Bush Sez Eavesdropping Is Good For You

This past week, President Bush acknowledged that through the NSA, he had allowed wiretapping of American citizens and defended it as necessary in the ongoing war on terror. He also expressed that he has no intentions of discontinuing it in the future.

“People this is a good thing for you,” explained Bush. “I’m sure patriotic Americans who love their country will gladly give up their civil liberties in order to help win the war on terror. We only plan to wiretap people who wish to do harm to America like Al-Qaeda, war critics, environmentalists, Democrats, evolutionists and generally smartsy fartsy people who like to think for themselves. And don’t worry about checks and balances and court orders. We have to act quickly here folks. Therefore, Uncle Dick, Donald Rumsfeld and Condi Rice will check my list to make sure I’m not including someone I shouldn’t. Like last week, they had Joe Lieberman on there. I had to remind them that he’s not a Democrat anymore so they took him off the list. But we can easily put him back on, if you know what I mean.” Bush then furrowed his brow and stared menacingly at the camera.

ACLU spokesman James Teigar said, “The President has committed a criminal act and he’s bragging about it. President Bush or should I say King Bush has now decided that he is above the law and can sidestep getting a court order as required by the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) of 1978. Torture, secret prisons, spying on our own citizens: are we living in the old Soviet Union? The Bush Administration is more secretive than the KGB.”

Many people are even calling for impeachment procedures against the President. Former Nixon White House counsel John Dean, a man who knows abuse of power when he sees it, called President Bush “the first president to admit an impeachable offense.”

However, many have rushed to defend the President. Former Secretary of State, Colin Powell, said, “Sure, I back him on this. Let him trample on people’s civil liberties. What the hell do I care? I’m off that shipwreck. Make a fool out of me with those WMDs. I’ll show him!”

Right wing commentator, Ann Coulter, said, “The liberals hate America so much if they had it their way, they would elect Osama Bin Laden president of the United States, bomb all the churches, sodomize us and then make us all ride camels to work. I don’t know why they’re always saying such nasty things about us.”

American citizens had mixed reactions to the revealed eavesdropping. Vladimir Dayevsky of Jacksonville, Florida, said, “I’m from Ukraine. I see this shit before. Maybe it’s time to go back to Kiev.”

Septuagenarian Delores Moesley of Drewtown, Virginia said, “Oh I don’t mind the President listening in on my phone conversations. That is if he doesn’t mind the phone sex I’m having with Bill O’Reilly.”

George Hawley of Spring City, Michigan, said via telephone, “I’m worried about this. I don’t support the Iraq War so what’s to keep President Bush from deciding any critic is a terrorist. Hello! Who’s there? Mr. President? Oh, I...er...I was just saying what a great job you’re doing. Keep up the good work on that ol’ Iraq War. Stay the course!”

Marianne Spellman of Sleepy Willow, Illinois said, “At least he’s not having sex with an intern or supporting gay marriage. I can stand losing my civil liberties, but sex. Eeeeuuuuwwww!”

Bush concluded his press conference by saying, “People, you know you can trust me. I’m numero Uno with the Big Guy. I’m bigger than the Pope. Have I ever misled you in the past five years?”

Nelson Kids Complain “Why Does Uncle Bill Always Get Us Crappy Presents?”

The children of John and Katherine Nelson in the Cactus Bouquet subdivision of Cactus Corners recently complained that the Christmas gifts given to them by John’s brother Bill are nothing but a bunch of ‘crap’ and that he doesn’t know or care what he is doing.

“Uncle Bill always gets up crappy presents!” whined ten year old Jerry. “This year he got me a hammer. What am I going to do with a hammer? I’m a ten year old obese kid who sits on the couch playing video games all day. Hello!”

Twelve year old, Debbie, the oldest Nelson child said, “Like, I think he’s boozing it up way, way too much. Like, he doesn’t have a clue anymore. Like, he got me an apron and a frying pan this year. Like, what exactly is that supposed to mean? Hello!”

Even little six year old Delbert complained. “He got me a ring and a stick. What do I do with a ring and a stick? Hello!”

Forty-something Uncle Bill, took a swig from his bottle of Jägermeister and vehemently defended his gift choices. “For crying out loud, those kids are a bunch of cry babies. I’m with it. I hip with the happening. I know what the today’s kids want. It’s never too soon to learn a trade, that’s why I got the fat kid a hammer. Back when I was his age, I had to build my own bed and furniture. It made me a man. Ol’ Chubby better learn a trade because he ain’t getting into college any time soon. Dumber than dirt!”

Uncle Bill continued ranting. “Every girl needs an apron and frying pan. How are they supposed to learn how to cook and please their man? I swear each of my four wives had hissy fits when I got ‘em cookware, too. I’m helping her out. Have you seen her face? The only way she’s gonna get a man is by learning how to cook. Either that or learn how to dance around a pole.”

Uncle Bill took another long drink. “As for the ring and a stick. Use your imagination! Geez! Kids today have no imagination. The stick can be a sword or a gun. Or you can roll the ring with the stick. If it’s not spelled out for these kids they can’t figure it out. Besides, that little one’s lucky I didn’t get him a Barbie. He’s a future flamer I’m telling ya. Katherine better lock up her clothes closet.”

John Nelson defended his brother. “He’s had a tough year. He got divorced from his fourth wife this year. She took him for everything he’s got and he’s a little bitter.” John paused. “Okay. He’s extremely bitter. But we’re hoping that he’ll drink heavily and stay indoors for most of the holiday season. And most of next year. And probably the year after that.”

Katherine Nelson said, “Well, all I know is I’m going to ask him to stop giving presents completely. This year he got me a box of tampons. What does he mean by that?!! I’ll show him tampons, that two bit *#%$@*#!%#@?*$@!?~*$&#@?$#@*!!!!!!.”

Seniors On Medicare Part D: “I’ll Take The Death Option Instead”

Only a million people or ten percent of the senior citizens with Medicare but without prescription drug coverage enrolled in the voluntary new drug stand alone drug program, Part D, offered by the government through contracts with private insurers. This low percentage has brought criticism from many consumer groups because seniors are complaining about the complexity of options offered by the for profit insurers. People have until May 15, 2006, to enroll, or they will have to pay more for premiums

Maureen Bradley of the consumer watchdog group, ElderCare, said, “This new plan is confusing the elderly. It basically is a handout to the insurance industry and the seniors not only have to pay monthly premiums with money from their own social security checks, they’re still not saving that much money on the prescription drugs they do buy. Not only that, there is the gap in coverage between $2,500 and $3,600 where seniors won’t have any coverage and they’ll have to pay for the prescriptions themselves. My question to the insurance companies is why the gap at that dollar amount? Is that the range where most senior’s drug expenses fall, so you can get out of paying for any drugs? This is the sleaziest, most convoluted mess I’ve ever seen and the congressmen and senators who supported this should be ashamed of themselves.”

Bluebeard Insurance spokesperson Leslie Kent said, “This new drug coverage is just marvelous. From the three wealthy senior citizens I’ve spoken to, I’ve received nothing but good news. What could be easier? Plans will come in two basic types. The most simple is a prescription drug plan (sometimes called a PDP), which covers only drugs and can be used with your traditional Medicare and/or a Medicare supplement plan. The other type combines a prescription drug plan with a Medicare Advantage plan that includes medical coverage for doctor visits and hospital expenses. This kind of plan is called a Medicare Advantage plus Prescription Drug, or MA-PD. A person may be enrolled in only one Medicare prescription Part D drug plan at a time. If you are enrolled in a Medicare Advantage plan you may not enroll in a prescription drug plan, unless you are a member of a Private Fee-for-Service MA Plan (PFFS) a Medical Savings Account MA Plan (MSA), or a 1876 Cost Plan. I could go on but I think you see how easy this new program is. This new policy means I’ll be able to retire early and forget about all you schmucks. Grand Caymans here I come!”

“I hate this crap,” said Ralph Pennington of Jefferson City, Missouri. “They got forty plans to choose from in this state and each one has umpty-nine options. I’m old. I’ve been through two wars. I’m almost deaf. I have trouble remembering how to change TV channels. This isn’t helping me. It’s aggravating the hell out of me. Right now I’m seriously thinking about taking the death option.”

Mary Jones of Kenworth, South Dakota, said, “You need a degree in business just to get through the plans. I live in an assisted living residence and I had three nurses over here helping me fill out the forms and I still don’t think I got it right.”

Thelma Wilson of Chatsworth, Georgia said, “I’m seventy eight years old and they tell me to go online and read about the new plan. I never used a computer in my life and don’t own one. Then they tell me to call in on their helpline. Well I’ve never been so annoyed in my life. You’ve got to press ‘1’ for this, then ‘2’ for that. I don’t know how many times I pressed the wrong number. Simple and easy, phooey! Couldn’t a human being just talk to me about the options? Is that too much to ask?”

Calvin Brennan of Tulliver, Iowa, said, “I got shrapnel in WW II and this is the thanks I get. Compassionate conservatives my ass! I betcha Bush and all of his rich conservative friends will never have to worry about this crap. Merry F***ing Christmas!”

Top Celebrity New Years Resolutions

It’s hard to believe but 2005 is mercifully over and 2006 is about ready to begin. This is the time of year when many Americans make resolutions to positively change their lives for the better in the coming year. In the past we’ve done Bilge Lists featuring resolutions of the average American. But we decided this year to focus on celebrities New Year’s resolutions, since they’re far more interesting than you or I. Or at least they think so. Therefore, the BilgeBucket staff presents the list of the resolutions of America’s favorite celebrities.

	Kirstie Alley vows to keep on enchanting America with those knee-slapping Jenny Craig commercials.
	Mary Kate Olson plans to eat a sorghum grain diet and become the next Fat Actress.
	Arnold Schwarzenegger promises to recite more lame-ass catch phrases until he regains his popularity.
	Britney Spears swears she’ll scour the back alleys, beer halls and strip clubs of America for her next husband.
	Tom Cruise guarantees he will complete his new book Dammit I’m Tom Cruise: I Know More Than You.
	Ben Affleck vows to continue to mercilessly punish the public by making more movies.
	Paris Hilton will doggedly continue her pursuit of attempting to sleep with every living human male on this planet. Godspeed, Paris! Godspeed!
	Craig Ferguson will continue to delight viewers with his ‘wee cheeky monkey’ sound effect that never ever gets old.
	Tyra Banks pledges to be 50% more ‘fiercer’.
	Steve Martin vows to release Cheaper by the Dozen 3, Cheaper by the Dozen 4 and Cheaper by the Dozen 5 before the end of 2006.
	Shakira promises to shake her sexy ass and show off her trembling, tone stomach non stop all year long. I hear she sings, too.
	The Spice Girls pledge to reunite and bring peace to the Middle East.
	Oprah vows to continue her conquest of the known universe unabated.