Hey! How's it going? I'm Dex Rexter, your cordial editor-in-chief of the BilgeBucket Gazette. We're located in America's trendiest suburb, Cactus Corners, Arizona, where everything is coming up cactus! We hope this perky little 'Webzine' will inform, enlighten and delight you. Or at least give you a ten minute distraction from your hellish, mind numbing excuse for a career. We've gathered a cracker jack staff that knows nothing about writing. But knowing nothing and pretending you do is the cornerstone of the American experience. Look at Anna Nicole Smith, Ozzy Osbourne, and George W. Bush. Hey! If they can do it, so can we! So enough with the chatter. Let's start shoveling!

Chester is a fourth cousin, three times removed of Albert Einstein... the pre-eminent plumber from Queens, New York, not the famous physicist. He lives in Cactus Corners, Arizona, where he runs a cactus grooming business. The fun-loving, yet cantankerous fossil has had numerous jobs in his long career. Maybe that's why he's such a cranky old fart! Click here for a list of jobs.

Beulah lives in one of Cactus Corners fine retirement communities, Cactus Gallows. She is very active. She enjoys rollerblading, skateboarding, and a raucous game of speed shuffleboard. She's also looking for a hot, young stud to rock her world.

Gomy is a...well...Gomy is a...There's no pleasant way to say this... Gomy is a dick. But he's Beulah's third cousin, seven times removed, so guess who has a job. Nepotism sucks! Gomy's hobbies include playing X-box all day, giving out advice on subjects he knows nothing about and generally annoying everybody he meets.

Little Jimmy Shitzenzimmer is a third grader at Prickley Pear Elementary School. We discovered Little Jimmy's artistic talent after he tagged our office window with graffiti. It was a picture of Gomy Dinkman and it said 'Gomy Sucks', so he couldn't be all that bad. I hired him on the spot to be our part-time portrait sketch artist. Below are sketches he did of the BilgeBucket staff.

Shirley Ray, known as the Queen of Cactus Needles trailer park, is one hell of a party animal! We all love her here (especially Beulah). She's working part time as our advice columnist. She brings years of experience from the cosmetology industry. She also makes the rounds at all the hippest trailer park galas. Whether you're concerned about what wine to serve with macaroni and cheese, what to wear on that special night at the bowling alley or what to do if your mother steals your boyfriend, Shirley Ray will have the answer for you.

Lamebeard is Cactus Corners' only pirate. He patrols Cactus Corners Lagoon every day on his mighty paddleboat, the S.S. Cactus Wren. There are some who say he hangs around with Captain Morgan too much, but hey, what pirate doesn't take a nip now and then. He's ready to regale us with his many exploits on the high seas, because you know, everyone loves a good buccaneer tale. Arrrggh!

Sanjay of Bangalore, India is the BilgeBucket's part-time movie critic and one of the hardest working men in the outsourcing business. This is one of four jobs for Sanjay. He also works as a call center agent, a programmer, and a sitar player in a Hindi rock band on the weekends. He's married and has ten children, which explains why he keeps so busy. Word has it he's a coffee fiend and once went a week without sleep. Maybe his fifth job will be at Starbucks.