Continuing with our Sports BS…Now that the Super Bowl is over (congrats Giants fans) it’s just a few more weeks until baseball starts spring training. What better time to present an article from our August 16, 2007 issue concerning the national pastime. Over the past several years, the only thing that seems to matter anymore in baseball is if you can hit home runs. Forget strategy like getting on base, stealing second, maybe doing a hit and run. Forget hitting gappers to get maybe a double or triple: fundamental baseball is boring baseball. What matters is hitting a moon shot off the facade in deep center field. That will keep the fan’s attention… for a second or two.<\/p>\n
With Barry Bonds breaking Hammerin\u2019 Hank Aaron\u2019s home run record, the popularity of the home run hitting contest in the All-Star Game and the overall emphasis on hitting dingers in today\u2019s games, Major League Baseball has announced that starting next season, a new set of rules will be enforced essentially making the game nothing but a home run contest.<\/p>\n
MLB spokesman, Biff Baker, said in a press conference last week, \u201cBasically, we\u2019ve been contemplating this move for the last five or six years. The young players today aren\u2019t interested in getting singles, doubles or triples. And let\u2019s not even mention walks. Boring! No, today\u2019s players want the most money with the minimum effort. Running bases and playing defense is for suckers. The event that seems to get everyone jazzed is the big knock, the dinger, the tater, the big enchilada, the home run. The players like to hit them and the fans like seeing them. So why not cut out all that other crap and make the game a home run hitting contest. We eliminate the pitcher and just place a washed up old hurler out there to throw gopher balls. Then the team that hits the most home runs in 27 at bats wins the game. No running. No diving. No athleticism, period. Of course, this means that players can now play well into old age and we may even get some elite softball players in. This also means that we\u2019ll expand our teams to every major city over 50, 000 people in the nation. Purists are going to be plenty pissed about this move, but Americans must understand: Baseball is no longer a sport; it\u2019s a business. Therefore, we\u2019ve got a bottom line to protect and that bottom line is profit for guys like me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Barry Bonds reveled in the new rules. \u201cThis is so great. Now I can play until I\u2019m 90. I can make sure no one will ever break my home run record. But just for insurance, I\u2019ll give old Greg Anderson a call for some ‘magic’ cream.\u201d<\/p>\n
However, Hank Aaron announced that he will be coming out of retirement to regain his home run record. \u201cI\u2019ve got news for that pumped up freak Bonds. The Hammer will be coming down on you, big time. I may be 73 years old but I know how to compete with the likes of you. That\u2019s right. I\u2019m giving Greg Anderson a call for some ‘magic’ cream.\u201d<\/p>\n
Light hitting shortstop Danny Rivera, said, \u201cOh man. I\u2019m screwed. I\u2019ve never hit a major league homer in my life. I\u2019ve made a living on my fielding and my speed. Looks like I\u2019ll be giving Greg Anderson a call for some ‘magic’ cream.\u201d<\/p>\n
Old timer, Spanky McDougal, who played left field for the Washington Senators back in the 30s, said, \u201cThis is a crying shame. They\u2019re ruining the grand game of baseball. Why back in my day, we smoked and drank and cursed and swore and chased women, got a couple of hours of sleep, played a double header, went out on the town and smoked and drank and cursed and swore and chased woman\u2026wait a second. What were we talking about?\u201d<\/p>\n
Fans had mixed reactions to the announcement. Jim Costello, of Seattle, Washington said, \u201cThis is a great move! I love the home run. It\u2019s over in a second, is awe-inspiring and leaves a powerful impact on those who see it\u2026Just like the ol\u2019 Jim meister in the sack. Am I right ladies?\u201d<\/p>\n
Curtis Jamieson, of Yuma, Arizona said, \u201cI think it\u2019s great because Yuma will have a major league team now and since I\u2019m one of the leading softball players in town, I\u2019m gonna get a chance to play in the major leagues. So you see, eating donuts and drinking beer is good for you. In your face, health food fanatics.\u201d<\/p>\n
Indian transplant Raja Nandakumar, of Charlotte, North Carolina said, \u201cPlease. Baseball is so boring. For me the most exciting game in the world is cricket. When Charlotte gets a cricket team, give me a call.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Continuing with our Sports BS…Now that the Super Bowl is over (congrats Giants fans) it’s just a few more weeks until baseball starts spring training. What better time to present an article from our August 16, 2007 issue concerning the national pastime. Over the past several years, the only thing that seems to matter anymore … Continue reading “Would Ya Just Hit Home Runs Already!”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[358],"tags":[13,381,380,322],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1188"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1188"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1188\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1191,"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1188\/revisions\/1191"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1188"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1188"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1188"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}