Archive for Articles:Society BS

Rebel Without A Tattoo

May 23, 2012 bb_admin Articles:Society BS

It seems like everyone nowadays has a tattoo and body piercing. Some people even have them crawling up their necks (D-Backs Ryan Roberts) and on their face (Mike Tyson). Some people even get metal spikes installed in their heads. As little as thirty years ago, getting a tattoo or body piercing meant you were a rebel and a non-conformist.  Now it seems that if someone wants to rebel and be different, they need to decline to modify their bodies with art or metal. Could it be that being a square is the new cool? We wouldn’t go that far…but the possibility would be funny.

Here’s an article from our August 1, 2004 issue which covers just such a scenario.

College Student Rebels: Opts For No Tattoos Or Body Piercing

Austin McDaniel, who is a freshman at Arizona State University, decided to rebel against his peers and not get a tattoo or body piercing.

“I don’t know,” said McDaniel. “I just decided to go against the grain. I mean, come on. Either you got a ring through your tongue or you got a skull tattoo on your ass. It’s so cliché. I play by my own rules. I just thought I’d do something different.”

Other students noticed McDaniel’s rebellion. “I don’t get it,” said senior General Studies student Sean Heaton. “Why wouldn’t you want a piercing through your nose or tattoos on your neck? I just don’t understand this younger generation. I really fear for our future.”

Senior Communications major Melinda Kord agreed. “Some people just have to be non-conformist hooligans! For me there’s nothing sexier than a guy with tattoos and piercing all over his body. Take Brady Shelton. He’s got fifty tattoos on his body, a nose piercing, both of his ears pierced, his toes pierced, his eyebrows pierced, his tongue pierced, his lips pierced, his nipples pierced. He’s even got his you-know-what pierced. He’s so peachy keen! Golly, I wish he’d ask me out for a malted.”

However, Exercise Science major, April Donovan, said that McDaniel’s rebellion is sexy. “Sure, he doesn’t set off metal detectors, but I guess a non-decorated body is kinda radical. I do love a rebel. I wonder if he drives a station wagon. That would be so out there!”

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And The Award For Best Faucet Mounting Goes To…

March 14, 2012 bb_admin Articles:Hollywood BS, Articles:Society BS

The Academy Awards took place recently to much hype and ceremony. Billy Crystal hosted again for the zillionth time and everybody was riveted to the set to see which starlet would wear the most daring outfit, who would win Best Gaffer and who would make the most insipid acceptance speech. We here at the Bucket have noticed over the years that the entertainment industry sure does like producing awards shows and patting themselves on the back. It seems like there’s an awards show every week. Wouldn’t it be great if other professions like programmers, electricians or dentists staged extravagant, self congratulatory awards shows on a weekly basis, too.

What if the public fawned and drooled over plumbers instead of actors and actresses? Here’s an old article from March 14, 2004 about the glamour that is the Golden Plungers.

Melvin Swazicki Sweeps The Golden Plunger Awards

In a stunning and record setting performance last week, Melvin Swazicki of Toledo, Ohio, swept the top categories in The Golden Plunger Awards which were held in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The Golden Plungers are considered by most experts to be the top awards show for plumbers ranking ahead of the The Plumbers People’s Choice Awards, The American Plumbing Awards and The Morties, named after legendary Chicago plumber Morty Pawolinski.

“This is an incredible feat!” said show commentator Larry Buttner. “He swept all the top awards: Fastest Snake, Best Showerhead Installation, Best Faucet Mounting, Best Unclogging Of A Shower Drain System, and Best Join Sweating Of An Outdoor Underground Pipe System In Freezing Conditions. This guy does it all!”

When Swazicki came on stage to receive his first award, for Best Faucet Mounting, he exclaimed “You like me! You really like me!” Swazicki, wearing fabulous pinstriped Gucci overalls, displayed tact and modesty in his other acceptance speeches. “I couldn’t have done it without the other plumbers at Rootin’ Tootin’ Plumbing. It’s truly a team effort every time we go to a customer’s house.” The fifty-year old plumber paused, wiped a tear from his eye and continued. “I love you guys!”

Emil Czalewpski, Swazicki’s main competition, had nothing but praise. “Melvin deserves it. He’s been in the biz for a long time now. You know, it’s just an honor to be nominated.”

Joe Tabler, a junior plumber who works with Swazicki, said, “Wow! Melvin is truly an inspiration to the rest of us at Rootin’ Tootin’. I mean he’s a legend. When they asked me to work on Melvin’s team, I had to pinch myself. I’m working with Melvin Swazicki! I mean, it was just an incredible dream come true.”

The show was hosted by Billy Crystal. He got the evening off to a rip-roaring start when he told the audience “Gentlemen start your egos!” He then told them to “pipe down” after the opening number. He also told a model, who mistakenly dropped an award, “Hey don’t sweat it.” He later did a number where he inserted himself into clips of the nominees doing various kinds of plumbing work. Huge laughs came when he bent over to replace a toilet valve and showed large amounts of butt cleavage to the audience.

“That was hilarious!” said Fred Schindler of Des Moines, Iowa. “That happens to me all the time. Hell one time a youngun stuck a pencil in there and I didn’t even know it. I sure knew it when I tried to sit. Ouch! Hee hee hee!”

Of course, one can’t mention the Golden Plungers without mentioning the fashions. Entertainment Tonight’s Jann Carl said, “Melvin Swazicki may have took home the Golden Plungers, but Carl LeMay took home the fashion award with his Ralph Lauren leisure suit. Herman Jablonski also looked sharp in his Yves St. Laurent gold lamé jump suit. His wife Mabel, looked equally stunning in her Bob Mackie moo-moo. The biggest fashion disaster had to be avant-garde plumber, Tina Bjorkinski, who showed up wearing a toilet duck costume. What on earth was she thinking?”

The plumbing industry now looks forward to the next award show, the Morties, which will be held next month in Hoboken, New Jersey, and hosted by Whoopi Goldberg.

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Plastic Surgeon Offering Cell Phone Implants

September 21, 2011 bb_admin Articles:Society BS

Here’s an article from our January 13, 2007 issue.

World renowned German plastic surgeon, Dr. Hans Gesichtfuk, has announced a radical new kind of plastic surgery where cell phones are implanted into the patient’s skull and wired directly to the brain thus eliminating any cumbersome headgear or wires.

“Ya, dis is a radical new surgery dat vill revolutionize plastic surgery as ve know it,” said Gesichtfuk from his office in Munich. “Before you know it all de über celebrities like Britney Spears, Madonna and Tom Arnold vill have cell phones implanted on the side of deir faces. Dis is just de first step tovard creating de perfect bionic human; a six million dollar man or voman if you vill. Soon ve vill be intergrating iPods, iTunes, and iPhones into human beings. It is truly a golden age for cutting edge plastic surgeons like me. I’m not just going to be rich, I’m going to be über rich.”

Californian Heather Braun of Beverly Hills, California, who was one of the privileged first recipients, raved about the surgery. “This is soooooo fantastic! Now I don’t have to hold a phone in my hand or anything while I’m driving my Hummer. I can just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk talk all day long to all my girlfriends. It’s just like I’m talking to myself, but I’m actually hearing other voices. The only bad thing is that sometimes reception will be bad, but all I have to do is knock myself in the head and everything clears up and I’m none the worse. The only bad thing is that sometimes reception will be bad, but all I have to do is knock myself in the head and everything clears up and I’m none the worse.”

Many Americans can’t wait to have the avant-garde surgery. John Langley III of West Haverbrook, New York said, “I’m a big self improvement buff. I love making myself better. I’m going to be the first in my country club to get this surgery. Then I’m going to get a solid gold penis implant.”

Fred Griffin of Las Vegas, Nevada, said, “My friend Vinny is going to get the surgery, too. Man, we’re going to clean up at the poker tables: Vinny sits at the table and I spy on everybody. If I wear a tin foil hat, people will think I’m a homeless guy just talking to myself. This is a foolproof plan that can’t possibly fail!”

Tiffany George of Scottsdale, Arizona said, “I know I’m only in high school, but I’ve just got to get this surgery. I’ll be like, so popular! Maybe instead of getting his stupid, life saving, heart bypass surgery Daddy can buy me this for my birthday instead.”

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