming events in an effort to boost membership. Meetings occur every other Friday at the Pink Gecko Karaoke Lounge in the Cactus Blossoms Strip Mall. Here are the exciting events planned for the coming weeks.

  • Thursday, July 12th – Mime Lessons at Monsieur Pepe’s Mime School in the Cactus Corners Mall. Best ‘Trapped in a Box’ impression, gets free mime makeup kit.
  • Saturday, July 14th – ‘In Your Face’ Volleyball night at Uncle Jeb’s Sand Volleyball Emporium on Western and Prospector Way. First one to spike one off Dale Carlson’s head gets a free plate of nachos; knock him out and get a free pitcher of beer. Fifty dollar gift certificate from The Gun Bin for player with the most kill shots for the night.
  • Monday, July 16th – Euchre Night at Fran Miller’s house. We’ll be spending the night finding out what the hell Euchre is while drinking gallons of margaritas.
  • Tuesday, July 17th – Gardening Night at Phyllis Martin’s house. We’ll gather together and discuss our favorite desert plants like Agave schotti, Sphaeralcea ambigua and Mammillaria grahamii. We’ll also be drinking leftover margaritas from Euchre Night.
  • Saturday, July 21st – Picnic at Burro Thief Bend Park near Wikieup. If you haven’t been to Wikieup, you haven’t lived! We’ll eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches under the blazing sun at one of the quaint, uncovered, termite infested, picnic tables at Suicide Point. There are no outhouses so bring your own bucket. This area is also home to many types of wildlife; wild burros, scorpions and the extremely poisonous Mojave rattler. Don’t explore too much because the van returns to Phoenix promptly at 5:30pm; so if you miss it, you’re on your own.
  • Wednesday, July 25th – Adult Toy Party at Dale Carlson’s house hosted by Gigi Gozongas from Captain Caboom’s Sex Emporium. This former stripper gives us the low down on all the latest sexual devices for making the boudoir a spicier place. Door prizes include a XL13 Supra-Vibrator, velvet lined handcuffs and a years supply of Übergliden, Germany’s miracle lubricant. First ten attendees win a free body condom.
  • Friday, July 27th –CCAW RAW Night at Cactus Corners Memorial Arena. Get up close and personal with Cactus Corner’s answer to the WWE, the CCAW (Cactus Corners Association of Wrestling). Rub elbows with local favorites like The Gila Monster, Dr. W.A.S.P., El Cholo Gordo and perennial doormat, Larry the Masturbating Hobo. We’re sitting in the front rows, so make sure your insurance covers getting squashed by wrestlers. Tickets are only $89.95. No wagering, please.
  • Sunday, July 29th – Outing planned at Guano Grande Caverns near Benson. We’ll explore the latest natural cave discovered in Arizona and opened to an unsuspecting public. These dark, unstable caverns are home to all kinds of bats including vampire bats. We’ll be hiking through dimly lit, narrow passages with loose rock all around us. Bring a hat because the bats will be dropping guano on us like rain.
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Headline Hit Parade

July 8, 2012 bb_admin Headlines

Continuing with the headline hit parade from 2004.

Bush’s Solution For Rising Healthcare Costs: Don’t Get Sick
Goodfellas Cast Reunites For Nostalgic Dinner And Whacking
Gambling Vampire Dreads High Stakes Poker
Local Nerd Spends Weekend Playing With Palm
Cheney Jealous Of Trump Nickname: Wants To Be Called ‘The Dick’
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Oinkings from Singapore

July 6, 2012 bb_admin Compassionate CONservatives, Corporate States of America, Grand Old Plutocrats, Neocon Media Circus

Recently, Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin renounced his U.S. citizenship, to reside in Singapore, because he didn’t want to pay income taxes on his billions of dollars. What a patriot!  To their credit, two senators decried this and announced that he would still have to pay taxes and could be barred from re-entering the country. However, there were several right-wing conservative Republicans who defended his take-the-money-and-run capitalist pig style. No doubt they’ve got their money in off shore tax havens just like the GOP presidential candidate, ol’ Spiff Romney. Way to support America’s infrastructure, guys!

Facebook co-founder, Eduardo Saverin, who now resides in Singapore, sends oinkings to all the Americans who made him a billionaire.

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Top Alternative Summer Vacation Destinations For 2012

July 3, 2012 bb_admin BilgeBucket Lists

It’s summertime again in America. Its time for kids to take a break from school and adults to take a break from work to head out of town for a week or two and visit top tourist destinations such as Disneyland, Six Flags Amusement Parks and the dozens of beautiful National Parks which dot our great land. But there are many alternative destinations that are off the beaten path which deserve mention and visitation. The BilgeBucket staff has compiled a list of some of these unconventional locales for 2012. So pack up your things…it’s time to go road tripping! And no complaining or we’ll turn this article around and go back. For more strange attractions, go to Roadside America.

  • The Wisconsin Cheese Repository in Gouda Vista, Wisconsin
  • Dow Chemical’s Pond of Mystery, Piscataway, New Jersey
  • Three Story Outhouse, Sticksville, North Dakota
  • World’s Largest Zit on Megan Roberts’ forehead, Irvine, California (Oh my God! It’s like so huge!)
  • Prostitution Monument, Morningwood, Nevada
  • America’s Smelliest Jail, Swelterburg, Mississippi
  • Fetid Gulch, Texas: Roach Capital of the World
  • Grosse Margine, Michigan: Birthplace of Accounting
  • Laxative Museum at Del Weaver’s Twilight City Retirement Community, La Popa, Florida
  • Little Kenny Dawson’s Dead Sparrow in a Shoe Box, 723 Adams St, Butler, Illinois
  • The Palace of Debilitating Despair, Toledo, Ohio
  • Grandpa Wally’s Liquor Bottle Village, Big Little Horn, Montana
  • Atom and Eve’s Nuclear Waste Dump and Health Spa, Glowing Sage, Nevada
  • House Made of Tampons, Kotex, Florida
  • Hall of Idiots, Morons and Felons, Capitol Building, Washington D.C.

 

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The Supreme CON

July 2, 2012 bb_admin Compassionate CONservatives, Corporate States of America, Grand Old Plutocrats, Neocon Media Circus

The big news this past week was definitely the passing of the Affordable Care Act(ACA) a.k.a. Obamacare, which should be good news for all Americans, especially those who don’t have any insurance. Surprisingly, the ACA was passed as being constitutional by a 5-4 vote. Even more shocking though was that it was Chief Justice John Roberts who cast the deciding vote instead of the usual swing voter, Judge Anthony Kennedy. Media pundits all over the web have hailed that Judge Roberts has saved the court from being seen as the judicial branch of the Republican party with his reportedly last minute decision to go against the grain. Really??  This man thinks corporations are people!  Roberts hasn’t changed. We think this vote was just a bone being thrown to the public and he took one for Team GOP. After all, although the health insurance industry will have to change it’s ways(i.e. no more denying coverage to people with pre-existing conditions, spending 80% of the customers premium dollars on actual medical care, etc…), it still is getting 50 million more customers thanks to the law’s mandate (oops…tax). Besides, the individual mandate was originally a Republican idea (they were for it before they were agin’ it). When you consider Justice Scalia’s rant on the SB1070 dissent and Justice Kennedy’s surprising vicious dissent on Obamacare, you really can’t trust the Court especially when it’s loaded with right wing, activist judges. It means that in the future, on potentially contentious cases, the conservatives will continually point to Obamacare as proof that they aren’t political. Then they will proceed to decide like the GOP judicial branch that they are. Yep, Washington D.C. still stinks like cow patties on a hot summer day folks.

Chief Justice John Roberts basks in the afterglow of his decision to save the Supreme Court from itself with the passing of the Affordable Care Act.

 

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