We haven’t posted an old article lately so here goes…<\/p>\n
Aren’t new parents annoying? Every parent thinks their baby’s the next Einstein, JFK or Lindsay Lohan. They brag about everything they do, even their doodies. Whenever we see new parents we run like hell. As if you couldn’t tell already, we’re strong advocates of birth control.<\/p>\n
Here’s an article from our May 31, 2006 issue.<\/p>\n
Cactus Corners power couple Austin and Candace Gardner, who live in the exclusive Cactus Oasis subdivision, recently claimed that their six month old baby boy, Connor, is quite possibly the best baby that has ever lived.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere is no question about it,\u201d said Austin smugly. \u201cOur baby is superior in every way. He\u2019s already reaching for some toys and recognizing himself in the mirror and he\u2019s only six months old. He\u2019s performing at a nine month old level. I\u2019m telling you he\u2019s a genius.\u201d<\/p>\n
Candace Gardner concurred with her husband. \u201cOh he is an absolute prodigy. I wouldn\u2019t be surprised if he started talking tomorrow. He\u2019ll probably be another Mozart; or maybe even another Einstein. He may even grow up to be…dare I say…an American Idol.\u201d<\/p>\n
Austin\u2019s father, retired businessman, William Gardner crowed about his grandson. \u201cThe apple doesn\u2019t fall far from the tree. Heh-heh. Like father, like son, like grandson. Our baby is much better than Tom Cruise\u2019s baby or that \u2018Brangelina\u2019 baby. The media should be covering Connor. Even his poops are little works of art.\u201d<\/p>\n
However, some neighbors disagree with the Gardner\u2019s assessment. Rhonda Masters, who lives catercorner from the Gardners, said, \u201cOh please. That little boy? A genius? No way. He\u2019s got juvenile delinquent written all over him. I\u2019d say he\u2019s going to do 5 to 10 for auto theft. I mean just look at those shifty baby blue eyes. He\u2019s trouble. Now take my little two year old Heather. Now there\u2019s a baby! She takes after me; not only smart, but beautiful. That\u2019s why I\u2019m entering her in the Cactus Corners Baby Beauty Contest; to prove to the world that she\u2019s the best baby in the world.\u201d<\/p>\n
Another neighbor Sybil McGhee disputed Masters\u2019 claim. \u201cThere is no way Rhonda\u2019s baby is better than that cute little Connor Gardner. Besides, neither one can hold a candle to my little three year old Breanna. Oh, she is a little angel sent from heaven above! I\u2019m going to enter her in that baby beauty contest just to prove it, too. Then we\u2019ll all see who\u2019s the most perfect baby in the whole world!\u201d<\/p>\n
Candace Gardner, upon hearing the boasts of the other mothers, said, \u201cOkay! You think your baby is better than mine, we\u2019ll see about that. I\u2019m entering Connor in that contest, too. Bring it on bitches!\u201d<\/p>\n
When asked what he thought about the contest, Connor smiled and relieved himself in his diaper.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
We haven’t posted an old article lately so here goes… Aren’t new parents annoying? Every parent thinks their baby’s the next Einstein, JFK or Lindsay Lohan. They brag about everything they do, even their doodies. Whenever we see new parents we run like hell. As if you couldn’t tell already, we’re strong advocates of birth … Continue reading “Parental Delusions”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[136],"tags":[1198,812,1200,856,340,1199,1197],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4348"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4348"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4348\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4349,"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4348\/revisions\/4349"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4348"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4348"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4348"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}