Tag Archive for Cactus Corners

Cactus Corners Forecast – July 31, 2012

The hot, muggy, summer Monsoon weather continues with temps in the low hundreds and dew points in the 50’s. Our suggestion: sprout gills.

Here’s the upcoming forecast for this week.

 

Cactus Corners Forecast – July 14th, 2012

It’s monsoon season here in Cactus Corners, Arizona, which for us here in the blazing hot desert, is a kind of rainy season. The temps still stay above 100, but the humidity and dew point increase, so it gets more muggy. We get on average, about 8 inches of rain a year. We get on average, about 2.0-2.5 inches of rain during the monsoon season, which typically lasts from the beginning of July to about mid-September. Of course, mention our monsoon season to someone from India and they will laugh their ass off. In India, as much as 27 inches of rain can fall in a 24 hour period during their monsoon season. Nevertheless, the dust storms, thunderstorms and lightning storms that happen during July and August can be quite spectacular and a bit dangerous, even if they don’t always produce torrential rain.

With that in mind, here’s the forecast for this weekend.

Cactus Corners Singles Adventure Club – July 2012

The Cactus Corners Singles Adventure Club is a singles club for adventure seeking individuals in the Cactus Corners, Arizona area. The BilgeBucket Gazette’s own Dex Rexter, is a member of this fun loving group and has agreed to post upcoming events in an effort to boost membership. Meetings occur every other Friday at the Pink Gecko Karaoke Lounge in the Cactus Blossoms Strip Mall. Here are the exciting events planned for the coming weeks.

  • Thursday, July 12th – Mime Lessons at Monsieur Pepe’s Mime School in the Cactus Corners Mall. Best ‘Trapped in a Box’ impression, gets free mime makeup kit. 
  • Saturday, July 14th – ‘In Your Face’ Volleyball night at Uncle Jeb’s Sand Volleyball Emporium on Western and Prospector Way. First one to spike one off Dale Carlson’s head gets a free plate of nachos; knock him out and get a free pitcher of beer. Fifty dollar gift certificate from The Gun Bin for player with the most kill shots for the night.
  • Monday, July 16th – Euchre Night at Fran Miller’s house. We’ll be spending the night finding out what the hell Euchre is while drinking gallons of margaritas.
  • Tuesday, July 17th – Gardening Night at Phyllis Martin’s house. We’ll gather together and discuss our favorite desert plants like Agave schotti, Sphaeralcea ambigua and Mammillaria grahamii. We’ll also be drinking leftover margaritas from Euchre Night.
  • Saturday, July 21st – Picnic at Burro Thief Bend Park near Wikieup. If you haven’t been to Wikieup, you haven’t lived! We’ll eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches under the blazing sun at one of the quaint, uncovered, termite infested, picnic tables at Suicide Point. There are no outhouses so bring your own bucket. This area is also home to many types of wildlife; wild burros, scorpions and the extremely poisonous Mojave rattler. Don’t explore too much because the van returns to Phoenix promptly at 5:30pm; so if you miss it, you’re on your own.
  • Wednesday, July 25th – Adult Toy Party at Dale Carlson’s house hosted by Gigi Gozongas from Captain Caboom’s Sex Emporium. This former stripper gives us the low down on all the latest sexual devices for making the boudoir a spicier place. Door prizes include a XL13 Supra-Vibrator, velvet lined handcuffs and a years supply of Übergliden, Germany’s miracle lubricant. First ten attendees win a free body condom.
  • Friday, July 27th –CCAW RAW Night at Cactus Corners Memorial Arena. Get up close and personal with Cactus Corner’s answer to the WWE, the CCAW (Cactus Corners Association of Wrestling). Rub elbows with local favorites like The Gila Monster, Dr. W.A.S.P., El Cholo Gordo and perennial doormat, Larry the Masturbating Hobo. We’re sitting in the front rows, so make sure your insurance covers getting squashed by wrestlers. Tickets are only $89.95. No wagering, please.
  • Sunday, July 29th – Outing planned at Guano Grande Caverns near Benson. We’ll explore the latest natural cave discovered in Arizona and opened to an unsuspecting public. These dark, unstable caverns are home to all kinds of bats including vampire bats. We’ll be hiking through dimly lit, narrow passages with loose rock all around us. Bring a hat because the bats will be dropping guano on us like rain.

 

Cactus Corners Forecast – June 23, 2012

It’s officially summer here in Cactus Corners, so that means only three more months of 100+ temperatures. Yay!  Here’s the surprising forecast for this weekend.

 

Imperial Force

More retrospective articles from those dark days of debacle called the Bush administration… This article is from our April 11, 2004 issue. The Iraq War had begun to look like a quagmire, but Dubya was staunchly defended his new tenet of American imperialism, the Bush Doctrine. Now, if you look at United States history, American has had imperialistic tendencies ever since the Spanish American War and under both Republican and Democratic administrations. But the Bush Doctrine, which essentially states the U.S. can pre-emptively invade a country if it thinks that country poses a threat, opened up a humongous can of worms, and all possible kinds of unpleasant possibilities of abuse of power and violation of civil liberties. By the way, in case you didn’t know, WMD’s were never found.

Local Man Invokes Bush Doctrine To Invade Neighbors Garage

Jared Dillman, who lives in the Cactus Vista Subdivision, invaded the garage of his neighbor, Tony Kurzbach last Saturday, claiming that he had weapons of mass destruction. Dillman cited the precedence set down by the Bush doctrine, which states that it’s okay to pre-emptively invade a place if there is a concern weapons of mass destruction might be present.

Dillman defended his actions. “Kurzbach came home last Saturday carrying this big box. I didn’t know what was in that box. It could have been a grenade launcher. It could have been anthrax. It could have been a dirty bomb. I didn’t know. But I’ve had my suspicions about Kurzbach. I mean he looks all swarthy and he’s got that unibrow thing going. He could very easily be one of…them.”

Dillman continued. “So he leaves for the night, probably to meet with some terrorists. That was my chance. I picked his lock and rummaged around his garage. I scoured the place, but unfortunately I didn’t find any WMDs. I did find some Heavy Metal CDs, though. That’s audio terrorism! So I took them. Kurzbach sometimes plays his music a little loud on the weekend and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let the neighborhood be exposed to Yngwie Malmsteen.”

Kurzbach was livid at the invasion. “First of all, I’m part Italian, part Hungarian, so I’m sorry I’m a little dark and hairy. Second of all, I’m a third generation American who loves this country. I have no intention whatsoever of doing anybody any harm. That ‘box’ was a DVD player I was getting as a gift for my grandmother. That asshole busts into my garage and rips through everything. I think I’m missing my Rob Zombie CDs.”

The police say their hands are tied. “We’d really like to help,” said Officer Ted McGriff as he munched on a Krispy Kreme. “But we’re talking the Bush Doctrine. If it’s good enough for our president, who are we to argue. Besides, who really wants to listen to Whitesnake anymore? They’re so 80’s.”

Neighbors had mixed reactions. Gladys Stephans said, “I don’t think Jared was right, but then again Tony could have had a nuclear bomb. It all turned out for the best because he destroyed those damn CDs. I’ve heard just about enough of Motörhead. That’s definitely a weapon of mass destruction as far as I’m concerned.”

Mildred Dressler said, “I appreciate that I don’t have to put up with any more Ratt while I’m watching Dr. Phil, but Jared probably should apologize for trashing Tony’s garage.”

Dillman scoffed at the notion of apologizing for the intrusion and destruction. “Are you kidding me? We live in the Age of Dubya. I can be arrogant, belligerent, and do anything I want and not apologize for squat. You know. Come to think of it. I saw Mrs. Dressler carry some pretty suspicious grocery bags in from her car the other day. Time to do my patriotic duty!”

Cactus Corners Forecast – June 1, 2012

It’s another sunny, hot, 100+ degree day here in Cactus Corners, Arizona. High today: 110. In our summer issues from 2004-2008, we always presented little gag forecast graphics like they have in the weather sections in newspapers. We like to recycle here, so we’ll present them again over the course of this summer. It’s not summer yet, but why wait when it’s 110 degrees out.

Here’s the forecast for this weekend.

Mormon Chants

It was a beautiful afternoon the other day here in Cactus Corners, Arizona. The temperature had dropped into the low 100’s, so our gruff but lovable senior citizen staffer, Chester Einstein, went for a late afternoon constitutional through one of the many Cactus Corners subdivisions.  He was having a fine time: enjoying the blue skies, green trees, chirping birds, barking dogs, rock landscaped yards, slithering snakes and blossoming cacti. Then suddenly he was accosted…by two pimply faced, bicycle riding, Mormon missionaries. Yes, these well groomed youngsters rode next to and harassed Chester about where he lived, how long he has lived there, did he want to go to heaven or hell and whether he’s accepted Jesus Christ as his personal savior for several blocks. Finally, Chester pulled the old “Look! It’s Jesus!” ploy and when the boys excitedly turned to look, Chester ducked behind a hedge and ran like hell. Needless to say, his carefree outing was ruined, but he did get some good exercise.

This reminded us of an article in our August 1, 2004 issue. Just a reminder folks: in the land of Mormons, conversion is a year round process. So even in 100 plus degree heat, stay vigilant and when you see them coming, start running.

Local Mormon Lads Sweating Their Asses Off

Local Mormon missionaries Brandon Neal and Lucas Brennan continued their mission riding the local Cactus Corner neighborhood converting people to Mormonism, despite temperatures reaching well over 100 degrees.

“I must admit it’s been a bit challenging lately,” commented Neal, wiping sweat from his brow, as he sat aboard his bike waiting for the light to change. “I mean shit… ooops, damn. I didn’t mean to say that…we’re sweating our asses off here…, Fuck I did it again. Hell, I’m cussing left and right. Jesus H. Christ, my brain is fried.”

“I don’t think this is very fair,” said Brennan, sucking water from his camelback. “It’s so hot out and yet we are required to wear a shirt, tie, long pants, and good shoes. Not only that, we’ve got to wear this stuffy bike helmet and carry our heavy packs and ride our bikes all over tarnation trying to convert people who don’t want anything to do with us. Give us a break! At least let us wear shorts and a tee-shirt.”

It’s a tradition for male members of the church to go on a two-year mission when they reach their late-teens or early twenties. It’s also important that during the mission, the young men perform their mission away from home and family. Neal and Brennan are both from the Salt Lake City area and aren’t accustomed to the Valley heat. Cactus Corners LDS Ward President John Hunt said, “It’s important that members go out and spread the word of God and suffer just like Jesus did. Young Neal and Brennan shouldn’t complain. This is just their cross to bear for the next couple of years. Besides their conversion ratio is extremely low. If they don’t start converting people I might be forced to send them to Yuma next year. Now that’s hot!”

“I don’t see how we’re going to convert people, when we’re all hot, sweaty and smelly,” said Brennan wearily. “You should see people’s reaction when they see us coming. It’s like we’ve got the plague. I mean they literally start running away from us. I’m really starting to get a complex.”

“Catholics don’t have to do this crap,” snarled Neal. “Hunt wants more conversions, I’ll give him conversions. I convert to Buddhism. I’ll probably go to hell now! But I don’t fear hell; I’ve been to Cactus Corners, Arizona! Put that in your pipe and smoke it! Ha-ha-ha-ha!” Neal then rode erratically into oncoming traffic.

Cactus Corners Singles Adventure Club – May 2012

The Cactus Corners Singles Adventure Club is a singles club for adventure seeking individuals in the Cactus Corners, Arizona area. The BilgeBucket Gazette’s own Dex Rexter, is a member of this fun loving group and has agreed to post upcoming events in an effort to boost membership. Meetings occur every other Friday at the Pink Gecko Karaoke Lounge in the Cactus Blossoms Strip Mall. Here are the exciting events planned for the coming weeks.

  • Thursday, May 17th – Origami Cactus Party at Maggie Bell’s house. Everybody will create their own origami cacti. Maggie will supply the paper, you supply the booze.
  • Saturday, May 19th – I Hate Men Night at Mistress Spankarella’s dungeon. Women, get your aggressions out on all men as Mistress Spankarella straps some poor schlep on the Wheel of Pain for some big time retribution. A male volunteer is needed. Hello. Anyone?
  • Monday, May 21st – Midnight rollerblading at Cactus Wash Drainage Ditch. Be sure to bring your flashlights, because it’s crazy dark down there. Word has it the concrete is a bit uneven, too. Helmets and pads are optional.
  • Thursday, May 24th – Candyland Night at Dale Carlson’s house. Bring your own sweets to enjoy while navigating Gumdrop Pass and Lollipop Woods. The night’s overall winner wins a big, 12 inch, candy cane courtesy of Dale.
  • Sunday, May 27th – Thin the Herd Hike planned at Rattler’s Canyon in the Buzzard Mountains southwest of Gila Bend. This remote, isolated area, miles from the nearest hospital, is noted for it’s abundance of poisonous critters like the Western Diamondback rattlesnake, the Gila Monster, the bark scorpion and numerous other exciting, deadly animals. Be sure to wear as little clothing as possible because it will be plenty hot out. Don’t worry about water, either. Our 75 year old map says there’s a small stream in the canyon.
  • Wednesday, May 30th – Happy Hour at Café Muy Caro in Cactus Pavilions Strip Mall. Join us for lackluster conversation, somewhat edible food, and tremendously overpriced drinks. Be sure to bring your credit cards, because you’ll get reamed worse here than at the gas pump.
  • Friday, June 1st –Casino Night at Cactus Valley Casino. This casino guarantees not only the loosest slots in town, but also the loosest sluts. Spend your paycheck at the blackjack tables; lose your mortgage payment at the craps table; or just get loaded from the free drinks served by the sexiest waitresses this side of Ahwatukee. Plus, relive the glorious music of 1980’s super group Wang Chung with the Wang Chung Experience in the Charlie Callas Room. Like the song sez: Everyone have fun tonight, everyone Wang Chung tonight!
  • Sunday, June 3rd – Hike planned at Grommet’s Ravine near Wickenburg. This area used to be an industrial waste dump and has been semi-cleaned up. If we’re lucky, we’ll see a few wild dogs with two tails, five legged cats and three-eyed mice. Wear waterproof shoes since some of the left over toxic sludge tends to eat through shoe leather and skin.

 

Cactus Corners Singles Adventure Club – March 2012

The Cactus Corners Singles Adventure Club is a singles club for adventure seeking individuals in the Cactus Corners, Arizona area. The BilgeBucket Gazette’s own Dex Rexter, is a member of this fun loving group and has agreed to post upcoming events in an effort to boost membership. Meetings occur every other Friday at the Pink Gecko Karaoke Lounge in the Cactus Blossoms Strip Mall. Here are the exciting events planned for the coming weeks.

  • Thursday, March 8th – Cut Each Others Toenails Night at Phyllis Boyle’s house. Delores Romanowski recommends the Tweezerman SPA Deluxe clipper for best results.
  • Saturday, March 10th – Polka Night at Larry’s Dinner Barn in Apache Junction. Appropriate dress required. Lederhosen is available for sale or rent at Oskar’s Accordion Depot.
  • Monday, March 12th – Yahtzee Night at Frank Brinkman’s house. BYOB and bring lots of it! Trust us; you’ll need it.
  • Wednesday, March 14th – Skateboard Night at Cactus Corners Mall Skatepark. Over 65 skateboard champ Thelma Clausen will demonstrate proper skateboarding techniques including ollies, kick-flips and frontside 180s.
  • Friday, March 16th – Theater Night at Exit Stage Left Theater in Cactus Sweat Strip Mall. Now playing, “Judge Judy: The Musical”, starring Mistee DuBois as Judge Judy. Admission is $40 for adults, $39 for students, and $38 for senior citizens.
  • Sunday, March 18th – Road trip to abandoned gold mine in Skull Valley. We’ll attempt to climb down the rickety, unstable, old mine shaft and search for gold. Bring your picks.
  • Tuesday, March 20th – Cooking With Spam Night at Sarah Milton’s house. Sarah goes over her favorite recipes for cooking meals with Spam: everything from delicious Spam omelettes to mouth-watering Spam cupcakes. Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam!!! Bring your pen and paper. You’ll want to jot these down.
  • Thursday, March 22th – Shuffleboard at Cactus Gallows Retirement Home. Elmer Scoggins demonstrates proper stick manipulation techniques.
  • Saturday, March 24th – Swinging at Nutcracker’s Social Club on Phoenix’s West Side. Wear some bling and bring your swing! Special fun rooms include a dungeon, a doctor’s office, and a congressional chamber. Admission is $75. Check with club personnel prior to arrival for appropriate gang signs to flash for entrance. Firearms are recommended. If you know what’s good for you, don’t stare at the midget!

 

You Will Have Fun and That’s An Order!

More Corporate BS and hijinx…this time some fun, fun, fun from our September 26, 2004 issue.

Local Company Enforces Mandatory Fun

Local Internet company, Swellco, Inc. has come up with a sure-fire way to boost employee morale. It has instituted a Fun, Fun, Fun day every last working day of the month.

Marketing manager, Biff Timmons, explained why the day was created. “Lately our employees have been putting in long, long, hours to meet some pretty strict, unattainable deadlines. We’ve just decided that this is our way of saying ‘Gee, Thanks guys! You’re doing a swell job!’ And each Fun, Fun, Fun day will have a different theme. That’s what will make it fun, fun, fun for all!”

This week’s Fun, Fun, Fun day will be called “Rootin’ Tootin’ Rodeo”. Everybody will come to work in western garb. In the morning, there will be a ‘Rope the Li’l Doggie’ contest. Biff Timmons will play the role of the steer. One representative from each department will then try to rope and hogtie him. The winner will get an official looking certificate stating that they won the contest. Then an official ‘western’ style meal will be served at lunch featuring beanie-weenies, potato salad, chips and sarsaparilla. In the afternoon, there will be a ‘Barrel Racing’ contest. In this case, the barrels will be computer monitors, placed randomly and carelessly on the ground around the office. One representative from each department will race around the monitors, and the fastest finisher will win and get branded with a temporary tattoo with the Swellco logo on it. The festivities will end with an official hoedown with western music played on a portable CD player and line dancing.

Employee reaction to the Fun, Fun, Fun day was mostly negative. “God, what a lame-ass idea!” said programmer Mark Seitz. “This is the best idea our marketing department can come up with? No wonder our company is going down the tubes! I think I’ll have a cold that day.”

Web developer Tom Eldred said, “If they really want to improve morale, they should give employees more money or more vacation time. Instead we get to rope Biff Timmons. I’ve had enough already. I’m logging onto Monster!”

CEO Bradley Melkerson had some advice for his employees who may not be enthusiastic about the Fun, Fun, Fun day. “It’s important that employees realize the hard work that went into the planning of the Fun, Fun, Fun day. This day is for you. Therefore, it is mandatory that employees have a good time or else. Oh, and if you break one of those computer monitors during the barrel racing, you pay for it.”

Biff Timmons concluded, “You get beanie-weenies, you get a Swellco Brand tattoo, and you get to rope and hogtie the ol’ Biffer. How could that not be fun, fun, fun?”