Pope Francis made Mother Teresa a saint this past week so now the catholic sheeple have yet another semi-deity to whom they can pray. Yay!<\/p>\n
In honor of this nonsense, here’s another golden oldie article from our archives covering the tragedy that occurs when prayer lines get clogged. Oh the horror! The horror!<\/p>\n
This is from our April 10, 2005 issue.<\/p>\n
A crisis occurred last week in heaven when billions of people across the globe simultaneously prayed for Terri Schiavo and Pope John Paul II causing ancient prayer lines to temporarily clog, preventing many prayers from getting through to intended saints, angels, and deities.<\/p>\n
Lead prayer center agent, Saint Sixtus said, \u201cJesus Christ, what a mess! Oops did I just use the Lord\u2019s name in vain. Well, I\u2019m sorry J.C! We\u2019ve really got to update our technology here. I mean we might have been able to keep Terri Schiavo alive for a few more days if those prayers hadn\u2019t been lost. Boy, St. Paul really chewed my butt out for that one.\u201d<\/p>\n
President Bush spoke on behalf of Jesus Christ. \u201cPeople, we\u2019re going to need to update these old prayer lines. I mean don\u2019t you hate it when you pray for something and don\u2019t get it? It hasn\u2019t happened to me lately, but it\u2019s still annoying. Why I was talking to God just this morning, and the connection was all garbled. I could have sworn he said to invade Iran. Now I can\u2019t take chance on orders from the Big Guy, so I guess we\u2019re going to have to invade Iran. The bottom line is, if we don\u2019t help streamline prayer technology those terrorists prayers to Allah will get through quicker and then who knows what will happen. Fear, fear, fear! Terror, terror, terror!\u201d<\/p>\n
Reverend Eugene Bilkwell of the Fourth Evangelical Church of Latham, Louisiana said, \u201cI\u2019ve been predicting this for years. My brethren, we need to upgrade to PT1 or PT3 lines as soon as possible. This technology offers wider bandwidth so Christian prayers get through quicker than Muslim, Hindu or Jewish prayers and they have less of chance of getting dropped. But it\u2019s going to take money folks and lots of it. So be sure and give generously to your church each and every week. We\u2019ll make sure it gets to the right people in heaven. Remember – we\u2019ve got better connections with the Man Upstairs because we’re holier than you disgusting, degenerate sinners.\u201d<\/p>\n
All signs seem to indicate the panic has subsided. Saint Sixtus said, \u201cWell everything has calmed down for now. We were hitting spikes for the Michael Jackson trial, but traffic seems to have dropped off precipitously. Yeesh! I ain\u2019t voting for that guy to get in here. But those crappy old Seraphim 1000 lines, that are as old as Methuselah, aren\u2019t going to hold much longer, especially if Bush invades Iran. It\u2019s going to be the apocalypse!\u201d After a short pause, a perplexed Saint Sixtus remarked, \u201cAre you sure this Bush guy is in good with Jesus? Because he really seems like a bonehead to me.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Pope Francis made Mother Teresa a saint this past week so now the catholic sheeple have yet another semi-deity to whom they can pray. Yay! In honor of this nonsense, here’s another golden oldie article from our archives covering the tragedy that occurs when prayer lines get clogged. Oh the horror! The horror! This is … Continue reading “The Tragedy Of Clogged Prayer Lines”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[341,49,68],"tags":[50,352,252,69,22,52,70,319,1416,679,115,458,75,1414,103,1174,348,188,350,1415,1096],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4940"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4940"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4940\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4944,"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4940\/revisions\/4944"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4940"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4940"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4940"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}