Tag Archive for United Nations

Rewind: John Bolton’s Image Makeover

The exodus of personnel from the disaster that is the Trump White House continues. Rumor has it that NSA advisor, H.R. McMaster, one of the few competent people in the Trump administration, is heading for the hills. The scuttlebutt is that everyone’s favorite mustachioed, hate filled, crusty curmudgeon, former United Nations Ambassador during the Bush Administration, John Bolton, is being considered for the NSA position. Bolton is an unabashed warmonger and would be disastrous not only for the country but for the world.

Back during Dubya’s days in the White House, we had a regular feature here at the Bucket called Probing Inquiries. Bolton definitely had an image problem (and still does) and desperately needed an image makeover so he’d appeal to a wider swath of Americans. How’d it turn out? You be the judge.

This is from our January 11, 2006 issue.

Probing Inquiries

Fantasticus - BilgeBucket GazetteJohn Bolton Softens His Image

The new controversial U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, John Bolton, recently hired a crew to completely makeover his image from a grizzled curmudgeon to a softer, more amiable statesman. Leader of the makeover team, world renowned fashion consultant Fantasticus, who is also responsible for the stylish makeovers of Katie Couric, Condoleezza Rice and Prince Charles’ polo horse Skippy, describes the different looks considered in the makeover odyssey. The final result will surely make John Bolton the most loveable U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations ever!

John Bolton with a Michael Bolton makeover.The obvious first choice was to make John Bolton look like the other famous Bolton in America, singer Michael Bolton. We thought the long locks, smoldering eyes and sex appeal of Michael would transfer well to John. We were wrong. Next!






John Bolton with a Donald Trump makeover.Next!!!!!








John Bolton with an Easter Bunny makeover.We decided to try to make John Bolton more fluffy and lovable and who is more fluffy and lovable than the Easter Bunny. Well this just plain frightened our test group, which was made up of mostly children. I’m pretty sure they’ll probably have nightmares for the remainders of their lives. Next!





John Bolton with a Tyra Banks makeoverThe makeover was going downhill quicker than Bill O’Reilly’s ‘War on Christmas’, so I called in makeover diva, Tyra Banks, as a consultant. Tyra is known for her ‘fierce’ makeovers, but this look just creeped everyone out. Next! Hurry!






John Bolton with a Dame Edna makeover.WINNER! We fired Tyra immediately, but she was on the right track. Who’s more non-threatening in a masculine-feminine way than Dame Edna. This look will put his fellow ambassadors at ease and bring laughter and love to the entire United Nations.