Tag Archive for Cactus Corners

Corporate Sports – A Marriage Made in Hell

One more post with our Sports BS retrospective and the beginning of our Corporate BS retrospective. Well whaddya know…here’s an article from our September 17, 2006 issue that combines BS from the sports world and BS from the corporate world in one convenient article. Who wouldn’t want to work at this company?

Innovative Boss Makes Computer Programming Spectator Sport

G. Terrance Wallace, the Vice President of Technology at software company Conglomeris, located in the Cactus Corners Ocotillo Office Park, recently instituted a novel new program geared at increasing productivity and visibility for his employees as they toil away on a daily basis in their cubicles. Taking a cue from the sports world, the innovative boss has made the cubicles into an arena and has invited people in to watch and cheer on his software engineers as they code and debug programs.

“This is a revolutionary move,” commented Wallace. “Time after time, my programmers complain that they’re working harder than any of those professional athletes and they’re smarter than those athletes but yet they earn decidedly less. Well, I can’t give my programmers a million dollars. That would be ridiculous!” Wallace then chuckled for several minutes and continued. “Seriously, I can’t. But what I can do is increase the appreciation level for their work. Therefore, I’ve built a spectator arena where fans can come and watch these guys work their magic. I’ve built a concession stand where we sell hot dogs and sodas for fans. I’ve given the programmers numbered jerseys, with the Conglomeris logo of course. I’ve managed to coerce Vera and Ruth from Accounting to be cheerleaders. I’ve even printed trading cards with the programmer’s pictures and programming stats on them. We’ve come up with stats like lines written per hour and bug fix quotient; it’s a stat junkie’s wet dream. We’re also in the works for bobbleheads. I predict that this will be the new trend of the future in high tech industry.”

Senior Software Engineer Larry Deaver said, “This is like a dream come true for me. I was never very athletic in school. I was on the chess team, but no one ever came to our matches. But I could code…code like the wind. Now, I’ve got cheerleaders rooting me on with chants like ‘Debug debug go go!’ Nothing motivates you faster than those foxy accounting babes egging you on. I fixed ten Class B bugs and five Class A bugs today. I was as they say ‘en fuego’.” Deaver then pumped his fist and accidentally hit it against his desk. “Ooowwwwieeeeee! Ooowwwwieeeeee! I hurt my mouse hand! Injury time-out! Send in the medic!”

Cheerleader Ruth Rubinowitz said, “Oh this reminds me when I was a wrestling cheerleader in high school; I’m used to cheering at empty arenas. Hey, the boss is giving me an extra dollar an hour to do this gig so I don’t mind. That one programmer with the coke bottle glasses, Dan Schlueter, is kinda cute. Sure he leads the department in introduced software bugs, but he’s due for some bug fixes. C-O-D-E Coooooooode! Yeah!”

Not all the programmers were enthusiastic about the new program. Scott Majewski said, “This is so frigging lame! Look at the cheerleaders. Ruth and Vera both got to be in their late forties.  I’m sorry, baggy sweats just aren’t sexy or motivating. The stands are empty. The hot dogs are staler than the ones at Kwik-n-Easy. The only reason Wallace is doing this is to get on the cover of TechNews. Terry’s a complete egomaniac. Not only that, he’s a bonehead. He wouldn’t know good code if it bit him on the ass. He doesn’t care about good programming practices, he just wants software ready for demos so he looks good to headquarters and to do that, he’s got to push us like sled dogs with gimmicky tricks like this heap of dog dung.”

Database programmer Rick Oswald echoed Majewski’s sentiments. “Screw the trading cards. Pay me what they pay professional athletes and I’ll work my ass off. Hell pay me what they pay minor league athletes and I’ll work my ass off.”

Since the arena was opened one month ago, only two people have showed up to watch the programmers; one was a man who was waiting for a bus and had an hour to kill, the other was a homeless man who wandered in for a hot dog, but soon after eating it, became sick and left.

But Wallace is determined his vision will ultimately succeed. “Oh this will work,” said Wallace confidently. “If the programmers don’t want their jobs to go to India next year, they’ll produce and I’ll be named Executive of the Year by TechNews.” He then laughed maniacally and rubbed his hands together.

Imagine No Announcers

More Sports BS… Remember several years ago, when one of the major networks broadcasted a football game without any announcers. What a fantastic idea! Really, is there anything more annoying than these so called ‘experts’ and ‘pundits’ offering their colorful take on every situation during the game? The list of tolerable sports announcers has dwindled so much over the years that we’d rather have no announcers. If only Vin Scully could broadcast every game.

Local Sportscasting Legend Retires; Known For ‘Colorful’ Metaphors

Local Sportscasting legend Jack Brock, a fixture at Cactus Corners television station KQCK the past thirty years, has announced his retirement. Brock has been doing the ten o’clock sports, the Sunday Night Sports show Jock-a-holics and the color commentary for KQCK radio coverage of spring training games for almost thirty years. However, rumor has it that management has pressured Brock to retire due to the declining quality of his remarks especially his metaphors, which often bordered on tasteless.

Station manager Darrin Sprague said, “Jack Brock has served the community well these past thirty years. But his commentary has become, how shall I say, a little too colorful.  We feel this move is best for everybody, especially our legal department.”

KQCK play by play announcer Tony Loman defended Brock. “The man is a legend! He played Major League Baseball for Pete’s sake. So he played five games and struck out all ten times he batted; he still made it to the big show. You got to give him props for that. I think that gives him the right to reel off all those folksy witticisms that seem to annoy everyone else on the planet. He’s like a poor man’s Yogi Berra; a very, very, very poor man’s Yogi Berra.”

“Come on,” said statistician Mark Clark. “The guy’s a fossil! Everybody says ‘Oh, he’s a legend. Everything he says is a pearl.’ The guy’s just a perverted old codger who hates everything and everybody. Why this spring I dug up some fantastic stats on Barry Bonds’ extra base hits while on steroids and handed it to him so he could relay the information to all our loyal fans. How did he thank me? He takes a look at it and calls me gay because I spend all my time looking up stats. Then he tosses it out of the broadcasting booth and into the stands. So what if I’m a single, thirty five year old who still lives with his parents and I dream about earned run average, on base percentage and slugging percentage instead of women; is that so abnormal? Wait… don’t answer that.”

Several fans took time to remember their favorite Brock quotes from over the years. John Flanders said, “My favorite Brockism is the time he was talking about Livan Hernandez, who was a pitcher for the Giants at the time. He said he’s got more pitches than a horny sailor picking up a hooker on shore leave. What a great visual!”

Ken Gray said, “I liked it when he was talking about all the foul tips hit off Mike Piazza’s mask over the years. He said he’s had more balls in his face than Paris Hilton. Pure class all the way!”

Tom Willard said, “I think my favorite Brock moment was back when big ol’ Ted ‘Bull’ Linderman was doing play by play back in the ‘80s. Well, this light hitting shortstop named Tony Ferrara hit a home run over the left field fence and was zipping around the bases full speed. He was back at home plate before you knew it and Jack commented that Ferrara rounded the bases quicker than ol’ Bull does with his wife in the bedroom. Well, all you heard on the radio was lots of cursing, a big crash and plenty of static. Turns out ol’ Bull punched Brock’s lights out, knocked out a press box window, and hung Brock out by his belt loops on a rusty nail outside the press box right over the stands. Brock hung there all night screaming for help until finally a janitor felt sorry for him and got him down the next morning. Man, did he have a wedgie! Ol’ Bull quit after that game and joined the ice capades. And Brock…well he became a broadcasting legend.”

When asked on what he was going to do after retirement, Brock exclaimed, “What am I going to do? Goddammit, that’s a stupid question! I got one word for ya! Hookers! Lots of ‘em! I’m going down to Tijuana and do some color commentary in the ol’ boudoir, if you get my drift. So long suckers!”

Top Mall Stores That Won’t Make It

The holiday season has come and gone and with it comes the inevitable decline in shopping. But while we were running around hectically trying to find that perfect gift, we also noticed that there were some specialty stores in the malls of Cactus Corners, that because of their merchandise or services, probably won’t be around for very much longer. Here they are in convenient list form.

  • Faded Charms Used Lingerie
  • T’oh Clipperz
  • Broccoli on a Stick
  • Dickeys For Less
  • Paper Clip City
  • The Tampon Hut
  • Olson’s Designer Toothpicks
  • Itchy Cosmetics
  • Whirligigs and Crap
  • The Lederhosen Depot
  • Turnip Treats
  • The Amish Fashion Barn
  • Turbans, Turbans, Turbans
  • U.S. Army Recruiter