Here\u2019s more religious BS from our September 10, 2007 issue, not long after Hurricane Felix slammed Central America killing 130 people and causing $720 million in damages.<\/p>\n
Members of the Fourth Evangelical Church have announced that they have found a suspect they believed caused Hurricane Felix. The church says that Gainesville, Florida resident, Dave Nielsen, caused the storm by neglecting to attend church and praying the Sunday before the hurricane hit Nicaragua and Honduras.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe think that this man is responsible for that devastating hurricane that hit Central America because he didn\u2019t come to church and pray this past Sunday,\u201d said Pastor Jonathon Scheister. \u201cRumor has it that he was out drinking and womanizing Saturday night over at that den of sin, Gator Gulch, and was so tired he couldn\u2019t drag his sorry behind out of bed to go and worship the Lord. There is no doubt in my mind that he caused this event, just as I\u2019m sure all the gays and lesbians caused 9\/11.\u201d<\/p>\n
Televangelist Maureen Kay said \u201cLet this be a lesson to all of you, praise the Lord. Our Lord is a loving God, praise the Lord, but also a vengeful God, praise the Lord. You must put God first in your life, praise the Lord, and pray constantly or God will cause much pain and destruction, praise the Lord. Only by constantly acknowledging how great God is, praise the Lord, will the people of Earth be saved. Oh God, I hope I said enough praise the Lords. I better just repeat the phrase for another hour or so just to be safe. Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, praise the Lord\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
Thirty year old Nielsen said, \u201cYou gotta be kidding me! Hey, I worked a twelve hour shift Saturday over at the University laying concrete. I went out afterward with a few friends, shot some pool and had a few beers. I was zonked. I mean I worked 55 hours that week. I\u2019ve got child support payments to make. I’ve got alimony to pay. I\u2019ve got rent to pay. I\u2019ve got insurance to pay. I\u2019m sorry. Sometimes I just can\u2019t make it to church. I\u2019m sure Jesus would understand.\u201d<\/p>\n
Scheister took offense to Nielsen\u2019s explanation. \u201cHow dare he say that Jesus would understand! He doesn\u2019t know what Jesus thinks! I\u2019m the pastor. I\u2019m the only one in our church who truly understands what Jesus would do. I talk to Jesus all the time, just like our beloved President Bush and he tells me what is right and wrong. Like last night, Jesus said it was perfectly okay to use church funds to buy that new Armani suit for myself because if I\u2019m going to sell the Lord\u2019s word, I\u2019ve got to look good, right? Hallelujah!\u201d<\/p>\n
When asked if Nielsen had indeed caused the Hurricane, heaven spokesperson St. Sixtus said, \u201cWell we\u2019ve traced our prayers in our prayer center and we\u2019ve found that if we would\u2019ve gotten one more prayer, say from one David J. Nielsen, God would\u2019ve evaporated Hurricane Felix right there in the Caribbean-o. But noooooooooo. Mr. Beer Drinker, Mr. get-a-divorce-rather-than-stay-together-in-a-loveless-marriage, David J. Nielsen, had to skip church. So God done brung it. So don\u2019t blame God, people of Central America; blame David J. Nielsen. And Bill Clinton, of course.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Here\u2019s more religious BS from our September 10, 2007 issue, not long after Hurricane Felix slammed Central America killing 130 people and causing $720 million in damages. Man Forgets To Pray; Causes Hurricane Felix Members of the Fourth Evangelical Church have announced that they have found a suspect they believed caused Hurricane Felix. The church … Continue reading “The Powah of Prayer”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[341,61,68],"tags":[50,252,69,22,70,319,347,75,349,348,188],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1093"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1093"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1093\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1096,"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1093\/revisions\/1096"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1093"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1093"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bilgebucket.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1093"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}