corporate – Page 35 – BilgeBucket Gazette

Boss Limhogg Barks Orders To GOP Lackeys

Here’s some political BS from our March 7, 2009 issue.

Talk Radio Personality Rush Limbaugh took a bold step last week at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in Washington D.C. and proclaimed himself head of the Republican party. Limbaugh, sporting a black cowboy hat and southern style suit, announced that he would know like to be known as Boss Limhogg to which the crowd of sycophantic Republicans howled with an approving “gkew-gkew-gkew”.

“My fellow conservatives,” croaked Limhogg. “Remember back during the Iraq War when I said that we should never criticize the President and how un-American that would be. Well, screw that! We are the last bastions of true patriotic Americans and it is our duty to make sure that President Barack Hussein Obama, the magic Negro, fails at everything he does as President. He doesn’t truly represent Americans; he wasn’t even born in this country. His socialist agenda would be catastrophic for our poor bankers and Wall Street CEOs who are fighting valiantly to preserve the plutocracy that we’ve worked so hard to establish. He even wants to help those homeowners who were stupid enough to take those risky loans instead of the money lenders who bravely offered them. Why it’s the second coming of Stalin I tells ya!”

New RNC Chairman Michael ‘Roscoe’ Steele was the first to acknowledge Limbaugh’s unquestioned superiority. “I apologize for ever saying Mr. Limhogg was ugly or even worse, an entertainer. He’s the finest American I know and I am proud to be his right hand flunkey. Gkew-gkew-gkew!”

Georgia GOP Representative, Phil Gingrey, who openly criticized the radio personality in January, offered nothing but flattery. “I’m so sorry about ever saying anything negative about Boss. You’re the smartest person ever and I’ll always ask your advice on every issue from now on. I love you Rush, I truly do! Oh please forgive me Rush! Please oh please oh please! Gkew-gkew-gkew!”

Many big names in the Republican Party raved about the new Boss. Former disgraced Republican Congressman Tom Delay praised Limhogg loudly and strongly. “Boss Limhogg is a great role model and I know all about role models since I am one. Every American should want to be like Rush: overweight, obnoxious, crass, rude, hypocritical, egotistical, and drug addicted. Why the world be a lot better place if we were. Gkew-gkew-gkew!”

Evangelist Pat Robertson said, “Why if Jesus Christ was right here in front of me, which he hopefully will be very soon, he’d be saying that Rush is what Christianity is all about. Gkew-gkew-gkew!”

Former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani gushed, “I love Rush’s makeover. He looks like Boss Hogg and Johnny Cash all in one. I can see why he gets all the babes. Why if I were dressed up like a woman right now, I’d be all over that stylish tub of goo. Gkew-gkew-gkew!”

Dittoheads also expressed their support for Boss Limhogg. Cletus Dillman of Scarlet Thorax, Texas said, “I can’t stand the idea of being socialist. Everyone being equal and sharing things? As a Christian, I find that idea very offensive.”

Farley Kerwood of Beetle Meadows, Georgia said, “Ugggh. Rush good. Obama bad. Me hungry. Me want beer.”

Darryl Hull of Rebel Falls, Mississippi said, “I listen to Boss Limhogg everyday and I think he is such a regular guy. I would love to get together with El Rushbo and have a beer with him. That is if he ever steps foot outside his Palm Beach mansion or gets off the golf course at his country club. But I’m sure he’d acknowledge my presence.”

Boss Limhogg then dismissed his fawning minions. “In closing, we’ve got to get those Obama boys and keep our moonshine…er…money safe for all of Hazzard Coun…er…I mean the United States of America. Now everyone form a line so that you may come up here and kiss my ass” to which the audience gave a resounding “gkew, gkew gkew”.

The True Media Darlings Protest

The big question on the blogosphere these days is which protest group is the one true protest group that America can embrace and call its own, the Occupy Wall Street movement or the Teabaggers. While it has been been reported that some Teabaggers actually showed up to show their support, most have been complaining that the OWS movement is nothing like their sparkling example of how a true, red-blooded, American protest group should act. Could it be that the Teabaggers are green with envy besides being green with cash from corporate backing? Will the real Patriots please stand up!

teabaggerresponse — Cactus Corners Teabaggers Harold and Martha Kowalski respond with derision rather than solidarity for the Occupy Wall Street protesters.

Teabaggers Spew Forth…Wisdom?

The Occupy Wall Street movement has entered it’s fourth week and appears to be gaining strength. Demonstrations against Wall Street greed have broken out in many major cities. Even major media outlets have taken notice(albeit reluctantly). But of course, these demonstrators can’t compare to those darlings of patriotic protesters, the Teabaggers (we here at the Bucket choose to use their original moniker instead of their Foxified name, the Tea Party movement).

The Teabaggers have been quite a media sensation the last couple of years. This group of supposedly cheezed off ‘patriots’, supported by business interests and media outlets such as Fox News a.k.a The Republican Propaganda Network, have stated that they are against anyone paying more taxes(even the rich) and against socialized medicine (except Medicare) and against entitlement programs (except Social Security and corporate entitlements) and against socialism and for more christianity (forget that Jesus was a socialist). To anyone who doubts that this group is full of **it, it’s interesting that during the Bush administration, which increased the size of government, increased the deficit, increased military spending, and increased the national debt, these bastions of conservatism didn’t protest one bit. But the second, President Obama took the oath of office, these ‘patriots’ are all up in arms about fiscal responsibility. To top it off, their ideal person to solve all our problems is none other than … Ms. Ubetcha herself, Sarah Palin. Which also brings to mind, if the media is so ‘liberal’ like El Rushblo claims, then why was there a joint CNN/Teabagger debate for Republican candidates recently? We would think a ‘liberal’ media would be doing exactly to the Teabaggers what they’ve been doing to the Occupy Wall Street protesters and that would be ignoring them. Things that make you go hmmmmmmm.

The text in the word balloons in this photo-toon is actual verbiage from Teabagger protest signs. To see more examples of these insightful, intelligent, witty signs, click here. The Teabaggers write their own jokes by just being themselves.

teabaggerwisdom — Cactus Corner residents and Teabagger Patriots Harold and Martha Kowalski spew forth pearls of wisdom to their fellow patriots.

Invertebrate-in-Chief

President Obama sure is making it difficult for his supporters to maintain confidence in him. Just this past week, he postponed his jobs speech to satisfy a few GOP whiners and caved into industry and their Republican lackeys by withdrawing support for EPA supported regulations, which would have tightened pollution controls (breathing clean air is overrated anyway, right). He’s also considering capitulating to Big Oil and supporting the Tar Sands Keystone XL Pipeline, which would bring oil from Canada down through the central plains of United States to Texas to be refined (let the oil addiction continue). Not exactly the environmentally friendly, alternative energy boosting person he portrayed himself to be. At this rate, Obama may have to pull an LBJ and announce that he will not seek re-election for a second term. But then again, look at the leading GOP candidates. Yep! The 2012 election will be one titanic joke.

obamanospine — President Obama, like many of his fellow Democrats, seems to be regressing into an invertebrate.

Corporations Are People, Too

Republican Presidential candidate Mitt(or Spiff, as we at the Bucket call him) Romney was heckled, jeered and hooted at in Iowa the other day when he said in a speech that ‘corporations are people’. We applaud this fine gesture but we think, since there are many farms in the Hawkeye state, the people should have also heaved some manure at the ol’ Spiffster.

Speaking of heaving crap, in 2010, the Supreme Court said basically that ‘corporations are people, too’ when they ruled that corporations should not be limited in the amount of money they can contribute to political campaigns. So this means that corporate America can use their immense wealth to greatly influence elections so that lackeys(Teabaggers anyone?) who support their agenda(tax cuts anyone?) will get elected. This kind of government is called a plutarchy, which is a combination of plutocracy and an oligarchy. And a plutarchy pretty much means the average citizen is royally screwed.

Depending on your source, it’s estimated that 50-60% of corporations pay no income taxes. In 2009, companies like GE, Bank of America, Citigroup and Valero paid no income taxes whatsoever while making billions of dollars in profits. Now that’s patriotism! So much for that saying ‘with great power comes great responsibility’. Well, we say if ‘corporations are people, too’ then they can start paying more taxes. Teabaggers keep blathering about returning to the good ol’ days of the ’50s. How about the 90% tax rate that the top tier paid during the Eisenhower(Republican) administration for starters. That would surely jump start a lot of infrastructure projects. But then again our corporate overlords wouldn’t get their million dollar bonuses and we absolutely need our tycoons happy or else they won’t create jobs for us peons. The Corporate States of America: for the corporation by the corporation, with liberty and justice for plutocrats.

robertsrobe — Supreme Court Justice John Roberts wears the new NASCAR inspired logo robes which will now be worn by all conservative justices.

Rep. Oompa Loompa

Speaker of the House and Chief Oompa Loompa, John Boehner, following the debacle of the debt ceiling talks breakdown this past week, addressed the American people late last night with a message of hope …for corporate America.