The hot, muggy, summer Monsoon weather continues with temps in the low hundreds and dew points in the 50’s. Our suggestion: sprout gills.
Here’s the upcoming forecast for this week.
The hot, muggy, summer Monsoon weather continues with temps in the low hundreds and dew points in the 50’s. Our suggestion: sprout gills.
Here’s the upcoming forecast for this week.
It’s monsoon season here in Cactus Corners, Arizona, which for us here in the blazing hot desert, is a kind of rainy season. The temps still stay above 100, but the humidity and dew point increase, so it gets more muggy. We get on average, about 8 inches of rain a year. We get on average, about 2.0-2.5 inches of rain during the monsoon season, which typically lasts from the beginning of July to about mid-September. Of course, mention our monsoon season to someone from India and they will laugh their ass off. In India, as much as 27 inches of rain can fall in a 24 hour period during their monsoon season. Nevertheless, the dust storms, thunderstorms and lightning storms that happen during July and August can be quite spectacular and a bit dangerous, even if they don’t always produce torrential rain.
With that in mind, here’s the forecast for this weekend.
The Cactus Corners Singles Adventure Club is a singles club for adventure seeking individuals in the Cactus Corners, Arizona area. The BilgeBucket Gazette’s own Dex Rexter is a member of this fun loving group and has agreed to post upcoming events in an effort to boost membership. Meetings occur every other Friday at the Pink Gecko Karaoke Lounge in the Cactus Blossoms Strip Mall. Here are the exciting events planned for the coming weeks.
It’s officially summer here in Cactus Corners, so that means only three more months of 100+ temperatures. Yay! Here’s the surprising forecast for this weekend.
More retrospective articles from those dark days of debacle called the Bush administration… This article is from our April 11, 2004 issue. The Iraq War had begun to look like a quagmire, but Dubya was staunchly defended his new tenet of American imperialism, the Bush Doctrine. Now, if you look at United States history, American has had imperialistic tendencies ever since the Spanish American War and under both Republican and Democratic administrations. But the Bush Doctrine, which essentially states the U.S. can pre-emptively invade a country if it thinks that country poses a threat, opened up a humongous can of worms, and all possible kinds of unpleasant possibilities of abuse of power and violation of civil liberties. By the way, in case you didn’t know, WMD’s were never found.
Jared Dillman, who lives in the Cactus Vista Subdivision, invaded the garage of his neighbor, Tony Kurzbach last Saturday, claiming that he had weapons of mass destruction. Dillman cited the precedence set down by the Bush doctrine, which states that it’s okay to pre-emptively invade a place if there is a concern weapons of mass destruction might be present.
Dillman defended his actions. “Kurzbach came home last Saturday carrying this big box. I didn’t know what was in that box. It could have been a grenade launcher. It could have been anthrax. It could have been a dirty bomb. I didn’t know. But I’ve had my suspicions about Kurzbach. I mean he looks all swarthy and he’s got that unibrow thing going. He could very easily be one of…them.”
Dillman continued. “So he leaves for the night, probably to meet with some terrorists. That was my chance. I picked his lock and rummaged around his garage. I scoured the place, but unfortunately I didn’t find any WMDs. I did find some Heavy Metal CDs, though. That’s audio terrorism! So I took them. Kurzbach sometimes plays his music a little loud on the weekend and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let the neighborhood be exposed to Yngwie Malmsteen.”
Kurzbach was livid at the invasion. “First of all, I’m part Italian, part Hungarian, so I’m sorry I’m a little dark and hairy. Second of all, I’m a third generation American who loves this country. I have no intention whatsoever of doing anybody any harm. That ‘box’ was a DVD player I was getting as a gift for my grandmother. That asshole busts into my garage and rips through everything. I think I’m missing my Rob Zombie CDs.”
The police say their hands are tied. “We’d really like to help,” said Officer Ted McGriff as he munched on a Krispy Kreme. “But we’re talking the Bush Doctrine. If it’s good enough for our president, who are we to argue. Besides, who really wants to listen to Whitesnake anymore? They’re so 80’s.”
Neighbors had mixed reactions. Gladys Stephans said, “I don’t think Jared was right, but then again Tony could have had a nuclear bomb. It all turned out for the best because he destroyed those damn CDs. I’ve heard just about enough of Motörhead. That’s definitely a weapon of mass destruction as far as I’m concerned.”
Mildred Dressler said, “I appreciate that I don’t have to put up with any more Ratt while I’m watching Dr. Phil, but Jared probably should apologize for trashing Tony’s garage.”
Dillman scoffed at the notion of apologizing for the intrusion and destruction. “Are you kidding me? We live in the Age of Dubya. I can be arrogant, belligerent, and do anything I want and not apologize for squat. You know. Come to think of it. I saw Mrs. Dressler carry some pretty suspicious grocery bags in from her car the other day. Time to do my patriotic duty!”
It’s another sunny, hot, 100+ degree day here in Cactus Corners, Arizona. High today: 110. In our summer issues from 2004-2008, we always presented little gag forecast graphics like they have in the weather sections in newspapers. We like to recycle here, so we’ll present them again over the course of this summer. It’s not summer yet, but why wait when it’s 110 degrees out.
Here’s the forecast for this weekend.
It was a beautiful afternoon the other day here in Cactus Corners, Arizona. The temperature had dropped into the low 100’s, so our gruff but lovable senior citizen staffer, Chester Einstein, went for a late afternoon constitutional through one of the many Cactus Corners subdivisions. He was having a fine time: enjoying the blue skies, green trees, chirping birds, barking dogs, rock landscaped yards, slithering snakes and blossoming cacti. Then suddenly he was accosted…by two pimply faced, bicycle riding, Mormon missionaries. Yes, these well groomed youngsters rode next to and harassed Chester about where he lived, how long he has lived there, did he want to go to heaven or hell and whether he’s accepted Jesus Christ as his personal savior for several blocks. Finally, Chester pulled the old “Look! It’s Jesus!” ploy and when the boys excitedly turned to look, Chester ducked behind a hedge and ran like hell. Needless to say, his carefree outing was ruined, but he did get some good exercise.
This reminded us of an article in our August 1, 2004 issue. Just a reminder folks: in the land of Mormons, conversion is a year round process. So even in 100 plus degree heat, stay vigilant and when you see them coming, start running.
Local Mormon missionaries Brandon Neal and Lucas Brennan continued their mission riding the local Cactus Corner neighborhood converting people to Mormonism, despite temperatures reaching well over 100 degrees.
“I must admit it’s been a bit challenging lately,” commented Neal, wiping sweat from his brow, as he sat aboard his bike waiting for the light to change. “I mean shit… ooops, damn. I didn’t mean to say that…we’re sweating our asses off here…, Fuck I did it again. Hell, I’m cussing left and right. Jesus H. Christ, my brain is fried.”
“I don’t think this is very fair,” said Brennan, sucking water from his camelback. “It’s so hot out and yet we are required to wear a shirt, tie, long pants, and good shoes. Not only that, we’ve got to wear this stuffy bike helmet and carry our heavy packs and ride our bikes all over tarnation trying to convert people who don’t want anything to do with us. Give us a break! At least let us wear shorts and a tee-shirt.”
It’s a tradition for male members of the church to go on a two-year mission when they reach their late-teens or early twenties. It’s also important that during the mission, the young men perform their mission away from home and family. Neal and Brennan are both from the Salt Lake City area and aren’t accustomed to the Valley heat. Cactus Corners LDS Ward President John Hunt said, “It’s important that members go out and spread the word of God and suffer just like Jesus did. Young Neal and Brennan shouldn’t complain. This is just their cross to bear for the next couple of years. Besides their conversion ratio is extremely low. If they don’t start converting people I might be forced to send them to Yuma next year. Now that’s hot!”
“I don’t see how we’re going to convert people, when we’re all hot, sweaty and smelly,” said Brennan wearily. “You should see people’s reaction when they see us coming. It’s like we’ve got the plague. I mean they literally start running away from us. I’m really starting to get a complex.”
“Catholics don’t have to do this crap,” snarled Neal. “Hunt wants more conversions, I’ll give him conversions. I convert to Buddhism. I’ll probably go to hell now! But I don’t fear hell; I’ve been to Cactus Corners, Arizona! Put that in your pipe and smoke it! Ha-ha-ha-ha!” Neal then rode erratically into oncoming traffic.
The Cactus Corners Singles Adventure Club is a singles club for adventure seeking individuals in the Cactus Corners, Arizona area. The BilgeBucket Gazette’s own Dex Rexter is a member of this fun loving group and has agreed to post upcoming events in an effort to boost membership. Meetings occur every other Friday at the Pink Gecko Karaoke Lounge in the Cactus Blossoms Strip Mall. Here are the exciting events planned for the coming weeks.
The Cactus Corners Singles Adventure Club is a singles club for adventure seeking individuals in the Cactus Corners, Arizona area. The BilgeBucket Gazette’s own Dex Rexter is a member of this fun loving group and has agreed to post upcoming events in an effort to boost membership. Meetings occur every other Friday at the Pink Gecko Karaoke Lounge in the Cactus Blossoms Strip Mall. Here are the exciting events planned for the coming weeks.
More Corporate BS and hijinx…this time some fun, fun, fun from our September 26, 2004 issue.
Local Internet company, Swellco, Inc. has come up with a sure-fire way to boost employee morale. It has instituted a Fun, Fun, Fun day every last working day of the month.
Marketing manager, Biff Timmons, explained why the day was created. “Lately our employees have been putting in long, long, hours to meet some pretty strict, unattainable deadlines. We’ve just decided that this is our way of saying ‘Gee, Thanks guys! You’re doing a swell job!’ And each Fun, Fun, Fun day will have a different theme. That’s what will make it fun, fun, fun for all!”
This week’s Fun, Fun, Fun day will be called “Rootin’ Tootin’ Rodeo”. Everybody will come to work in western garb. In the morning, there will be a ‘Rope the Li’l Doggie’ contest. Biff Timmons will play the role of the steer. One representative from each department will then try to rope and hogtie him. The winner will get an official looking certificate stating that they won the contest. Then an official ‘western’ style meal will be served at lunch featuring beanie-weenies, potato salad, chips and sarsaparilla. In the afternoon, there will be a ‘Barrel Racing’ contest. In this case, the barrels will be computer monitors, placed randomly and carelessly on the ground around the office. One representative from each department will race around the monitors, and the fastest finisher will win and get branded with a temporary tattoo with the Swellco logo on it. The festivities will end with an official hoedown with western music played on a portable CD player and line dancing.
Employee reaction to the Fun, Fun, Fun day was mostly negative. “God, what a lame-ass idea!” said programmer Mark Seitz. “This is the best idea our marketing department can come up with? No wonder our company is going down the tubes! I think I’ll have a cold that day.”
Web developer Tom Eldred said, “If they really want to improve morale, they should give employees more money or more vacation time. Instead we get to rope Biff Timmons. I’ve had enough already. I’m logging onto Monster!”
CEO Bradley Melkerson had some advice for his employees who may not be enthusiastic about the Fun, Fun, Fun day. “It’s important that employees realize the hard work that went into the planning of the Fun, Fun, Fun day. This day is for you. Therefore, it is mandatory that employees have a good time or else. Oh, and if you break one of those computer monitors during the barrel racing, you pay for it.”
Biff Timmons concluded, “You get beanie-weenies, you get a Swellco Brand tattoo, and you get to rope and hogtie the ol’ Biffer. How could that not be fun, fun, fun?”